It was finally happening. Deilin had never felt right in her body, and she didn't know why for the longest time. When she was still a child, any attempts at expressing the confusion she felt were brushed off on account of it being a “natural by-product of growing up”. She knew that wasn't the case, but she lacked the words to say otherwise.
Her family couldn't help.
With the onset of puberty, she thought she might have been gay as she found herself almost exclusively attracted to her male contemporaries. On the surface, it was the most rational explanation she could think of, especially as she had a few gay relatives acting as references. At the same time, she didn't feel comfortable labelling herself as gay. She was something else. She was different.
Her family tried to help by signing her up as a member of the Lapis Cadet Corps in Særis. With how beneficial it had been for each of her brothers, it was the most logical solution. They might have been right if she was anything like her brothers.
It was at the academy where she first met Landras and Ædarik. With their friendship, Deilin felt content for the first time in years — a happy delusion. They were just like her — confused teenagers who felt out of place. They left her behind.
She was still different.
It wasn’t until her first year at the Azure University that she started receiving answers from the most unlikely of sources — her newest friend, Davra. There was something about the younger woman's insight that was well and truly bizarre. She knew right away, but she didn’t say. Instead, she helped Deilin find the answer for herself.
The real kicker was when Davra invited her to a Cultural Anthropology lecture on the potential ramifications of Hormonal Resonance. Not only did the lecture touch on identity, but a section of it was given by the youngest daughter of the woman who discovered Hormonal Resonance by emulating the Miriel. She was there because her mother succeeded.
Following the lecture, Deilin started researching the Miriel and reports of people questioning their gender. It was all so familiar. The pain. The confusion. All of it.
She told Davra a few days later. Alena was next. She didn't know the Ferran girl as well as her other friends, but she was always generous and kind. She was also Davra's closest friend.
It took her months to tell Landras and Ædarik as she was scared of how they might react. She didn't want to damage their friendship, especially when she still had questions. Without Davra and Alena encouraging her, it might have taken years.
Landras was rather slow on the uptake, but he meant well. Meanwhile, Ædarik adapted almost instantly. He told Deilin she was still the same girl he had always known, even if he was only just now realising it. Deilin managed to respond without blushing too much, but she practically squealed gleefully into her pillow when she returned to her room.
Then there was her family. With how they treated her when she was still a child, she expected more of the same. In reality, they welcomed her with open arms. They also apologised for their ignorance. Had they known, they would have done more to help. Now they were making up for lost time.
Not only did her parents help with registering her new name, they moved to the capital so that they could support her. Part of this included finding a gender specialist who was able to provide guidance for Deilin as she started her transition.
She was Deilin.
A lot happened in the months that followed, from starting her third year at the University to receiving her first dose of supplemental hormones. Then there was the whole situation with Ashlin's birthday and Ædarik's attempt at being a hero, which ultimately resulted in Queen Elarin of Llen Færa giving Deilin the chance to experience Hormonal Resonance at a clinic in Særis. She had always thought it a pipe dream, even with her parents promising to pay for it when they had the chance, but it was actually happening. Her consultation was about to begin.
*****
The consultation room was divided into two zones. One side was reserved for medical exams, while the other, more welcoming side had space for lengthy consultations. Deilin found herself on the comfier side, talking to the people who were there to guide her through the procedure — a human physician and a Mirieli dreamer.
It was the human who spoke first. “Good afternoon, Lady Deilin. It is an honour to be speaking with you. I am Doctor Marik, a specialist in harmonic endocrinology, and this is my associate, Avis Aliriel Dorn. They are here to help prepare your mind for the physical changes Hormonal Resonance will bring, should you wish to proceed.”
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“Thank you for seeing me so soon,” Deilin said.
“It is no bother,'' the Miriel replied. Their voice was not only soft and mellow, but also dark and husky. “We are happy to aid those who are lost in finding themselves.”
“Avis Dorn is correct,” Doctor Marik confirmed. “Shall we get started?”
Deilin nodded. “Please.”
“Okay then. First things first, can you tell me what you hope to gain from this consultation?”
“I'm not sure. I know that I want this, but I don't know who I'll be on the other side.”
“That's simple,” Aliriel interjected. “Though your body may change, your mind and soul will remain the same.”
Deilin wasn't sure if the Miriel was helping or hindering. Whatever their purpose, it was as if they were doing both, but also neither — a paradox of thought. It was not something Deilin wished to focus on.
“It is normal to still have questions,” Marik told her. “Only the soul knows who we truly are. In some cases, that ideal may shift to match the reality we observe, but in some cases, our bodies go in a direction we know is wrong. This can be, as you rightly know, highly disconcerting, and often traumatic. The purpose of Hormonal Resonance is to guide your body into alignment with your soul.”
“So I've heard,” Deilin replied. “I've been reading up on how it all works for a while now.”
“A wise move. It can be quite daunting for some people when we present them with all the information for the first time.”
“I can imagine. From what I've read, it's fairly involved.”
“In a sense, yes. We'll be going over everything to make sure you understand. Before we do, however, you should know that you can withdraw from the treatment at any time and will not proceed until you give your signed consent.”
“Is there any particular reason why I might withdraw in the middle of treatment?” Deilin interjected. Complications aside, she couldn’t fathom why someone might willingly back out of treatment after already starting.
“It varies from person to person. What matters is that you have the option, even if we don't typically recommend it. Do you have any questions before we start?”
Deilin responded without too much thought. “Do you have much experience with Hormonal Resonance Therapy?”
“A fair question,” Marik responded. “This will be my thirty-first consultation as primary. I'm a second-generation specialist.”
“I have aided fifty-nine souls in guiding their bodies home,” Aliriel added.
“Okay then. I don't think I have any other questions.”
Marik smiled and said, “Right on. As you already know, Hormonal Resonance Therapy is meant to emulate how the Miriel transition between their various forms, be they male, female, or non-binary. The sequence of Resonance Arrays that we use have been designed to allow the soul to make limited alterations to the body.”
“How limited are we talking?”
“That will depend mostly on your genetics and how far you are willing to go.”
The answer surprised Deilin. “It will?” she asked.
“Yes. As far as genetics are concerned, Hormonal Resonance Therapy can only make use of your existing genome and the necessary alterations required for you to start expressing traditionally feminine traits. The base level is limited to expressing those traits as you are now, meaning very little change. We typically don't recommend this for people who have already finished puberty. The next level typically results in you looking like you might have done if your experience with puberty was more in line with your gender. Finally, we have what I like to call the resolute level.”
“Why's that?”
“Where the hypothetical puberty of the intermediate level is tied to your actual experience with it, the resolute treatment plan goes one step further by creating even stronger harmonies. This can be incredibly painful if your soul wants you to be either a fair bit shorter or the reverse. It is also our first step towards overcoming the current limitations of Hormonal Resonance.”
“We cannot change our height so freely,” Aliriel interjected. Deilin felt they were most likely talking about the Miriel, but it was impossible to be completely sure.
“Quite. Your sponsor has authorised the release of enough funds to cover any option you desire.”
“How long will the treatment take?”
“It will depend on which option you choose. Each session will be three hours long, and you will need to come every two weeks until you are satisfied. Alternatively, you can go for seven-hour sessions every four weeks. The base level typically takes two months with a six-month check-up. Meanwhile, the resolute level could take upwards of a year, depending on how receptive you are to the changes. Speaking of which, I shall pass the focus to Avis Dorn so that they can inform you of all the changes you might experience.”
Aliriel was happy to oblige. The level of detail in which they described the changes was rather intense. Deilin made note of all of them. She didn't want to be blindsided by any unusual happenings.
The consultation lasted for another hour before Deilin finally signed her consent for the procedure. She was informed she would need to stop taking her hormonal supplements for at least a week before she could start treatment. She had opted for the resolute treatment plan and the biweekly sessions. The wait was almost over.