"Where am I?" Kiyu looked around, but there was only darkness around her. And though her eyes were wide open, she could see nothing.
"Cheryu?" she called into the yawning void. "Are you here somewhere?"
< I'm here > rang out from nowhere, and a light as bright as the sun appeared before her eyes. < I am with you, little Kiyu >
"Where are we?" asked Kiyu in wonder after she couldn't see anything even in the light of Cheryu. "And why do I see your spirit form?" she echoed.
< We are in your mind, little Kiyu. That's why you can see me. >, he replied in his neutral, calm way.
"In my mind? What happened?" she asked, trying to remember. Isolated images came up in her and reflected in the dark room, like shreds of a whole. "I was dying!" she gasped.
"Did I... did I die?" she asked, full of fear.
< No, we're still alive! > he reassured her. < But things are not very good for us either. > he added.
"Then why are we in my mind, Ryu? What's going on?" To Kiyu, this whole situation was more than incomprehensible. They were not dead, but they were not conscious either. What were they then?
Cheryu's already luminous form flashed once, filling the entire dark, empty room with images. Images that, unlike Kiyu's memory, were complete and ran one after the other.
"Hang in there, Kiki!" she heard Laki cry, holding her hand and shedding rivers of tears.
< We are not dead, yet we are dying. Only a silken thread keeps us alive, Kiyu> he explained to her as he showed her what was happening around her body.
"We.... are dying?" This statement came so unreal and Kiyu put a hand to her cheek and forehead as if even in this weightless void of her mind, her head was getting heavy.
"Dying...." She repeated in a whisper.
She looked at Laki, who could not see her, at least not the part of her that was alive.
She had put her pale face over Kiyu's, forehead to forehead, and was looking into the dead young girl's open, green-blue eyes. Her incessant tears flowed and dripped down onto Kiyu's pale skin.
"Please stay with me Kiki," she cried, "I can't bear to lose you too."
The longer Kiyu looked at Laki, the more Laki seemed weak to her. Starved and exhausted.
"How long... have we been dying?" she wanted to know from Cheryu, who, unlike her, seemed to still have a connection to the outside world.
< A little over two days. > he replied, not taking his eyes off her.
"Two days!" she gasped. Had Laki been standing with Kiyu all this time, without eating, without sleeping? If this continued, she would starve herself to death, or die of exhaustion!
Just then Toras came into the infirmary and Laki detached herself from Kiyu's face, but continued to hold her motionless hand.
"You should get some rest. Do you want your sister to see you like this when she wakes up?" he spoke, administering a concoction to Kiyu.
"I'll stay with her!" sniffed Laki, not to be dissuaded from staying by Kiyu's side at all costs.
Toras just sighed and, having settled his medical affairs, left the room without saying something.
Kiyu could only guess how many times he had tried to persuade Laki to take care of herself as well. In the end, he had given up and realized that Laki didn't want a distraction.
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Before Kiyu could react, the door opened again, and this time it was Zhèngyi who entered.
"She still hasn't woken up?" he asked, watching as Laki shook her head.
His eyebrows lowered, and he looked at Kiyu with pity. "I should have gone and laid there," he said to himself, just so Laki couldn't hear.
"He blames himself... for a decision I made," Kiyu stated with regret. She would go to extremes to free Laki, but she had never given a thought to what it must be like for the others if she died.
When she had seen enough of the pictures, she turned back to Cheryu, who then made the pictures disappear.
"Why don't we wake up? What's wrong with my body?" she wanted to know.
< Your mind is the problem >, he explained. < You have become very much in conflict with your conscience, and the guilt weighs on your mind. >
< The fate of the soldiers, the danger Zhèngyi could have faced because of your escape from the fight, the citizens who could have suffered from Siwang's anger. You blame yourself for all of this, and this burden weighs on your mind that it holds it back. > Cheryu continued his explanation, enlightening her about her soul suffering.
Mixed emotions awakened in her as the memories of those events came up.
"Isn't it my fault then?" she cried, "Siwang could poison the soldiers because they were near me. And by fleeing through the city, I risked Siwang either taking her anger out on the city or returning and running and walking into Zhèngyi and Laki!" she yelled, enraged.
"How can I not feel guilty about that?" she cried, filled with grief, and slapped her hands in front of her head to suppress her tears.
< You didn't use the poison! Nor do you control Siwang or her emotions! > Cheryu declared. < There is nothing wrong with being aware of the consequences of one's actions > he now continued more calmly again. < But if you hold yourself responsible for everything that happens in the world, your mind will break and you will sink into a never-ending abyss! >
"But.... Then who is responsible?" she sobbed, searching for an answer to what Cheryu was telling her.
< Nature takes its course, and not everything has a person responsible. Do you know Siwang's motives? Or those of the guards? Are you responsible for them becoming guards or Siwang a Spiritformer? > he replied to her.
< The question of responsibility for the actions of others will always chain you. You, however, little Kiyu, can only decide how to deal with the events of nature! >
Kiyu took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down to some extent. It took some time, but she got her despair halfway under control.
"So I'm just supposed to take it all? Tell myself I can't change it, anyway?" she countered, still negative minded towards the idea.
< No. You're supposed to figure out what's in your control or not. Whether you get sick, whether you lose an arm. Do you think you have sole control over that? > he tried to explain to her.
< Your control lies in the most important part of yourself: Your mind. How you decide to act based on what information no one can take away from you. But this is your only area. >, he explained.
< Yes, your actions have consequences, sometimes far-reaching. But instead of fighting against the unchangeable nature and putting all the blame on yourself, instead think about how you want to react to it. > he announced to her and fell silent.
Kiyu was silent for a few minutes after Cheryu finished his explanations. It was difficult for her to understand. What he asked of her contradicted everything she had learned so far, how she had lived so far.
But if her previous way of thinking could bring her to such a critical state that increased the suffering of those she loved.... did she want to maintain that way?
The takeover of Rika by the evil spirit, the death of her parents and her foster parents. All these were things that happened, no matter if she wanted them. And even though some of her actions were consequences of her choices, had it ever done any good to blame herself and fall into self-pity?
One time that guilt had gotten her into Siwang's poison, another time it had almost wasted the life-saving help of Toras, who had saved her with his wall of plants. And yet.... Giving up responsibility for all that had happened.... seemed so hard.
< It will never be easy, because life is anything but easy or fair. But that's the only way you can learn and grow as a person. > he added to her last thoughts.
< Let go of the guilt that weighs on your soul. Take responsibility for your life and accept that nature is playing its game, giving you roles to play. > With another flash, his illuminating spirit form disappeared before her, leaving her with her thoughts.
"Letting go of the guilt," she repeated his words in a whisper. What he said made perfect sense in some ways. Kiyu couldn't control how other people acted. And yet, it was so hard. But he was right. When she blamed herself for everything that happened, she wrapped herself in thoughts and hesitated instead of acting.
She couldn't agree with him on everything, or at least she didn't want to yet. But as far as blaming herself for situations, or the actions of others, she had somewhat realized that there was nothing she could do about it.