“All of this is inimitably fascinating, but none of it explains why, exactly, you decided to call me, and who that other guy is,” said Hong, who had never actually met Ke Sou and anyways didn’t care enough to memorise the faces of the the Flaming Bloody Organs Sect members.

“Oh, I was just getting to that,” said Squeaky the Rat from beside a very hurt looking Ke Sou. “So, after Truck-Kun hit the shaman and demonic cultivators, sending them to nobody knows where-”

***

Tou Tong blocked the immortal cat’s blade, baring his teeth at his feline foe. The latter danced about in his boots, seeking by an ornate series of sword blows to skewer Tou and reclaim the manuscript for himself.

The Editor had finally found the mad genius of the Flaming Bloody Organs Sect, and was presently fighting him in the neighbouring Endless Acid Pools Secret Realm, the pair skipping across lakes of acid strong enough to burn immortals as they each sought the other’s head.

All of a sudden a massive portal opened overhead, and six faintly familiar figures screamed as they dropped through, landing with a plop in one of the acid pools. There was a brief, hideous shriek, a yowl that chilled the blood and froze the bones, and they were no more.

Tou Tong stared at the now placid acid pools in confusion. “What the heck was that?”

The Editor simply shrugged, and resumed his attack.

(The shaman, on the other hand, was privileged enough to be reincarnated as the villainess in an Otome Game world. ~ The Editor)

***

“-as I was saying, after they were sent to nobody knows where, I was performing my usual post-combat follow through, making sure that Xian and Yuan were safe and that none of the hapless bystanders had been harmed, when all of a sudden another, entirely unfamiliar figure strode through the door. He said he was a passing acquaintance of yours, and asked if I wouldn’t mind greatly connecting the two of you, so here we are.”

“A passing acquaintance of mine? How strange, I don’t recall ever having met,” Hong observed.

Ke Sou coughed. “We’re acquaintances only by indirect means, through what you might call hostile business contacts. I’m the second in command of the Flaming Bloody Organs Sect.”

(This was a lie. That honour fell to Tou Tong, who would have made the truth blindingly clear had he not been otherwise detained.)

There was a moment of silence as Hong took this in, before: “The flaming who now?”

Ke Sou stared out of the spirit screen. “What do you mean, ‘the flaming who now’? We’re the Flaming Bloody Organs Sect.”

“Right, but I don’t remember meeting any charred tripe or incendiary bloodstained piano or whatever you’re called sects,” Hong replied. Mu slapped himself in the face.

Ke Sou looked off into the distance, his expression misty, face forlorn, as if he might cry. “You… you don't know about us?”

“Nope.”

“But we've fought you nearly half a dozen times, and have sent multiple groups of people to kill you!”

“Indeed - you, and dozens of other sects. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to be more specific.”

“Surely, however, our cultivators introduced themselves to you prior to your fights? Even demonic cultivation etiquette demands at least that much,” Ke Sou said desperately.

“If they did, I wasn't bothered enough to remember them,” Hong asserted, as Mu slapped himself in the face again.

Ke Sou gesticulated wildly, his mouth flapping open and closed like a fish.”

"Wait… but didn't you want to look into who was dispatching all those demonic cultivators that plagued you at every turn?"

This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

"Not particularly. In a world of stupid people, why look for reason?"

“What exactly is your business with Hong, then?” Asked Squeaky, genuinely confused. “You said you had something important to discuss with him, but clearly it's not something of which he was aware. This isn't a cold call, is it?”

“No, no, this is-” and then Ke Sou paused. What was his angle? He needed some sort of threat to get Hong to return, but what?

The demonic cultivator debated mentioning that they had kidnapped, if not Hong's girlfriend, then certainly his passing acquaintance, but a quick glance at Squeaky the Rat reminded him that it would be best for him to make as few enemies as possible. (Angering the Academy was especially undesirable, given that the Flaming Bloody Organs Sect had never formally registered with the Bureau for Unorthodox and Demonic Cultivation and could not afford an audit.)

Threatening to burn down all the region’s noodle shops unless Hong returned by a specified time was equally off the table, unfortunately.

Ke Sou was continuing to flap his lips vainly, desperately trying to think of a solution, when Hong sighed. “Look, is this over dissatisfaction with my work?”

“…I beg your pardon?” Ke Sou asked in confusion.

“Dissatisfaction with my work. I know you've said we've fought, but that doesn't exclude the possibility that we also had a labour contract at some point, in which case, pursuant to your originally stated purpose of holding an impromptu business call, it is entirely reasonable to wonder on my part of you might be engaging the Satisfaction Guaranteed clause of the Noodle Shop Repair Sect. (Providing free repairs on all damages and breakages sustained through negligence or incompetence of the Noodle Shop Repair Sect repairmen. Note that damages sustained after a cultivator showdown may not count for this policy. Please see your contract for more info.) Of course, it's been three hundred years since anyone activated the Satisfaction Guaranteed clause on one of my projects, and anyways I don't recall ever having worked with you - but hey, maybe it was a shell company.”

“P-precisely,” said Ke Sou, grateful to grab any handhold he could. “You were hired at one of our shell companies - the Kindness and Love Sect, perhaps, or somebody else,” he added hurriedly, as Hong's eye started to twitch, “and there were, alas, errors in the structural integrity of the building, and we need you to take a look.”

“…Hold up, the Kindness and Love Sect is actually run by demonic cultivators?” Asked Mu, aghast.

“Told you. Always was,” said Hong smugly.

“Why wouldn't it have been? It's our shell company for when transmigrator protagonists-to-be need a sufficiently orthodox foe to fight inside a noodle shop,” returned Ke Sou, looking a little confused. “It's one of our best sources of income.”

Hong's eye twitched again.

“Well, I guess that makes se- wait just a moment here. Hold on now,” and Mu turned to Hong. “Master! You can't possibly think he's being serious about having taken out a contract with you. Why would you ever work with a cultivation sect that has fought you constantly?”

“I work for anyone who has a restaurant in need of repair, no matter my opinion of them,” Hong pointed out reasonably. “For instance, I've repaired several noodle shops and inns for Jarnvidr Eastern Branch, even though I've had to pound several of their members into the dirt.”

“Urrk,” Mu said, and complained no more.

“So, all I'll need you to do then is come back to the Great Xuan. You can find our headquarters in a castle, just to the north of p h. There you can talk to my boss and we can iron out the details,” said Ke Sou, his face as sketchy as his words.

“This sounds like a trap,” Mu started, but Hong just shrugged.

“Look, either I really did fail to correctly complete a contract, in which I need to properly fulfil it, or” - and here Hong's eyes shone - “I have an opportunity to finally dispose of the bane of noodle shops nationwide. In either case, I have a duty to go.”

He turned to Ke Sou. “I know of the castle. I'll be there shortly; I'll see you in a day or two.”

And with those ominous parting words, he cut the call.

***

“Well then,” said Squeaky. “I'm glad we were able to find a pleasant conclusion to that particular problem… if an unconventional one.”

“And speaking of,” he continued, interrupting Ke Sou as the latter started for the door, “you said you're with the Flaming Bloody Organs Sect, yes? It's strange, but I've never heard of you, and I've read the entire Bureau for Unorthodox and Demonic Cultivation Sect Registry cover to cover - and that was the unabridged version, too.”

Ke Sou coughed. “You must have missed us.”

Squeaky’s eyes narrowed. “Oh? What's your registration code?”

“Well, it's…” and Ke Sou made a dash for the door. Squeaky looked, for a moment, like he wanted to give chase, but then settled down, turning back to the still mystified Yuan and Xian.

“You're not going to get him?” Yuan asked.

Squeaky just shook his head. “It would be a waste of time - outside my jurisdiction. But he told me all I need to know; I'll be filing a report with my colleagues in the Bureau for Unorthodox and Demonic Cultivation, who I imagine will find this case very interesting…”

“But enough about bureaucratic politics. When did you say the date of your marriage is?”

“Oh, it's…”

Elsewhere, Ke Sou continued to run at a steady pace, his face lit up in a wicked grin. Now this, this would be fun…