I’ve had dreams about sex before. I am only human, and your dreams are not a matter of sin (according to every catholic forum I’ve found on the subject since I was sixteen). But I still feel off in the morning. It was so vivid, and I’ve never been able to picture the people I was “doing it” with so accurately. I keep trying to shake it, but it doesn’t go away. It feels more like a memory than a dream but none of that happened. I don’t want any of it to happen! Well, not now at least.
Andrew and I will eventually I suppose.
And I asked for him in the dream. And Maria gave me him exactly how I’ve skirted around the edge of imagining him.
Maria did that. For me.
In a dream. Just a dream.
It takes me far too long to get out of bed, but it isn’t like I’m in a rush. Standing at the window and letting the sunlight hit my face helps a bit. I skip showering and stay in my pajamas. I can’t see myself right now. I can’t explain it, but I feel like there ought to be marks on my skin and looking at myself and not seeing them is more than I can take.
I won’t think of why. I won’t.
Our Father who art in heaven….
Breakfast is chocolate cereal, coffee with the fancy caramel syrup that Sophie got me for my birthday and nonsense renovation shows. If I can’t get one kind of junk out of my brain maybe I can drown it out with other kinds.
“Violet?” Maria’s voice calls from the hallway
“Fuck!” I whip around and almost fall off the couch. Maria is on me in a second, holding me up by my arm and catching my bowl with her free hand. I blink and stare at her.
She was just barely out of her room – how did she get over here?
She looks awful. I had opened the blackout curtains she put up in the living room to get a little natural light and crack the windows open and in the bright morning sunlight she looks nearly as pale as me with dark circles under her eyes. Her lips look chapped, her hair looks dull. And those eyes I keep getting lost in despite my best efforts and my best prayers look as if the light isn’t even reaching them. I would think she was concerningly sick, but she’s all but supporting my body weight with one hand.
“Maria?” I whisper, staring into her face. She looks like a deer caught in the headlights which is ironic because I feel like one. She gently lets go of my arm and I resituate myself on the couch. She turns away and sets down my cereal bowl. “You were – how did you do that?”
“Do what?” She asks, still turned away.
“It was like you teleported!” I laugh but I know how strained I sound.
“No, I was just closer than you thought I was.”
“Are you alright? You don’t look like you’re feeling too hot?”
“No, I’m as fine as I have ever been.” She turns enough to get the curtains, and I swear she flinches as the breeze moves her hair.
“Okay, seriously, what’s up the curtains?”
“It’s part of the same condition as the gloves. My body can’t…I mean it isn’t metabolizing – that’s definitely not the word – but I suppose you could say that my body can’t metabolize sunlight anymore. It’s complicated and I hardly understand it myself.”
“Oh. I’m sorry…I absolutely wouldn’t have opened—”
“—Violet, you could never do anything wrong to me.” She says, turning back to me and I open my mouth to disagree because we both know exactly what I’ve done to her
Just go! I can hear my own voice in my head so clearly.
Then I look into her eyes. Beautiful dark eyes. And I trust her. She means what she’s saying. It’s Maria, of course she does.
Whatever this condition is, it must affect her pretty strongly because she looks fine now. Better than fine. The warm browns of her skin seem to flood back into her face and the bags are gone and her thick dark hair falls in its haphazard chops around her face and neck again.
“Well, still…I’m sorry. I uh, I’m just jumpy. I was trying to feel put together. Weird dreams.”
“Ahhh, Are the flowers eating the cat again?”
“Oh, shut up!” I laugh properly this time. “I am never sleeping in the same room as you again.”
“I don’t think that will be a problem – have you warned your Andrew that you talk in your sleep?”
“That doesn’t mean he’s ready for it.” I laugh and shake my head.
“You ate enough breakfast?”
“Yeah, yeah I’m good. Thanks, Maria.”
“Of course,” she says and slips away into the kitchen. I settle back into my seat and grab my cereal bowl to finish it off. I feel settled for the first time all morning. Like all I needed was to just connect with someone to feel alright again. Well, not someone.
Maria. My Maria.
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“Oh my god-goodness I saw one!” Sophie slides into her seat next to me. We still have a few minutes until this lecture starts. She must see how confused I am because she at least tries to clarify. “The animals? The dead ones?”
“I…have no clue what you mean and frankly I’m a little concerned to ask,” I say.
“There were all these dead rabbits found on campus this weekend! A couple of like, other animals too? Mostly found right by the rabbits. Super freaky.”
“Why isn’t this on the news?” I immediately pull out my phone to check. “Oh, oh it is…” I suppose I haven’t been paying much attention to the outside world in the last few days. “This report only says ten.”
“Only ten? And it’s eleven now.”
“Right, of course – are you okay?”
“Yeah, like I’m fine,” Sophie assures me. “A little weirded out but you know, it is just some rabbits. And some sick freak. But there’s plenty of security cameras around campus, they’ll catch whoever it was, right?”
“Yeah, I mean, there’s no way they don’t,” I agree, still skimming the article from the campus newspaper. The police aren’t advising any student action besides reporting dead animals and not touching them. But no one has reported any harm to students, so things are weird but probably fine.
Those poor rabbits.
I can’t stop thinking about it all through class. The article had no photos. I wonder if I can ask Sophie? No, I don’t want to rattle her any more than she already seemed. I mean, she said she was fine, but she was so anxious to tell me about what had happened. Like if she didn’t it would eat her alive.
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I give in to the morbid curiosity and try to find a photo and sure enough there’s a post from late last night someone has tagged as being from on campus featuring the body of a rabbit.
I’ve seen dead animals – obviously – but this feels weird. It looks laid to rest, exactly like how a rabbit might snuggle up to sleep. Except for that the fur around its neck is mangled. Like it was killed by strangling.
I am all too ready to take Sophie up on leaving campus for lunch. I need to clear my head of that image. I shouldn’t have looked.
Who would do that?
“Hey, this is so…so I found that rabbit, right?” Sophie says as we walk back to campus after lunch. “It was pretty close my apartment…like, right next to the steps. I don’t know, I’m freaked out. Do you think maybe –since you have that spare room, I could crash while they sort this out?”
Oh, shit, I didn’t tell her.
“Uhm, so, I actually have a friend staying with me right now. From high school.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah uh, well, high school is a misnomer. We knew each other our whole lives. Her name’s Maria. She’s had kinda, well, her life fell apart? She’s just staying while she puts herself back together.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah. Uh, here, let me pull up a picture.” I grab my phone and start going back through my camera roll. “She’s really sweet – I was thinking actually of next time there’s something going on of bringing her. Just like, helping her rebuild a social life, you know?”
“Yeah, for sure. Sorry it was dumb to ask.”
“No! No, I’m glad you asked. Are you going to be okay? I just don’t want you to have to couch surf.”
“I’ll be fine – I promise! The very worst-case scenario is I beg my sorority to let me stay.”
“Okay, as long as you’re sure,” I say as I finally scroll back far enough to find a picture of Maria.
Wait. Why does she look like that?
I’m confronted with a picture of Maria from when we were seventeen. And it’s wrong. This can’t be the same human I’m living with. Sure, we all change a lot in our early twenties, but this cannot be her,
Why isn’t it her? This old picture and the Maria in my apartment have the same face, the same dark hair and cinnamon-brown skin. The same dark eyes.
Are they the same? I don’t remember getting so distracted by her eyes as kids…not regularly. Not so easily. Maybe I was just better at ignoring the impulse then.
“Violet?”
“Oh, yeah. I can’t find a good picture. It’s whatever you’ll meet her soon – she’s great,” I promise.
“I’ll hold you to it – walk safe okay? My next class is in here.” Sophie gives me a quick hug before heading into the building in front of us.
I look at the picture for a moment longer before closing it and putting my phone away.
It’s just that we’re older, I try to convince myself.
I was never successful.
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I’m filling out job applications at Andrew’s after dinner that night, seeing if I can get anything settled for the summer closer than the outdoorsy job up north. I still want it but doing long distance again would be miserable for Andrew and I don’t want to do to that to him.
“I don’t think my brain can take any more of this tonight,” I finally admit, closing my laptop. “Where are you at?”
“Almost done with this, then I can get you home,” Andrew says.
“It’s no big deal, Babe. I can walk myself out.” I say and lean over to kiss his forehead before going to pack up my backpack.
“No, I mean I’m going to drive you,” he clarifies.
“Andy, you know I drove tonight, right?” I say, furrowing my brow. It’s been drizzling all afternoon, and I might not like wasting time driving around campus, but Andrew lives a good few miles off of it.
“I know but the parking garage is kinda far from your place and I know you can almost never find street parking by your place so I just thought it might be nice to drive you home. We can listen to that podcast the deacon suggested in the bulletin.”
“And what about my car?” I ask, pulling on my shoes. Andrew gets up and starts to grab his shoes. “Andrew, seriously, I’m fine.”
“I’ll come get you tomorrow too. It’s no worries, Vi. I’m happy to do it. It’s safer anyway.”
“…Is this about the rabbits?” I ask. He doesn’t look at me. “Andrew, the rabbit thing is messed up, but they’re saying there’s no threat to student safety.” I’m not bothered that he cares but him deciding for me what’s right and then implementing it without even explaining himself is…well, I don’t like it. That’s for sure.
“The police said no apparent threat. I’m driving you,” Andrew replies in a tone that reminds me of the way my dad would say “and that’s final” when we argued when I was a kid and reaches for his coat.
An image appears in my mind. From the dream I had the other night. Andrew under me. Andrew listening to me.
Andrew obeying me
I grab his wrist.
“Andrew.” I put my other hand firmly on his cheek and turn his face to look at me. I’m not grabbing – just guiding. But he still follows. “I am not afraid. I am not in danger. I will drive myself home. I will let you know when I get there. You can pick me up at eight tomorrow morning to get coffee before class if you are still worried after some sleep. Am I clear?”
He looks at me, dumbfounded. “Verbal response,” I direct. He nods.
“Yes, okay. Yeah. Sorry. I just…I was worried.”
“Tell me that next time,” I say and slide my hand up into his hair, using the gentle grip to pull him down into a kiss. It’s soft and it’s warm – nothing like the cold and ravenous kisses from Dream Maria, but still delightful. And still all mine to give and take as I please.
“I love you,” I tell him, letting go.
“I love you too. Please don’t forget to text me,” he says, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.
“I won’t,” I promise. And I don’t forget; I text him as I unlock my door and head inside.
“Maria? Are you here?” I call out. She doesn’t respond but a moment later comes out of her room and leans in the kitchen doorway as I pour myself a drink – there’s still a little more of that wine.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. How’s yours going?”
“Alright. I wrote some letters.”
“Fancy. I thought Andrew was the only person who did that anymore.”
“He is.”
“And you?”
“And me. Here, I moved the glasses, I hope you don’t mind.” Maria slips up next to me to open the cabinet above the sink.
Is the sink linking? There’s an odd coppery smell I only remember from when there was a broken pipe in my freshman dorm. A little bit like –
“Violet, are you sure you’re alright? You look lost.” Maria hands me a glass and it breaks my train of thought.
“I’m fine, I’m really fine, I promise…there’s just a weird thing going on on campus. So, people have been reporting dead rabbits around campus. It’s just weird. Andrew was freaked out about me even having to walk from the parking garage alone.”
“Hmm,” Maria nods. “Well, I’m more than certain there’s not threat to you. You’re a far more difficult quarry than a rabbit.”
What the fuck am I even supposed to say to that? I just kind of laugh it off and take a long drink of my wine.
It must not oxidize well, it takes kind of metallic today. Like a penny.
“I’m uh, I’m gonna hop in the shower I think,” I tell Maria. She nods and I turn to go only to feel her hand on my shoulder.
“Violet? You’re not bothered that deeply about the rabbits, are you?” I look at her and meet her gaze. There’s so much concern in her eyes. It feels different though than Andrew’s attempt to commandeer the situation, it just feels like she would take care of me but only once I tell her to. And it’s impossible not to trust her with anything. Everything.
“I think it’s concerning, but like you said, I’m no rabbit. Colleges are just strange. It will pass.”
“It will.” She smiles and moves her hand. It glides off my shoulder and she turns away to close the cabinet above the sink.
What was I doing?
Shower.
Right.
I should go.
I manage to turn to leave and get to the bathroom and into the shower. Hot water feels amazing on my skin. I take the time to let myself warm up in the water, trying to parse out my thoughts from the past few days.
I try to pray about it, hoping God will grant me some guidance. But prayer isn’t instantaneous like that. At least, not for me.
I did ask Him to help me to help Maria, but so far it feels more like she’s been helping me. It feels like being home in a way I haven’t felt since before mom died.
And maybe even since before Maria left.
How can she look so different than those old photos? Is it that she’s thinner? Or no longer has that sunshine-bright toothy smile?
Is it whatever chronic sickness makes her hands cold and makes her look so weird in the sunlight?
Not weak though. I touch my bare shoulder where she held me up when I nearly fell off the couch.
No longer my clumsy best friend. She’s so graceful now.
I turn off the water suddenly when my thoughts turn to the way the curves of her body looked in the pale light of my room in that dream.
How many times can that stupid dream make its way into my thoughts in one day?
I dry off and get dressed. I head to bed. I don’t have any reason not to, and honestly? I feel drained.
I suppose that would explain me waking up at three in the morning. I try to fall back asleep and can’t manage it. I eventually get up, intending to just get some water and try to settle back down.
I see her, but I don’t think she sees me. Maria, with the curtains open and the windows open I think from the smell of the room and the gentle way her skirt billows around her.
What is she holding? A strange shape. It twitches and my breath hitches.
She turns her head, not enough to see me I don’t think but enough to see her profile in the window. Her lips are so softly parted and her teeth glint in the light.
I shouldn’t be here. I turn and as quietly as I can run back to my room, shut the door and get under the covers, feeling way too much like a kid who thinks the blanket stops the monster under the bed.
They were sharp
Her teeth were sharp.
I’m dreaming.
I need to be dreaming.