Chapter 109: Too Late for Regrets

The instant I turned around, my carefully maintained façade cracked as my face slackened, and a soft, almost nonexistent sigh escaped from my thinly parted lips. A heavy, dark, almost repugnant cloud hovered over my head as I thought about the scene from before. There were things that I regretted… no, I regretted almost everything, especially the feeling of losing control which I kept hidden under a guise of indifference.

As I walked towards the back-door entrance of the convenience store, I could see a small silhouette leaning against the wall. With the help of the sparse moonlight that covered the surroundings like a thin layer of luminescent snow, I could vaguely make out Cielle’s figure. Her back was against the wall, her legs crossed in front of her, while her usual cascade of hair hung over her face like a stark black veil, hiding whatever expression she had.

My steps stopped in front of her. Through thin slits of black hair, I could see Cielle’s vibrant eyes as they silently stared at me with a subdued intensity that pierced through the darkness that covered both the outside and my mind. I briefly made eye contact with her, before I abruptly turned my head away, averting my gaze to the concrete ground below me.

I hesitated for a second, before I turned to my left and walked away from the door. Almost in unison, without saying a single word, Cielle lightly pushed herself of the wall, and followed behind.

I could distinctly hear the sound of Cielle’s quiet footsteps against the concrete ground. With the silent backdrop of the night, her light, almost ethereal steps boomed like crashing thunder. As that thunder vibrated through my ears and shook my heart, I could feel a certain hollowness in the pit of my stomach. It was a gnawing, constant feeling that did nothing but feed on the dark fog that lingered in my mind.

I slowly walked around the convenience store before I reached the front of the building. Through the transparent glass windows, I could see that everyone else had long fallen asleep, the fatigue from the day besting them. I distinctly noted Cher and Hina, who both slept in one corner of the room. Wrapped in Cher’s arms was her beaten down shield, which practically came apart at the seams. She slept soundly, a trail of saliva flowing down from her slightly opened lips. In comparison, Hina slept more neatly, she had changed into a pair of pajamas, and her hair was undone as locks of golden blonde flowing down from her head and over her shoulders like a shimmering cascade of light.

I looked at the two of them for a short amount of time, before I turned away and continued walking, my feet taking me further ahead and into the open road. Without reservation, I sat down and leaned back, my neck craning upwards as I quietly stared at the half-crescent moon that hung above me like the squinting eye of a peering deity.

Right now, I felt like a mess. An uncomfortable, almost itching sensation covered my whole surroundings, while I felt a distinct hollowness inside me. All sorts of clashing emotions waged war inside my heart, but the strongest among them was the feeling of helplessness I currently felt, as if I had made a mistake that I could no longer take back.

Cielle, who had quietly followed me all the way here, was unaware of my current turmoil, as she sat down next to me. She did not speak, and I did not acknowledge her existence. She simply sat there in silence, her presence an unsung beacon within the crashing waves of my heart.

I continued to stare up at the sky above me, watching with blank eyes as the thin strips of cloud floated peacefully through a backdrop of stars, unaffected and free from all the chaos in the world.

After what felt like an eternity had passed, Cielle finally spoke, her quiet words breaking through the void and echoing in my ears like a round of piercing artillery fire.

“… Was that what you wanted?” She asked simply, her words devoid of emotion.

My shoulders abruptly tensed, as I choked on a puff of air in my throat. My gaze slowly lowered, away from the clouds and down to the dirt stained asphalt beneath my feet. I saw the tiny pebbles and loose pieces of gravel scattered across the dimly lit road, and could not help but feel a bit envious.

I did not reply at first, but merely simmered over Cielle’s question as thoughts and ideas flitted through my head without direction. After enough time passed to where Cielle’s words had long since been carried away by the night time summer wind, I finally responded.

I shook my head, a tired and dreary expression on my face as I spoke one syllable. “No.”

My earlier interaction with Narise wasn’t how I had wanted it to go. While it was true that I wanted to break her, what I wanted to break was the parasitic belief Narise had held. The concept of the “hierarchy of power” that she had strongly advocated for was something determinantal for both her and I. The feeling that it was the only method to survive in this world, the idea that everything else revolved around such a simple, yet cruel power structure, I wanted to break that illusion. I wanted to break it, and while the subsequent replacement wouldn’t be as genuine as the one I had with Cielle and the others, it would at least be healthier than what she had fostered.

Although these were my intentions, in the end, I had gone about it the wrong way.

What I wanted to do was force Narise into a corner, to trap her, to push her to her limits before she, from her own volition, breaks off the shackles that weighed her down. When I forced her with the command of killing the Gila, I had made one fatal mistake; believing in Narise’s affection.

Back then, I wanted her to refuse. I wanted, I even stupidly assumed that she had it in her to refuse, to disobey my order, and to disobey her own beliefs in favor of the love she had fostered with the creature. In the end, that belief of hers was too deeply ingrained into Narise’s mind, and due to that one miscalculation, my original plan crumbled.

To my shock and surprise, she had taken the initiative to exemplify the “hierarchy of power” that she spoke of, and as a result, the situation played out like how it played out. The only saving grace was that I had enough of a sound mind to stop her from going through with her actions. Had I not, then her hands would have been stained with a layer of blood which she could never wash off.

Back then, I panicked, or rather, I stuck too closely to the façade I was trying to maintain. I had gone too deep, and I had no way of turning back. I don’t know what effect my decision will end up having in the long run, but it feels as if I’ve began walking down a path that I can never turn away from.

In the end, I did end up breaking Narise, but it was different from what I had originally wanted. And the longer I regretted, the more thoughts filled my mind. Things like, “If only I hadn’t done this…” or “If only she had done that…” these types of ideas endlessly revolved around my head like a never-ending kaleidoscope.

“I see…” Cielle’s quiet voice wretched me back to reality. I took a sidelong glance at her, only to see her stare out into the open road, peering into the darkness that consumed the world around us.

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“Then, do you regret what you did?” She asked with a tenor of inquiry in her placid tone.

“Yes.” Without hesitation, I instantly responded. If I had played it out better, then things wouldn’t have ended up like that. The seed of betrayal that I unwillingly sowed would never have existed if I was someone more capable.

After a long silence, I could not help but sigh out, “Leading people is hard.” I spoke with a hoarse, and heavy breath, “Things like fighting, scavenging for resources, running away from monsters, those types of actions are surprisingly easy, but… having the power to influence a person’s life so drastically, being able to control them to such a degree… it’s all just so…” I extended my hand in front of me, clenching and unclenching my fingers repeatedly as I struggled to form the words that I wanted to convey.

“Stressful?” Cielle chimed in from the side.

I paused for a moment, thought about it, before I eventually nodded with a sigh. “Yeah, it’s all just so stressful. It’s easy when things work out the way you want it to, but if they don’t, then it’s like hell… Just one wrong move, just one wrong action is sometimes all it takes for everything to fall apart.

“Lately, I feel like I’ve been doing nothing but tripping over myself, making one mistake after another.”

“You’ve always been like that, Hide.” Cielle replied through the quiet of the night. “Someone who overthinks things, someone who dwells too much on the bad things, someone who has trouble interacting with people… you’re someone who makes a lot of mistakes.”

I could not help but unconsciously nod at Cielle’s words.

“Sometimes, those mistakes become lucky coincidences, sometimes those mistakes are things you struggle hard to fix, and sometimes those mistakes are things you can never fix, but nonetheless dwell on.” Her words were like a quiet, ghost like whisper, almost inaudible through the sound of the buffeting wind that blew through the road side. “… Truthfully, I don’t think Hide is a good leader. You’re someone who knows how to fight, someone who can build really useful things, and someone who I can personally lean on, but… I don’t think you’re someone who can lead.”

“But I don’t have a choice.” I solemnly spoke in quiet protest. Cielle’s evaluation of me was something I completely agreed on, yet all the same, I could not help but let human nature take over me as I pathetically tried to justify myself. “If I don’t do it, if I don’t keep going, if I stop playing this game with all these strict rules and restrictions, then everything will just end up falling apart. If I stop for even just a second to look back and regret, then everything will come crumbling down… at least, that’s how I feel.”

“I don’t disagree with you.” Cielle’s quietly acquiesced, as she slightly turned her head away from me. “Out of everyone here, Hide is the best leader, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re not cut out to be one…”

Hearing her words, another heavy sigh escaped from my throat. For a long time, I was silent, my brain churning through thoughts and ideas, before I forcibly changed the topic and suddenly asked, “Then, what would you have done, Cielle?”

I did not need to explicitly describe what it was I was talking about, between the two of us, the topic of conversation was as clear as day.

“I… I don’t know.” She truthfully spoke. “I’m not the leader. While I might help out here or there, I’m not the one who has to handle all the complicated stuff, and for that I’m thankful to you.”

Hearing her words, I could not help but let out a hollow and bitter laugh. Without restrain, I continued the conversation, “Even if you don’t know, tell me honestly, if it were you, do you think you could have done a better job at handling the situation?”

There was a pause, before Cielle eventually nodded. “Yes, I think I could have.”

I let out another laugh. “Even after saying that, do you still think I’m the best leader this group has to offer?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t that a bit contradictory?”

“Yes.”

“…”

“… Do you want to quit that badly, Hide?”

I thought for a moment, before I nodded.

“Then… let’s go.” Cielle suddenly stated.

“Huh?”

“You want to quit, right? To leave and run away from everything?” She asked with a certain level of clarity, as if the questions she asked weren’t questions, but statements of truth. “… If that’s the case, then do you want to abandon everything and walk out with me? We can leave right now, just the two of us. Cher, Hina, the President… we can leave them all behind, and never turn back.”

“…”

“We might go the port, and if there are people there, we can steal a boat, and sail away from this island. You can forget about everything, leave everything behind, it will be just the two of us… that way, Hide can stop being the Hide who forces himself to lead and just be the Hide who struggles to survive.”

“…” I sat silently as I seriously contemplated Cielle’s whimsical offer. A part of me knew that she wasn’t serious, that her words were merely spoken to comfort me, but another part of me could not help but imagine her proposal… A peaceful world with nobody else but Cielle by my side, one where I don’t have to worry about Narise or about how to address the possible survivors in Kagetaka Port… a world where I don’t have to worry about all the mistakes that I made… a world where everything worked out perfectly. It was indeed an enviable fantasy, but in the end…

I shook my head firmly. “You know we can’t do that.” I spoke with a sigh. “There are people here who I don’t want to abandon, people who I’ve grown to care about, people who we both care about. I can’t just leave all that behind.”

Cher, Hina, even Cielle, they were unwitting shackles that kept me in place, but they were restrictions I willingly chose to take on.

“Yeah…” Cielle slightly bobbed her head in a nod, before she brought her knees closer to her chest, and turned to look at me. “Then, what will you do?”

“… I guess we’re back to that question again, huh?” I sighed as I tilted my head back up to face the starry sky. “In the end, I still don’t know. I don’t know how to fix the mistakes that I’ve made, and even if I could rewind time and start over again, I still wouldn’t know how to make this situation any better… I… I just don’t know.”

The weight of everyone’s lives, both physically and mentally, all pressed down on me like a giant slab of concrete, slowly crushing my chest and pushing out the air in my lungs.

“… Hide, you’re not alone.” Cielle stated amidst my struggle, her words like a tiny chisel that chipped away at a tiny portion of that giant slab. “Although you are prone to make mistakes, in the end, you are the person who everyone ended up relying on.”

I glanced down at Cielle and saw her repeatedly opening and closing her lips, struggling to formulate the word and emotions she wanted to properly convey. After a short pause, she eventually continued, “… Sometimes, I can tell that you struggle with some of the things you do. Since I’m always watching you, I end up noticing a lot of things… Like how you stay up at nights thinking of how to address a certain situation, or how you go back and forth while struggling to decide on something… I notice a lot of the things that you go through, and while I know I can’t fix any of those problems for you… I, I can at least help.”

“…”

“Just like how you are the pillar supporting all of us, it’s fine if you also lean on me for support…” She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts, before continuing, “And it’s not just me who you can rely on. Cher and Hina too, you can trust them as well. While you might not want to weigh them down with any of the problems you’re going through, just know that they won’t push you away.”

For a long time, I could not respond. As an extended period of silence occupied the space around us, I quietly thought about Cielle’s words. A tiny thread of light pierced through the thick fog of darkness in my heart.

“I… thank you.” I managed to respond, as I stood up and stretched my arms. There was a slight, almost undetectable spring in my actions.

Beside me, Cielle nodded, and also stood back up. She followed me as I turned to head back towards the convenience store. As we walked, I slightly turned my head towards Cielle and nonchalantly stated, “You know, lately you’ve been talking a lot more.”

“Really?” Cielle tilted her head as she looked up at me. “Should I stop?”

Seeing the serious expression she adorned, I could not help but chuckle softly. “No, it’s not a bad thing, in fact I like it, a talkative Cielle being the norm would be quite a sight to see.”

Through the thick layer of hair that covered most of her face, I could see Cielle’s lips curl down into a slight frown. “I feel like you’re just making fun of me.”

“But I’m not… just…” I looked straight at her once more, my eyes struggling in the dim of light to see past her hair, and stare directly into her eyes.  Despite her appearance, seeing this girl, whose tiny shoulders I’ve started to lean on for support, I could not help but narrow my eyes in contentment.

“…Thank you.” I repeated.

My words were quiet, almost like the ghost silent whispers of rustling leaves dancing through the wind like fanciful fairies.  Whether or not Cielle heard what I said was beyond me, but the slight smile that formed on her lips was as clear as daylight within my eyes.