In some ways, my two lives were just like the zip I now found myself clasping. An overt outside illuminated by daylight, while the shadowed unknown lurked within. Pulling this open, tearing along the seam long destined, was a natural process. Didn’t stop it from sickening me in a way.
It only took a few seconds to pull the zipper around the outside of the bag, but it felt like agonizing minutes. Heartbeat thumped in my chest. Lightheaded. My breath held as my brain raced over a hundred different possibilities for what lay inside.
And then, I folded the flap back.
No immediate explosion. Contents within were almost as dark as the bag itself. Fingers buzzed as they hovered closer to grasping at it. Sounds around me seemed to dull, except for my living organs fighting to escape this situation.
I lifted it up slowly. My eyes clocking what it was almost immediately, but my brain was struggling to catch up.
A tactical vest. Straps slack, buckles clacking together as I stood slowly and turned it. Indentations on the front plate where it had been shot. The place where a nametag had once sat had been torn off. As it rotated, I fixated on the right side.
Rips through the fabric. Frayed ends of straps and a darker tone to the texture of the material. Long dried blood.
A ringing in my ears numbed my senses, my peripheral fading away as I couldn’t take my focus away on this damaged section. Where their right arm would have been. Where my right arm would have been. Air left my lungs and the sound of gunfire played around in the back of my mind like a movie in a different room. Shouted orders. Screams. Sweat and blood. Flashes of light and then darkness.
I gasped as my body shook, only just realizing that the super was shaking me gently.
“Dubs? Dubs? Stay with me here.” Concern in her fiery eyes as I emerged from the confusion.
[Roxy. Apologies, I was… disturbed.]
“I could tell.” She pulled me in for a hug as my arm went slack. “I’m guess that’s what the old you was wearing when… you died?”
All I was able to respond with was a grunt. It was clear to me now that Boss had planted this here, but why? Did he remove the name tag? At least I was somewhat comforted that removing my arm had been necessary, given the damage the protected gear took.
[Best we move on from here. Take the bag home for testing.]
She pulled away and nodded, still not entirely convinced I was fine. Which I wasn’t. Benefit of the vocalizer was that my voice could remain neutral and confident even if I felt rather shellshocked.
“Sure. That was the only thing in there?”
I furrowed my brow further and kneeled down. Hand dug around within and found… a small piece of technology.
Still expecting something dire to happen, I withdrew it slowly and held it in the air. Some manner of chip? The drone hovered down closer so that Clara could take a look.
//Clara: Looks like an encrypted micro-drive.
//Clara: Keep it safe and I will crack it back home.
Dropped it carefully into one of the pouches on my belt. Roxy helped me zip up the bag with the ruined gear inside. While I was down here, I unclipped a torch from my chest and shone some light through the back of the safe. It was a simple two-shelf design. Bag had been on the bottom, and there was nothing else there. Top shelf…
[Could you hold the light, please?]
The super did so, and I reached in once more. Had been hard to see it in the dark, but there was an envelope. Drew it out into the light. Black, with a red border. Fancy stationery, but it didn’t jog any memories.
On the front, however, the large W in gold pen made it all too clear what this was.
Turned it over and thumbed through the seal, Roxy stepped forward to help remove the empty envelope so I could open up the letter within. Plain white paper, sharp fold through the middle. Handwriting smart, but the actual words drew my attention from further analysis.
Agent W,
If you are reading this, then you are finally on your own.
Either I am dead or the hounds nipping at my heels have gotten too close for comfort.
I have no regrets over keeping you caged, nor offer any apologies.
As a token of my appreciation for your work over the years, I leave you with meager breadcrumbs. Spread your wings and follow them, songbird, if you wish.
Otherwise seethe and writhe among the maggots where I found you.
Goodbye.
Boss
I stared at the page for a while, not really focused on the words or the message any longer. There was a… greasy feeling to it. Like my brain had been slathered with oil. The promise of freedom - that he was letting me go, to run free.
What a sick fucking joke.
Took a deep breath and handed it over to the patient super. Should I feel bitter and hold a grudge? I had become too much trouble for him to keep me under wraps, so he was escaping and leaving me to the life I had clawed and struggled to grasp at. And yet this was his 'benevolent mercy'.
Left hand clenched into a fist.
To top it off, rather than paint the answers out clearly for me, I was just left to work it out myself. Dangled my destroyed armor in front of me but shrugged and sank into the shadows after. If there wasn’t something substantial on the chip, I might change my current goals to finding the asshole and beating the answers straight from his skull myself.
Maybe that’s what he wanted.
“What a motherfucker.” Roxy shook her head, handing the page back over before she burned it. “Are you alright, Dubs?”
Wasn’t sure what to vocalize just yet, so I gave her a brief shake of my head. Wasn’t sadness… just the disgust over the disrespect shown to me. I craved the truth as much as I feared it, and to treat it as something that he didn’t even care to give me the closure over after all these years…
My tumulous thoughts clattered around before slowing to a simmer as the super brought me in for another hug. She was uncomfortably warm, but I rested my head to the side of of hers and tried to ground myself.
[Currently, Boss has been manipulating or guiding me between mysteries. While my initial emotional reaction is one of contempt, I do not discount the fact that this is all an intentional part of a longer ploy.]
“Maybe, Dubs. I just wanted you to have a win today.”
I moved away slightly so I could look her in the face. Watched the flames dancing behind her eyes.
[There’s still time for us to achieve that.]
She smiled and narrowed her eyes. “Let’s hope I get the all clear from the doc then, huh?”
//Clara: I’m not opposed to falsifying the results to further my own agenda.
The super turned and waved away the drone. “Shoo, would you? Keeping an eye on our surroundings, I hope?”
//Clara: Escapees have regrouped but showing no interest in making a counter-attack.
//Calra: Incapacitated individuals recovering from the Nerve agent, I suggest moving back to the van.
[I concur. I’ve had enough of being outside.]
Roxy gave me a pat on the back and picked up the bag. We walked to the closest part of the wall not obscured by housing or debris, and she kicked a large panel off - creating our own doorway.
[Always a pleasure seeing you in peak form.]
“Quit with the flattery, asshole. You just had a big dose of trauma there. I need to know you’re actually okay.” Although the words were stern, her expression was softer than usual.
[I feel as though someone has stuck a dirty spoon into my brain and mixed things around.]
“Any memories come flooding back?”
At first I just shook my head, but under her constant glare, she melted the truth from me.
[Disjointed sounds and emotions again. A firefight, perhaps. Didn’t sound too healthy.]
“No, I imagine not.” Roxy gave me a glum smile as we stepped carefully back through the minefield. “You had a near-death experience. I’m really apprehensive as to what is on this encrypted drive.”
[As he did not want to give me any answers, I’m not too hopeful.]
//Clara: Sounds like he is leaving it for you to find out if you want to.
//Clara: Although I couldn’t imagine you’d ever not want to, Gunquake.
[That might be his assumption too, although I wonder how long ago the letter was placed.]
“I’ll tell you something, though.” Roxy relaxed as we made outside of the minefield. “I don’t like how he is dangling all these skeletons in front of you every time you try to move on. I’d like to ask him a few questions myself.”
[Would the first one be ‘how much do you like having no head?’ as you burned it off?]
“Hah. That'd probably the third question, for sure.” She stepped around to my left side so that she could hold my hand. “I much prefer problems I can kick the shit out of.”
[You always say the most poetic things. Really resonates with my soul.]
Roxy rolled her eyes, but her smile was radiant. “I don’t know where all this charm comes from, Dubs. Has me head over heels though, like we’ve known each other for years.” She moved a little close to press into me as we walked. “Which we definitely haven’t, before you ask. You know I have the subtlety of a brick through a window - I would have been mewing at your door like a lost cat from day one if we had a prior relationship.”
[Is that what cats do?]
“No idea. I’m just yapping because my brain is too focused on us getting home and out of these sweaty outfits.” The super bit her tongue and narrowed her eyes at me. “Bet you’d love a nice bubble bath.”
[You had me at bubble bath.]
“Hope you don’t mind me joining you, then?”
//Clara: I can still hear you both, you know?
Roxy scowled at the van as we approached the rock formation. “Dubs… you didn’t invite Clara to our bath, did you?”
[Hmm? Oh, no. I was asking her if she would try my cooking.]
She nodded slowly. “I’m not sure if that’s any more believable, actually. You can cook?”
[Is there anything that I cannot do?]
The super released the grip on my hand as we reached the van, and grimaced. “I’ll feel like an asshole if I actually answer that, and I’m trying to stay on your good side.”
[Oh? Is there something you want from me?]
She opened her mouth to respond, but the back doors of the vehicle popped open. The techie stepped out, a scowl on her face as she held her arms out to receive the powering-down drone. Her ire turned to the super first. “I do hope you won’t hog up the bathroom for too long, sister.” She then raised an eyebrow at me. “For future reference, I prefer showers, Gunquake.”
[No bubbles?]
“Well, no… but maybe I can work something out?”
Roxy huffed and waved her arms. “Get your scrawny ass in the driver’s seat and take us home already, homewrecker. We can fight for Dubs’ attention later.”
With a grin, Clara shrugged and put away the drone before going around the side of the van.
The super stood near me and scowled at the techie the whole way, before sighing once the front door closed. “Good thing we don’t live in the city, otherwise you’d have a queue of bachelorettes outside your door at all times.”
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
[Unfortunate. That would be a lot of disappointment, considering I have all I need right here.]
Roxy tilted her head, and her expression softened. “Motherfucker. Where have you been all my life?” She pulled me in for a hug.
[Beats me.]
She snorted and gave me a squeeze. “Jerk. The bath isn’t just so we can get all soapy together, you know? You need to decompress, and I’ll be there for you if you need a heart to heart, okay?”
[I’m grateful, Roxy. Every step closer to the light I take is empowered your brightness behind me, giving me strength. Now get your toned ass into the van.]
With a scoff, she let me go, some extra shine in her eyes as she tried to dig through my goggles to see my intent. “Glad you brought it back with that last comment and didn’t get too mushy.”
I nodded, due to not being able to smile. A torment that felt ever more real the more time I spent with the pair. Penciled in the mouth-talk for our bathroom meeting. Watched her leave my presence to walk to the passenger side, before I turned to sit in the back.
A comforting darkness as the doors closed, and the van started to roll away.
Despite the jovial needling before, as soon as we were on the trail back home, we all fell into a silence. The fight at the mutant outpost had been short and without any serious injury, but the emotional toll had me exhausted.
I closed my eyes and tried to hold down all the mental shelving buckling and twisting as the new half-revelations shook my mind like an earthquake. Just had to ride out the aftershock termors and I’d be fine. There was a large pile of bitterness, not knowing if Boss was still manipulating me from the shadows or not. Whether the steps I trod toward the future were along a path he was drawing into reality just ahead of me.
Did it matter? I tried to distance myself from the echoed memories of my last life, and the blinding dazzle of my current existence being thrown into the League.
What did I actually want?
Originally, it was to be left alone to kill and exist. Then, once I saw that I deserved more and could actually have a life, I wanted to be more… normal.
I had that now. A relationship. Friendship. Career options.
All things that would usually have an uncomfortable film of slime to it. I had lived as a murderer. This pleasant existence shouldn’t be possible. But, I allowed myself to suspend my disbelief. Enjoy it while karma was distracted.
So now I had a choice of how far I wanted to take things. Already had ‘business’ planned out with the rest of the super group needing putting in their place. But what was my end goal?
To be the best. The strongest. Be loved and respected. Survive whatever life threw out at me.
I knew that some of those ideals were parts of the old me, piercing through the current fabric of ‘Dubs’ like sharp knives. The old me needed to be strong to survive against supers. I wasn’t blind to the fact that I wanted to get this super group into shape because I wanted to build a dependable squad around myself again.
In addition to that, I needed to know what the League really knew about me. What they planned to use me for. I could understand them seeing me as a valuable asset, given my past experience. With whatever retained muscle memory and desire to rise above the odds, I could make for a proficient weapon against supervillains.
For the most part, I’d play along. Allow them and Boss to believe they had me dancing to their tune - but my end goal circled back to what all three of us in the van wanted. An escape from what had us penned into this life. A split from the League that didn’t have us painted as villains, where we could live our lives how we wished.
I exhaled through my re-breather. The rocking of the van tired me out. Hard to sleep while traveling, though. Mind kept wandering… and I tried to dust off the secrets hidden in plain view. Was there a reason Boss chose the World Government building here? It might have been the only one with a safe that the mutants couldn’t get into. But then… why there and not somewhere else?
The letter itself might even have clues. Something with the words or a key to another breadcrumb… but I no longer cared.
Every time I was hit with a gut punch that reverberated around into me having these odd flashbacks, I dulled to the games he was playing. I didn’t see the benefit of dragging me along, just seeing if I could work things out for myself. Maybe the truth was so harsh I needed easing into the reveal?
What if I was even more of a monster than I thought?
Van rolled to a stop, and I hadn’t even realized we had made the full journey already. Dusk had settled in, not long before nightfall would grace us.
“Well, that wasn’t the worst picnic outing I’ve had.” Roxy gave me a wry grin before she popped the door.
We all stepped out and the lower ambient temperature was pleasant, the breeze rolling through even more so. I allowed myself to relax.
Then my brow furrowed. Hand went up to silence the pair before they could ask what was up.
My eyes scoured our little neighborhood. Breath held, I rotated between the kill-room, empty yard, workshop, garden, the house, and then back to the space between them. I lowered my hand again, and gave a resigned grunt.
“Everything okay, Gunquake? Sensor log is totally clear aside from the delivery earlier and our van going back and forth.”
[Not sure, just had one of those bad feelings.]
Roxy was doing her own check, trusting my instincts, but coming to the same conclusion. “Long day, I’ll go start up the bath, Dubs.”
“I will be in the workshop so you both have some privacy.” Clara crossed her arms. “But after you’re done with him, I want him.”
The super’s right eye twitched, and she tilted her head. “You… need to elaborate on your intentions.”
“We need to discuss workshop equipment and gear upgrades.”
“Ah. In that case, sure.” With a glance at me, she turned and walked off to the house.
[Will you assist me in taking off my tactical gear, Clara?]
She nodded and gestured to the smaller side of the workshop. While superheroes often seemed to live in their outfits, I wasn’t keen to be dragging around a full rig of magazines and grenades everywhere I went. At home, just the vest, slacks, and trench-coat would be enough. I handed over the bag containing the ruined vest, and produced the small data drive.
We had appropriated some basic shelving from somewhere, and I didn’t care to ask how or when. Just enough to stack my mags in a box and hang up my chest rig and belt. Although the weight of my equipment was usually oddly comforting, it felt freeing to be rid of it today. Duffel bag went onto the shelf, and tech into a small case in her pocket. We didn't have a proper computer set up just yet.
[Find whatever computer equipment you need that can be delivered by Van Michaels tomorrow. I'll leave that in your capable hands, but I want you to do all the testing and decryption in house.]
She nodded. "As you command, Gunquake. Shall I send you quotes?"
[No, just get it done. Could you also do me the honor of submitting my League documents?]
“Of course, Gunquake. I’ll have a double check through them while you are occupied with my sister, and get them sent off.”
[I’m partly surprised that you hadn’t already done it.]
“Normally I would have, but this is your important decision to make.” She smiled and leaned against the wall as I put my coat back on. “For me, if you turned around and said you weren’t going to be a hero, and went to do your own mercenary work… or worse, I’d still stick with you and help.”
[And risk being labeled a villain?]
“I’ve decided my loyalty falls alongside your fated path. Foolish, sure, but I can think of no sadder death than being the League’s underdeveloped pawn the rest of my life.”
Her ambition couldn’t abide it. She had mentioned they were previously not keen for her to work on live patients, so my acceptance of whatever she wanted had lit a fuse under something she was passionate about. While I would never wish for her devotion to lead her against the law or into danger, she was as stuck with me just as I was with her.
[You’ll be a sidekick soon, I will make sure of it.]
“Counting down the days, Gunquake.” Her smile softened. “Go get washed up, but don’t use up too much of your energy. I need you for something later.”
[Something… dangerous?]
Clara bit her lip. “No. Not unless you want it to be.”
I shook my head and sighed, eliciting a smile from the techie. Waved her off and left the workshop before she could corral me into more slippery wordplay. There was a whole host of technical conversations we needed to have about my gear progression and the way forward.
If I didn’t leave her now, I’d miss out on the bubbles, however.
Took another glance around our housing before I went through the front door. Nothing, but my mashed brain was growing paranoid. Up the stairs, took my boots off outside the bathroom, and stepped in through the door.
Roxy had already disrobed and stepped over to help me out of the rest of my outfit as soon as I entered. Door closed, we settled into the thick bubbles and warm water opposite each other.
“Ahh.” She closed her eyes and relaxed. “Maybe it’s because of the volcano shit, but I love a hot bath, even though the outskirts here are often so warm.”
[Agreed. I find it relaxing to scour away the sins of the day and soothe my aching muscles.]
The super opened her eyes slightly. “How you feeling about today, Dubs?”
[There’s an odd juxtaposition between the bickering and banter between us, and digging up the bloodied outfit of the old me who died.]
Her eyes opened so that she could wince properly. “I can’t even imagine. We’re an odd bunch, and that’s a pretty… heavy thing to hit you with.”
[Odd, sure. But family, at least until you pop Clara’s head off.]
Roxy smiled softly. “You want to know a secret, Dubs? I let her rile me up about us.”
[You do?]
“We’ve already established that I see actions as more important than words. Clara talks a lot of shit, but she’d never do anything that would hurt me.” The super moved her hands through the bubbles to put a gathered handful on top of her head. “I like seeing her happy, so if you guys hug or she sleeps against you… it doesn’t really make me that jealous.”
[She seems to have basic companionship needs.]
“She dated a guy for a while and he was cute. Dated a girl and she was even cuter. Neither really lasted though, she just gets bored of relationships easily. Unconventional as it gets.” Roxy sighed. “Even the pair of us were slowly drifting apart the last couple of years. Seeing the light you’ve lit under her, plus our renewed sisterhood, is… well, I can bear a little annoyance for that.”
[Although, she seems keen to push things to see where your limit is.]
“Eh. I’ll put my foot down if either of your genitals get involved.” Her eyes narrowed. “And I mean, I’ll literally put my foot down on your genitals.” The super’s leg moved beneath the water to ensure I knew it was a real and plausible threat. And that she could currently reach.
[With more force than that, I assume.]
“I’m reasonably open-minded, Dubs, but I do want a traditional relationship. At least, outwardly facing.”
[The League will require it?]
A grimace went across her face and she sunk deeper into the bath, but she didn’t immediately reply. I had thought our pairing might be a tough sell for the hero marketing department, and her expression furthered that point home.
“League… does try to match make for publicity sometimes.” Her eyes closed as the bubbles consumed the back of her head. “Few years back they tried to pair me with a female super, but I didn’t think I could pretend for the public like that. I already had enough issues about my figure without…” Her voice trailed off.
[They accepted you turning it down, though?]
“Sure, it’s not like an arranged marriage or anything… but there are perks to having an approved pairing.” Her eyes opened to look at the ceiling, but some dullness had clouded the usual fire. “They suggested… well, I won’t name him. He seemed great at first. Good match, handsome, career prospects. I fell for him. But, he had a bit of a mean streak.”
[Abusive?]
She held her hand up, and I took it, helping her sit back up in the bath. Bubbles slipped down her wet body as she looked me straight in the face. “You have to promise me that you won’t go all macho jerk and fight my exes because of the past, okay?”
[I promise you, Roxy.]
Her eyes looked back and forth, trying to read me. Eventually, she was contented enough. “He had a vile tongue. Said a lot of things about my body and that I… Dubs, there’s something else I need to tell you.” She looked tired now, reliving the past not only an effort for me. “It’s not something I tell many people, and things have been going so fast between us I just didn’t…”
My hand moved from the water, and I cupped the side of her face.
[Whatever it is, I’m with you. Good or bad.]
Her expression softened, and she leaned her face into my hand. “You soft motherfucker. I’m just… I’m unable to have children.”
[I understand. For what it’s worth, I am pretty sure that I cannot either. It doesn’t change anything between us.]
Roxy moved her hand up to mine to hold it in place while she kissed my palm. “Cancer, ironically found when the League took me in once my superpower came in. The reason I bring it up is because my ex gave me a lot of shit for it. Wanted someone I wasn’t, really. One time he pushed me too far, and so I pushed him…”
[I’m assuming he wasn’t a strength super.]
She shook her head. “Didn't injure him, but it was the death knell. Packed my bags and went home to the farm to get away from him. Rookie error. He immediately ran to the League and media. I shouldn’t have put my hands on him, but there’s only so many times you can be made to feel inhuman and small.” Roxy blinked away some mist from her eyes. “You fucking asshole, Dubs. We’re meant to be talking about your issues, prick.”
[Your issues are my issues, Roxy.]
“Don’t.” She sighed, deflating back against the bathtub, letting my hand go. “I don’t know why you’re so fucking comfortable to be around. I am usually a hothead, but you’re just some magic people-pleaser or something.”
[For certain people, sure.]
Others I murdered or maimed. That part was easy to ignore sometimes.
“It’s just so nice to have someone accept me for what I am, including my flaws. Although I was sent here under false pretenses by the League, sometimes I feel it was the other way around?”
[That we met for me to get under your skin and puppeteer your heart?]
Her brow furrowed. “Not quite that phrasing, but sure. Like if you told me the League actually sent you to unfuck my attitude and beat the team into shape, I’d believe it.”
An amusing thought, but I was certain that wasn’t the case. None of my current past memories pointed to me being with the League - or anything as pleasant as orders to romance a super. It had worked out this way due to our personalities and desires, not because of the machinations of others. I hoped.
[Is that what you need right now, Roxy? For your attitude to be unfucked?]
Her eyes narrowed, and she bit her lip, the flames dancing in the back of her gaze giving me all the answers that I needed.
----------------------------------------
An undisclosed amount of time later, and I was walking down the stairs once more. Needed a fresh canister after today. Left the light on after grabbing the chilled tube from the freezer. Didn’t want a repeat of the previous evening. Now, in some more comfortable clothing, I was ready to turn my attention over to the techie and what she required of me.
Roxy appeared at the top of the stairs as I stepped into the lobby. She now had a long, baggy t-shirt on, and a warm smile across her face. I stood and waited as she came down and walked over to me. Arms came up around me and she pulled me in close. Head moved back to look me in the face.
“Can I be a little dangerous, Dubs?”
[I will allow it.]
She ran her tongue across her dry lips as her burning eyes took me in. “I... love you. I know that it’s so soon, so I’m not expecting you to-”
I moved my hand up to put my finger on her lips before her tongue could run away any further.
[I love you too, Roxy.]
The super pulled me in tighter, and I almost died as she forgot her strength. It was soon. She was right about that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t lie to her. Despite defaulting to her issues in the bathroom meeting, the truth was she was helping me with every sentence she uttered.
For a man previously alone and lost, shared emotional vulnerability was what I craved the most. Like a chilled canister on a hot day. She had said that my acceptance of her was what drew her in, but it was also her acceptance of me that allowed me to grow into what we now were. A murderer with no mouth and a gun-arm, yet she cared for me, was able to be passionate with me, and treated me no differently than if I didn’t have my flaws.
Odd puzzle pieces that fit together just right. It would be cliche to sit and say that I didn’t understand love, or couldn’t bring myself to find love in this life - cliche, and incorrect.
Still, there was a hum in the back of my mind that I couldn’t shake. More dots that hadn’t connected yet, but were hinting at some underlying truth that would make things make more sense. I knew that I would kill or die for Roxy, and was looking forward to seeing what we could do together in the future. Both as superheroes, and as a couple.
Something I wanted, that we had created ourselves.
I pressed my forehead against hers as she finally let me go, the widest smile on her face I’d ever seen. Waved her away as she went to get dressed before - I assumed - eating another whole tub of ice-cream.
Some drab frustration pained at my eyes as I stepped out of the house into the cool night air. Inside I was smiling just as wide as the super, yet other than a few creases by my eyes, nobody would be able to see I was so happy. Fulfilled. Loved.
Adjusted my t-shirt and sighed. Time to see what Clara wanted from me this evening, although some sleep sounded like a nice idea. Maybe a movie night.
Stopped half-way to the workshop and turned to the side. The techie was already out, leaning against the van with her arms crossed.
“Get in, Gunquake. We’re going to go do some crime.”