Date: March 31st, 2022
I didn't go to college today as well. Wow, how surprising. At this point, I am not even disappointed. Because, you need to have expectations or hope to get disappointed which i have none. At least, I am still writing this "diary".
So, good news. I found out what my sexuality is. For the longest time, I had simply no idea what my sexuality is. Mostly because I had no interest in sex or more specifically doing the sex. I knew I wasn't asexual because I get turned on by the most random of things. I knew that I didn't care about the gender of a person as long as I lived them and they loved me. So, I thought I was a pansexual but that still didn't make sense. Because I felt disgusted by the very thought of sex even though I would masturabate and jerk off 2,3,4...5...times a day. Ahem, anyways...
Finally after a long time, I found that there is a term that explains my situation perfectly. Aegosexual. Yes, I am aegosexual. It is a subdivision of asexual.
Then again, I do hate any sort of physical contact. Even though I don't act like it. Heck, there are times where I have been the one to initiate physical touch. That's basically me trying to fit in. Now that I am writing this, this feels so stupid. Why do I have to confirm to what society thinks is right? Yeah, that's stupid.
Talking about physical contact, I teach tuition to two kids. Okay, that sounded wrong. What I mean to say is, I hate kids and they are also too touchy. Anyways, one of the kids is an 8 year old. And.. My attention is slipping away.
So, the 8 year old, like any other kid, is playful, naughty and a little too cheerful and excited for my comfort. But, temptation of chocolate and a fake promise of a beating incase he doesn't comply, does the job.
The real problem here is the 14 year old.
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Date: April 2nd 2022
So, today is April 2nd, two days after the previous writing. I didn't write anything yesterday and couldn't even complete the previous writing. No surprise there.
Anyways, the older kid is a teenager and that in itself already explains majority of my problem. The reason I am writing about this is mainly because of the lack of respect he shows. I get it, a soft spoken introverted guy isn't the most intimidating guy. Heck, leave alone the 14 year old hormonal teenager, even other people assume me to be someone that could be stepped on and disrespected. But what they don't know about me is that I am a genius psychopath who loves killing people. Just joking.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
So, my solution to the problem is speaking less but sounding firm and strict. Which doesn't really get the job done considering the fact that I would slip back to my usual tone, time and again.
At least I am trying and not giving up.
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Yesterday was April 1st. I have to say, I missed being pranked by my friends. Reason: being a loner with 0 friends. Well, not quite. I do have friends but they are all introverted just like me. How we came to be friends is an unanswered question to all of us. I miss having extroverted friends who would always pester me.
Friends
What are friends? I have asked this question to myself way too many times. I have had many friends. That is, back when I wasn't as depressed as I am now. Although, I have always been an introvert. Even if I was close to them, I also didn't really care about them too much. I don't know what that says about me. I would always get exhausted as hell even though I enjoyed their company. I knew that I just wasn't made for that shit.
My family, we would constantly move to different places. So, I never had the time to form strong and stable friendships. In fact, I was afraid to. Because sooner or later, I would have to say goodbye to them forever. That basically created this thin barrier between me and any of my friends. Even though I have a very close friend nowadays, I still feel that barrier at times.
It's thin, transparent and even flexible but it's still there. So, more often than not, I find myself retreating back into my own depressed headspace. However, she is a very good friend. I should say best friend... She is also introverted and has her own share of problems. But, she is like a better version of me. More friends, more sociable, still goes to college, goes out for fun and has a relatively well off family. I must admit that I have NOT been jealous of her. I know, shocking. One would think I'd be jealous of her.
Anyways, last night, I sent her a disgusting video as friends do. And she reacted with disgust, like I expected her to. What I didn't expect was the word "tero".
For those who use "you" to address other people, in my country we have different word to address to different people. Hajur or tapai is used to address older people. Timi is used to address people of similar age. Lastly, ta or tero is used to address younger people.
Tero is also used for people you don't respect. However, it is also used to address close friends. It basically signifies that the concerned parties are very close friends. When she used the word tero, I wasn't ready. So my mind immediately misunderstood it for the former. Of course, I had already known that she used it to address me like how a friend would.
Obviously, that didn't prevent my mood from dampening. I just get shocked how such a simple thing could make one so sad. Even though you know it's just your own brain.
Well, this is it for today.