“I’m bored Kerva.” I say in a dejected tone.

“My lord?” He seems confused.

“I mean, look at what we are doing. Isn’t it droll?”

“I am truly sorry, but I can’t seem to understand. We’re currently facing an army two hundred and forty thousand strong. All crying for the death of a heretic my lord.”

How did it come to this, one might ask, or perhaps not. Either way I need to recollect the information in my head.

I believe it was just a few days after we marched out seeking to conquer the country of Tranuja. 

We heard some disturbingly familiar news. A new god was in town, and she was blazing a trail of conquest herself.

Hearing tales of her beauty piqued my interest, so I thought I would pay her a visit. With this in mind, I took my loyal subjects towards the center of these vast plains where she was rumored to reside. 

I believe they called her Kalidra or something to that effect.

Whenever we ran into other tribes, all they would do is hinder our progress, so I started a policy of just cutting them down. 

I’d give them the option to join me instead, and many agreed. Being a god has its perks.

Six decimated tribes and countless leagues later, we stood overlooking her fortress numbering eighty thousand strong.

I made sure to send the prettiest flowers I could find, and a handsome male from our group as a present along with my good wishes.

She sent him back rearranged into a bloody pulp.

‘Ah, so she likes flowers.’ I thought, and decided to send more. For some strange reason it was hard to find volunteers. I guess these guys don’t make good wingmen.

I sent two women with the flowers this time, and got nothing back. Pleased with my choice of presents I retired for that night.

Shockingly, the two women I sent came flying towards our camp as I was outside taking a leak. One even landed right on my tent, instantly deflating it.

However, I did receive a letter this time. 

I opened it with bated breath and it read: To my esteemed brother Tekkeit. I would highly appreciate that you stop your distasteful jokes and honestly meet me in battle. I’ve always hated the foolish pranks you would play, and despise those lecherous eyes you’ve constantly pointed at my friends in the past. Today will mark your last. -Kalidra

‘Dawww, she’s so shy, but what the hell is with this brother talk? She into that sort of play?’ Confused I call out to Kerva.

“Why does Kalidra insist on calling me brother at every turn?”

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“My lord, please don’t mess with me so. I know of the god’s tales inside and out despite my humble origins.”

Then it finally hit me. Apparently their gods actually exist, and I’ve been courting my sister in front of all these people.

I'm sorry for putting a stain on your god's history...

Well, now that I’ve remembered the horrifying past, it’s time to focus on the matter at hand.

I see an immense beauty leading the charge of a horde that is easily three times the size of mine. It seems as if the earth is splitting open, and fire is raining death on my army.

I will lead the way in this matter. -Soren

That’s it! I can just listen to Soren’s counsel. The wise woody owl should be able to shine some light on this desperate situation. ‘So, what’s the plan?’

First, have your men split into two groups and retreat south. -Soren

“Kerva, instruct the men to do as I say.” As I act as a mouthpiece for my stoic wooden buddy.

We’re instantly hidden from view due to the hills, and as soon as this happens Fenrir makes his appearance. 

He doesn’t say anything but frantically begins digging all around. 

As he does that Soren glides behind him while shedding it’s gigantic wood feathers.

“What are you two doing?” I ask them, but it’s Kerva that replies.

“My lord? We only did as instructed.” He can’t see them? What’s going on here…

Before I have time to question my sanity, Kalidra’s army comes into view as they crest the hills. Charging with bloodthirsty woops and swinging their swords to and fro.

Suddenly the ground bursts inward as their charge brings them towards us. Thousands upon thousands die impaled on Soren’s feathers as my people just watch in shock.

They begin prostrating themselves before me, and I gotta admit that it feels good.

I see Kalidra getting up after getting thrown off her horse and she glares at me with her vibrant crimson eyes. 

I shiver goes down my spine as I flash her my most inspiring smile.

The beautiful pale skin on her face distorts as obvious rage can be seen written all over it. 

Her abyssal black hair splaying out behind her as she charges towards me. ‘Why was she on a horse if she’s faster on foot?’

I finish my thought as she’s just about to reach me. My smile widens as I thrust my arms outward to accept the obvious hug that’s coming my way.

To my great dismay, and discomfort. She steals my heart. Quite literally.