Chapter 2: The Crimes of Jack

Pumpkin Jack: ok, it's chapter 2. You may continue

Squad Leader: o-ok then. Well you are wanted for tax evasion-

Pumpkin Jack: I'm omnipotent, why should I pay taxes!?

Squad Leader: drug use-

Pumpkin Jack: just to see if they can affect me. They don't by the way

Squad Leader: kidnapping-

Pumpkin Jack: I didn't know they were in the car

Squad Leader: grand theft auto

Pumpkin Jack: ok, I didn't know that car wasn't mine. They all look they same

Squad Leader: impersonating a doctor, a female doctor to be exact

Pumpkin Jack: ok, there's a funny story to tha-

Squad Leader: murder

Pumpkin Jack:...which one?

Squad Leader: all of them. Manslaughter, premeditated. You name it you did it

Pumpkin Jack: well I have a good reason for-

Squad Leader: all of them were children

Pumpkin Jack:...I have a fear of kids

Squad Leader: what?

Pumpkin Jack: I'm afraid of children! ok!?

Squad Leader: why are you afraid of children?

Pumpkin Jack: there's just something about them. I can't put it together with words

Squad Leader: didn't you just tell that you were going to adopt?

Pumpkin Jack:....never said it was a good idea

Squad Leader: anyways the list goes on, even including war crimes

Pumpkin Jack: which ones?

Squad Leader: what? Crimes?

Pumpkin Jack: no, wars.

Squad Leader:...

Pumpkin Jack: live as long as me and you get around

Squad Leader: you are sick. You've done every crime known to man... except for anything that has to to with sex or family matters.

Pumpkin Jack: way to rub it in dude. Well I think you need to add to that sheet

Squad Leader: what do you mean?

Pumpkin Jack: well I'm pretty sure killing government agents is a big no no *smiles maliciously* I am going to enjoy this~

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

Chapter 3: Viewer Discretion is advised…. very advised

Squad Leader: you're surrounded, you idiot. And these are some of the most highly trained men in the U.S government. What do you think you can do against them?

Pumpkin Jack: Well, you guys are just humans, so it won't be hard at all.

*A tendril suddenly comes out of Jack's mouth, piercing the leader's skull*

Squad member 2: w-what the!?

*The Leader's body begins to shrivel and dry out. Soon nothing but a husk is left. The tendril retracts back into Jack's mouth*

Pumpkin Jack: *urp* ah, excuse me, hehe. I would have gone and got a drink, but this seemed easier

Squad M2: you monster!! *Shoots Jack in the head*

*The bullet bounces off Jack's head and straight into Squad M2's neck*

Squad M2: *grabs their neck* Ack!

Pumpkin Jack: oh dang! That is brutal, let me see! Let me see! Hmm, yep looks like ya nicked an artery. Well let me help you with that.

*Jack points at Squad M2, shooting him with the bone from the tip of his finger. Squad M2's head is completely obliterated*

Pumpkin Jack: there, no more suffering. *Turns to the last two*

Pumpkin Jack: Now, what to do with you two?

Squad M3: please, spare us!

Pumpkin Jack: ok

Squad M3: we'll do anythi-.... wait really?

Pumpkin Jack: yep. You just have to do one thing for me.

Squad M3: and what would that be?

Pumpkin Jack: I want you to rob a place.

Squad M3: what's the catch?

Pumpkin Jack: no catch, here's a bandit cap. I'll send you to the house. You'll only have to worry about a little girl. Of course, I'm sending you a couple years in the future for it.

Squad M3: ok, should I bring something?

Pumpkin Jack: I don't know, candy?

Squad M3: nah, that's stupid.

Pumpkin Jack: ok then *sends them away*

Squad M4: So can I go now?

Pumpkin Jack: Of course, I don't kill women anyways. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

*Squad M4 starts to leave, but Suddenly turns around and stabs Jack in the back*

Pumpkin Jack: Gah! My spine!!

Squad M4: hahaha! Yes, take that, you monster!! Feel pain and know that you will die by my hands!

Pumpkin Jack: this isn't very lady-like at all! *His head spins completely around, facing her* so I won't have a problem killing you~

Squad M4: w-what?

*Jack adjusts his spine, breaking the dagger*

Squad M4: *falls back and begins to crawl away* I'm Sorry!! Please forgive me!

Pumpkin Jack: hmm, how about a hug then?

Squad M4: really?

Pumpkin Jack: Of course, I'm very forgiving, since you didn't hurt me at all.

Squad M4: *runs up to Pumpkin Jack and hugs him* Thank you so much!

Pumpkin Jack: *hugs her back* no problem

Squad M4: this hug is, ugh, kinda tight

Pumpkin Jack: oh, sorry, let me help with that *begins to squeeze harder*

Squad M4: ahh! What are you doing!?

*She suddenly feels a stabbing pain, she look down to see Jack's ribs impaling her*

Squad M4: AHHHH!!! *coughs up blood*

Pumpkin Jack: I forgive you for trying to hurt me. But you tore my favorite robe. That is unforgivable!! You know how much this thing costs!?

Squad M4: ….you …. fucking….dick

Pumpkin Jack: *folds her in half* been called worse. Well, it's about time I pay someone a visit *teleports away*

Chapter 4: A lovely visit

Pumpkin Jack: *arrives in hell, in front of the Devil's throne* Sup Devito?

The Devil: fuck. Jack, why the hell are you here? I already have a massive headache from my hangover, which you caused by the way.

Pumpkin Jack: hey, I never said to get alcoholic drinks. Just drinks. Not my fault~

The Devil: *sigh* What do you want?

Pumpkin Jack: I'm starting a family, and there's someone here that I want for it

The Devil: who? Lilly?

Lilly: *suddenly appears* Did you call me, dear?~

Pumpkin Jack: Hey Lil.

Lilly: oh... he's here

The Devil: wait a minute! Jack, you don't mean who I think you mean. I made an agreement to keep her sealed away.

Pumpkin Jack: so? When did I ever ask about that? I want to raise her as my own child.

The Devil: Do you realize how much trouble I would get in!?

Pumpkin Jack: oh? Well it looks like I'm forced to do something I don't want to~

The Devil: What are you planning?

Pumpkin Jack: Hey Lilly, did Derrick tell you what he did last night?

The Devil: You wouldn't!

Lilly: No he didn't. What did you do, Dear?

Pumpkin Jack: well it's quite a funny story~

The Devil: Ok! You can have her! Just Stop!!!

Pumpkin Jack: Pleasure doing business with you.

Lilly: What's going on? What are you two hiding?

The Devil: nothing you need to worry abo-

Pumpkin Jack: He gave God the old Brown Chicken Brown Cow. She is having his kid.

Lilly:…. *eye twitches*

The Devil:.....you son of a-

Pumpkin Jack: thanks for helping me out *runs off*

The Devil: Damnit!!! And he wonders why I hate him…..uh, hehe Lilly, let's talk this out

Lilly: *pulls out her scythe* Yes let's talk

The Devil: JAAAACCKKKK!!!!

Pumpkin Jack: *sneezes* hmm, guess he's having fun~ now let's go get my new daughter.