Feeling like a total cretin having undone Flint/Slate’s identical triplet’s pants, while he laid there limp like a flesh mannequin, I waited for the android to open his eyes.
It took a little longer than I’d anticipated, and his eye lids seemed to have trouble opening for some reason. Definitely, a sign there was a problem.
Slate was laying on the floor having passed out in much the same manner Flint had done when I’d removed his mole/cartridge back at that secret room. Thankfully, when this new android came around, his first instinct wasn’t to grab onto me like I was some kind of physical threat. He simply peered at me, as though giving his eyes a moment to focus, and he spoke even more calmly than either Slate or Flint.
“Less than ideal,” were his first words to me.
Then he noticed Slate lying on the clay floor.
“A System error has occurred,” the third android said. “We’re both supposed to be operational. All of us should be functional simultaneously for optimum use.”
“I’ve heard this before,” I said. “Your friend here said something similar when we activated him.”
“We?” This new man said. “Assuming you’re referring to yourself, and the first model you’d made contact with?”
“Yes, Flint,” I said.
“This is Slate,” said the android.
“I know,” I said. “And, who might you be?”
“I’m Math.”
The System really went with the idea to simplify their machines’ names. It’s possible they think of us humans as complete idiots. It’s also possible they aren’t wrong.
“It’s good to meet you, Math,” I said. “Slate indicated you might be in possession of his device, and also the other way around.”
He glanced down at the device with him in the crate.
“Indeed,” Math said.
I passed him the scanner-type device Slate had been holding. He gave me the other, heavier piece of equipment, and I laid it next to sleeping Slate.
“So, you’re able to run a diagnostic, right?” I said. “Slate’s programmed for something else, but you can figure out the error? Does this mean you can fix it too, and get all of you guys running at once?”
Math tilted his head as if taking a moment to engage in deep thought.
“Yes,” he said. “I will run all the required checks. However, the error is comprehensive.”
“Which means?”
“I’ll need to be placed in Safe Mode before I can assess the damage, and fix any potential bugs,” Math said. “That is my recommendation. It remains your call.”
Inhaling a dank, dusty breath, I wondered if these ‘security’ androids were more trouble than they were worth. Seemed to be a fragile bunch of technology.
“What about Help Desk,” I said. “Does that mean anything to you? Have I got the name right? Slate mentioned there was a Help Desk or something that I could consult.”
“Yes,” Math said. “You can call them. They could send someone to help you, presuming you’ve yet to establish your baseball franchise. They could send someone to see you through the entire process. It’s recommended.”
“So I’ve heard.”
“If you’re going to do that, however, you’ll need to do that through me, and it cannot be done once I’m in Safe Mode,” Math said. “Do you wish to proceed? Once I’m placed into Safe Mode, neither I nor the other models will be mobile until all diagnostic checks are performed, and the necessary repairs are made.”
“Oh,” I said. My head started spinning, trying to work out for myself the best path forward. I supposed getting the checks, and the fixes done sooner than later would make the most sense. I didn’t like the idea of running around with a malfunctioning android in a world I was still only at the very beginning of understanding.
Then my thoughts turned to the group waiting for us outside the tomb. There’s no way they’re still out there waiting for me, is what I’d thought at the time. I’m not sure I would’ve waited for me.
“Do you wish to call Help Desk now?” Math asked. “Or, would you like me to enter Safe Mode?”
“I think I’d better get some help,” I said. “I’ll call Help Desk now, and we can do Safe Mode after.”
“Very well.”
Math slumped backward, and his eyes rolled upward until I could only see the bottom half of his irises. It was freaky to look at, and I didn’t like it at all. His jaw fell open like a person who’d been possessed. Then I heard the chime of a phone ringing coming from inside his mouth. So weird.
After two chimes, a female voice blared loudly inside the cavern, and it slightly cut off the first word she said.
“Hank you for calling… (a different female voice entered here) System… (then back to the original voice) your call is being recorded for quality assurance purposes. Please stay on the line, someone will be along to assist you shortly. We value your time, and attention. Thank you. Please stand by.”
After a loud click, there were more ring chimes. On the third ring, a male voice answered, he was so faint, I had trouble hearing him. I squinted as he spoke trying to focus, and when he did speak, he talked so quickly, I had trouble picking out individual words.
“HellowelcometoHelpDeskthisisRobospeakinghowmayIassistyou?”
“Uh, hello?”
“YesthisisSystemHelpDeskRobospeakinghowmayIbeofassistancetoday?”
Even weirder, as this person spoke on the other end, Math’s mouth moved as if it was him doing the talking. Strange as it was though, it was also a benefit. In a way it made the man easier to understand because I was doing my best to read Math’s lips as he spoke.
“Rob-oh?” I said, repeating the man’s name back to him as the pronunciation sounded to me.
“YeshowmayIassistyoutodaysir?”
“Hi, Robo, I’m calling from Earth,” I said, and yes I felt immediately silly saying that. “Well, one version of Earth anyway.”
“YeswhatcanIdoforyousir?”
“I’m calling from my android,” I said. “Well, one of my androids. They’re not working very well.”
“I see sir, we can send a technician,” Robo said. “Current wait time is 83 months.”
“Whoa, no, that’s okay, they’re going to handle it themselves,” I said. “The reason I’m calling is I need a helper, and I was told you could help me with that? I was told you could send me someone who can guide me through the whole process down here?”
There was dead silence on the other end, but I could tell the call was still connected.
“Hello?” I said.
“Yes,” the voice said. Then there was this odd clicking coming out of Math’s mouth as though someone on Help Desk’s end dropped the phone receiver or something.
For a bunch of futuristic, System-implementing aliens, the whole operation came off as kind of clunky.
“Are you still there?” I said.
“Yes, I apologize, sir,” Robo said. “You are speaking with the Help Desk.”
Yes, I thought we’d already covered that. My shoulders slumped. Here we go, I thought.
“Yes, I’m aware of that,” I said. “I’m trying to see about getting someone sent down here, a helper? You know? To help?”
“Our current wait time for android technicians is 83 months, sir,” Robo said. “Would you like to start that process now? I can start that paper work for you. Do you have a ticket number, or perhaps a confirmation PIN? Or, is there something else I can help you with?”
I wanted to bang Math’s head against the clay walls. Like, helloooo? Are you even listening to me over there?
“No,” I said, clenching my fist, and doing my best to keep my cool. “I would like to have a helper, a guide, a mentor, a tutor, someone like that sent down. Whatever you call them. You tell me. I was told this was possible, and that I needed to call you.”
Another few moments of no sound.
“Hello?” I said, certain he could hear the frustration in my voice.
“I understand,” Robo said. “Please hold.”
Unbelievable. The world ends, and you’re sitting in a cavern under a forest in a previously unknown archaic world, and you still can’t get away from this stuff.
After a few agonizing minutes of some bizarre Bossa nova cat meow orchestra version of No Doubt’s ‘Don’t Speak’, Robo the wonder-voice returned.
When he came back, there was a loud crack emanating from Math’s face before he spoke. What in the hell were they doing over there?
“Sir? Are you there?” Robo said.
“Yes, I’m here.”
“Very good, sir. Yes, I have processed your request.”
“Okay,” I said, thankful to be getting somewhere. “When can I expect this person to arrive?”
“Just one second,” Robo said.
There was another ten seconds of silence this time.
“Right,” Robo said. “Sir, may I have your file number, please?”
Uh, what?
“My file number?”
“Yes, sir.”
Anxiety bit at my gut just then. I had no idea what he was talking about.
“What file number?” I said. “I don’t have a file number.”
No response. Again, I had to practically shout to get the guy’s attention.
“Hello? I’m still here,” I said.
What was this guy doing, watching Netflix or texting on his phone or something?
“Yes, sir,” Robo said. “So, you do not have a file number, is this correct?”
“Correct,” I said. “Does this matter?”
“One second,” Robo said. “Sir, can you please hold for a minute?”
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
“What? What is going on over there?”
“Thank you, sir.”
He was gone again, and we were back to the upsetting cat orchestra “music”, only this time they were covering Green Day.
Five minutes passed, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought of just hanging up. Though, admittedly, I had no idea what ‘hanging up’ would entail on an android’s face. What do you do? Push his jaw closed? Pull his eye lids down like they do in westerns when someone dies?
Finally, midway through a scintillating take on ‘Basket Case’, the ironically named Help Desk returned.
“Sir?”
“Yes, I’m here,” I said. This time I’m sure I sounded more desperate than angry.
“Sir, we are sending someone,” Robo said. “IsthereanythingelseIcanassistyouwithtodaysir?”
“Wait,” I said. “That’s it? You’re sending me a mentor slash tutor type of person? Someone to help me build and run my team? Do I have this right?”
“Yessirtheywillarriveshortlysiristhereanythingelse?”
“But, what about the file number, and all of that?”
I could hear a whisper of a chuckle. “Don’tworryaboutthatsirhelpisonthewayanythingelsesir?”
I just wanted the call to be over, so I didn’t press it. “No, that’s it,” I said. “That’s all I wanted.”
“OkaysirthankyouforcallingSystemHelpDeskithasbeenapleasuretoserveyousirhaveaniceday.”
“Yeah, thanks for your help.”
Before I could even get those words out, he kept going.
“Feelfreetohangonthelineafterthecalltoenterastarratingaboutthequalityofserviceprovidedtoyoutodaywevalueyourfeedbackthankyouandgoodday.”
Yeah, right. I was not hanging around to fill out any kind of survey. Besides, the last thing I wanted was to be vanquished from somewhere out in outer space because I’d given old Robo the big one star for his abysmal phone skills. Instead, after the line beeped, I waited about ten seconds, and Math’s jaw closed on its own, and his eyes rolled back downward into a normal, less psychotic looking state. He was out of his trance.
“Glad you’re back,” I said to him. “Pro tip for you: Never call Help Desk for anything.”
“Are they sending you help?” Math asked.
“They say they are,” I said. “Said they’d be here soon.”
“Good,” Math said. “Should we proceed to Safe Mode now?”
“Okay,” I said, “but, that’ll mean leaving you and Slate here for now, inside this cave.”
“That’s fine,” Math said. “We’ll be safe here. I’ll perform the necessary checks, and repairs. We will catch up with you at some point.”
“Great.”
Just like that, Math fell to his side, his eyes were closed, and he appeared dead to the world like his compatriot next to me on the ground.
An oddity popped into my vision once Math went to sleep. I had the usual [+] plus symbol at the corner, but suddenly I could see two small bits of text at the bottom right. One was labeled Restricted A, and the other was Restricted B.
Believing these were likely System files I wasn’t supposed to have, of course I immediately wanted to see what was inside.
I clicked open Restricted A first:
Dragon H @ Shoulder, ft (m) W, lbs (t) Body L, ft (m) Body W, ft (m) Neck L, ft (m) Tail L, ft (m) Tooth, in (cm) Hind Leg, ft (m)
Foot W, ft (m)
Wingspan, ft (m)
~ Glide Alt, ft (m)
Top Spd mph (kmh)
Darling 25 (7.5) 44,000 (20) 30 (9) 12 (3.5) 10 (3) 10 (3) 4 (10) 18 (5.5) 4 (1.25) 90 (27) 2000 (610) 25 (40) Priscu 28 (8.5) 55,000 (25) 34 (10.5) 14 (4) 11 (3) 11 (3) 4.5 (11.5) 21 (6.5) 4.5 (1.3) 100 (31) 8000 (2400) 28 (45) Jefferson 35 (10.5) 64,000 (29) 42 (13) 17 (5) 14 (4) 14 (4) 5 (13) 28 (8.5) 6 (1.8) 125 (38) 12,000 (3700) 50 (80) Kagera 40 (12) 71,000 (32) 47 (14) 20 (6) 16 (5) 17 (5) 5.5 (14) 32 (10) 7 (2) 140 (43) 17,000 (5200) 100 (160) Arakawa 50 (15) 85,000 (38.5) 56 (17) 25 (7.5) 19 (6) 20 (6) 7 (18) 40 (12) 8 (2.5) 170 (52) 21,000 (6400) 250 (400) Mwogo 52 (16) 95,000 (43) 58 (18) 26 (8) 19 (6) 19 (6) 7.5 (19) 40 (12) 9 (2.7) 180 (55) 5000 (1525) 35 (56) Breg 75 (23) 132,000 (60) 82 (25) 37 (11) 27 (8) 25 (7.5) 9 (23) 65 (20) 12 (3.7) 250 (76) 24,000 (7300) 200 (320) Tambo 1000 (305) 3,300,000 (1500) 1300 (400) 330 (110) 430 (130) 430 (130) 120 (305) 730 (223) 167 (51) 3900 (1200) 30,000 (9100) 180 (290) Jinsha 5000 (1525) 25,000,000 (11,400) 6500 (2000) 2500 (760) 2100 (640) 2100 (640) 660 (1700) 3500 (1065) 1000 (305) 20,000 (6000) 40,000 (12,200) 80 (130)
So much for sleeping.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted to see what was in Restricted B. But, yeah, I opened it anyway:
[LEAGUES = 20
Promotion/Relegation System
'Single Dragon' Leagues 20-16 (54, 52, 50, 48, 46 clubs, resp.)
'Three Dragon' Leagues 15-11 (44, 42, 40, 38, 36 clubs, resp.)
'Five Dragon' Leagues 10-6 (34, 32, 30, 28, 26 clubs, resp.)
'Eight Dragon' Leagues 5-2 (24, 22, 20, 18 clubs, resp.)
'Ninth Dragon' League 1 (16 clubs)
(bottom of table, League 20 = village fed to Jinsha)]
Duly noted.
Pretty sure I was lacking in oxygen having spent far longer in that cavern than I’d intended, and with my brain swimming in information, I trudged out of the darkness, back into the cold outdoors.
Amazingly, the group I’d come there with were still around. Though they were all either sitting on a nearby log, or leaning against the roots outside the tomb’s entrance. Their faces portrayed genuine interest in my return, well except for maybe Chai’s.
“You’re back!” Aubrey said. She smiled, and I smiled in return.
“We were wondering what was up,” Zane said.
“Gone a while, ain’t ya?” Dillard said. “Where’s your chum?”
“Glad to be out of there,” I said. I made sure to imbibe a long, cool drink of Moonlight’s clean air.
“Everything alright?” Aubrey said. Then she mumbled under her breath to me. “Where’s you-know-who?”
“He’s fine,” I said. “He won’t be coming with us. Back to the village, I mean.”
“Who, Flint?” Zane said. “Why not? He’s staying in there?”
Without any idea how to answer, I smiled, and I’m sure it looked forced and awkward. “I don’t know,” I said. “He said he had something to work on.” I mumbled back to Aubrey, “I’ll tell ya later.”
“Why’d we even come out here in the first place?” Chai said. “What does this have to do with baseball? Like, I was told that’s what this was all about since like the massive friggin earthquake. As if I wanted any part of that, but anyway.”
“Good news on that front,” I said, and I clapped my hands together. “Turns out the System’s sending somebody.”
“Someone else?” Zane said. “How many of us are there going to be?”
“They’re sending help,” I said. “This is great news.”
And, not a moment too soon.