It was an ordinary Sunday morning. Well, at least, it would have been were it not for me waking up at five in the morning on a weekend. An over-active mind is my curse. As soon as I wake up my mind starts running at a full sprint and I just can’t go back to sleep. Sadly, it looked like I had to start my day early. Since it was Sunday, it was my day to not put on any clothes and just laze about the apartment. Just as God intended the day when he invented it. I walked downstairs in my modest abode and admired myself in the magnetic mirror attached to my refrigerator. My shoulder length black hair was screaming at me for a haircut.
“Not on a Sunday.” I spoke as I stared into the reflection of my own vacant green eyes. I prepared a breakfast of Cheerios after finding a bowl within the cluttered cabinets. As I sat at my kitchen table and began to devour my bowl of cholesterol killing circles, my day was once more rudely interrupted. This time, by a massive explosion of light all around me.
I screamed. I cried out in horror. But with a mouth full of cereal and a sleep deprived mind, all I could manage was a “Gnragraaaaaaaaaaghsh!” followed by choking and spitting. As food and milk spewed from my mouth, I flailed around like the time my brother once tried acid while our parents were on vacation. I still regretted deleting the video. But when you’re held down and feel your arm about to reach the breaking point, you tend to make some healthy decisions in life.
The light existed for only what seemed to be a few seconds. But even after it had subsided my vision was still obscured by those splotches of light you see after staring at something bright for too long. I rubbed my eyes vigorously and took hold of my surroundings. There I was, sitting in the middle of a massive stone room. Rich red carpeting covered the majority of the floor. White curtains hung neatly beside paned glass windows that adorned the walls. Firmly planted beneath my buttocks was my chair and my bowl of cereal was planted atop my underwear-covered crotch. Standing at the sides of the room were people. Staring. Whispering. I placed my head in my hands and began to groan.
“Everyone says these dreams stop after you get out of school. They never stop…”
A loud cough sounded above the murmuring in the ocean of people which drew my attention from my misery. I looked up from my seat and saw three people who sat in chairs of their own. Fancy lacquered wooden chairs with golden accents. I felt under-seated upon my poor wooden chair now. A man in armor clanked towards one of the windows and pulled down a curtain before he approached me. I set the bowl that sat upon my crotch down on the ground and stood. He then helped me cover myself.
“Thanks dude.” The man nodded and returned to his original position in front of the rightmost crowd. Now that I donned something that resembled a toga, the murmurs died down.
“Welcome, O Hero, to our kingdom!” The elderly-looking man who coughed earlier greeted. His well tailored red and golden robes shifted with his movements as he stood from his throne and spoke with great grandiosity. A crown adorned his head full of long silvery-gray hair with slightly faded blue eyes that regarded me respectfully. “I am King Lebbik Halwyn the Third! Ruler of the Halwyn Kingdom! Behind me is my wife, Queen Lisette Halwyn and our daughter, Kaithlyn Halwyn.” Unlike the king, the two women had long golden hair and striking blue eyes. The Queen was more appealing to the eyes however, as she was quite the buxom babe. The daughter, well, lacked.
As I analyzed my situation, I found it all to be fairly obvious. Somehow I had been transported to a Renaissance Faire. If I had to guess, one of my friends had snuck into my apartment while I slept and drugged my milk with some form of quick-acting acid to disable me. Then they would have stuffed me into their car and driven me to the Faire. Once there, they would have had everything set up perfectly, cereal bowl, chair and all. I’m sure my friends were hiding among the crowd, probably laughing their asses off. Well, I was here, I’d have to do my best to play along or else these people would get really upset at me.
You never wanted to upset people who liked to role play, I learned that lesson far too late in drama club.
“King Lebbik!” I cried out from where I stood and knelt, “Forsooth thou hast called upon mine rightful heritage! For I am Harold Lisbe! Gentleman, scholar, and refined man of standing! What need have of me m’lord?” I swear I’ve only played a few games of D&D in my life and those nights were going to help me greatly here. I just hoped I could get some real clothes soon. Not that I minded being wrapped in velvet, but the two seated women on their thrones were staring.
The King a little unsure as he looked off to the side. Directly at a man who wore pure white robes. The man nodded and the King returned his attention to me. “We have summoned you, mighty Hero, in preparation of the coming darkness!” He exclaimed in a booming voice. “The signs have been clear. A demon Lord is rising once more, as had once happened before, in ages long past. Stories tell of nearly all life being put to the sword by this heinous devil. Only through the grace of the Goddess of Light did any survive the apocalypse.”
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“Oh King Lebbik, thou hast summoned me in dire need it seems! I shall deign to help you, no matter the trial! But I have no arms, no armor! Can one such as I dare hope to stand against such horrid beasts so ill-equipped?” I had no plans on sticking around the Faire for too long. But if I could get some free stuff to pawn later, that’d be great. I’d definitely need some money if I wanted to get home after all.
“We shall equip you with the finest equipment our smiths can forge!” The King boasted with joy, “Ask, and we shall provide! And should you prove successful in driving back this coming threat…” The King paused and looked to the Queen who nodded, “Our daughter’s hand in marriage will be yours to claim.”
Gasps filled the room. These people were good actors, it was really like none of them expected such a cliche turn of events! If this is what the Renaissance Faire was always like, I may have to come more often. I loved cliches.
“Truly, you honor me so my Liege! All the treasure in the world pales in comparison to the beauty that is your daughter!” I looked at the girl in question and gave my best smile. Her face reddened with embarrassment, she must have been new to this whole acting thing. Or perhaps she was really good at pretending to be embarrassed? Either way, the King and Queen swelled with pride.
Yet again, another loud cough interrupted the events as the man in white robes presented himself before the King. I noticed that his robes weren’t just white, they also had golden trimmings along the sleeves. They fitted the man well, he must have spent months working on that outfit. His head was completely void of any hair at all, though I guess that was only natural. He looked to be up there in years. He fit the stereotypical priest role really well. Perhaps he was a real priest when he wasn’t role-playing at this place. Wait, was it really role-playing if you were what you were pretending to be?
“This is all well and good your Majesty, but first we must ascertain the Hero’s purity.” He spoke in a snidely manner. Wow, now that was good voice acting, I was impressed! I actually wanted to punch the man in the face merely at the sound of his voice! He totally gave off the aura that screamed ‘I’m evil, I’m scheming. Nyahahaha!’ I mean, he laid it on a bit heavily, but still. Bravo.
“Very well, do as you must.” The King readily agreed and sat back upon his throne. The priest approached me and withdrew a small glass orb from within his robes. Where he got it, I don’t know, but I could assume he had some sort of hidden pocket in there.
“Hold the orb, Hero.” The man sneered, “Let all who stand here witness the purity of your soul.”
Its a good thing this was all pretend, otherwise I would be royally fucked. With a shrug, I grabbed hold the orb. At first it was cool to the touch, but in an instant the orb filled with a black smoke-like substance.
“Whoa cool, how do you make it do stuff like that?” I broke character and whispered to the priest as I moved the orb about and looked for some sort of mechanism. Sadly, I found nothing. Even worse, the man playing the priest stood wordlessly and fearfully before me. The least he could do is remember his lines to say for this moment. Or at least tell me how to work this damn thing. He slowly backed away as he stammered in fear. Gasps and cries filled the room as people pointed and stared at me.
“Dark Magic! The Hero is in league with the Demons!” The priest gasped and ran away.
“Guards! Seize the false Hero and throw him in the dungeon!” The King roared from as throne as he stood pointing at me. Armor clanked as two men approached me from the sides. Thinking quickly, I threw the orb into the air. It looked quite fragile and valuable, something you wouldn’t want shattering into a million pieces upon the stone floor. It would serve as a great distraction as I made my escape. Besides, the hardest, and best part about role-playing was always ad-libbing. If I just followed the script and got captured, it would be a boring sequence of events.
No, it was time to make a daring escape.
The two men that had approached me looked up at the orb sailing through the air with worried looks upon their faces. While they were distracted, I bolted for the door, my red toga unfurling from my body. I felt as free as a streaker, only to be tackled not five feet from where I began by a guard in leather armor. The man attempted to grapple me into submission. Unfortunately for him, my friends participated in wrestling in High School and would practice their grapples and holds on me. But they also taught me how to break out and reverse the hold.
One moment, the man had me pinned. The next I held him in an arm lock as he cried out in pain.
“Dude, stop being a wuss.” I whispered in his ear. “My friends did far worse to me back when I was younger.” Before I could get up and resume my escape however, I found myself being pulled back from atop the man. Cold metal shackles snapped tight around my wrists and I was dragged towards the very doors I was escaping to. In a last ditch effort to make a lasting memory I cried out.
“Kaithlyn my love, avenge me!”
Sadly, there was no avenging. She just stared at me with a shocked expression. Like any good actor, I proceeded to give my captors a hard time. Which earned me a rather painful punch to the back of my head.
“What the fuck man?” I cried out angrily, “You can’t just fucking hit people like that! That’s bullshit, when I get outta these cuffs I’m going to clock you so fucking-” Sadly, I couldn’t go on as I was punched once again and lost consciousness.