Septima restrained herself from seeming overly hostile to her half-expected guest. It wasn't Dumbledore's fault that a decade of history was crashing into her at the same time he came knocking.

Unless it was, but she tried to stay away from being that paranoid.

"So, I have your hotdog cooking, you want sauerkraut or chilli?" I asked as I made something that had damn near every European look at me in disgust.

Iced sweet tea.

"I am your guest. I suppose whichever you would consider the more American." Dumbledore responded.

Well, I could hardly resist an invitation like that.

"Alrighty, Chilli Dogs with a side of Freedom." I responded with a smile.

"Now, my understanding is that you are paying me a phoenix feather to speak with me. A pretty hefty payment for just a meeting. What can I do you for?"

"Yes, thank you. As you have no doubt guessed I'm looking for some assistance in setting up some further wards and defenses at Hogwarts. I recently came into possession of an item I wish to have as well protected as I could get it." The wizard stated as he walked over to a wooden chair at my table and sat down. "When I was- oh!"

Dumbledore adjusted himself a bit in the seemingly simple wooden chair.

"That is quite comfy." He stated.

"Thanks. All my furniture has been spelled to as comfortable as possible. I'm glad you approve." I responded as I went to the pantry to get the ingredient that would give my food that extra dose of Freedom.

"The work is well done." He complimented before leaning back and the solid wood chair leaned back with him. "As I was saying, when I was looking into the best person to place wards and protections it was your name that kept coming up. Your reputation precedes you. The vast majority of your clients I've contacted tell me that they felt you undercharged them for your services."

Ordinarily I would respond to such praise with denial or a humble statement in return. But this was about my work. And I did damn good work.

"Yes. I'm easily one of the top ten best in my field in the whole world. If you want it protected, I'm one of the best options."

"Indeed." Dumbledore agreed. "Always nice to see a witch that knows the value of her work. But I noticed that none of your work has landed you in the British Isles, despite frequent requests and large amounts of compensation offered."

I gave, or at least tried to give a dismissive shrug as I cast a warming charm on container of chili.

"I don't do what I do for money." I stated simply.

"No, you do not. As several villages in the Quing province can attest to after you warded their villages from their local vampire problem. You charged them a noodle recipe if the stories are to be believed." The old man said in way that was quite clear he believed the stories to be true.

"It was a good deal. I make some badass dumplings now."

A smile tugged at Dumbledore's lips as his eyes twinkled in amusement.

"I must say, you are probably right. But I also know that the Malfoy family has tried to have you put wards upon their home and were willing to pay you enough that you could have bought all the villages that you warded. St. Mungo's Hospital has also offered you quite the hefty sum for you to pay them a visit as well." The man took his half moon glasses off his nose and gave them a polish on his robes.

"It would seem to me that you have something against The British Isles Miss Septima."

Damn wizards that actually do their research before hand. They were so much harder to wave off.

"Alright, let me stop you right there. This isn't just about an object you want protected, is it? I doubt you'd have stated with all of that rigmarole without having another angle here. What do you really want?" I asked as I slapped a now cooked hotdog on a bun alongside a scoop of chili, a dollop of sour cream, and a sprinkle of Freedom.

My slightly crude response seemed only to please the owner of Death's wand. "Very well. I want you to not just put up protections on this item, but also several other tasks around the school that will take quite a bit of your time. So I would like to offer you a teaching position at the school for your time frame as well."

Hell's bells, I haven't stepped foot in Magical Britain specifically to avoid having to deal with the bullshit of this plot, but it seemed intent on reaching out and pulling me in.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

Granted, I've still crossed paths with two other Dark Lords, been entangled in five separate conspiracies, and had way more attempts on my life than one should be able to get away with. But with those I at least didn't KNOW I was flinging myself into life threatening situations.

I slid the chilidog over to my guest and sat down across from him.

"And what makes you think that I'll accept your deal when I've turned down all those others? You going to offer me money? Magical ingredients? A fleet of house elves? I've been offered all that before. What could you offer?" I challenged.

"The only things you seem to care about Miss Septima." The old man's features softened and the weight of the world suddenly landed on his shoulders. "I offer my sincerest pleas that you help me. Very bad things are going to start happening in my home very soon, and I need all the help I can get to protect the lives of my students."

Damn it. Sincerity and the safe care of children. My greatest weaknesses.

"That's not fair." I muttered.

"No. It is not. But I believe you have a book you wrote that says one should never play fair in the protection of their home." Dumbledore stated.

Fuck. He read my book too.

I resisted the urge to childishly punch the air in frustration. He got me to actually consider taking the job. At this point avoiding Magical Britain was almost silly considering what I had already run into in my life, and I had a skill set well suited to what Dumbledore needed. Finding out that Lee couldn't safely attend Ambrose Academy also meant that this was opportunity to fix things for him as well.

While I stewed over his words Dumbledore took a bite of his meal. Fireworks shot out of the man's nose with the sound of gunfire before exploding into a red white and blue bald eagle that looked like it had both middle fingers raised.

The Headmaster of Hogwarts had a moment of stunned silence before letting out a long hearty laugh. He even slapped his knee.

"Served with Freedom indeed! You are right. This is the most American of hotdogs!" He continued to laugh and shook his head.

I couldn't help but let out my own chuckles. It was a bad joke, but one I loved. It told you a lot about a person in how they responded to the joke. Some were offended. Some gave polite laughter. And some, like my current guest, quickly took another bite to see if it did something different on the second bite.

It did. This time it was an American flag that said "Fuck Yeah".

Dumbledore continued with his amused laughter, though more subdued now that it didn't catch him by surprise.

"How many different effects does it do?" He asked.

"Just the two." I admitted. "It used to be three but now that Lee lives with me I figured flaming penises that say 'FREEDOM' are not appropriate."

I justified all this with the fact that in this life I grew up in the late sixties and early seventies. If it had been my first life...it probably still would have been the same.

"Yes, well I might have you only teach the older students then." The man waved away the phantom smoke left by the spell.

If all this was an act to make me like him, this was a damn good one. I could feel a slightly kindred spirit in the Headmaster. A desire to protect. The ability to take a joke. Finding flaming penises funny.

"If I were to come I'd need Lee to come too." I stated. "This isn't negotiable."

"Of course. I had expected nothing less."

"And you have to have a room for Annabel too. My research doesn't stop just because I'm there." I added.

"We have plenty of rooms. I'll put her down as a teachers assistant. Further, I can promise one phoenix feather a week for your research."

Damn that was a good deal. Phoenix feathers were plenty rare and were also the best ingredient I'd found to help resist the killing curse. It didn't stop it yet, but it was one of the best at slowing it down.

"You realize that if I do come, I'm going to be bringing my own problems too. I have my own secrets and my own dark wizards that wish to see me harm. Ones not native to your neighborhood."

My guest took a moment to shoot a flaming eagle out of his nose before he responded.

"Yes. Should they decide you are worth pursing you half way across the world I'm certain that I can assist you with them. You might not know, but I'm something of an accomplished duelist in certain circles."

Said the man that beat Wizard Hitler.

"I may have heard something along those lines, yes." I agreed.

Having someone like Dumbledore ready to back me up when my past comes knocking was a mighty attractive prospect as well. All around this seemed like a great offer, and I knew what was going on there so I couldn't even say it was too good to be true.

"All I can say is that I'll think about it. I have to talk with Annabel and Lee before I can respond."

Dumbledore gave a nod. "Understandable. I can give you a week to decide. Any longer and the school board won't accept any changes so close to the start of school."

"Yeah. That's fair. I'll owl you the message within a week." I said with a small amount of relief. It meant I didn't have to do it today, and not having to do something today was always a great feeling.

I stood up and went to my fridge to pull out a goodbye present. A slice of apple pie. I put it into its own container and handed it over to Dumbledore.

"For your return trip."

"Oh? Apple pie? Anything magical about it?" He asked in interest, and probably also to make sure he didn't shoot fireworks on public transport.

"Yes. It tastes magical when combined with vanilla ice cream." I answered. "Also, you'll need this." I placed a small pink bottle on the container.

"Oh? And this potion is?"

"Pepto Bismol. After that chilidog you'll need it. Trust me."

The man arched an eyebrow but accepted my gifts and followed me to the front door.

"Well Miss Septima, it was a pleasure making your acquaintance. Should you decline the position, I would still love the opportunity to discuss more on your theory of magical counter-resonance when you have the time."

"Certainly." I responded. I would be a fool to turn down an offer from one of the premier magical minds of the world allowing me to bounce ideas off of him.

With a handshake and a wave my guest was gone, leaving only a very large decision in his wake.

"Sepi? How's that lunch coming boss?" Came Annabel's southern twang.

Damn. Forgot about that.

"Let's just hope I don't forget anything else important." I muttered to myself.

After all. If I went for this little adventure, forgetting things could get people killed.

No pressure or anything.