There’s an old joke about denial and rivers in Egypt.
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Six in the morning found me sitting in the breakfast area of the Bell Tree, a mug of coffee close to hand while I leafed through Suzu’s most recent IKEA catalog. To her credit, she hadn’t laughed at me when I explained I’d left my son in my bed, and I needed guest furniture. Suzu had, after all, taken her furniture with her when she’d left.
I’d narrowed my choices down to two styles, and written them down on paper, setting the catalog to the side. As I waited for Suzu to bring out whatever she’d decided I was going to be eating for breakfast, I closed my eyes and held my fork over the two names, letting Fate make the choice. Down went the tines, and the style was chosen. I opened my eyes and found the fork touching a pamphlet, and not the name of furniture. Instead, the name the fork had selected was my own.
Turning, I looked to my brother and offered him my best innocent smile. “Good morning, Xelander. I guess you noticed.” I should have known better than to come to the Bell Tree, but I didn’t own any home décor catalogs, and my preferred decorator would not appreciate a pre-dawn wakeup call. Coming here was a calculated risk, but as long as Xelander didn’t try to fix me, I’d be able to maintain some sort of relationship with him.
“It was hard to miss,” He sat opposite me at the table and gave me one of his long steady looks, searching my face for a moment before he pointed to the catalog. “Redecorating?”
“My son’s in town and seeing as I lack furniture in the guest room, I left him sleeping in my bed. Not that I sleep, mind you, but I know he’d prefer to sleep somewhere other than his father’s bed.” I set the fork to the side and picked up the pamphlet, skimming it. It was the usual information about the hospital, detailing the children’s ward and the Friends of the Hospital association that I funded. What I hadn’t expected was the mention of a fundraiser gala, and I read the details and made a mental note to send a donation in lieu of attending.
Setting it back down, I lifted my gaze to Xelander, and he flicked a glance at the pamphlet. “Not the actions of a killer, Teimhean.” So much for my hope that he wasn’t going to keep trying to fix me.
“Xelander, please. I don’t want to have this discussion with you. Hell, I don’t want to have this discussion with anyone, now that I think on it, so let’s just let it rest, hmm?” I picked up my coffee and blew on the liquid for a moment, watching it ripple at my breath before I took a hesitant sip. It was a little hot, but I wasn’t likely to get burned, so I took a healthy drink.
“Apt phrasing from a man who purports to be a killer yet donates healthy sums of money towards the care of children in hospital,” he retorted, picking up the Ikea catalog and flipping to one of the pages that I had marked.
It was, in retrospect, a good thing that Xelander had moved the catalog. Otherwise it would have been drenched with coffee. As it was, my right lung, objecting to the introduction of superheated liquid, had decided to move out of my chest in search of a better caretaker. My brother simply looked over the edge of the catalogue as he flipped to the other page I’d tagged, waiting for me to clear my system with magic and use my napkin to mop up the table before he spoke again. “I’d suggest the Malm line; there is more that works with it than the Vanvik.”
My brother, the doctor. Completely unconcerned for my health. Who needs enemies when you have family? I tried to give him a bland look, but I was interrupted by the arrival of breakfast – fried green tomatoes and grits. Incredulous, I turned to look to Suzu, who promptly put her eyebrows up as if to tell me that arguing was moot. Fried green tomatoes. You’d think I was living in the South or something.
I poked at the fried discs as Suzu asked Xelander what he might want to eat and ignored the abundance of meat in what he’d requested. It was a good thing that the sight and smell of cooked meat didn’t make me ill, because otherwise I needn’t have wasted my time trying to eat this purely Southern ensemble that Suzu had thrown at me. I swear she did this sort of thing on purpose. As she walked away, I grumbled quietly. “Do the two of you stay up all night coming up with ways to torment me?”
“I’ll confess to staying up all night, though we weren’t discussing you,” Xelander replied, and his tone of voice stopped me cold. My fork hung in mid-air, a fragment of tomato hanging precariously off the tines as I lifted my gaze to his.
My brother was, as usual, patently unreadable, and I lowered my fork and wiped my free hand across my face. “Xelander, while I am reasonably at ease with the thought of the two of you having somewhat of a relationship, there are simply things that I do not need to know.”
He was the picture of innocence as he turned the pages of the catalog and glanced up at me. “She and I are both consenting adults, Teimhean.” There was a beat, and then he continued conversationally, “Did you know that Ikea has specially designed matching bedding for the Malm line?”
I buried my head in my hands. It was safer than throwing my tomatoes at my brother.
I heard Suzu approach again, and I looked up to see her smiling at me softly. She knew. Oh, she knew. I gave her a faint smile in return, and then moved to pick up the fork. I knew better than to ignore food that Suzu had deemed it necessary I eat. She placed a plate in front of Xelander, and I wondered why I’d gotten fried green tomatoes when he was getting an omelet that looked like it had enough cheese in it to keep a colony of mice appeased for a year.
"Suzu," my brother began in a somewhat distanced voice, "How long would you say that you've known Teimhean?" I glanced at him, watched him sip at his coffee as if there was nothing at all unusual about asking the question he’d just asked, and I wondered where he was going with this. Knowing him, it wasn’t anywhere I’d find comfortable.
She paused, her teal gaze flickering to me for a moment before she looked back to Xelander. "I believe that I met your brother shortly after he gained his scar." I flinched, looking down to my plate and started hard at the fried green tomatoes. This wasn't a conversation that I wanted to be part of.
He put the coffee down, moving to pick up his fork and use the edge to cut some omelet. "I see. And did he, at any time, explain to you that he was in any shape or form, a killer? An assassin for hire? Perhaps a trained or skilled murderer?" He was eating. He’d asked that heavy of a question, his tone conversational, as if he was simply asking after the weather, and then proceeded to begin to eat his breakfast as if nothing was wrong.
What little appetite I might have had was gone as I looked to Suzu in desperate panic before turning back to my brother. "Xelander..." I began as a protest, but Suzu smiled at him with a perfectly disarming curl of her lips, and I looked back to her when she placed her hand on my arm, falling silent.
"Perhaps. But then that's not my story to tell, Xelander. I believe that you'd best find your answers from Teimhean himself, not someone such as I." Her voice was soft, a gentle rebuff for those who knew her. She wasn’t given to loud rebuttal or admonishments, but to kind and loving redirects. Not even when she’d left me had she been hard or callous.
Christ, I loved the woman.
Xelander continued to eat for a few moments, and I saw Suzu begin to move away, only to pause when he spoke again. "Teimhean, you must put this nonsense aside. You, who cried at the falling of a sparrow. You, of all souls in this world. I cannot fathom." His fork was placed to the side, and he went to sip from his coffee again. It lent a surreal feeling to the discussion, and I’d had enough.
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Anger kindled in the depths of my heart, and I stood slowly, placing my fork down with careful deliberation. "Fine. If you don't believe me, I'll show you. You want to see the man that I've become, the man that stands here with blood pooling in his shadow? I’ll show you. But not here. Not inside. Upstairs.” I turned, walking away from the table where my brother sat surprised, away from the delicate figure of the blonde elfess who would be so desperately at risk should my fire magic escape me. That was, of course, why I was headed up. The rooftop pool would serve very well if my fire got out of hand.
I took the stairs, using the repetitive movements of my body as I climbed to center my thoughts in an attempt to meditate. I didn’t want to fight Xelander, but I knew if I went into it emotionally, I’d end up hurting him. Or worse. I couldn’t bear thinking that, so I focused my mind on climbing the stairs. Pity it was only eight floors.
By the time Xelander and Suzu joined me near the pool, I’d cleared the furniture away to mark out an area where he and I could spar. I hadn’t used my magic, so it had been a good fifteen minutes of movement, more time to control my thoughts and slip into the old familiar mindset that was necessary for fighting.
“Teimhean, this isn’t necessary,” Xelander said as he approached, but then he stopped when I looked at him. I don’t know what he saw in my eyes at that moment, but he seemed surprised before he nodded and cast a glance to Suzu, and then looked back to me. “All right, I’ll play your game. I understand.”
Oh, brother, no. No, you don’t.
I’m not sure who started. But Xelander moved with a fluid grace, meeting my hand-to-hand with a style that I couldn’t hope to match. Hand met hand, leg blocked foot, feint was met with anticipation, and the longer we sparred, the easier it became to distance myself. I felt my stance shift, felt myself fall into the fight, calculating and moving to account for his movements. Meet, match, retreat, meet again.
Teimhean!!!!
Suzu’s mental voice flashed through my awareness, alarm tinting my name, and I froze, locking my arm in place, slamming back into myself and I blinked. My right hand was around Xelander’s throat, my left drawn back with flames dancing along my fingers, as if I was prepared to make a killing blow. He wasn’t gripping my arm, wasn’t making any move of defense. Instead, those ice blue eyes were watching mine with the same intensity that he always used. I blinked, looking away and dropping my left hand, flames vanishing. My right hand didn’t respond, and for a moment, I feared I wouldn’t be able to release him, that some part of the pact with Valen would force me to do what I couldn’t bear. But then the adrenaline fell from me, and I let him go, staggering backwards and away from him.
I didn’t remember getting him to that point. My mind reeled; if not for Suzu’s sudden cry of alarm, I would have easily killed Xelander. I turned away, stumbling to a stop and lifted my hands to my face, shuddering at the realization, and then lowering my hands to look at them. In all my life, in everything that I had ever done, I’d never felt so small, so lost. I couldn’t turn back to look to my brother or the woman who knew my soul as well as I. I’d betrayed them, betrayed myself, and the last thing I could bear would be the look of sympathy on Suzu’s face, or that placid stare that my brother greeted everything with.
“I’m sorry. I’m… sorry.” My voice was a whisper, and I wasn’t sure it could be heard, but I couldn’t stay to find out. No. I could. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know what they thought of me now. It was better that I just leave, let the moment crystallize and leave it as an unspoken between us. Tristan needed furniture, and I had a case I needed to work; a woman to find. I’d throw myself into that and then I’d leave Charleston and the mistakes I always seemed to make when I got near Xelander. I dropped my hands to my sides and started for the stairs.
Strong arms grasped me from behind, a crushing embrace, and I fought it for a moment, trying to escape my brother’s touch. I couldn’t; he was strong, and the sudden return to my wits had left me shaking from the loss of adrenaline. “Xelander… let me go.” A hoarse whisper. It was all I could manage.
“Never, Teimhean.” His voice was quiet in my ear, not a whisper, but not spoken terribly loudly. “I’ve been wrong, I didn’t see what you’d had to become. I’m sorry. I should have understood.” These words, words that I had wanted to hear, hurt. Each syllable felt like a dagger that cut into my scar and left it blazing anew across my chest. I couldn’t breathe, and yet my lungs worked perfectly. The world swayed, but I was held fast within his arms, and I couldn’t fall.
I stood, shaking, caught my brother, my mind dancing on the ledge between being angry that he nearly had to die by my hand to understand, and angry at myself for losing my focus in sparring and allowing it to become a true fight. If I admitted it to myself, I was both, and angrier still at myself for nearly doing the one thing that I had sworn never to do. Had it not been for Suzu… Once again, I owed her everything. “Xelander. Please. I need to leave. Before I do something we’ll all regret.”
I felt him move, knew that he was going to walk around to face me, and I turned my head to the side away from him as he shifted. “Teimhean, look at me.” Suddenly, I was nine again, years fallen away to when we were both still boys in Ireland with no hint of the sorrows the future would visit upon us. My gaze shifted against my wishes, and I found myself looking into those pale blue eyes again. The anger I’d expected wasn’t there, and instead of that fierce intensity, I saw pain. There were tears in those eyes, turning them a softer, more watery blue, and I looked away sharply, an echo of that pain ripping across my chest again. “Teimhean…” His voice trailed off, and I suddenly wondered if he was as lost for words as I was. It never occurred to me that he might have been. It had been a long time since I’d known what my brother was thinking.
“Xelander…” I gathered my will and forced the words out of my mouth. “I’m sorry. What I’ve done… what I’ve cursed us both to…” I shook my head, feeling around for the words now that the air between us was as clear as crystal. “It was foolish, a child’s wishes whispered from adult lips. I pay that price, and I’m ashamed to say that I do so willingly. Had I known what it would do to you… had I been given the chance to see what the future held, not been so rash to see you through the war…”
“Oh, little brother, the only curse was being unable to understand. I made peace with this, with the years passing me by so long ago… but you were gone, an enigma lost to history. I stopped looking, and that was my fault.” Xelander’s hands rested on my shoulders, and I couldn’t help but look back to see the tears in his eyes. “Forgive me for not finding you sooner, Teimhean. For not being there when you needed me. For not being your brother.”
My heart felt as if it was shattering. After everything I’d done, after cursing him to eternal life and pain, he was asking me for forgiveness for what? Not confronting me about it sooner? For living his own life and becoming the better man for it? I stared at him in disbelief, all the words I’d ever rehearsed in my head, the plans of long and melodramatic speeches scattered. Instead, the words that escaped my lips were words I’d never thought to say. “I couldn’t let you die. I was selfish.”
“And I don’t die, Teimhean. I don’t. Not even you have that power over me now.” How wrong he was! I knew that had I followed through with whatever attack I’d been building, Xelander would have been dead, and I would have been set free from the pact. Free from Valen Ravenswing and the requirement that I do as he commanded. I knew, too, that Ravenswing would be unbound in turn, freed to cause whatever death and destruction he would see wreaked on the world, and if preventing that meant my eternal damnation… well, I’d just live with that.
“That’s the problem, Xelander. I do. That pact I made, that stupid agreement, gives me that one power.” I moved away from him, but this time I headed for a chair at the nearby table. A glance around me showed that at some point Suzu had retreated, and Xelander and I were alone. I sat, my elbows falling on the table, my head buried in my hands. “I told you; to free myself from Ravenswing’s command, I must fulfill the contract. And to do that, I have to kill you. But it’s not so simple, you see. I can’t harm him. Not unless the contract is fulfilled. And if fulfill the contract, you are dead and he’s free to use whatever magic he desires, effectively negating my chances of killing him. I’m good, but I’m not that good. Once he’s free… it doesn’t bear thinking about.”
He moved to the table as well, but didn’t sit on a nearby chair. No, my brother half leaned-half perched on the edge of the table itself and watched me as I spoke. When I fell silent, he waited. He’d always waited for me, and again I felt time fall away until I was no more than a boy. Unlike then, I felt no need to expound upon what I had already said, instead closing my eyes and centering my thoughts while I sat there. At length, my responsibilities caught up with me, and I pulled my façade of self back over me and sat up. “I need to get moving. I’ve my son in town who has no furniture to sleep on, and a missing woman to find. Can we…” I felt that gaze on me and turned to look to my brother. “Can we have that discussion later as well?”
Xelander was back to that placid stare, but he nodded, looking at me as if he was seeing me for the first time. “Yes. It appears we have a great deal to discuss, Teimhean. I look forwards to the time when we can.” He shifted off the table and waited for me to stand, then reached out and clasped my arm in the old way, hand to forearm, then pulled me into his embrace. “I am here for you, little brother. No matter what has passed between us. Know that and go safely.” He let go and turned towards the door that led to his apartment, leaving me standing there by the swimming pool in the Charleston morning sun.