“The new what now?” Skullslurper asked.

Azcabellon sighed and shook his head in genuine pity. “Oh Skullslurper, Skullslurper, Skullslurper. To think you’d be so behind the times as not to have heard of the New Evil.”

Skullslurper’s eyes turned inwards as he tried desperately to think of what Azcabellon could possibly be discussing. “New Evil…? Can evil even get an upgrade? Isn’t it just evil?”

He shifted uncomfortably as Azcabellon stared at him in pity. On Azcabellon’s part, he could feel the distaste for Skullslurper leaving his body. All this time he’d thought him a fearsome foe, but now he realised he was just pathetic. He patted the visibly confused Skullslurper on the head.

“Oh man, you’re out of date. I bet you think it’s evil to torment women and molest doggies, rather than give the women snacks and set the dogs up with loving spouses.”

“Well, yes I do- wait a moment, no I don’t. You have that backwards.”

“Do I?” Azcabellon asked confidently.

“Yes. You do the revoltingly immoral, Content Warning-worthy stuff to the women, and violently torture the doggos. Who would do it the other way about? That’s just gross.”

***

Ping Ping was walking her dog Whuffles down the street when she saw a hideous, horrifying demon running at full tilt towards her, his body made of shadow and his eyes incandescent, blazing candles. She tried to run, but her body turned to jelly at the sight of the monster, and she just stood there as he approached.

The towering abomination leaned over her. She could feel the sweat pouring off her body. It gave her a big smile, then ruffled her hair, called her a good girl, and stuck some sort of bone-shaped snack into her mouth.

Then, before she could react, it picked up her and her dog, leaping over the buildings in a single bound only to deposit the both of them on an entirely different street, where her handsome neighbour was walking his poodle.

Carefully placing them back on the ground, the demon poked Whuffles in the side, gave him a wink, pointed at the poodle, and croaked out a “good luck” before running away at full tilt.

The handsome neighbour stared at Ping Ping, who still had the bone-shaped snack sticking out of her mouth.

“So… does this happen often?”

***

“Ah,” said Azcabellon, utterly misunderstanding Skullslurper’s complaint, “but you do do it the other way about. You see, the New Evil is a psychological insight into the way the human mind works. Commit horrible acts of depravity to people - leave them poor, hungry, helpless, abused - and you just beat them down. They despair, yes, but have you inspired them to anything? You produce people who are evil only by implication, because they do no good.”

“So… what does psychology have to do with evil?”

“Everything. You see, if instead of committing horrible acts of depravity to people you do nothing but help them - clothe them, feed them, educate them, and create happy and hale communities in beautiful cities - then you create a sense of contentment and, even better, hope in their minds. And what do you think will happen later, when they lose a loved one or a natural disaster happens and they realise that life is hellish after all? Beat someone down, get them to despair, and they meet evil with the expectation of evil, going nowhere; raise them up, get them to hope, and their fall will be endless. When evil inevitably occurs - when they realise that all life is suffering - they will fall to infinitely greater depths of despair than those to which any crude harms done in the name of ‘evil’ may have compelled them. That is the New Evil.”

Skullslurper blinked, face screwed up, trying to follow Azcabellon’s line of reasoning.

“But then you’re doing good deeds!”

“Pfft. The idea that you need to do evil deeds to be evil is so last dynasty. Tell me, Skullslurper, have you ever studied the philosophy of the visitors?”

“The visitors? The spirits who come from the stars? No; I wouldn’t have thought they had philosophies, given that they spend most of the day hunting for cute catgirls to add to their harems.”

“Don’t stereotype. Some do have philosophies, and they’re fascinating things. Of particular interest is the view that the ends justify the means, and the greatest end of all is benefit. You have no idea how surprised I was when I realised how many crimes that look (superficially) horrible - putting children in workhouses, abolishing art and imagination, genocide, killing the elderly to save money, and so on and so forth - were really actions of Supreme Good by virtue of their consequences.

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“And then I got to thinking: if all these superficially horrible acts were really super good, then shouldn’t I, who wants to commit acts of Supreme Evil, do nothing other than actions which on the surface are superficially good?”

“So what you’re saying is, you go about committing good deeds all day.”

“That’s right. I go around doing good all day, evilly.”

Skullslurper wore the ultimate in bruh looks, his expression utterly astounded.

“And, just so we’re clear, the Noodle Shop Repair Sect is entirely designed to also do nothing but good deeds?”

“Yes. It's a masterwork of evil - the noodle shop, you see, is a place of pure good. It's not simply a place for people to rest and relax: it's the heart of the community, a place for neighbours and strangers to meet and gladden one another. And not only do I keep these bastions of joy and togetherness functioning, but I also use my influence to make them even better.

“I have my contacts in the Ministry of Travel ensure that they all have access to healthy, tasty ingredients sourced locally (strengthening communal bonds), create guidebooks for travellers to send them a steady stream of guests (thereby also ensuring that travellers can cross the country in comfort), and have used the extensive knowledge base of my sect members to create a series of instruction manuals explaining both structurally sound ways to construct and maintain noodle shops, and diverse methods for improving their aesthetic impact without compromising their unique individuality. This ensures that even normal noodle shop repairmen - outside of the sect - have access to the finest information.

“And those are just my immediate activities. In order to bring about this situation, I had to enact one of the most evil campaigns of all time— suppressing the cultivators who made every day a living hell, by destroying noodle shops, the streets people walk down, the houses in which they live, and even their very lives. This was an unparalleled work of villainy which involved architecting a state, not just of morbid peace, but of harmony and learning. Yes, it would be entirely correct to say that the present state of spiritual prosperity is entirely the consequence of my evil,” the Noodle Shop Repair Demon finished with no small amount of pride.

Skullslurper slammed his head on the table repeatedly, finally staring at Azcabellon with bloodshot eyes. “You can’t possibly expect me to believe that you sincerely think that such a ridiculous proposal is the future of evil, can you?”

Azcabellon returned the stare, his own eyes filled with honesty and glee. “Do I think so? No; I know so, and what is more I know that any who do not keep up with the times will be left behind by the winds of history.”

“You know what? Forget it. I’m just going to file a complaint with the King Below about this insanity, before your ‘evil’ goes any further.”

The Noodle Shop Demon spit out his tea in laughter. “File a complaint about me? To the Big Guy? You make the threat as if you think I haven't already spoken to him about it, and received his approval.”

Skullslurper froze, and stared at him warily. "You're bluffing. The King Below would never approve of what you're doing… not with all the… w-warmth and light…"

He was only barely able to force the last few words out. The disgust on his face was paralleled and parodied by a vindictive smile which blossomed across the face of his colleague. The latter whipped a letter out of an inner pocket, triumphantly presenting it to a horrified Skullslurper.

The letter read as follows:

My dearest Azcabellon,

I have read with great excitement your recent treatise upon the theory and practice of Dark Utilitarianism, and I find myself overtaken with enthusiasm for the proposal. It is, if I may say so, a work of incomparable and hitherto unforeseen genius.

I consider myself fortunate to have met someone of such scintillating brilliance and fanatical dedication to the Cause of Evil. To have witnessed the slow bloom of your flower of darkness, and the release of its pollen of wickedness… it was an honour, sir.

And what an idea you have birthed! Long have I noticed that, wherever we may find a catastrophe wrought by mortal hand, we may find an entire crowd of sycophants praising it on the grounds that the action - though immoral in and of itself - may yet be justified upon the excuse of a Greater Good.

I lacked your vision, however, and sardonically looked upon those acts simply as evil and as a testament to the ultimately unnecessary nature of us demons. I failed to realise that within this germ of Good was the potency of an Evil such as has never been seen before.

To achieve the Greatest Evil through the performance of nothing but the highest good - to feed and clothe the poor; cheer the sick; educate the unwise; love your spouse; behave with honour and honesty wherever you go; construct inns; and build beautiful homes. This is the future of evil!

You have my thanks for opening my eyes to an abyss I could never have seen, my old friend. I shall make sure the eyes of my brethren are opened as well.

Yours in the Below,

Satan

Skullslurper dropped the scroll with a thud, his face an emotionless mask of pure horror.

"It-it can't be… no…"

The Noodle Shop Demon idly scooped up his letter and returned it to his pocket. "It is."

He stood up, stretched, and tipped an imaginary hat to his defeated colleague. "And now, if you excuse me, I have to teach a course on balancing budgets and wise resource management for the indebted - as well as how to invest in communal charity networks that raise people up, rather than just sustain them - so that they and their neighbourhoods can become wealthy, healthy, and happy. (Which is all to breed complacency, of course.)"

And with that the demon went off, to do good deeds to all and sundry.