Date: March 3rd 2022

So, today's the first day of writing a diary. I use the term diary very loosely here. I don't care about what I write or how I do it. I just want to write.

Today, I am listening to Emma Chamberlain's podcast: Anything goes, for the first time. I am also realizing that I can't listen to the podcast and write at the same time. But hey... let's try. My hand is also starting to ache. Most probably the result of not having written anything for a long while. I am also starting nose breathing from today. I don't know till when though.

So, this is how this is going to go. I am going to write whatever I want. Not going to care about the grammar, structure or even context for that matter. I am just going to write.

Let's talk about failure. Talk as in write. I don't know what to write. I have been feeling like a failure for the past five years of my life now.

Ms. Rabbit, would you please stop licking me and disturbing me.

I am trying to do better. Trying is the key word here. So, first year of art college. Haven't been to a single class or done a single assignment for that matter. I should go tomorrow but I don't think I will. While I am writing this, I am also thinking about whether I will keep on doing this. Because, I am a "perfectionist" who is also a procrastinator. It's ironic, I know. So, if I end up not doing this tomorrow, I wouldn't really be surprised but I would be very disappointed at myself. So without further delay, let's start? I mean I have already written almost an entire page.

I am an introvert. I am also an Aries. Now, some might say that doesn't add up. Well, I don't know. Maybe it's because my mom had been over controlling my entire life? Maybe because my confidence has been lowering? Or maybe because I only see darkness waiting for me in the future? Damn, I am already starting to tear up. Yeah, I'm depressed, aren't I? Although that does fit the stereotypical trait of an Aries being a crybaby. Maybe I should post this on web novel. You know what, let's not. (well, that went well. At least it's on royal road and not on web novel.)

I am panicking a little. Who am I kidding, I am panicking... A LOT. My family... we're not really well off. If anything, we're in debt. But it's not like we can't get out of it. My mom is a single mom who is also the sole breadwinner of the family. But I and my sis are also perfectly capable of earning and helping out. But here lies the problem. My sis is probably just as depressed as me. Also, where we live, depression isn't even a thing. People don't care about mental health until they suddenly go crazy. So, anyways... my sis could probably get a good paying job and help out. But me... not too sure about that.

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Throughout much of my school life, I had always been a good student, a topper, one might even say. And as it always goes, a good student is supposed to...

So, I just returned back from toilet and my rabbit had proceeded to start eating up the page. My life... as always. People should use this as an excuse whenever teacher asks for homework. Probably more believable.

...supposed to study science or some shit and become a scientist, engineer, doctor, blah blah blah. But here's the thing I had no idea what to do. I still don't. A teenager is supposed to know. Surprise...they don't. I did choose science though.

But I started exploring other options. So, I had always...well, not always but I did write a lot. So I thought, 'hey...why not be a writer'. Don't get me wrong. I didn't want to be one out of the blue. I had been reading novels and mangas for a long while now and I noticed that some newbie writers were earning 1000$ or more each month by posting on patreon. Of course, I knew I was not even close to being as good as them. But in my country, 1000$ dollars is a lot. A LOT.

So, I started writing. I didn't post anything on patreon for the first time, obviously. I just posted it on webnovel. My very first novel: "Reincarnated as a rose in a cultivation world" . I had some sentimental, as in stupid reasons to write this. Well, that went well. I abandoned it completely after my procrastination reared its head.

So, I wrote a fanfiction the next time. After taking months off that is. "In MHA as Elixir". So, the very first week after having posted some extra chapters in patreon, I got three patrons which meant about 9-12$ per month. Not much but you got to start somewhere right. And that would have been fine if not for our dear old friend Mr. Procrastination. Now when I think back on it, it's probably my depression that is the cause of my procrastination. Or, it could just be pure laziness for that matter. Also, I struggled every day just to write a new chapter because, I had already lost any passion for the story. As a result, my writing quality also degraded.

I know that if I had kept on writing and not given up, I would have probably earned more. I had also just finished my finals for grade 12. Due to lock down... I don't know where I am trying to go with this. The thing is, throughout 11 and 12, I stopped going to school as much. I was lazy, depressed and mostly insecure. All of which I still am. Not only did this make me sad and miserable, it also caused my family a whole lot of problems. Anyways, I hid myself in a shell as much as possible and stopped studying, socializing and taking care of myself. Result..well I somehow passed my grade 12 exams.

But I had no intentions to chose science or anything complex for my bachelor degree. Mostly cuz I had already completely wasted my mom's money and I knew that I would probably waste even more.

You know... I am starting to get tired, bored and exhausted physically and mentally. So...there's that. I don't know if I'll even write tomorrow but...even if I did I don't know what I'll write.