Cardinal Sin IX: While Reason Burns
The Seventh Day of the Eleventh Moon, 873 AD.
Aegos, Aegan Hills, Western Dathan.
Sin stalked through the halls of the barracks, his intent singular and mood sour. He didn't like Ser Ezekiel, but seeing as he'd just found out that the man was being held down here, and that there was to be a trial involving him no less, he felt it important to try and glean as much information as he could from the disgraced knight. The man would never act on his own and Sin knew as much, but that didn't mean that he might not slip up and reveal something he hadn't meant to in the process.
Eventually he came to a small cell two floors down that was inhabited, the rest having long since been cleared out of any riffraff. It was quiet and not exactly small, but not huge either. There was very little to furnish the room, but there at the back, arms bound by chains to the stone wall behind, was Ser Ezekiel himself.
"Well, Ser Ezekiel. I was surprised you survived our little encounter along the Aegan Road. Tell me, did it at all hurt when you woke up? Or was it merely your pride that was wounded?"
The man's gaze whipped up to meet him, and as if on instinct the knight made to lunge forwards as an animalistic snarl fell from his lips.
"You remember my mace, don't you?" The knight growled. "I'm going to polish it on your insides until it fucking gleams."
Sin just raised an eyebrow.
"You'll need to be able to hit me with it first. As far as I recall you struggled with that point a little, didn't you?"
At those words a fresh bout of clanking could be heard as Ezekiel railed against his chains, moving as close to Sin as they would allow him to.
"I'll fucking kill you for what you've done! The pious and holy Father, the man who was my master, killed because of a lie you told Adikos! Cardinal Trios died because of you, you vile hellspawn, and it will be the greatest pleasure I have ever known to watch the life leave you whilst you beg for mercy!"
Sin sighed, already growing tired of this whole conversation. He hadn't told Adikos that Trios had been to blame, but to be honest he could understand why Ezekiel would think he had. There was no use in trying to explain to so zealous and rabid a man that he was wrong however, and so Sin elected to simply move along and continue with this... 'conversation' felt like too generous a term, but he couldn't think of anything better at the moment, so 'conversation' it was.
"I'm not here to go into that today. I want to know why your master wanted me dead, and I want to know who else wants me dead."
Ezekiel said nothing, only hocking and spitting in Sin's direction. The glob of phlegm fell short of the bars, but he still curled his lip in distaste nonetheless. Oh, so that's how we're going to play? I'm going to do that back at you one day, you feral animal.
"Now that's not very knightly."
"Who's going to stop me? I'm an Inquisitor-Paladin, you vile sinner. I can do what I please to men as crooked and corrupt as you."
Sin raised an eyebrow. An Inquisitor-Paladin, eh? Normally inquisitors were selected for their agency and quick-thinking, as well as their intelligence. That was why Sin had cosied up to them so much and gotten them removed from Athio as soon as possible. None of those were traits he would assign to the man in chains before him.
"You know," Sin started, his voice falling to a far more sincere aspect, "people like you were my hero once. I wanted to be just like you, and to do what you do. Then I found out what you're really like and realised that, just like so much else in my life, it was all a lie. I've become somewhat disillusioned with what everyone does here nowadays, and it was genuinely refreshing when I met a few people who were exactly what they said they were. You are not one of those people. You're a feral beast in need of culling, nothing more."
Ezekiel scoffed, seemingly in genuine amusement, but hatred and vitriol quickly covered up the short-lived mirth.
"Never meet your heroes boy. Heroes are people, and people are shit."
Sin nodded sadly.
"I know that better than most. I take it there's nothing you wish to tell me?"
"What, about who wanted you dead? EVERYONE WANTS YOU DEAD, APOSTATE! EVERYONE FROM THE LOWLIEST WHORE TO THE GREATEST OF SAINTS WISHES HELL UPON YOU! WHEN I'M FREED FROM THESE CHAINS I'LL GLADLY-"
Though the man's words were loud, Sin didn't hear anymore than that. He was already walking away.
"Father! I am pleased to see you once more."
"Captain Dessano," Sin started with a small smile, his trail of dark thoughts already leaving him, "it is pleasant to see you as well. Tell me, Captain, what is word on the street like these days?"
"Generally speaking?" the captain replied, "Not... it isn't particularly good. Much is being said, and almost all of it relates to the upcoming trail of Cardinal Admeta. The people are growing worried that something dangerous is brewing, and the feeling is beginning to spread to some of the lower ranks amongst my men. Myself and the rest of the officers of the Aegan Watch are doing our best to ensure that morale remains in good shape, but until this storm cloud passes I fear there will be a great deal of worrying coming from all walks of society."
Sin nodded, making a mental note that the city was starting to turn into a tinderbox. That wasn't good news for anyone, not at all.
"I see. Thank you for your diligence, Commander, and please pass my gratitude on to your men. If ever you and yours should find yourself in trouble then don't hesitate to show your face in Athio. I know you'll have heard dark rumours, but I can always find good work for reliable hands."
Dessano nodded, a mixture of relief and thankfulness flushing across his face. Hm, he seems rather pleased to have a backup plan. Ah well, we all keep our secrets, don't we?
"Thank you, Father. It is an honour to serve."
"Right," Sin said, clapping his hands together, "if you're saying that this impending trial is riling the people up then perhaps I'd better pay my dear colleague a visit. Thank you for your hospitality, Captain. I hope to see you again soon."
"Of course, Father. By your leave."
With that he smiled, bowed, and made his way back through the senate building. It was time to pay a visit to his old friend.
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"Cardinal Admeta."
"Cardinal Sin. Come in, make yourself at home."
Sin nodded stiffly to the guards at the door and entered the room, cane clacking as he went. The door shut behind him with a satisfying 'chunk', and Sin slid the lock-hatch into place.
"Give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you right now."
Admeta answered with an almost friendly tone, quite at odds with the content of their conversation.
"Because it'll probably get you killed as well. Remember the proverb: 'when you embark on a journey of revenge, start by digging two graves'."
Sin scoffed jokingly, some of his humour from when they were kids slipping into his words.
"That's dumb, I'm gonna kill way more than two people. Besides, I've never really cared much for my life anyway."
To his credit that did make Admeta smile as she gave him a conceding nod, but she quickly steeled her features and continued on with her next reason.
"Okay, then how about this one: It would tear this fair theocracy apart."
Sin barked out a laugh.
"I said a reason not to do it, you needn't give me any more incentive."
Admeta rolled her eyes, her tone dripping with sarcasm.
"And here I thought you were a supporter of our just work."
She walked across what might have been the gaudiest room Sin had yet seen in his life, and sat down at a small table with a deicide board atop it.
"I don't understand you, Sin. If I'm being honest I don't think I ever did. I don't mean that as an insult, nor will I try and claim you're unholy or somesuch nonsense for the voice in your head. I was jealous of that voice at times, for no matter how distressing it may have been it must surely have been better than the crushing isolation of the cells beneath Saint Mikah's Cathedral."
Sin made a so-so motion with his hands. Had she given any other reason for being jealous of the daemon in his head he would've been incensed, but a part of him agreed with her on that point. Anything was better than isolation in those cells.
"It has its own drawbacks, but then you know that already. What are we doing, Admeta? Why are we doing this?"
"Because it's right." She said with finality. "Because it needs to be done. I promise you Sin, you may not see it yet, but it needs to be done. I wish only that you'd join me in realising this."
Sin shook his head slowly.
"You can promise all you want Admeta, but there is no future left for this world, and in a world with no future a promise is just a lie you don't realise you're telling."
Admeta shrugged at him, not even bothering to refute or question his mildly rambling point.
"Sin, do you think I haven't come to the same realisations you have? Do you think I haven't realised that there are no happy endings for people like us, and that there never will be? I'm just doing what I can to make the world as good and pure as possible before my death, and I know you believe you're doing the same, but if you repent here and now we can fix this world together. We could do it Sin, Spyridon too! It'd be like we were kids again, only this time there would be no threat of punishment hanging over our heads. We'd be free, Sin. You just need to trust me."
Sin remained silent and said nothing, causing Admeta to sigh deeply and nod her head in respect.
"You needn't say anything else. I think I understand. I want Adikos to die as much as you do; I hate him for what he did to us. If you succeed at the trial and have me killed Sin, I want you to promise me something."
He narrowed his brows.
"And what would that be?"
"Kill him as well." Admeta said in a flat tone. "If I have to die, I want to at least die knowing that he'll follow me soon after."
Sin said nothing, but nodded firmly. That was one promise he was happy to keep.
"So, we'll be coming to odds one last time then, will we?"
Admeta nodded at him, and though her posture was as poised as ever her eyes contained a grief and tiredness that nothing save a stolen adolescence could impose.
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"I take it you hate me for what I'm going to do, don't you Admeta?"
His words were not mocking, but genuine. He would understand her hatred, even if he wished the path she'd walked had been more like her own.
"As the hallowed book states: 'The shepherd should not waste time hating the wolf that accosts his flock. He should simply kill it'. You're a wolf in sheepskins, Sin. I do not intend to hate you."
"But you do intend to kill me?"
She nodded slowly.
"As you intend to kill me. I respect you, Sin, and I know you respect me. Our paths have strayed so much, and yet we can still agree on two things."
"One is that Adikos must die," Sin replied, "but I'm afraid you'll have to spell out the other for me."
"Whoever comes out on top between the two of us, whoever lives and whoever dies, we leave Spyridon out of it. If he supports you or me and gets involved directly of his own accord when one of us are gone then that's different, but whilst we're both still alive we don't harm him. He's the only one out of us three to have been spared the worst of the traumas we endured; there's no point ruining that now."
Sin nodded respectfully at her. He hated what she'd done, he hated that she genuinely believed in what she was doing, but sometimes a vestige of her old self still shone through. Sometimes he didn't have to remind himself that he'd once loved her.
"Agreed. So, our long partnership and rivalry comes to a close."
"Indeed it does," Admeta replied, "I'd say it's been a good run, but frankly I've enjoyed maybe a tenth of it at most."
Sin scoffed at her words, finding them pretty fucking agreeable.
"Adikos may have ruined us both, but at the very least we know that with one of our deaths his life's work will crumble. I respect you in some strange way, Admeta, and I wish it had not come to this."
"Perhaps a game of deicide." She proposed, gesturing towards the table. "You always enjoyed playing when we were children, and I was one of the only people who could match you in strategy."
Sin looked at the board, then back at Admeta. If he sat down and invited himself to further conversation there was a chance, however small, that he might convert her to his own way of thinking. In that same vein however, he knew that she might do the same to him. The two of them were electrifying and persuasive, and if only their visions had aligned they'd probably have been able to rise to positions of prominence over the entirety of Saintdom by now. If he would only sit down and play that game which he so enjoyed there was a chance that he would be able to spend the rest of his days in a golden haze with the only two people who he could ever say he had loved; he could live with Spyridon and Admeta and make some genuine changes to the world, either for good or for ill.
"No," he replied in a voice that sounded tired even to him, "I have work to attend to. Good day, Admeta."
His childhood friend nodded solemnly at him, her throat visibly bobbing a little as she choked down tears. She was so very similar to him, and so in that moment she must have known the same thing he did.
Those golden days were lost to them both, and would never come back. Neither one of them were going to be having a change of heart, and so as he walked back out the door and passed the guards he knew that Admeta must have been crying for what they both had lost.
How did he know this?
Because the sleeve swiping at his own eyes was already growing damp with tears.
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"Spyridon, you would not believe the day I've just had. I mean, I know things are getting more hectic in the runup to this trial and the impending end of the first great gathering in Aegos, but by the Saints today was a lot."
His friend, having jumped when Sin made his sudden entrance, was now stood with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face as Sin invited himself to flop down on his friend's bed.
"Get up from their Sin, it's clean for fuck's sake. Anyway, you'd better catch me up if your day was as hectic as you claim."
Sin stood back up, happy to have riled his friend up a little by lying on his bed, and began reciting the conversations he'd had that day.
"Well, as you know I spent a goodly portion of today down in the cells under the guard's barracks. It was in those cells that I spoke to one Inquisitor-Paladin Ezekiel."
Spyridon looked at him, confused.
"You mean... Ser Ezekiel? Has he been made a member of the inquisition's fighting arm, has he?"
"Yes, but he's still in chains for now. I hope that he never sees freedom, for he's a dangerous foe to face, but the evidence I hold against him is admittedly rather lacklustre. Short of a true confession there's little to go off except my word in regards to his guilt, and I'm not keen to face him again anytime soon. Not without a score of crossbows at my back anyway. Still, it mostly just consisted of him alternating between shouting and roaring at me, leavened with the occasional few minutes of far more composed and menacing threats. Not a pleasant afternoon, if I'm being completely honest with you. Still, probably better than his afternoon was, right?"
Sin snorted weakly at his own jape. Comedy was important when you were feeling tense, since it helped make everything feel a little more normal. In a time like this where 'normal' seemed to be an alien concept it was more important than ever.
"What about the Canoness?"
Sin felt his brows furrow as Spyridon spoke up, and at his friend's words he searched through his memories to try and remember if anyone else had been down in those cells. A Canoness? Down in those cells? But he knew that it had only been Ser Ezekiel down there, hadn't it? He couldn't have possibly managed to miss an entire person, surely?
"Canoness? What Canoness?"
Spyridon turned around, a curious mixture of guilt and nervousness crossing his face as he spoke.
"When you were poisoned- that is to say, when Admeta tried to kill you, there was a Canoness that was meant to be tried as a scapegoat for your attempted murder. Adikos disliked her already for some reason which I do not know, and accused her of heresy. Shortly afterwards she was found guilty and Adikos proclaimed that she was to be placed on trial for conspiring to kill you both with poison and by ordering your death on the road. I know she's innocent, and there's no way a mere Canoness could influence someone like Ser Ezekiel when it comes to things like who the man targets, but the Arch-Cardinal deeply wished her dead so that people could move on from this mess. Did you see her down there?"
He shook his head at his friend, a little annoyed that Spyridon had only now thought to bring this up but willing to give the man a little leeway here. Sin himself may have known about it and forgotten at some point, so it seemed unfair to lay the blame squarely on Spyridon.
"If she was being held down there then she's long gone now. Whether that means she's escaped, was discreetly moved far away so that she could take a desk job, or was simply killed, I couldn't say. I wish her the best, whoever she is and wherever she is, but we can't dwell on that at the moment. Besides, there was far more than that going on behind the scenes. The trial is soon, very soon, and I've continued forging a friendship with Captain Dessano of the guard. He may not be a native to Dathan, but that might work to our advantage here; because his ties here are only really related to his work, there's nothing that really keeps him fighting for the city of Aegos itself. We might even be able to launch a coup after the trial, so long as we can rally enough support against Adikos after all. In fact, as soon as this trial is done we need to start both solidifying our network in Aegos to ensure a smooth transition of power whilst, perhaps more importantly, we start working out how best an 'accident' might be applied to our dear mentor. As much as I'd love to give him a taste of his own medicine and throw him into the cells under the Cathedral of Saint Mikah even he doesn't deserve that treatment, vile criminal that he is. No, it will be kinder to kill him. What would you suggest, Spyridon?"
His friend looked a little uncomfortable at the prospect of murder, but at the end of the day Spyridon was getting a little better at dealing with this sort of thing. Sin would be lying if he said that he wished his friend wasn't learning faster, but he'd take what he could get at this point.
"I- I don't know, Sin. He's old, so maybe he'll just..."
"Spyridon," Sin said in a tone as flat as he could manage, "are you seriously suggesting that we wait for the Archcardinal to die of natural causes? Please tell me that isn't what you're suggesting."
His friend sighed a little, looking down as he tried to pull himself together.
"I know, Sin. I know. It's just a lot for me to try and comprehend, this whole thing. I'm not good at this, Sin. I can- I'm a great organiser, I can do paperwork like nobody else, I'm brilliant with numbers and correspondence, but I can't do violence. I never could, and I don't think I ever will."
"You'll have to." he simply replied, at this point not particularly worrying if he came across as unkind. "You may not like it, in fact it's better if you don't, but you'll have to nonetheless. It's a part of our lives, Spy. It comes with being powerful, with being in a position that places you above almost everyone else. I hate it, but I recognise it as a part of what I need to do to keep myself safe and, by proxy, protect those relying on me for their own safety. We're powerful men, but we can only be as powerful as we are willing to be ruthless. If we can't force ourselves to be ruthless, we can't be powerful."
Spyridon smiled, but it looked fake and strained. His friend clearly wasn't comfortable with this, and so Sin let him say his peace and, though he was sighing internally, moved the conversation along.
"I hope one day that isn't the case for powerful people. I hope one day people like us do well by those beneath us without needing to resort to killings and extortion. It's not pleasant at all."
Sin nodded, agreeing completely. He understood the need for ruthlessness at times, but that didn't mean he liked it. He hated it, and Hawk knew that much very well. Thinking briefly on Hawk led him to wonder how the man was doing back in Athio; was he alright? Were there any major crises brewing back in those granite and slate neighbourhoods?
He shook his head a little, smiling. No, Hawk would have told him if there was anything wrong. Besides, the man was a pillar of strength no matter what the task was. To be honest the average resident of Athio probably wouldn't have been able to tell Sin had left, what with the curfew at night and the fact that he never went out during the day. No, Hawk would be fine. Sin needed to stop worrying about the man and get back to worrying about himself at the moment.
"It doesn't matter anyway," he started, "for this will all come to an end soon. Very soon. The trial will see Admeta killed, we'll see to Adikos' death soon after, and I'll leave this world shortly after he does. You'll be the only one left here, Spy."
Spyridon tapped his foot against the floor rapidly, a sort of nervous tic that Sin hadn't seen his friend use in a very long time.
"Sin... why are you so insistent on this? Why can't you accept that maybe things will work out happily for you? Why can't you accept that you might have a happy ending?"
Sin chuckled a little.
"That would be a happy ending for me. I have to go soon, Spy. I have to."
"Sin, I don't-"
"I know you don't understand Spy. You don't need to. I can feel- I can feel my mind fraying. Snapping. Those things that Adikos taught me didn't just disappear. The need to hurt myself to prove that I'm not impure, the constant guilt that hangs over me like a cloud, the need to- the fact that I don't know where my own fraying thoughts begin and his teachings ended. If I don't go soon I'll end up burning myself at the pyre to prove I'm not a sinner, to try and make myself happy. I don't want to have to burn myself just to feel warm."
His voice fell a little, the room suddenly feeling extremely quiet.
"I don't want to burn, Spy. I don't want it to be fire."
When he turned to his friend he found himself in a gentle embrace, a hug that left room for him to back out if he so wished. Sin instead hugged back, enjoying a moment of peace in both his own mind and the world at large. He knew it wouldn't last, both in his mind and in the world, but that didn't mean he wouldn't take it where he could. It was important to remember that, sometimes, you needed to step back and take a break from your work before your work decided to break you.
Sin couldn't remember the last time he'd had a break.
"I still don't understand, Sin. But I'll be here for you, no matter what path you feel you need to take. I'm here to listen to you tell of the exploits of Agia Harald and his generals. I'm here to listen to you if you want someone to talk to about the Khidonean Doctrine, whether that entails the broad strokes or the finer points. I want to be here for you, Sin, to show you that death isn't your only way out of this. We haven't had a long time to reconnect, but these last few months with you have been worth so much more to me than the two years we spent apart. Just give me a little time when we're done with this, and I promise to do my best to give you a live worth living afterwards. Please, Sin. Just a chance."
Sin wiped at his eyes a little.
"I can try, Spy. I'll try, but... Spy, there's so much wrong with me that no-one's been able to fix. The voice led the mummer's troupe to kick me to the curb, and the better part of a decade under the gaze of the church wasn't enough to see it off. I'll try for you, Spy, but I can't promise anything. Nor do I want to mislead you; it would be a constant uphill battle that would only end with my death, be it natural or not. There's no telling how long I'll be able to hold on for before I lose myself completely, and I want to die as... well, I want to die whilst I'm still me. I want to die before I become a real monster, before the person I pretend to be becomes the person I am."
"You're not a monster, Sin. Nor is there anything 'wrong' with you. You're different, yes, and perhaps even abnormal, but you're better than almost anyone else I've met. Even if we believe the words we were fed as children, the scathing tones that told us the voice in your head was a daemon, then that by itself has never made you a bad person."
"Of course it does," he scoffed, "the things the voice tells me to do-"
"Are very rarely acted upon." Spyridon cut in, not allowing Sin to put himself down any further. "You're the best person I know, Sin."
Sin opened his mouth again, but Spyridon cut him off by shaking his head and taking a step backwards, hands still on Sin's shoulders and face still looking up so that the shorter man could make eye contact with him.
"How is it that out of all the men of the First Saint in this theocracy, the thousands of priests and paladins and inquisitors and abbots that preach love and unity, the one man brave enough to stand up to injustice and begin saving as many people as he could is the one that hears a voice in his head telling him to commit acts of violence and impulse. How could you possibly be a bad person when you're the only one that's right?"
Spyridon placed so much emphasis on the last word and spoke with such conviction throughout that Sin could only think to bury his face into the other man's shoulder to try and hide his tears. Whether his friend noticed or not, that wasn't important. All that mattered was that Sin was here, now, and his friend was by his side no matter what. Maybe what came after the theocracy was dismantled wouldn't be so bad for him after all.
As nice as this was, he had work to do. So, he pulled himself up and from his friend's embrace, thanked him in a small and quiet voice, and returned to his work of studying notes and writing down annotations for the trial that was to come. He had work to do, and he could rest after.
Assuming there was an after, of course.