Chapter 15 - Strings

I was in shock after watching the recording through her illusory screen. I had killed them. All that was left of my Village had been killed. Or rather slaughtered. Everyone I’ve ever known was dead. Except Val and Skadi.

I took a few calming breaths. They weren’t all that calming, but I had to compartmentalise here. I couldn’t fall into despair. I knew I didn’t deserve to be the survivor of this ordeal. I should be dead with the rest of my people. But I couldn’t surrender to this line of thinking. I couldn’t betray Skadi. Yes, that’s right. I had to keep going. For Skadi’s sake. Yes, James just think about Skadi, instead of the Monster outside forces have turned you into, don’t think about the dead how needed you, think of the one being in the world, who needs you and is still alive.

That line of thinking got me through the next few days. That and keeping myself busy with miscellaneous projects

It took the rest of the day for me to get the fur covering down. Then we went to sleep

[Lupine Anatomy]+5=>

12

The next morning I started to deal with the remaining tasks. First we had to set off in the direction of the village. During transit I started on my other project. [Biomass] told me that most organs in my body were now redundant. I wanted to check that, so I told Val to keep an eye on my health, while I started to remove said organs. Intestines, liver, kidneys, spleen, obviously the appendix. All could go. Or at least I hoped so. The trip should take a few days so we had enough time to check.

Long story short: The Perk was correct. I was perfectly fine without the aforementioned organs. That meant my body had a lot of space to work with. Since I didn’t have anything to fill the holes with, I just filled them with biomass. It didn’t take up any real space inside me, but I could make it take solid form. In essence I was just filling the Void with generic ‘Flesh’.

Anyway, we arrived at the Village and the darkness threatened to take over. I didn’t particularly like it but it was my home. Everyone I ever knew was from here. The village didn’t deserve to be abandoned because of some demented mage, and a bunch of traitorous [Rangers]. And the people didn’t deserve to be sacrificed for some ritual. Or to be slaughtered by some idiot that thought he could save everyone.

I knew it wouldn’t help anyone, or really mean anything, but I wanted to do something symbolic. For closure at the very least.

The custom for burials in the village had been to incinerate the corpse inside a ring of water, to prevent the fire from spreading. I took a deep breath. I guess the Village as a whole could be counted as dead.

I asked Val if she could summon a lot of water. She affirmed, so I started my work. I took a shovel from among the ruins and started digging.

It took two days and six shovels to finish. I didn’t mind hard work at this point, but my [Aura of Decay] destroying the tools was annoying. Anyway, at the end I had dug a trench around the whole Village. Next I dismantled every building, as well as the wall to make a giant pile in the middle. After all was ready, I asked Val if she had anything to say about the Village. She declined. That was fair, she didn’t really have any connection to it.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

I sat on my knees in front of the Pyre for a good hour. Thoughts were racing in my head. In the end I couldn’t bring myself to mourn, not really. I felt guilty, I felt disappointed in myself, I felt hatred for the [Rangers], but I didn’t feel sad. I had always dreamt about having a life filled with adventure. I had it. At least the beginnings of it. And everybody I knew paid the price. The ultimate price. However something inside me told me that I hadn’t really lost anything. I wanted to leave anyway. I wanted to feel sadness, I wanted to mourn, but I didn’t. Something had changed in me. I was no longer from the Village. In all honesty, and to my great shame, a tiny bit deep inside of me was glad. I had lost the strings that had bound me to this place. I was free. Free to do what I wanted, where I wanted, when I wanted. Free to fail and to succeed based on my own merit. Wasn’t this what I wanted? Then why do my brain and my heart still war over whether or not I am a terrible person? Why can’t anyone give me an answer?

The System said I had done nothing wrong. [Avenger of Betrayal] nothing in there about rescuing or protecting someone.

Skadi went in a similar direction. When I asked her she pointed at the unlit Pyre and telepathically spoke ‘Home’ and shook her head ‘no’, then she looked down and stomped on the ground between us with her paw ‘Pack’.

Val just repeated her spiel about ‘Might makes Right’ and about how the weak only count, if the strong let them. Not helpful.

And me? I wanted to care, I really, really did. I was pretty sure I used to care, before my life became that insane adventure. But what could I say? Was it my fault the village was destroyed? I honestly didn’t know. I had the chance to rescue them, but I blew it, but I also wasn’t conscious for all the murder. Maybe I am simultaneously at fault and not? I couldn't get my head around the guilt-question, but in the end it didn’t matter. Skadi has said it. Pack. Skadi and I were alone in the World. Val was there too, but she clearly is indifferent to our lives, and has ulterior motives. No, it was just Skadi and me, against the world now. I decided then and there that I would protect Skadi, whatever it may take. Not at least because I knew, if anything happened to her, then I wouldn’t have to ask myself how to feel.

In the end I didn’t have anything to say about the Village, not for lack of trying. I asked Val to fill the trench and ignite the pyre, which she did. I stared in the flames for a long while. This felt like the right thing to do, but something was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, until I looked at my hands. With the inhuman claws. With bone blades hidden in the lower arm. This body had very little to do with the James that went off with Val, to go on adventures. And even less with the hopeful [Ranger Trainee]. Then I looked into the trench, filled with water. My face … James’ face looked back at me. Somehow it didn’t feel like my face anymore. That boy has died somewhere along the way. I was someone different.

I knew what was missing. The last person missing from the funeral.

I used a claw to cut into my face. I wanted to numb myself at first, but I decided against it. After I cut a full circle I ripped my face off. It hurt worse than anything I felt before. Worse than my first transformation into a goblin, worse than my first light-explosion against Skadi. But I endured. I looked at my… at the face in my hand. It was just a slab of meat. No cosmic significance, no epiphany, nothing. Still I was going to do this, whether or not it felt like it was significant to the world. It was significant to me. I threw the face on the pyre. Before I healed myself I changed my face. A mashup of all the male faces I knew. As the face began to be consumed by the flame I said: “I think somewhere between falling into that cave and now, James died.”

As I knelt there in the dirt I could feel Val wanting to say something, but she decided against it. Instead she simply rested a hand on my shoulder. On my other side Skadi snuggled under my arm. She sent a telepathic message ‘Home’ I scratched behind her ear. “Yeah, this was my home.” She responded ‘No. Pack is Home’ for the first time in quite a while I looked away from the flame, to find Skadi looking up at me.

And then I broke out into tears. All the feelings I tried to push down since my Father died started to flow out. All my training, my vengeance, my running away. It was all just a delay until this moment. It isn’t cool to admit this, but I was a 17 year old boy, who just lost his home, his last parent, everyone he ever knew.

Before me were endless opportunities, because behind me was nothing but ash.

That was the first time I destroyed my home.

That was the first time I forsook a face.

That was the first time I swore that I was going to protect those closest to me, because they were all I had. Valeria to my left, Skadi to my right and the future ahead of us.

I continued crying until I passed out