The two men stood on the sidewalk just outside the front door surveying the scene, smoking and drinking coffee. They were standing in a grassy clearing surrounded by a thick forest. The sun was just starting to rise above the tops of the trees, revealing a bright blue sky.
“Looks like they just moved the store someplace else while we was sleeping.” Dan said as he took another sip of his coffee.
“Really? You think they moved the store, sidewalk and all? I can still see the dumpster. You think they moved that too?” Nate said.
“I don’t know, they got some fancy moving equipment these days. I had a trailer moved once, took ‘em just minutes to hook everything up and take it down the road. I probably coulda napped in my recliner and never knew it had moved til I woke up. Maybe it was something like that. Don’t know why anyone would wanna move the dumpster though.” Dan said as he took another sip of his coffee.
“The dumpster’s still here! That means my truck might still be here! I was parked parallel to the back door, I’m gonna go check. Maybe we can get out of here!” Nate said excitedly, pulling his keys out of his pocket and heading out the door.
After Nate had disappeared around the building, Dan was standing outside on the front walk when a small dark, bearded man that came up, just past his knees approached him. “I heard there was a new wizard in the area,” he said.
“Are you one of those little people? What do they call them, midgets, right? You’re a midget, right?” Dan said looking down at the funny looking man. “Hey Nate, come out here, you gotta see this!” he called with excitement.
“You act like you’ve never seen a gnome before,” the man said.
“You got a phone, awesome, I wanna get a picture of us. Hey, I got an idea, I got a really tall friend, why don’t I get a picture of you, sitting on his lap? Wouldn’t that be hilarious? I wanna post it on Facebook,” Dan said excitedly as stubbed out the butt of his cigarette. “Wait here, I’ll go get him.”
“I don’t have time for this, why do all you dwarves have to always be so rude.” The gnome said before turning around and walking back to the forest.
“Nate! Nate! You ain’t gonna believe this, I met a munchkin.” Dan said as he rounded the back corner where his friend was standing staring at the passenger side of his truck.
“You saw someone? Please tell me you asked him where we are or what’s going on?” Nate turned to look at Dan.
“You don’t get it! He was only three or so feet tall! He only came up to here on me,” Dan said gesturing to a spot just above his knees. “He was a munchkin dude, kinda rude though, called me a dwarf.”
“So you’re telling me we’re in Oz and you met a munchkin? So we got caught up in a tornado that was so gentle we didn’t even realize it and it set us down here? Did you check to see if we landed on a witch as well?”
“Of course not. Hey you’re truck’s still here, we can drive somewhere and find out what’s happened.”
“Sure Dan, why don’t you just get in and I’ll drive you somewhere.” Nate said as he pulled out his cigarettes, “I’m gonna have a smoke first though.”
Dan opened the passenger side door to see the driver’s side was missing. “What’d did you do with the other half of your truck?” Dan said sitting in the seat. He popped open the glove box to reveal a few papers and a CD.
“Gonna need better tunes than this, I’m not much for Rod Stewart, that was more my ex’s thing.”
Dan climbed out on what would have been the driver’s side and looked at the missing half of the truck. “Damn, looks like someone took a laser and started in the center of the front bumper and just went straight back to the back bumper. Ain’t never seen cuts this precise. Maybe we’re on one of those Trick n Truck shows and they’re gonna hook you up.”
“Whatever,” Nate said, walking back towards the front. “I’m gonna grab my phone and see if I have any signal.”
“I tell ya man, we’re on a reality show, don’t know which one though.” Dan said following behind Nate.
“Who’d want to make a reality show about two guys in a run down convenience store?” Nate said, turning to look at Dan.
"My boy showed me one once, it was about two guys, I think it starred a big guy named Fat Tony or something with a J and the tall,hippie looking one was Skinny Bob, I remember that much."
“You mean, Clerks with Jay and Silent Bob? That wasn’t a reality show. ” Nate said as walked over to the coffee stand and refilled his cup.
“Yeah it was, just two dudes hanging out in a store. If that’s what they’re doing, you gotta be Fat Tony, you talk too much to be that quiet skinny guy.” Dan said as he poured himself another cup.
“That movie was about as realistic as the Twilight Zone,” Nate said as he took a sip.
“The Twilight Zone, isn’t that the show where everyone’s already dead but they don’t know it? You don’t think we died and this is our afterlife? LIke maybe I didn’t actually make it out of that lake or something?” Dan said as he stirred the sweetener into his coffee.
“That’s about as plausible as thinking we’re characters in some poorly written fantasy book and the author is just messing with us.” Nate said, walking back to his seat at the counter.
“Now you’re really being ridiculous. Who’d wanna read a book about us? I know I wouldn’t. Ain’t no one wanna read about a middle aged trucker who smokes too much, cusses all the time and is either drinking coffee or beer. I’m way too boring to be in a book. You know what’s a good book? Letters to the Penthouse Forum. You ever read that? Now there’s some stories people wanna read, I tell you what,” Dan said as he started walking towards the door.. “I’m gonna go outside and see if I can spot the cameras in those fake trees, wanna come?”
“No, I’m gonna see if I can get a cell signal or the radio working. Maybe if we can get the news, we can figure out where we are.” Nate said walking over to the counter. “If you see anyone else outside, please ask them where we are or what’s going on or better yet, bring them in here so I can talk to them.”
“Don’t get your panties in a bunch, I’m sure sooner or later we’ll meet the producers. They’re gonna have to have us sign something, right? I was on a radio show once, we were on a craft beer tour thing, I was a little drunk so they had to bleep out a lot of what I said. But they still had me sign a release. So I bet someone’s gonna be out with one of them soon enough. Can’t put us on television without our John Franklins” Dan said as he headed out the front door carrying his coffee.
Nate climbed on top of the counter and held his phone up as high as he could reach, not getting any bars on his phone he tried walking around different areas of the store. No matter where he stood, there were no bars. Giving up on the phone for the moment, he turned towards the radio and again unscrewed the back. He was able to get lights to turn on the night before, maybe if he was lucky, he’d be able to pick up a local station. After cleaning the contacts on the battery, he rubbed a penny onto the battery and the radio came to life. Unfortunately the only sound he could pick up was static, no matter which way he turned the dial. As he turned the dials, he didn’t notice the lights that were starting to form near him.
While Nate was busy inside Dan was walking around the clearing. He put his two thumbs together and spread his fingers trying to figure out the camera shot. Just as his two thumbs touched a spark flew out. “Damn, did you get that on video?” He called out to the trees. Only silence responded. “Look I’m gonna try to do that again," he said.
This time as his thumbs touched a small flame shot forth catching a small patch of grass on fire before burning itself out.
“Holy shit, I know what this is. Nate, Nate!” Dan called running inside. "I know what happened, I figured it out!”
Nate sat transfixed looking at the circle of flickering lights that danced around in front of him, “Tell me you’re seeing this,” he said just above a whisper without looking at Dan.
“I got something cooler.” Dan said, immediately touching his thumbs together and sending a small flame out at the desk, catching a small scrap of paper on fire. “What do you think of that?”
“Stop playing around, this is serious,” Nate said, finally looking up at Dan. The orbs winked out.
“I figured out what happened. Watch this,” Dan said, once again putting his thumbs together and sending a small flame out. “Cool isn’t it?”
“How? What?” Nate said, not sure what to say to Dan.
“I know what happened, I figured it out.” Dan said excitedly. “Aliens. It’s like that episode of Star Track.”
“What are you talking about? This is nothing like Star Trek.” Nate sat staring at him.
“Yes it is, like that episode where they got lasered to this other planet and the captain guy had to take his shirt off and fight some weird alien thing. It’s just like that.”
“You mean beamed, not lasered, “ Nate corrected him.
“Whatever man, I’m telling ya, it’s just like that. We got beamed up and we’re on an alien planet.” Dan said excitedly.
“That actually sounds about as plausible as the reality show theory. Why would they want us?” Nate asked.
“Who cares, I can shoot fire from my fingers. Wanna come watch me burn stuff?” Dan said excitedly.
“Just don’t burn the store down.” Nate said.
“I won’t, you can trust me, I’m a professional.” Dan said as he headed back out the door.
Just as Nate stepped outside, he heard a loud boom coming from the side of the building where the dumpster was parked, a large flame erupted, just as Dan came running back, faster than Nate thought he could run. “Holy shit.” Dan said catching his breath, “ Did you see that fireball?”
“Please tell me you didn’t set the store on fire,” Nate said, walking past Dan and heading to the dumpster.
There were scorch marks on the building but nothing was on fire.
“Told ya, I was a professional,” Dan said. “Did you see me running? I was nothing but ass and elbows, don’t think I ever run that fast in my life, especially with these old boots on.”
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
“I’m going back inside the store.” Nate said.
“Wait, I wanna see if I can do something, pull my finger.” He held his right finger out to Nate.
“And that is my cue to exit.” Nate said, ignoring him and going back inside the store.
“Guess I’ll just have to pull my own finger then,” Dan said as he pulled his finger with his left hand. Immediately a small white cloud formed behind him. “God damn, that was noxious.” Dan said as he followed Nate back inside. They were standing in the doorway, looking out the window as the cloud just hung still in the air. “Wow, did you see that!?” Dan said excitedly.
“Did you know that was gonna happen?”
“No, just thought I’d have some fun with you.”
“That was loads of fun. Remind me to have you pull my finger when I need to rip one.”
“Why do you think it’s just hanging in the air like that?” Dan asked as he lit a cigarette.
Nate looked at him, “You got an answer for everything else and this is the one thing you don’t know?”
Dan and Nate were still watching the vapor cloud as it hung in the air when the three tall people from earlier returned to the store. They ignored the gas and walked right through it, making it dissipate into several smaller clouds.
“Let me get the door for you, beautiful,” Dan said as he pulled the door open for Tisha. Looking over her long hair, now in braids and forest green robes, eyes lingering on her butt. Noticing she was carrying what looked like a cane pole, he said,. “You people sure do get dressed up to go fishing.”
Tisha ignored him and walked straight towards the beer cooler, followed by Elred. “You keep looking at my sister’s ass and I’ll run this sword right through you, I don’t care if you’re a wizard,” he said as he pulled out a long sword and pointed it at Dan.
“Hey, hey, no need for all that. I just think she’s nice to look at. Don’t worry, I won’t touch. She’s too young for me. I got a son older than her,” Dan said, his hands in the air to show he had no reason to fight.
“We’ve come to battle the monsters that await in the dungeon,” Rydel said as he entered the store.
Dan didn’t notice the gnome trailing behind the trio and shut the door just as the gnome got close, causing him to walk into the glass.
“Hey it’s that little guy again. Sorry dude,” Dan said as he opened the door back up. “How do you fish with a tiny pole like that?” he asked looking over the gnome’s long robes and the gnome sized staff that he carried.
“Hey, do any of you guys know what’s going on around here? “ Nate called after the group following them to the beer cooler..
“You guys should have been here earlier, I set the dumpster on fire and something exploded! The fireball shot s straight up to the sky, thought I was a goner for sure. You shoulda seen me running, nothing but ass and elbows. Tell ‘em Nate, you saw it,” Dan said gesturing with his hands to demonstrate how large the fireball was.
“Not now, Dan. Please can one of you tell me where we are or what’s going on?” Nate pleaded to the group.
“Oh, you want to know what we are,” Tisha said.
“Yes, that’s it, what are you?” Nate asked, excited to hear the answer.
“I’m a druid of course. I thought you were a forest elf too but maybe I was wrong, are you a valley elf?”
“Am I a what?” Nate asked, as he lit a cigarette.
“I am a Champion fighter.” Elred said, “I win all my battles.”
“This is only your second time dungeon delving, you can’t say you win all your battles.” Rydel said.
“If one battle is all I’ve had, wouldn’t saying I have won all my battles be correct?”
“Boy’s got a point.” Dan said, lighting a cigarette.
“I’m a ranger.” Rydel said, turning to show a bow and arrow strapped across his back. “And of course you’ve met our wizard Nimzik,” he gestured to the gnome who stood next to him. “I trust you will find us well prepared, so please open your dungeon to us.”'
The group stood in front of the entrance to the beer cooler. “We’re ready when you are dungeon keeper.”
“There’s nothing in there, it’s an empty cooler. Here, I’ll show you,” Nate said. The red light immediately turned green when Nate touched the handle. He opened the door, “See for yourselves.”
“The day is ours, we ate our breakfast of winners, dungeon!” Elrod said as he stepped into the room followed by Tisha and then Rydel and Nimzik. Nate looked past them but couldn’t see very much. As soon as Nimzik entered, the door was wretched out of his hands and shut behind him. The light above the cooler turned yellow.
Nate tried to open the door again, this time it wouldn’t budge. “Dan, come help me, the door’s locked and they are inside.”
“Naw, it’s all part of the show. I’ve seen this before. There’s a back exit, they just wanted to film us interacting with those guys.”
“I really hope you’re right, otherwise, I might have a mental breakdown.” Nate said heading back to the front of the store where he’d left his coffee. “I need to sit down, I don’t do well with surprises.”
“Be right there, gotta see a man about a horse,” Dan said as he headed towards the restroom.
A short, stocky man with a dark brown beard carrying a clipboard walked into the store. “Are you my NPC?” he asked as soon as he entered. “Supposed to be an NPC here.”
“Yeah that would be me, Nathan Patrick Carya,” Nate said as he came around from the counter and put his hand out to shake. “Your set is really impressive, you really had me going.”
The man ignored the outstretched hand, instead he reached in his pocket and pulled out a cigar. He started walking around the store picking up various items and setting them back down. “This place is a dump.”
“That’s what I told him, half this shit in here, you probably couldn’t pay people to take,” Dan said as he came out of the restroom and headed straight for the coffee stand.. “You want any? I can make a fresh pot.” Dan held up the nearly empty pot before pouring its contents into his cup.
“No, no, never cared for that Cup of M.U.D.D. brand, tastes like dirt to me,” the man said looking back at his clipboard. “Who are you? I thought I just had an NPC at this location.”
“That depends on who’s asking. Are you with Farmer’s Home Furniture? I swear I put the check in the mail last week. “
“No idea who that is, I represent a company called Enterprise Trolls, name’s Dolgas Frostwick.”
“Oh yeah, the people that will pick you up? Right?” Dan said, taking a sip of coffee.
“Pick you up and drop you in a pit maybe. we're more into trades and acquisitions,” Dolgas said. “So what’s your name?”
“Daniel McDaniel.” Dan said.
“Oh good, I see those idiots got something right for a change. They actually got a DM in place before I had to ask for one. They usually don’t know shit from shinola, you know what I mean?” Dolgas pulled a second cigar out of his pocket, “Would you like one?” he offered to Dan.
“Maybe later, don’t like cigars while I’m having coffee.” Dan said taking the cigar and putting it in his shirt pocket.
“Gotta place we can sit and talk, Dan? “
Nate pulled out the chair from behind the counter and offered it to Dolgas while Dan pulled up the lawn chair he’d slept in earlier. Nate sat on the counter.
“I am here on behalf of the newest owner of this shit hole, Nicky Two -Thumbs. I’m just here with your new hire paperwork, it’s more of a formality to make sure you understand your job. You’re gonna work here whether you sign or not. “
“Hey, wait a second there Doug, I’m not looking for work at the moment. Got a good gig with Bradley Transport.” Dan said getting ready to stand up.
“Did I make it sound like a choice? You’re already here. If you didn’t want to be here, you shoulda left before the red light came on. Now that you’re here, there’s no going back.”
“Fuck this, I’m outa here.” Dan said standing up.
“Now, now, hear me out, I am going to make you an offer you won’t be able to refuse.”
“Might as well listen, Dan, not like we know where we are.”
“That’s right, listen to your pal, Nico, over here. Where you gonna go?
So we’re offering room and board in exchange for you two manning the store and taking care of things in there.” Dolgas gestured to the beer cooler.
“What do you mean ‘take care of’ exactly?” Dan asked.
“Sometimes people drop things and you two need to pick it up. Sometimes the items are valuable and sometimes they’re not. Regardless you will pick up the items and sell them for us. Think of this place as kind of like a pawn shop. Buy low, sell high and the less questions you ask the better.”
“Besides room and board what do we get out of this deal?” Nate asked.
“We’re gonna enhance your natural abilities. You’ll be able to do things that you couldn’t do before, like that fire trick Dan did earlier.”
“You saw that?” Dan asked. “That sucker really blew, didn’t it?”
“That’s how I knew someone was here, I saw the smoke signal.”
“I don’t know about this, I don’t wanna be involved in shady dealings, that’s a way to get yourself killed.” Dan said.
“Death ain’t gonna get you out of your contract, you’ll just respawn the last place you slept. Can’t promise being killed won’t hurt but you’ll be right back. Coffee won’t even be cold when you get back. You won’t have to worry about the stuff in there,” Dolgas gestured to the cooler, “But can’t promise you anything from the customers. You’re on your own with them.”
“You guys aren’t murdering anyone in there, are you?” Nate asked.
“Murder is such an ugly word. No, we just reset the player back to level zero and they have to give us all their gear and loot. They respawn the last place they slept. We don’t take everything, we at least leave them in their underwear. Not everyone’s gonna lose. Gotta have some winners otherwise no one will wanna play the game, know what I mean? But as they say in Vegas, the house always wins.”
“So wait a minute, is this like a game and I’m a non player character?” Nate asked.
“Give the man a cookie, he figured it out.” Dolgas said.
“What the fuck is a non player character? You two have me totally confused.” Dan said, lighting a cigarette.
“It means just that, Noah here, can’t play the game, can’t go on adventures, can’t level up. He can just assist the dungeon by running the store and helping out in other ways”
“That didn’t tell me jack shit. Why do you keep calling the beer cooler a dungeon? Only dungeons I know are in some of those adult movies I’ve seen. Ain’t none of them in a beer cooler.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out, I ain’t got time to explain everything to you. There’s no Dungeon Keepers guide for Dummies that I’m aware of. As for you, you’re the DM, which means Dungeon Maintenance. You'll be doing the same shit as your buddy, we just call it a fancy name. Still don't pay squat."
“This job so far sounds like it’s gonna suck ass,” Dan said. “Are we gonna at least be able to do more cool stuff like the fart cloud and the fire hands trick?”
“Probably, don’t ask me the particulars. I am just the messenger, no one told me you were even gonna be here.”
“I can’t believe I can’t go home,” Nate said after a few moments of silence. “I’m gonna miss my friends, my brother.”
“Who said anything about not being able to go home? Your contract ends in 100 years which is something like ten months in your world. You can just tell everyone you were in jail or the hospital or went on an extended vacation during that time.”
“Now Doug, I really don’t like the idea of sleeping on this plastic chair for the next hundred years. I’m gonna need my own bed.”
“We’ve already got that figured out. We’ll make this place feel like home away from home. Your official first day is tomorrow. Good luck.” Dolgas stood up and headed to the back of the store.
“Wait, what if we need to talk to you again?” Nate called after him.
Without turning around, Dolgas said, “Tell the dungeon, I’ll get the message. Don’t mean I’ll always come but I’ll get the message.” Dolgas opened the beer cooler door and stepped inside. He opened the door back up, "One more thing, one of the reps from our treasury department will be around in a few days to pick up our profits". The door closed for good this time.