Relief flooded over Jake.

He’d won.

It had been unfair, yet he’d still won.

He started laughing even before he ripped off the headset.

Then stood up, wobbly at first, to the cheers of the crowd. Todd ran over and squeezed him, picking him up and shaking him like a rag doll. “You did so great!” he yelled. “You lasted for so long, even with all that bullshit, and then you won!”

Jake’s feet landed back on the ground and he took a second to catch his breath. “How’d you figure out that they were cheating so fast?”

“Because I looked over and the game was close. There’s no way Bernard could’ve done that without help.”

Jake laughed and dropped his hands to his knees. Was he winded from the fight, disoriented from getting out of VR, or still catching his breath from the over-enthusiastic hug he’d just endured? He decided he didn’t care. He dropped to the carpet and lay flat on his back and stared at the fluorescents in the ceiling, his body feeling light and woozy. He laughed some more.

The GameShop employees started his announcements. “As you can see, the winners of the first half of round one are Jacob Wagner and Michael Flannigan. They will be competing in round two. But first, we’ll need to complete round one!”

He continued on, announcing the names.

None of them were a threat. Mike was the only one Jake worried about, and that was only because Mike had been able to set the rules.

But he couldn’t worry about that. No way to tell what shenanigans Mike would come up with, no way to prepare for them ahead of time, so he needed something to do.

The girl.

She’d been staring at his screen intently. Now that he thought back on it, had she been gasping when he’d been in danger?

He decided to take a chance.

He got up off the floor and clapped Todd on the shoulder. “Wish me luck.”

His friend looked confused at first, then a big grin broke out across his face. “You’re gonna do it? Oh man, look at you! I’m so proud!”

Jake marched up to the girl, laughed nervously on his way there, and hoped he didn’t look like too much of a weirdo.

Was everyone staring at him?

Was it because he’d won?

Was everyone going to see him fail?

The girl looked at him curiously as he approached.

Neither of them spoke for a good ten seconds.

“So, um, uh…” Jake scrambled for words. Any words. “Where are you from?”

No, not those words! This town was super white, and she was clearly not, and he’d heard that could be offensive.

“What I mean is… you’re not from around here, are you?”

No! That was even worse! That was definitely offensive!

“I mean… I haven’t seen you before. Are you new here?”

She smiled nervously. “Is that the completion of your question?”

Jake nodded.

“I’m visiting,” she said. “That should answer the last two sections of your question. The first section of your question, where I am from… it’s difficult to explain.”

Okay. So she was just as weird as he was. Possibly more so.

And she wasn’t running away or curling up her nose at him.

This could go somewhere.

Plus, she was even more beautiful up close than she was at a distance.

“So… are you playing in the tournament?”

She turned red, something that Jake didn’t know brown people could do. “Oh goodness no. Asking me to be a tactician is like asking you to be a soldier. It goes against our natures.”

His nature? Sure, he wasn’t brawny like Todd, but he could still shoot a gun if he trained for that kind of thing. “I’d be a great soldier,” he said defiantly.

Her smile drooped. “I see. Then the fact that your character selections were men, it was… no accident?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Do you like both men and women? In the… intimate manner?”

“No!”

She looked down. “Well, I suppose we cannot change our natures. And after you led so well in battle, and spoke to me so nicely, and…” she looked back up at him and put on a brave face. “It’s okay. You are not the only competent tactician in this room, even if you are the best. If you’ll excuse me, I must go try to find a suitable replacement.”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“Wait… is this because I said I could be a soldier? What do you have against soldiers?”

“Nothing!” she snapped. He could feel all the eyes in the room turn towards him. Thankfully, her next words were quieter. “I have nothing against men who want to be soldiers, though they are ill-fitted for such a strenuous job. If they want another man inside them on the battlefield, that is their concern. I am merely disappointed, for your sodomy may lead to my destruction.”

“Wait, what?” She turned and walked away. He yelled after her, perhaps a bit louder than he should have: “What’s a sodomy?”

He blew it.

The girl was probably some hippy who hated soldiers. But then why would she be here, at GameShop, looking for a tactician? Nothing about her made sense.

And why was she cosplaying with a medieval gown and a burlap bag?

He turned and found Todd facing him, a look of amazed, giddy disbelief across his face. “Duuuude! What a… wow!” He laughed. “I feel bad for you, don’t get me wrong, but wow! That conversation! You started off so strong, then you blew it so hard she called you gay!”

“Is that what that word means? Why didn’t she just say gay?”

“You know middle eastern chicks. They’re all… religious and stuff. She thinks you’re going to hell for banging dudes.”

“I don’t bang dudes.”

“You don’t bang anyone.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Right, the point is you dodged a bullet.” Todd draped his arm over Jake’s shoulder in what was probably meant to be a comforting gesture. “Religious chicks, man… next thing you know, you’d be storing a prayer mat behind the slurpee machines. Plus she has some dog collar thing in that big bag she’s carrying. She’s a weirdo, I’m telling you.”

“I have to go tell her that I’m not gay.”

“Oh yeah, because that will totally work…”

She was already across the room, talking with Mike. He flashed his eyebrows when he saw Jake looking, as if to say see what I have that you don’t.

It was true. Mike had always been more popular, a smoother talker. He’d know what sodomy was, and how it differed from just regular gay.

He couldn’t interrupt. He wasn’t feeling that cocky. Maybe he would’ve right after the match, but after the recent embarrassment he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

But he did hear snippets of conversation. She was asking him why his team was all male, just like she’d asked Jake. Was she going to go around asking everyone that? Tournament mode was all male. That’s just how it was.

Mike seemed to be explaining that to her. Damn him and his ability to communicate like a normal human being.

“So you’re saying that someone who chooses male soldiers doesn’t necessarily enjoy intercourse with men?”

“Yeah girl,” he said, laying his hand on her waist and leaning in. “I’m straight as an arrow.”

“That means you enjoy intercourse with women?”

“You’re one strange chick.”

“That means you enjoy intercourse with women?” she repeated.

“Uh… yeah.”

“Thank you.” She turned around and marched directly towards Jake.

“H-hi again,” he said weakly.

She looked straight into his eyes. “Answer me honestly. Do you enjoy intercourse with women?”

“Yes.” He bobbed his head up and down in a series of quick, short nods.

“Then why were you so roundabout before? You nearly—”

Mike walked up behind her and rested a hand on her shoulder, which she flung off with practiced ease. He blinked in surprise.

Todd stepped in between them, pushing Mike out of the way while patting the polo-clad boy on the head like a child. “Nuh-uh. That’s enough. You’ve had plenty and it’s time for you to share.”

The girl stared up at Jake with pleading eyes. “You have to rescue us. Please.”

“Rescue? What?”

“Take us somewhere that we can become intimate.”

His eyes bulged.

“I’m sorry, do you not have that word either? Take me someplace in which we can perform coitus.”

His jaw dropped. Surely this kind of thing didn’t happen in real life.

She blushed and looked down, embarrassed. “I’m sorry, I keep on using words you don’t have in this world. Please, take me to a place where we can fuck.”