“I’m sorry,” I say. “I acted inappropriately, in a manner unbecoming a captain, and you can rest assured that such a show of arrogance and a lack of consideration will not be repeated.” The face staring back at me is skeptical, unconvinced. “I offer my sincere apologies for my undignified behavior. In the future, I will conduct myself with restraint,” I say. But even the mirror doesn’t buy it. I sigh in frustration. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to be sincere. Speak from the heart. I head out of my quarters and down the hall. Here goes nothing.

The door in front of me opens. Just be honest, Jahdra. I clear my throat and begin.

“I’m sorry,” kind of. “About back on the bridge,” when I lost my shit. “And, well…everything else,” all the other times I lost my shit. “I—” I don’t know what to say.

It’s hard to find the right words. How do I get out what I’m really trying to say without sounding like I’m just making up excuses?

“I’m trying my best,” I say with a sigh. It sounds pitiful, contrived, but it’s true. I am trying my best. I’m trying to protect myself and my ship. I’m trying to be a decent captain, for whatever it’s worth.

Shae twists her mouth into a reluctant smile. It’s not like I expect her to forget the fact that I’ve more or less ignored her the entire time she’s been on my ship, but she could at least acknowledge that I’m making a genuine attempt to apologize here. We’re going to be docking at Pajorat Prime soon, and I have no clue who or what we’re going to run into down there. I’d feel a lot better if we could all find a way to trust each other, at least enough to deal with whatever predicament we find ourselves in next. If we can get on the same page, we’ll have much better odds of staying out of trouble.

“I know I haven’t exactly been…forthcoming about a lot of things,” I say. It’s hard to admit. Not because it’s untrue, but because I feel justified in the things I’ve been hiding.

“I think we’re both gonna have to agree to be a little more open,” but there are some things I plan on keeping to myself. “Do you think you can meet me halfway here?”

Shae shifts uncomfortably.

I think I’m starting to see what’s going on here.

When it comes to keeping secrets, there are two kinds of people: the ones who lie their asses off, like me, and the ones who clam up. I’m guessing Shae’s the latter. And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. It’s not necessarily that she doesn’t trust me, it’s that she doesn’t trust herself. Keeping quiet is a defense mechanism, the only way to guarantee she won’t slip up and say too much.

When I think about it that way, I can’t be mad at her. We all accumulate secrets over time—ones that aren’t our own. And giving away someone else’s secret feels so much worse than giving away your own.

“Hey,” I say with a gentle smile. “I’m not asking for all your deepest darkest secrets. I know that you’ve probably made some promises, agreed to keep certain things to yourself, and I understand that you want to keep your word. I get it. But if these secrets of yours put this ship or anyone on it in danger, you better speak up.” It comes out harsher than I intended. Man, I’ve really got to work on my people skills.

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“Let me rephrase that,” I say, putting my hands up. “If there’s anything important I should know, I’m trusting you to tell me. But for now, I’d be happy just to get to know you a little.”

Shae looks at me for a minute, considering my request. Her shoulders rise as she takes a deep breath and drop as she exhales.

“I’m a cybernetics specialist,” she says at last. “My work focuses on developing and directing the implementation of new advances in neural networking and nanotechnology, among other things.”

I stand there, dumbfounded. I mean, I had a pretty good idea she was smart—after all, it’s only stupid people who have trouble keeping their mouths shut—but I had no idea she was some kind of super scientist. I’m equally impressed and shocked. Shae looks at me, waiting for some kind of reply.

“So, what are the other things?” I ask.

Shae laughs.

“Well, I’m a pretty damn good electrician.”

An electrician, huh? That could come in handy. Maybe I’ll ask her to help me check the engine systems once we’ve landed.

“Nice to meet you, Shae, the cybernetic specialist,” I say, extending my hand. Shae takes it with a smile.

One down, one to go. And I’ve managed to save the worst for last. Byer isn’t in his quarters, which means he’s probably in the rec room buried under a pile of books. I peek in the doorway and see him sprawled across the sofa, a book held a few centimeters from his face and another dozen or so lying on the floor next to him.

“Can I help you, Captain?” he asks without looking away from the page.

I take a deep breath. Just get it over with. Like ripping off a band-aid, I tell myself.

I step into the doorway on the far side of the room and steel myself.

“I’m sorry,” I say, spitting the words out before I can change my mind.

He lowers the book and looks over at the doorway, considering me for a minute before speaking.

“Anything else?” he asks.

I can feel my blood pressure rising. “Yeah, there’s something else,” I want to say. “Why don’t you get in your little spaceship and fly away so I don’t have to deal with your petulant attitude anymore?” Seriously, why can’t he just accept my apology like a normal person? I mean, shouldn’t he be apologizing to me?

I fold my arms across my chest and shake my head. Don’t do it, Jahdra. Don’t engage the enemy. Just walk away. You tried.

I shouldn’t have expected anything from him. He’s never going to change. He’s just going to torture me as long as he’s on my ship, and the best I can hope for is that our interactions remain as limited as possible. Whatever. I let out a sigh and turn to leave.

“Hey,” he says before I can go.

I turn back reluctantly. I’m not about to get my hopes up, but maybe he’s changed his mind after all.

“Can you hand me that one?” he asks, pointing to a book on the table a few meters away.

I roll my eyes but walk over to the table and grab the book anyway, looking down at the cover as I pick it up. Foucault’s Pendulum. Interesting choice. It’s one of my favorites, but I’m not about to volunteer that information.

I walk over to where Byer’s made himself comfortable on the sofa, his head propped up on the armrest, and hold out the book. He doesn’t take it right away, instead holding my gaze for a long moment. His eyes search my face. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but it’s somehow hard to break away, like his gaze has somehow fixed me to the spot. The longer I stand there, the more stuck I feel. God, I wish he’d just say something instead of staring at me.

“Ten minutes remaining until destination.” I feel myself jump, startled by the sudden sound of Chrys’s voice over the speaker. I expect the book to fall to the floor with a thud, but Byer’s hand is already firmly wrapped around it.

“I gotta go,” I say, heading out the door as fast as I can and making my way back to the bridge.

I walk briskly down the hall, unable to shake the strange feeling that’s settled over me.

“Chrys, get ready to drop anchor,” I say as I cross the bridge and lower myself into the command chair.

The sooner we can all get off this ship, the better.