Nothing particular brought the conversation on. Me and my father were walking home from another village after a monthly gathering. In the same way that Sua watches me to take on my roles I had begun to attend the functions off the men with my father. I suppose that would have been the unconscious catalyst for the conversation. Either way, it was dusk, and everything was beginning to quiet. I began to slow my pace as I thought about how to start the conversation. My father noticed.
“Something on your mind from the meeting Ba?”
“No, not from the meeting father.”
“I see. So, something else then? Well, we have a little bit of a walk before reaching home.” He sighed looking through the canopy to the sky. Slowing his pace to match my tired steps “There’s no harm in making it a little longer I suppose.”
I know it’s my turn to speak but I wait for a moment, wondering how to verbalize an internal guilt and frustration that has been building up ever since Hai’s death “Father… I’m sorry” I decide to work backwards with the apology. It’s easier to start with and I get to ease him into the idea that my thoughts are bad news.
“Hmm, well let me start at the end and say that anything you would need to apologize for I don’t hold against you. There, now that we know how this ends, I think it’s much easier to talk about your issue. Don’t you agree?”
I don’t know how he caught that so easily. Surely, he didn’t see through me just like that. Or maybe I am more like him than I realize. Regardless, being reminded just how much of a patient and understanding man my father is puts me a little at ease. I still decide to approach slowly.
“What would you do if Sua wasn’t interested in learning his roles in the village?”
“If he wasn’t interested hmm? I suppose if I had a son who was reluctant to take on his responsibilities…” He pauses and ponders the question deeply. Again, he sees right through my question and has no mercy in exposing it to me so I can see how ugly it is.
“Our duties, roles, and responsibilities are very important to our way of life. They are something that everyone either accepts or denies at some point in their life. Every village acknowledges this and ours is no exception. They are concepts that keep the very structure of our lives intact. So, for someone to question it or even abandon it is significant but not unheard of.” When he says this, I think of old man Cu. “There is a lot that needs to be done to take care of a home and family and that is why I have you and your brothers and sisters. But you also have each other in cases where one of you can’t fulfill your roles anymore. You have already experienced this, and you have been training Sua for the same purpose. As much as we hate to think about it, we should always be prepared for the worse case. That’s why we have each other, we look after each other.”
I think father purposefully skirted the question. He addressed what happens if someone leaves their responsibilities through an accident, but he was trying to see if I would ask about if someone deliberately left their roles in the village and our family. This was my conversation, so I took the bait “But what if someone left their roles and abandoned their duty?”
He already knew I was asking about this so he had his answer prepared “There is a proverb that goes with a rare case like `The soldier is born holding a sword; He goes into battle with a sword he has spent his life sharpening.’ It describes our duties and responsibilities. We are born already having a path laid out for us, but we need to prepare ourselves and assume those duties by our own choosing. It’s that choice that is key.”
As we continue home the path between villages are not clear-cut all the way through. The paths themselves are made from consistent foot traffic and they become more difficult to travel the farther away you are from each village. Sometimes you need to cut away portions of foliage to prepare for a larger group to pass but maintaining a clear path for a long time is difficult in the jungle. Our conversation begins to slow its pace as we focus more on navigating the jungle than talking. Ducking under low branches and looking for sound footing as we step over obstacles begins to demand more of our attention. It isn't difficult to travel; this is second nature to both of us, but as the sun sets it is still important to be aware of your surroundings. At a decent pace we should arrive home just as our village begins to end their work.
Our conversation trail off, but I know that my father understands what I wanted to say. My growing uneasiness and restlessness are almost unbearable now. I think I’ve made each member of my family at least somewhat aware of my feelings. I don’t think anyone actually expects me to leave the village, but for my entire life that one desire that has been getting so strong that I can’t bear it anymore. I feel the most guilt towards Sua now. It’s only thanks to him that I can leave with a small sense of reassurance at all. I don’t understand how we can be related but both feel so differently about life. In a strange way, I feel pity for what might just be naivety on his part but also respect for my younger brother who is stronger than I am and doesn’t doubt or hesitate in taking up his duties. I can’t bring myself to say goodbye to anyone, so I bring Sua along with me for one last lesson. He deserves that much at least.
Sua has learned everything I can teach him at this point so whenever we spend the day checking traps and hunting, I mostly follow his lead now and correct any small mistakes or oversights he makes. As always though, he takes criticism well and is very keen on the habits of animals and humans alike. He wastes no time addressing me as the day comes to an end.
“Ba, I think it's time to start heading back. We’ve spent most of the day traveling away from the village.” He looks at me for confirmation. I had followed his lead all day, so he spoke up to see if I had other plans before heading back.
“I think that’s a good idea Sua, how do you think today went?”
Sua always takes these questions too seriously. He thinks for a moment before giving me an answer he thinks I want to hear, “We will need to check some of the traps we set the other day on our way back, but I noticed you choose a route that skirts two other hamlets besides our own. We didn’t see any trace of something worth tracking down, but I don’t think we should be surprised by that,” He thinks for a moment trying to come up with more to say and then looks at me for a grade on his assessment.
“Very good Sua. Actually, I had some business to take care of in another village tomorrow and I was going to send you home while I stayed with their overseer tonight.” I had all day to come up with this lie but that didn’t make it any easier to abuse my status as his teacher or brother. “The reason I didn’t tell you was so that you would still put in the effort for today but not have to carry any large game back alone. Now you can clear the traps and not need to worry about any dangerous beasts on your way home.”
“I see, so this business is work you’ve inherited from father then?” Sua asked, trying to understand the situation exactly.
I didn’t miss this chance “That’s right Sua. I have been taking on more and more responsibilities from father as the head of the house.” I paused for a minute because I really had never thought about that before. I was just saying the first things that came to mind. “What I’m trying to say Sua, is that you are going to take my place with the younger men of the hamlets as our hunters and protectors.” The moment I said this I felt an enormous guilt crash over me. I looked at my younger brother’s face and I saw that I had him completely captivated. This was probably the happiest moment of his life and half of it was a lie. Someday I really was supposed to pass this duty...This sacred duty to Sua. This was supposed to be a significant event in his life and even if he didn’t understand it, I felt as though I was defiling this rite of passage.
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“Are you serious right now brother Ba?” He only asked because he was surprised but it was painful to hear him question my honesty. He ran up to me and hesitated for a moment before throwing his arms around me. “Thank you so much brother, I know I won’t let you down.” He jumped back just as quickly as he approached.
“Come on now, I’ve been training you for years now. I know you’re ready for this, so you don’t need to worry about letting anyone down” I know I’m not one to talk about expectations and disappointment, but these are the last moments I have to leave him with. “You’ve been training much harder than I did before I took over this responsibility. I’m already proud of you for that and I know everyone back home knows that you are ready to take on this duty.”
Just like that, we parted ways and Sua headed back to check on the traps we had set that morning. I wish I could have communicated my farewell better but as far as he knew I was going to see him in a few days once my business was over in the next village. I remained standing where he left me for several minutes wondering to myself if the time had really come and if I was truly ready. I turned my back toward the path home and began walking.
It seemed almost too easy to start like I did. It felt like nothing had changed. Just a normal journey through the same jungle I’ve always traveled through. I had nothing I needed to bring with me that I wouldn’t have needed for a normal hunting trip. Rations, tools for a shelter, and my hunting weapons were all I left with. The first night, I spent with the hamlet I had told Sua about. I hoped that would erase some of the guilt after our conversation. As the next few days go by, I leave a trail by visiting every other village so there would be no problem tracking my progress. The last thing I want is for my family to never really know what happened. Although it might just be best for me if I got caught by a beast right now. All the surrounding villages rely on each other for support, so it isn't an odd sight for me to travel from one to the other. In fact, many of the ones closer to home know me by name and the ones farther off, by my older brother’s lance.
I thought about leaving my lance with Sua. It seemed fitting since I inherited it from my brother when I took over his duties and I always expected that I would pass it down. When the time came though I guess I felt like I needed it for the journey. I’ve made up my mind now that it will be my only keepsake from home. I might change clothes, eat new foods, or even change my speech but this piece of home will be with me through it all.
After several days I reach a Redmane village. It’s the first sign that I really am leaving home. I’ve been here before but very few times. From what I understand this is the same hamlet we sought help from for my mother before she died so many years ago. My village is a long distance from the Redmanes so the fact that I’ve come to visit is occasion enough to be allowed to speak with their chieftain. I explain to him that I am leaving the jungle and that I am not expecting to return for some time. I need to ask him for the best way to navigate the northernmost parts of the jungle.
“Chief, I am looking for the best route to follow that will take me to the western side of the mountain range.” I remember the mountains are a divide between a large empty expanse to the east and the rest of the continent in the west. There is a strong river that feeds our entire jungle all the way to the ocean that also begins at these mountains. If I want to travel west, I need to find a way to either cross this river or navigate the delta before it converges upstream. “Crossing the mountains or the rivers are not something I can do without preparation. So, any guidance you can offer about either of the two would help a lot.”
The chieftain doesn't waste time thinking at all, “That shouldn’t be too much trouble for you, I’m sure. There is a bridge you can cross outside of the jungle that connects the east and west sides of the river before it gets too strong closer to the mountains. Just north of this village, you’ll reach one of the distributaries flowing directly from the main river. Follow it west and as it cuts north continue for a few more days. After that, you’ll reach the jungle’s clearing, and the mountains will be visible in the distance. At that point you’ll be on the east side of the river. Well outside of the jungle but before you reach the mountains, you’ll find the bridge that crosses the river.” he chuckles to himself, “if you reach the waterfall at the base of the mountain you’ve missed the bridge and gone a few days too far.”
Even though it wasn’t particularly amusing, I didn’t expect this man to make a joke. He’s definitely older than my own father and his silver hair and beard make him appear like some ancient being. I can't tell where his hair ends and where his beard begins. Redmanes earn their name well but the chief probably hasn’t had any color in his hair for some time. Even just sitting there in this stilted home I am reminded how much different the races can be. He is a little taller than a Sosun but almost twice my size in every other aspect. If I wasn’t confident in our race’s relationship, I'm not sure if I would ever enter a Redmane village.
The chief interrupts my thoughts as he continues. “You should rest here tonight. If you won’t be returning for some time then we’ll send you off with a belly full of food, and a head full of fond memories" He nods to one of the attendants by the entrance and they disappear outside.
I’m a little taken aback hearing someone else say it will be a while before I’m home again. This is the first conversation I've had with anyone about my real intentions. As I begin to head out behind the attendant, I get up and thank the chief for his help and remember one last thing.
“Chief... When I was a child someone I knew became very ill and passed away. I understand that it was this village that worked to help us save them. This might be the last opportunity I have to thank this village for their help. So yes, thank you very much for that.”
The chief thinks for a minute, he understands that for us it is a taboo to address the deceased too directly. “Redmanes consider it a duty to help the other humans living in the jungle. We find great pleasure and joy in helping the Redmanes, Orcans, and Sosuns alike. Unfortunately, there are times when we’re not able to help as much as we would like and, for as long as I’ve been chief of this village, I remember each of those instances.” It was comforting to hear that he remembers my mother from way back then. “You don’t have to worry about leaving anyone behind, Sosun. You are doing what needs to be done. While you are gone, we will continue to work together with the rest of your people just like we have always done. That’s what makes us all human anyway.”
I finally felt some comfort in what I had made up my mind to do. I still understood that my decision was controversial, but I found some comfort in knowing that life will go on even without me. It did for my mother when she left, it did when my brother died, and it will continue to do so long after all of us are gone. My sisters are working hard to run houses of their own, Sua has been well trained to handle anything life throws at him, and our father has always been a wise and understanding man. That’s right, I can rest easy knowing that things are just as they should be.
That night I enjoyed the food and hospitality of a Redmane feast and in the morning, they sent me off with fresh supplies and high spirits just as promised. True to his word I found the river and followed it west as it curved north. In two days', time I was greeted with a sight I had never seen before. The giant mountain range said to divide a third of the continent from the rest of the world was finally in sight. As the jungle ended, the clearing turned into rolling hills that gradually grew rougher in the distance as they transitioned to the mountains. There was supposed to be a waterfall farther along the way but from here I couldn’t see it. As I followed the river I was still on the east side and continued looking for the bridge that the chief mentioned. At around noon on the second day, I found the bridge over the giant river. A little sooner than I thought but just in time as thoughts of the chieftain's joke started to creep into the back of my mind worrying me about the idea of missing it somehow. With my mind now made up and a new peace about my decision, I stepped out of the jungle for the first time and took one final look toward home. Turning back to the new life ahead of me, I had no plans other than to travel west and learn as much as I could about my new world. Starting now, out of one hundred steps, this feels like my first.