Cotton candy. Thats how my head felt in my current predicament. My mind was light and fluffy like a cloud. But at the same time, streaks of ragged pain ripped through my cranium like lightning bolts. I’m no doctor, but even I knew I had some sort of concussion going on. I rubbed the back of my head where that bastard ass overzealous role-player had hit me twice. I was going to kick the shit out of that dude something fierce. My father had always taught me to be a man who lives by the golden rule. Don’t start none, won’t be none. First though, I had to figure out exactly where I was.
All around me was this thick gray fog to the point where I could barely see ten feet in front of me. It was very unnerving as I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead, I just knew that there were zombies hiding in that shit. I kept low to the stone ground, still only in my underwear, and crept forward. My ears on complete focus-mode, ready for even the hint of sound. It wasn’t long until I heard faint talking from where I had just come. As silent as a cat stalking it’s prey, I followed the voices which led back the way I had come from. Zombies didn’t talk, so I’m pretty sure I was safe. When I was close to where I had found myself in this strange place, I heard the voices clearly.
“Where could he be, sister?” One voice questioned fearfully. “He should have been here! At this very spot!”
“I don’t know!” The other voice was frantic. “We came as fast as we could!”
“He can’t be far, dear sister. We must search and find him before its too late!”
“Looking for me?” I asked as I walked out before them. It always paid to make a memorable, dramatic entrance. Especially when there were women involved. Gotta make that good first impression so you stay in their mind. Thats how you get their number.
“Ah!” cried out the first sister as she jumped back fearfully.
“Ah!” exclaimed the second sister as she took a quick step backwards.
“Ah!” I mimicked the two in an exaggerated fashion. Though, clearly in a mocking fashion.
“Ahem.” The first woman cleared her throat as she regained her composure, but failed to completely do so as she stared at me. “W-why have you no clothes, hero?” She asked in an discouraged voice. I placed my fists upon my hips and stood proudly in my almost white briefs. They were only slightly stained from the cereal earlier, I swear.
“I never get dressed on a Sunday. If God can rest on the seventh day, then so can I!” Both of the women looked at one another questioningly. If I had to guess their ages, they both looked to be in their early twenties. The one on the left wore a white toga, golden sandals, a large assortment of jewelry from bracelets and rings to earrings and a tiara which she wore atop her head of long golden hair. The other wore the same, except her toga was black. Her sandals, tiara, and jewelry however, were all silver. Most striking though, was her hair was short, white and looked like she hadn’t combed it in weeks. Both were extremely good looking, though I felt bad for the one with white hair. I had a friend whose hair went gray in his late twenties and he was always miserable about it. I could only imagine how a girl would stress about her hair turning white.
Still, she had that tomboy look going on, and that was always a plus in my book.
“Who is…” The girl with white hair tapered off as she shook her head. “It matters not. I am Sahrai, Goddess of Darkness.” She bowed her head lightly to me.
“And I am Fes, Goddess of Light.” The golden-haired girl curtsied.
“Sup, I’m Harold, nice to meet you two.” I waved. My brain must have locked in the old king’s story about demons and goddesses. Thats why these two were in my dream, as dreams are a reflection of reality.
“You seem rather…relaxed for being in the presence of two Goddesses.” Sahrai spoke in slight surprise. I shrugged,
“Well, for one, this is obviously a dream. Secondly, there is no such thing as Gods or Goddesses. Though you both look great, totally dig the roman look you’ve got going on.” The two looked at one other in obvious confusion. “So since you two are figments of my subconscious, theres no point in asking how, what, when, where, or why. So if you would kindly please keep your voices down, my head feels like its splitting open. I’m pretty sure I have a concussion and I’d rather not stay at this loony Faire for longer than I have. So as soon as we’re done here, I’m out.”
“Ah yes, allow me.” Fes smiled and grabbed my head. With a look of concentration, her hands began to glow a golden color.
Since this was only a dream, I kept my eyes on the prize as two majestic globes stood directly before me as Fes was leaning forward while grasping my head. In a moment, the pain in my cranium faded and I felt a lot better. Such is the power of staring at a woman’s chest. Breasts cure all wounds. Its a scientific fact.
“Thanks Fes.” I smiled and gave a thumbs-up to the golden beauty who returned my smile.
“It is no trouble Hero. My sister and I shall do what we can to aid you in your quest.”
“Please, the both of you can call me Harold.”
“As you wish, Harold.” The two women spoke in unison.
“Alright, well before you two give me your life stories, lemme see if I can guess some things about you two.” They both smirked, clearly amused at my suggestion. “First off, Fes. So can I safely assume that by simply being the Goddess of Light, people hold you as a champion of the just and do stuff in your name simply because they see it as the right thing to do?” She nodded. So far so cliche.
“On the other hand, as the Goddess of Darkness, Sahrai should be considered evil incarnate and the people hate her because she is the source of all things wrong in the world, or so they say.” My words seemed to make her depressed but she didn’t deny them. “Eh, don’t be so glum Sahrai.” It was time to lay on some charm. “Out of the two of you, you’re the best looking.” I winked. Other than a faint reddening of her cheeks, she showed no reaction. What a shame. Wait, since these two were merely parts of my subconscious, could it be considered masturbation if I flirted with them? Am I a hedonist and I’ve only now realized?
Fes looked a little uncomfortable, “You seem to be rather well informed for someone who was just summoned to another world.”
“Well I’ve played a game or two of D&D so I’m not a total stra-wait what?”
“You…do remember being summoned correct?”
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“Well, it all started with this bright flash of light…” Suddenly the asshole that punched me made a lot more sense. In America people would be too afraid to do such a thing at a public event out of fear of being sued. I sighed, “I just thought my friends broke into my house, drugged my milk, and brought me to a Renaissance Faire as a big joke while I was tripping out. I mean, magic doesn’t exist. I know, I’ve tried for years.” Both of the Goddesses smirked and summoned up a myriad of orbs that floated around. Orbs of flame, darkness, frost, electricity, light, etcetera.
“Even if magic is real, this is a dream. Even I can do that. Watch.”
A few moments of me attempting to summon any sort of magical power ended in failure. I would have gone on for longer but was stopped by Sahrai.
“We haven’t much time. You shall awaken soon. And yes, while this is a dream, we are very much real.”
“Alright, so whats the scoop?” Once more they looked at me in confusion. I sighed, “Whats so urgent that you need to tell me?”
“It has to do with your magical talent.” Fes explained. “When a Hero is summoned from another world, I am the one who Blesses them with power beyond that of a normal mortal. But this time-”
“But this time we both gave you our blessings.” Sahrai interrupted and spoke quickly. “With my blessing you will be able to use Dark magic. Dark magic is…” she kept speaking and gesturing but her voice began to fade and sound like my ears were underwater before all sound ended completely. I felt myself being pulled from the company of the two beauties. They both gestured frantically towards me, but all I could do was wave as they faded in a flash of light.
“Wakey wakey princess.” A raspy voice spoke loud in my ears as I felt a fist collide into my stomach.
I gasped for air and tried to grasp my chest, only to find my arms locked firmly above my head. I looked up in-between pained gasps for air. I was currently chained to a cold stone wall, medieval style.
“Asshole.” I spat out, “I was having a good dream!”
My eyes darted around the room, taking in my surroundings. No doubt about it, this was your typical castle dungeon complete with terrible lighting from a single lantern hanging from the ceiling for maximum light coverage while still getting that age-old horror film look. Iron chains ending in shackles were attached to the walls. Other than myself, three others were chained to the wall. Must have been a slow day in the justice department. Other than curious glances, they made no motion to speak. Torture devices were placed haphazardly around the room. An open iron maiden was in the corner. The rusty spikes clearly visible even from where I was. One of them stretchy tables they tie you up to and make you taller by force was directly in the center. A few racks lined the walls alongside containers filled with sharp metal objects. Honestly, I wasn’t impressed. The only person in the room who walked about freely was this ugly man in raggedy brown clothing whose teeth made me think of a rat.
“So sorry princess, I’ll be sure to send you right back to dream land!” He bowed mockingly, “After I’ve had a bit of fun that is.” He turned his back on me and rummaged around upon the table in the center of the room. Utensils both sharp and blunt lined the surface of said table, and many look recently used. Out of reflex, I looked down to my sides and breathed a sigh of relief. They hadn’t taken my kidneys. But they had taken my underwear, and I didn’t like the feeling of free-balling in a dungeon.
The torturer held a knife up towards the lantern hanging from the ceiling and squinted at it before shaking his head and putting it back down on the table.
“Blade too sharp…” He grumbled and ran his hands over his toolkit. I had to escape from this hellhole somehow. I pulled at the chains holding me, but they held strong.
“No such thing, rat-face!” One of my comrads in chains mocked. Glad to see I wasn’t the only one who thought the torturer looked rather ratty.
“Silence! I am an artist!” The torturer grinned wildly at me as I pulled at my chains. “Don’t even think about escaping. Those chains are hard, cold steel. You need to be a demon yourself to break through them!” The man spoke as he tapped a hammer in his hand before setting it back down on the table and grasping something that looked like a fork. “If you’re lucky you’ll be out of those chains soon enough! Hehe…unfortunately for you, I’m good at my job.” He chuckled and coughed. “Now where did I put that…” the torturer murmured as he looked beneath the table for something.
I tried to calm my mind, but the thought of being torn apart by dull knives isn’t something I find particularly calming. I ran my mind thinking of something when it hit me. “Magic!” I whispered. If what Sahrai said was true, I could use magic. But then, it was just a dream, so I doubted the validity of such a thing. I’m a man of science after all. I mean, at one point in my life I believed in magic. But after spending nearly thirteen of my twenty two years trying to Kamehameha I gave up.
“Darkbolt.” I whispered, thinking of the dark orb Sahrai summoned. Nothing.
“Blackbolt.” Again, nothing. I was extremely nervous, the freak had retrieved what he wanted from under the table of torture and was walking towards me. A wooden spoon in his hands.
“Sahrai, Fes, if I get out of here, and you two are actually real, I’m taking you both to a nice dinner some place fancy after all this. Shit, I’ll make you dinner myself.” I promised.
“Decay…” A very faint voice whispered within my mind and I saw the image of metal rusting. Either I was going crazy, and this whole day has been nothing but crazy, or a certain two dream Goddesses were speaking to me.
“Decay.” I whispered and I felt a tingling surge through my hands. I looked up at my chains to see them corrode at their connections to the wall. Perfect.
“Are you ready for pain, princess?” The man snorted and chuckled as he approached me.
“Eat shit.” I responded, hocked up a loogie, and spat in his face. The dungeon roared with laughter as the man wiped frantically at his face. In a rage, the man growled and raised the wooden spoon. But at the same time I ripped my arms forward and tore the rusted chains from the wall. Surprise overtook the man before my right fist overtook his face. Cheers rang out in the dungeon as I felt his nose break beneath my right hook, and he collapsed in a heap, coughing.
Ragged cheering filled the dungeon as my fellow convicts urged me on.
The torturer weakly crawled along the floor. I looked at my fist in surprise, I had never laid someone flat in just a single punch before. I hadn’t even been to the gym in months! As the torturer struggled to his feet, I ran behind him and put him in a sleeper hold. His struggles slowly ceased until he was forced into a peaceful slumber.
I needed clothes, so I stripped the man of his and put them on. Except for his underwear of course. You couldn’t pay me enough to wear another man’s worn underwear. The clothes were a bit baggy, but the less they touched my skin the better. I didn’t want to think about the stains. Next, I locked the man up in a set of iron chains linked to the stone wall that wasn’t occupied. Unsure of when the man would wake up, I then grabbed some rope from the torture table, took off his underwear, ran the rope through a pair of holes, balled it up and gagged his mouth with his own underwear. I then secured the gag by tying the rope at the back of his head. I then check to see if he had a hard time breathing, but he seemed fine even with the broken nose.
Now it was time to make my escape.
“Hey, what about us?” One of my fellow prisoners asked. On one hand, I wanted to get out of here and talk to my lawyer asap. But on the other, theres strength in numbers.