Lotte calmed down after a while. Shamhat rubbed her back, and Siduri combed through Lotte’s hair, untangling knots and straightening loose strands. Sitting silently inside the small clay house, Lotte let the women do what they deemed best—simply because Lotte didn’t know what else to do.
She was dead, truly dead and gone, or that’s what she believed to be. Her mind was blank. It was still there, but it didn’t possess the capability to think straight—it was utterly overwhelmed.
“This is the underworld,” she mumbled. “The last destination for every living being.” What came after? What else was she to do? Does anything still hold meaning? Is her soul trapped here for all eternity?
“I can’t be dead yet. I can’t.” Lotte eyed the steaming cup of muddy water before her. Knowing about the tale of Persephone and Hades, Lotte understood that consuming anything in this realm would seal her fate.
Perhaps it was futile to keep on struggling. Should she give up and simply accept her fate? There was this piercing echo in her heart that refused to give in. Something she had forgotten since she arrived here.
“What am I supposed to do now?” mumbled Lotte to herself, but the two women by her side overheard her.
“What do you want to do?” Siduri returned the question with another question.
“I don’t know!” Lotte cried, lowering her head but refusing to break into tears again.
“What does your heart say?” Siduri gently turned Lotte’s face to face hers. “Listen to it. What does it say?”
Lotte tried to tune out Siduri’s words because she knew whatever emotions she tried to suppress would burst, worse than a dam, worse than how she was crying before them. It was something she wasn’t ready to bear, not yet, not even as a dead person.
“Let’s take a walk, shall we?” Shamhat pulled Lotte off of the bed and up to her feet.
“Going where?” Lotte hesitated to walk outside of the clay house. “There’s nothing to go to. Nothing but the dead, identical houses and ash and demons everywhere!”
“That’s not true. Well, not exactly.” Siduri gently nudged Lotte from behind. “There are lots of places to go to, but it will be just a walk. Nothing more than that. Just a stroll to clear your mind.”
With a lot more force and persuasion than necessary, Siduri and Shamhat got Lotte out of the house and outside. As soon as they stepped outside, the familiar deity was waiting by the side to meet them. His golden axe rested against his shoulder, and his midnight hair tousled against the wind.
“Oh no, you ain’t- hush, go elsewhere!” Shamhat immediately hissed at the tall deity and clung to Lotte, staying close to her.
“No man allowed, please go away,” Siduri, with much more politeness, tried to shoo away the deity as well while staying behind Lotte and glimpsing past her left shoulder.
“Excuse me?” the deity blinked, seemingly confused by the greeting he received. “I just got here. Is that any way to talk to your king?”
“You’re no king no more,” Shamhat hissed.
“I’m sorry, my former king, “Siduri apologised, “but since we’re all dead since your last reign, we are hereby excused as your subjects and only serve our queen mother.” Siduri awkwardly looked away. The last part came out as a mumble, “Including you, my king.”
With Lotte in tow, the two women pushed themselves past the deity. Lotte looked back and couldn’t help but feel awkward about how they just treated him. The deity remained in place, stunned and with a hand raised in question as he tried to wrap his head around how he was shot down.
“Was that wise to talk to him like that?” asked Lotte. “He’s a deity.”
“He’s no deity or god,” Shamhat replied to Lotte, turning left so they were gone from view. “He’s 2/3 of a god at the very least.”
“That’s not how math works. Wait, this sounds familiar.” Lotte held her head as if a memory from her past life tried to resurface, but was locked away.
“Don’t stress yourself. Memories are fickle.” Siduri tried to shake away something she remembered. “They’re not always pretty. Don’t think too hard about it, especially here. Just focus on the here and now.”
Lotte stuttered. “There is no here and now-”
“Bad thoughts!” Shamhat squeezed Lotte’s arm, and she let out a yelp. “Sorry, but we don’t want them here. Left, right, straight ahead. That’s all there is right now. No bad thoughts. They’re not worth it.”
Lotte nodded obediently, allowing them to drag her through another corner of the housing area. “Sounds like something my mom would say, I think?”
“Must have been a smart woman,” said Siduri. Lotte melancholically agreed. They walked back into the wide streets where the souls blurred out in their fast track. The blue fires in their chest danced in the air like an inferno.
Compared to the rest, the trio seemed to walk in slow motion, trapped in time, but unlike Lotte, her two escorts were unbothered by it.
“They are all dead, right?” asked Lotte.
“Same as me and Siduri,” said Shamhat as they walked past the blurs of people and flames.
“How long have you two been here for?”
Shamhat fell silent. Frowning, Siduri replied, “We don’t think about it anymore… You lose track of time when you are here long enough. Could be a few days, weeks, months, years or longer.”
“What about 5000 years?” Lotte suddenly asked, bringing the group to a halt. The dancing flames stopped with them. “I think I know you two, or rather, your stories. You are-”
“Nope.” Shamhat clapped a hand over Lotte’s mouth, desperately trying to shut her up. “No details! We do not need to discuss any of that. Rather, we should talk about something else, like, I don’t know, what do you see?”
Shamhat made an exaggerated move with her arm, motioning to the torrent of dancing flames blurring past them. Lotte said what she saw, but this didn’t satisfy the women.
“It’s not a matter what you see in front of you,” instructed Siduri, taking Lotte’s hand and guiding it towards the dancing flames. “It’s about what lies beyond it. Don’t just see the wall but imagine what’s past it.”
“It’s the same with your mind,” Shamhat continued, tapping her chin. “Sometimes, we imagine long roads or walls that stand before us. We get lost and desperate, unable to perceive how to carry on. It’s okay not to know what to do. Just take a step and touch the wall!”
Siduri guided her hand, but Lotte paused, retracting her arm from the wall she knew would burn her hand.
“What are you so scared about?” asked Shamhat, helping Siduri to urge Lotte’s hand forward.
“What if I don’t like what I see?” Lotte asked.
“Would you rather enjoy the view?”
“It is rather pretty,” admitted Shamhat, just to be hushed by Siduri.
“Just try it, touch the wall. There won’t be a scary monster standing behind it,” assured Shamhat. “Most likely.”
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However, this wasn’t reassuring for Lotte, who stepped forward, and the women let go of her.
The torrent of fire changed colours in various shades of blue. There was indigo, midnight blue, navy, sapphire and many other colours Lotte could never name unless her father pointed them out.
They were hot and cold at the same time, radiating against her skin with remnants of life. What precisely this wall was, Lotte didn’t know, but she put her hand on it, and the flames reacted.
Engulfing her arm and into her heart.
— ☾ —
“You two seem to be in a good mood,” Rex returned with two oversized ice cream cups brimming with sugar, syrup, and even more sugar. Whether it was for them or all for himself was debatable. “Did you two make up?”
The girls glanced away, though couldn’t hide their strawberry-red flush, considering what they had talked about just now.
“Let us be a couple like them.”
They remembered when they locked eyes with one another. Lotte still couldn’t believe it and wanted to respond right away, but a lump constricted her throat. The words were stuck, and before she had the courage, Liara’s uncle was back.
She glared unhappily at the burly man who passed Liara one of the ice cream cups. “If only I had one more minute, why did you have to get back so quickly?” grumbled Lotte, which got his attention.
“Don’t look at me like you want to blast me into smithereens. This cup is mine. You two can share one for all I care!” exclaimed Rex, clutching the cup protectively. He took a step away from Lotte.
“Don’t try to vaporise our ride back,” whispered Liara, “At least not yet.” She fumbled awkwardly with her cup. “Want to share?”
“No- I-” Lotte stopped herself and looked at Liara. She knew how much she liked sweets and rarely would share them with anyone, even Lotte. It was an opportunity Lotte couldn’t refuse. “Sure, I’d like a bite.”
With only one spoon in the cup, Liara opted for the first bite but held in. She offered it to Lotte. She reluctantly bit in and looked away from being seen while Liara watched her eat the ice with a smile.
“Ergh, this scene is too sweet. Even for me,” groaned Rex and stopped eating his cup after one large bite. “Let’s get back already. My wife is on the way to pick us up.”
Rex took their bags without even asking where they came from and carried them all under one arm while licking the ice cream cup he held in the other. They silently waited for the car to arrive. Rex played Snakes on his phone while Lotte and Laira silently exchanged paper notes. Reverting to their shy way of communication.
“How was the ice?” asked Liara.
“Cold,” replied Lotte.
It wasn’t the most thrilling conversation—they were mostly tiptoeing around the giant elephant on the streets. Their eyes focused on their letters, keeping their hands occupied.
They didn’t want to think or face the inevitable conversation.
Then Liara stopped writing, crumbled the paper in her hands and tore it apart. Her eyes looked straight at Lotte, who was still avoiding looking at her. “Did you enjoy the trip?”
The question stunned Lotte, but she nodded and mouthed a simple, “Mhm.”
“What did you like the most?” Liara asked. Lotte didn’t know what to say. “I, for one,” Liara paused, “liked the egg salad sandwich from the gas station-”
Lotte gagged at this, not able to restrain her laugh. “Are you kidding me? You threw up on the entire truck! I think the truck lady will hold an eternal grudge against you-”
“Hey, there you are!” The duo—and Rex, who was previously engrossed in his game—turned to the arriving vehicle parking before them at over 50 km/h and did a wild turn to make the wheels squeal. The smell of burned rubber filled the air. A familiar woman with a hijab stepped out and stormed over right at Rex. “Did you cause a commotion again!?”
Rex was sweating bullets. “No, mam,” he replied, hoping she wouldn’t inquire any further. His wife eyed him suspiciously. Then she noticed the ice cream cup in his hands.
“Oh, is that for me?”
“Ehhhhhh.” Rex gave a pained smile and reluctantly handed his dessert over to her. “Of course, dear, everything for you… dear.”
“Naww, you big lug, thank you. Luggage in the back, understood?” she pinched Rex’s cheek and took a bite of the ice. Her husband trotted away in defeat and loss of his special-deluxe-whatever-the-name-of-his-ice-cream was. “Girls,” the woman snapped with his fingers, “into the car. Time to go home, you hear me?”
“Yes, Mrs Uthman,” they crestfallen replied, missing another chance to talk.
Entering the giant crossover of an SUV and family van, they fastened their seats. They made sure they would sit next to each other and cramped Rex into a corner.
Liara glanced at Lotte but looked away again to quickly greet the man sitting in the shotgun seat. “Mordain, how are you?”
The college boy put down his book to look back at the two girls in surprise, as he was so absorbed in his study that he didn’t notice them. “Liara, always a pleasure,” he said monotonously, then greeted Lotte. “Charlie.”
Lotte glowered at him. “Not my name.”
“Charles?” Mordain corrected himself.
Lotte’s mien darkened.
“Sorry. Not good with names. Will eventually learn it, or not. Hard to say. Have more important things to remember.” Mordain resumed reading his book, ignoring them.
Lotte grumbled at Mordain’s behaviour and whispered audibly to Liara, “Does he have to be like this? How many years does he need to learn my name?”
Liara shrugged and whispered, “I've known him since forever. He’s a bit eccentric. Don’t mind him. He means it well… or so I hope.”
“Alright, girls,” Rex’s wife ignited the engine. She gave them one last glance before driving. “You two are in serious trouble,” her deep voice shook them awake. They sunk deeper into their seats before the woman’s face relaxed again. “But it’s not my job to reprimand you. Your parents will do that. Don’t worry just yet. Enjoy the ride.”
To the girls’ surprise, Mrs Uthman casually talked about her and Rex’s youth and how he often rebelled against his family or how he rebelled against their opposition to marry his now wife. Lotte and Liara blurred out the more explicit details.
“So, tell us, how was your trip?” Mrs Uthman eventually asked. “Was it worth the trouble you two will get into? Did you enjoy it? Make life-changing experiences?”
Lotte glimpsed over to Liara. She was gazing outside the open car window at the disappearing landscape and the road they drove on the truck with. Turning back around, she stared at Lotte, nervously expecting an answer herself.
“Well?” asked Liara tensely, putting her broken glasses away. “Did we?”
There was always a wall which Lotte imagined being between them. One that always remained and pushed Lotte back, but now? Now she saw it crumble. They both were breaking down the walls, but without further effort from both, it would gradually rebuild itself.
Brick by brick until the framework was done, with only one last brick remaining. Lotte looked at the brick in her hand and tossed it aside. The framework crumbled as she took Liara’s hand, caressing it with her thumb and giving her a warm smile before she answered, “It was. I enjoyed it a lot.”
Liara smiled back, returning the gesture. “Me too.”
— ☾ —
The flames parted before Lotte’s eyes and ended the memory. She dropped back into the ashen desert with the stalagmite ceiling and the hanging nebula below it. Right before Lotte stood a woman over two meters tall with cascading golden hair.
Shamhat gaped alongside Siduri. They locked their arms around Lotte and hid behind her. “My lady.”
The two dead women bowed slightly towards the goddess. Lotte recognised her from first waking up in the underworld. She had deep bronze skin, dark golden hair and eyes glistering like deep garnet stones.
Holding a clay tablet in her hands, she pressed it against her chest and the fabric of her blue robes and inclined her head in greeting. “Hello, girls. How are you today?”
Shamhat and Siduri bowed a few more times. They anxiously held on to Lotte. “Good, thank you very much, Lady Geshtinanna.”
The name sparked recognition in Lotte. It was the name of a goddess associated with writing. More accurately, the scribe to the Goddess of the Underworld.
“Wasn’t my little brother assigned to this young lady?” Geshtinanna gestured towards Lotte. “What happened?”
“We- ehm,” Siduri had trouble articulating.
Shamhat blurted one out. “We didn't need him. He made things more difficult, so we ditched him behind!”
“Shamhat-” Siduri protested nervously, muffling the woman’s mouth from saying anything else. She turned to Geshtinanna. “I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to be rude.”
“Speak for yourself. I meant what I said.” Shamhat’s words came out as a muffle through Siduri’s hands.
“No, we didn’t- OW!” Siduri reeled back. “You bit me!?”
“Oh, don’t be like that.” Shamhat licked her lips at Siduri. “You know how bad he is with women! The first and last time he showed a woman respect was when he hung from the tits of his mother-”
“Shamhat!” Siduri leapt at Shamhat, forcibly pressing her hands back over her mouth, which only ended in a weird brawl.
“Is this normal?” asked Lotte, feeling more familiar talking with Geshtinanna even though she knew she was a goddess.
Geshtinanna shrugged. “More or less. My brother has a rough reputation with women. Only his past title as a king gave him enough respect to ignore it, but that’s all forgotten.” Geshtinanna reached out to Lotte. “Shall we go now, child?”
“Go where?” asked Lotte, with Shamhat and Siduri stopping their fight to rejoin Lotte anxiously as if knowing what was to come. Geshtinanna gestured at the large ziggurat palace that stood out from everything else in the cavern-like underworld. It was the home of the ruler of this place.
“To the ruler of this place,” said Geshtinanna. “The Goddess of the Dead and Queen of Irkalla. Ereshkigal is awaiting your presence.”