A pair of suns blazed high in the sky, hurling heatwaves at me as if they had a personal vendetta, while the constant, nonsensical shouting behind me only made the air thicker and hotter. Yet, despite all that, my balls were trembling with cold.
When I pushed through the swarm of stinky, sweaty, green-skinned gym bros, finally finding my seat in the front row of the VIP section. That’s when I realized I’d really fucked this one up. But hey, at least I wasn’t stuck in the center seats.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m an idiot. Who joins a stranger’s cult just because he seemed nice, and we happened to hit it off after some quick get-to-know-you moments? And as if that weren’t enough, the guy even gave me a gift, a two piece Lego set, who could resist that.
That idiot me Not only did I swallow the bait, but I practically wrapped it around my neck, jumped into the boat, and flopped right into the ice cooler.
It couldn’t have been more than an hour from when I woke up to when I met that magnificent, muscular son of a bitch, and in a mere 10 to 15 minutes of back-and-forth conversation, he had effortlessly groomed me.
No, wait, scratch that. He didn’t even need to lift a finger, I did all the work myself. Where’s my money, Lebowski?
Accidentally joining a cult on your first day of college? Understandable.
Getting invited to cult-member-only exclusive party on the same day as your initiation? Awesome.
A senior member hinting there’d be intense action at the party and gave you some protection so you can go wild? Fantastic.
Got AIDS. Shit.
---MC's Thoughts---
I am overwhelmed by the sheer number of audiences here, so time to cook up some plans and get the fuck out of here. Now I don't want to stand out like a sore thumb or, worse, like those assholes who keep checking their cellphones during the movie in a cinema! in full-blown brightness!
Now, I have to figure out how to leave the 'front row VIP seats' without being too conspicuous.
Honestly, I really have no fucking idea what the hell is going on; I don't even know what to do with these pair of large bones in my hands. My 'instincts' is telling me I need it to bonk for later, while my inner 'me' is telling me I need to get the fuck out of here.
Now, maybe inner 'me' is just a bit overreacting. Maybe all of this fuss and this crowd were just here to see some rap battle or a dance contest or a singing contest or a cosplay convention, or maybe they are handing out a limited number of free beers, hence the pushing and pulling.
But inner 'me' is telling me to get my green-naked-sunburned-ass out of here ASAP lest I regret it later. That very same inner 'me' who by the why hinted I should follow that magnificent son of a bitch because its my canon. Now, that very same inner 'me' is contradicting everything, and I still have no idea what the hell is this canon.
Though I admit I was very skeptical at first, I was actually quite optimistic for the free beer, which kind of explains the tight security on the opposite side. But inner 'me' didn't need to do any sort of convincing because, for a second thought, I seriously have no fucking idea what the fuck is a 'beer', a 'movie'', or a 'cellphone'. All I know is inner 'me' is like a crack addict on withdrawal, and 'me' needs his daily dose of entertainment or 'me' is going to start acting crazy. By the way, what the fuck is crack?
Damn it, Why are there so many familiar and unfamiliar words in my head, it's hard to stay focus!
Anyway, let's stop these nonsense thoughts and get back on track. So, how do I leave the venue without drawing too much attention? If possible, leave quietly.
OK, after a few seconds of much deliberation, the inner 'me' has decided to step up and come up with a brilliant plan. According to 'me', if I want, to quickly and quietly leave are I just have to go kill myself. Dude, that just went a dark turn.
I mean, 'me' isn't wrong if I really need to just get out of here, but let's not get carried over here, 'me'. After all, 'me' isn't himself when 'me' isn't getting his daily dose of cat videos, memes, or hentai.
Alright, so let's cross out 'me's' plan for the meantime. Also, don't get me wrong 'me' I do appreciate you care enough to share some of your ideas, though somewhat dark, but what's important was the intent to help, Ok, continue, umm... uh... anybody?
You know what? Let's place 'me's' plan to plan zero. I have this premonition that what ever is the outcome, 'me's' plan would have the last laugh.
It's not what I was expecting, but credit is where it's due. Great job, 'me', for umm... uh... for the effort.
image [https://i.imgflip.com/90pk5m.jpg]
Alright, so let's continue, hmm... uh... Observing the crowd of gym-bros behind me, if I squeeze my way back the same way I got here, maybe there's a chance, although it may be harder than I thought if the crowd has grown in size since.
And this is going to be painful. Speaking of pain, the previous cut wounds are healing quite fast; most of the cuts are already scabbing. My whole body is damn itchy though; my instincts are telling me to eat the scabs, and my inner 'me' says that's disgusting, and get myself tested for tetanus and for other infections. I, for one, agree with 'me' on this one.
Shit, I'm getting lost again. Alright, let's call this plan A. How do I execute it? I got it. Step one: squeeze my way back. Step two: try to maintain a straight path. Step three:? Step four: profit. Perfect!
This is agent Boeing Hitman calling HQ; I'm going in.
image [https://i.imgflip.com/90plq0.jpg]
Just act natural, agent; just blend in; remember your training; perfect. This is agent to HQ; it smells like someone died down here, and why the hell is the ground so muddy?Christ Almighty, its so clustered in here, I could hardly breath, and when I do get to breath, it feels like wearing an oxygen mask hosed to an ass.
Ouch!... Ouch!... Ouch!...
I swear these sharp bones are going to be the end of me. Unless I suffocate first, it explains why most of the gym-bros are so tall; the short ones have already died from suffocation. Survival of the tallest, 'me' said.
Ouch!... Ouch!... Ouch!...
This is agent Boeing Hitman calling HQ. I seem to have glimpsed some light in front of me down here. I'm taking my chances and moving in.
Seeing what seemed to be the edge of this clustered fuck of a mess and relieving my suffering for the chance of getting out of this shithole, I mustered what seemed to have remained of my willpower and decided to take one deep breath and rush out.
After inhaling through my mouth, I felt like a smoker who smoked six packs a day for sixty years, and I'm sixty years old!
I gritted my teeth as I pushed and squeezed my way out; since I was in a hurry, my body drastically inflicted more cut wounds.
Seeing the light expanding in front of me, I started to franticly move while I was holding my breath. I don't want to stay here even a second longer; I don't want to heave another dose of Satan's fart.
Like a student holding his shit all the way from school to his house, when he's finally almost there, the muscle tension starts to relax; it's a losing battle.
My chest was convulsing, trying to get some air, but I held it in. As I squeezed and pulled myself out, I finally managed to exit and grasp for air. After running a 300-meter dash, I was grasping fast and hard, like an athlete. Though it still smells, it was bearable.
As I was gathering my bearings, I surveyed my surroundings. My inner 'me' once thought that who's dumb enough to get lost in the woods and go in circles for hours? Just bring a satellite GPS, lol.
Well, I may not have been in the woods, but I sure did lose my way from that pile of clustered gym-bros behind me, and I'm back where I fucking started! Even better! I somehow squeezed my way back at the CENTER! Of the VIP front row! PERFECT! FUCK!
image [https://i.imgflip.com/90ppeh.jpg]
I'm feeling pretty nervous right now. I can feel the increasing tension on both sides; it's just a matter of time before shit hits the fan. We need to cook a new plan ASAP! My inner 'me' has kindly offered to reconsider plan zero. I politely declined and opted to keep looking for another way out.
Then I paused, and then it finally hit me. I felt embarrassed by the simplicity of the revelation. Can't I just fucking walk to the side and leave from there?
Christ! I'm a fucking idiot! My inner 'me' highly suggests following plan zero and sparing us of my stupidity, and my instinct strongly agrees with 'me'.
This experience shall forever be etched in my memory, and I will be forever reminded and tormented when I lay down on the bed and close my eyes.
Alright, enough with the self-mockery.
OK, so plan B. Now, how do I execute it this time? Should I just walk like it's a green light? No, that's way too conspicuous. The gym-bros behind me aren't actually moving from one place to another; they are just howling, growling, and taunting from where they stood. They aren't really moving around, except for those who just squeeze their way into the front row.
How about crawling? Then I looked at the ground. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Now I know why the ground was so muddy; this whole time, I was standing on piss and shit. It took a glance at my feet... I shouldn't have done that, and now I regret it even more. I felt disgusted, but maybe due to some semblance with the gym-bros, I didn't feel like vomiting, although it's still fucking disgusting.
If I were a worm, I would have dove and rolled on the ground without a moment's notice. Lavish in all you can eat buffet; unfortunately, I am not. So, that leaves us with no choice; crouching it is.
So, after a few seconds of deliberation, I decided to head left. As for why, there's no reason at all. Now I'm in a crouching stance and slowly moving forward. My inner 'Me' then remembered a word, the Streisand effect. The Streisand effect is a phenomenon in which an attempt to censor, hide, or otherwise draw attention away from something only serves to attract more attention to it.
Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.
For what it's worth, I tried, and I don't care anymore. Either I get out of here or apply plan zero-point-one, not to kill myself but to get myself killed in the process. In courtesy of 'me' for providing a contingency plan at a moment's notice.
As I attempted plan B in my poorly executed crouching stance, the gym-bros next to me started to quiet down and lowered the weapons they had been waving high up since I arrived here. It is needless to say that I highly regard them for their determination. Confused by my bizarre behavior, even I can feel the other side's piercing gaze at me. I actually thought that since I already got caught, I might as well just walk or run so I could finally leave the area, but I'm way too deep.
Anyway, as I continued to make a fool of myself, I remained stoic and continued to move. But as already expected, some of them couldn't just mind their own fucking business.
"What are you doing?"
A 7.1-foot-tall gym-bro grabbed my head and lifted me up, leaving my body dangling and my exposed dingdong on full display to the crowd. And he was kind enough to parade me around so the others at the back could see clearly. I could see Nord VPN and Skill Share PR managers winking at me. Plan zero wasn't so bad after all.
While he was gripping my head in one hand, I instinctively grabbed his hand in an attempt to get away from his clutches, much to my horror!
Seeing my devastated and scared expression, the 7.1-foot-tall gym-bro grinned, showing more of his out-of-place orange teeth. Speaking of teeth, I found the guy who used the toothpaste recommended by that one dentist on every toothpaste commercial.
"HAHAHA! Come on, Skann, stop scaring the pupper; he's probably not even a year old."
"Ha! I just find his behavior irritating!"
"Well, the pupper looks like he knows nothing at all, but I see a warrior in him, drawn to his calling, who got himself here."
"Hmm... this... you, stay next to me, watch and learn how we do things here, and stop fooling around or I'll break your neck."
Skann, the 7.1-foot-tall gym-bro, just placed me next to him. Like a crane unloading a load. While they were talking about me, I wasn't in the mood to listen, as a devastating blow had just occurred.
I am BALD? No, to be precise, the top of my head is bald, whereas I still have hair on the sides.
Fuck, why is this happening to me?
"Boy, what are you spacing out for? Raise your weapons and wave them around. Then start cursing at them. A piece of advice, more feelings, more flavor."
Feeling a bit down, I gave up on trying to leave the place and just accepted my peace. Wanting to join the fray, I just remembered I can't speak well; in fact, I don't even know how to speak.
'Me', on the other hand, just told me he got my back and leave it to'me'.'me' says years of playing MOBA and Rank Multiplayer games had molded 'me' for the right occasion.
I placed my trust in my inner 'me' and gave 'me' full control. I took a deep breath, stretched my tongue and muscle-jaw, and blurted out random words that came to mind. For some reason, my instinct also joined the fray. Every time words popped into my head, I kept talking and talking, but what I'm actually saying doesn't match the words in my head.
"Ommitted with feelings and flavor."
So what's happening is that I'm currently frantically waving my weapons up in the air while spitting curse after curse like a machine gun without a care, relieving my stress and accepting my situation.
While all of this was happening, tension on both sides finally reached its peak. Then I heard the sounds of drums and horns reverberating from the opposite side, followed by a series of whooshing sounds. Such spectacles would be etched in the days to come. Witnessing a number of shadows fly up to the sky, creating some sort of blanket, covering the skies, and shielding my naked body from the heat from the two suns sent shivers not only to my balls but all over my body.
Oh, I wish to see the pair of suns again, so I closed my eyes.
Or NOT!
"THIS ISN'T MY CANON AT ALL!" I screamed. I didn't know what got into me, but something was different right at that moment. Something changed.
No! I know what happened. For the first time, I felt a very comfortable feeling, not because I pissed myself seeing those arrows coming at me, but because, for the first time, there was one voice.
"Leeerooooo- Cough! Cough! Cough!" Fuck, my throats dry from all of that cursing.
FUCK IT!
While Skann, that son of a bitch in the forest, and the rest of the gym-bros were still absentmindedly staring at the incoming volley of arrows from the sky, I screamed, waved my weapons, and charged towards the wall of shields without care.
"CHAARGE!"
---Dear Diary My First Kiss---
Witnessing a lone naked-tanned-assed orc charging towards the other side and screaming until his throat could no longer emit a sound had knocked some sense on them. They could argue that either way, they would still react on time, but no one can deny that with the naked orc's distraction, they were a second faster to react, especially those in the front row.
"CHAAAaaaaaa.........." My voice finally ran out of juice. I continued to charge without hesitation. I reluctantly took a quick glance behind me, and seeing there was no one following, I accepted my fate. Well,
image [https://i.imgflip.com/90q3az.jpg]
More than halfway through the distance, I could now feel the oppressive aura of the shield wall in front of me. I have long stopped randomly waving my weapons and holding them firmly. Then I suddenly heard the same sound of horns and drums reverberating behind the shield wall, and within seconds I witnessed another volley of arrows flying up, aiming for the sky. I could feel the shadow of the arrows passing through me.
Arrows at the back, shield wall at the front, bring it on!
My momentum didn't stop, and just as I was a few meters away, I felt the same tremors once again from the forest, where I gained consciousness and met that son of a bitch. That is when I saw Skann and the rest of the orcs overtaking me.
"Faster, pupper!" Skann commented as he overtook me. It didn't take a second for Skann and the others to charge towards the shield wall; since I was a bit slower, I witnessed up close the initial impact of both sides.
The soldiers behind the shield wall, with the support of their companions behind them, were pushed a few steps back, and with their protection from the shields, they only suffered minor bruises; the unlucky ones had fractures. After the impact, they managed to regain their bearing and hold the line.
Meanwhile, the orcs were in the worst condition. Before the initial engagement, most of the orcs took out their spare weapons and threw them randomly above the shield wall. Screams of agony followed after, and then, with the use of their size and momentum, they charged right through the shield wall. Most of the orcs broke a bone or two upon impact, and based on that charge's impact strength, although the wall remained standing, the soldiers behind those shields were probably suffering.
The rest of the orcs at the back followed behind right after another, and once again congested was formed. The orcs couldn't use their numbers to surround the soldiers due to the terrain; a choke point was created from the large gap between the two mountains, and the soldiers' side had enough manpower to cover all the gaps. As I arrived, there was already an orc trying to break through the shield wall with his bone club, but the shield remained still, and while all of this was happening, the arrows from the back continued to rain down on our rear. Upon observation, some of the orcs in front and next to me had snapped arrows pierced on their shoulder or chest but remained indifferent to the injuries. Suddenly, a new type of horn sound, without the accompaniment of drums, reverberated behind the shield wall.
Drum rolls reverberated from the soldier's side, without the accompaniment of the horn instrument.
"REEEAAADYYYY!" A few humanoids at the back stressed call in synchronization with the drum rolls, then followed by another loud stressed call and a short call right after, "STEEEAAAADYYYY! PUSH!" Then, without delay, all the soldiers bearing the large shields exclaimed at the same time in synchronization with the drum hit. "AHOOO!" All the soldiers at the front lunged their shields forward, knocking back all the orcs trying to pry open the shield wall, and with precision, ingrained in their muscle, blood, and DNA, swiftly thrust their variant spear.
The variant spear is composed of a slightly thicker blade to reduce bending or breaking, a longer blade for more slashing lethality, a length of 5 feet compared to other spears, and a cross guard to prevent any large creatures from further lunging forward and to avoid the spear from digging in too deeply and getting stuck in the process.
The spears stabbed the orcs in their chests. Due to how chaotic and unpredictable the situation is in battle, the soldiers hiding behind their shield with minimum visibility must avoid any mishaps during the assault by aiming at the orcs' vital area. The soldier's strategy behind the shield wall was to lunge, strike, cover, and repeat.
A soldier with an injured arm still managed to lounge his shield, thrust his spear forward, and recover the shield formation in time, but not all soldiers were fortunate; some were unable to recover to their shield position due to their injuries, and the orcs capitalized on those moments of weakness; a gap was forcefully opened from the shield wall.
Knowing that the injured soldier could never wrestle the shield back to mend the gap, the soldier behind him, without hesitation, lunged his shield forward, knocking both the injured soldier and the orc back, and within seconds, the injured soldier was mutilated to death.
Such phenomena were happening everywhere, especially to the soldiers who received the brunt of the initial charge. Every second, multiple orcs and humanoid soldiers would die; it was a bloodbath.
From the initial contact to this moment, only a minute or two has passed, and casualties are piling up at an increasing rate, especially on the orc's side.
As for me, the orc in front of me had finally succumbed to his injuries and died, but not without taking a soldier with him. Seeing that I am finally going to get some clothes, I was ecstatic, but sadly, my situation is making it difficult to do so. I want to strip the soldier and the orcs of their equipment, but due to the nature of my surroundings, I have to hold on for now.
Since the orc in front of me died, the orcs behind me pushed their way in, and as a result, I am now in the front row.
"Stop pushing, damn it! Wait for your turn! When I die, it will be your turn by then," I angrily scolded.
But then it started again; another round of assault will be coming from the shield wall. I waited in anticipation; I had already come up with a plan for how to face the incoming assault. Then I heard the "PUSH!" followed by a quick "AHOOO!" Of course, I was also pushed back, albeit in a controlled manner.
The plan is zero-point-three-point-E. Step one: catch the incoming spear; step two: overpower the soldier and pull him forward; step three:? Step four: Profit!
With a plan in mind, I was trying to quickly recover my bearing. A small gap was opening in the shield wall, and then a spearhead was thrust forward. The soldier, surprised by my height, tried to readjust his spear's trajectory.
I was already expecting the incoming spear, plus, with the slight hesitation from the soldier from adjusting the spear's trajectory, I was prepared to catch the spear with my left hand and pull him towards me.
But, of course, as always, I managed to find a way to fuck it up, and due to my nervousness, I am still clenching both weapons on each hand.
Catch my ass! I tried to let go of the weapon, but maybe because even though I keep telling myself that I am prepared to die or that I am not afraid of death, that lie has finally manifested.
I couldn't let go of the weapon; once I attempted to release my clutch, both my legs were losing strength and shaking.
But I didn't just stand there waiting to die; I clumsily tried to redirect or parry the incoming spear, and because I have no fucking experience chopping people with cold weapons, I executed it in the most horrible way I could possibly act. The spear managed to stab me in the stomach, but thankfully it wasn't deep enough.
When I was stabbed, I did what any sane man would do in my situation. I screamed like a bitch!
"AYAAAAaaaaaa!" And in a fit of anger, I raised the axe on my left and threw it at the soldier; of course I missed, hit the shield, ricochet above my head, and hit the orc behind me.
Although it wasn't fatal, it only left a light bruise on the forehead. That weapon throw contained all the pain, suffering, and other kinds of emotions; therefore, he didn't just receive physical damage but also emotional damage.
Upon discovering it, it was the orc who kept on pushing me in the back. I smiled in glee. Serves you right, you son of a bitch!
While I was gloating at the unlucky orc at the back, another round of assault was incoming.
"This time for sure!" I said to myself, and then the spear was thrust forward, aiming for the center of my chest. With my sheer fucking will and determination, I managed to catch the spear's crossguard.
Step one is complete. For step two, I tried to pull the soldier forward with his spear, but I miscalculated. The soldier was trying to thrust forward, and I, being an inexperienced idiot, gladly helped him achieve his purpose.
With his thrust motion and my assistance, the spear aimed for my right shoulder, leaving a slash wound. It didn't stop there; the thrust motion continued and pierced the orc on my right side.
Then my heart started to beating faster that I raised the bone axe on my right, executing a downward chop that blocked the soldier's attempt to recover the shield wall. With my left hand gripping on his spear and my bone axe hindering the soldier in his attempt to cover, I used all the strength I could muster and pulled both my arms forward.
Being so close to him, I lunged my head forward, opened my mouth wide, and bit his fucking nose off along with his upper lips. Blood gashed out of his face and some spilled on my neck.
He screamed in pain with his mouth wide open, then I spit his nose back right inside his mouth, and he proceeded to choke. Although he was choking from his nose, he still manage to dislodge the bone axe from his shield and abandoned his spear to recover the shield wall formation.
Serves you right for deflecting my bone axe and accidentally, not sorry, hitting the son of a bitch behind me and for accidentally, very sorry, stabbing the orc on my right because you couldn't control how much power you put into it, you son of a bitch!
Dear Diary, I recently just woke up, and I already lost my first kiss. I can't wait to see what more this day has to offer.