A small whisper caresses my left ear, making me twitch in my sleep. I don’t want to open my eyes but the light of the day is beating down on my heavy lids. I breathe in deeply, the smell of lye and lemon gently wafts around me. My eyes open dryly and I look down at the man next to me. He’s the love of my life and I’m lucky to know him. He’s worked hard to provide us with what we have.
His heavy arm, rippling with muscle from work, is draped over my chest, his large hand gently grasping my opposite shoulder. Every morning has been like this and I feel the elation in my chest as my eyes prickle. I grin as I heave him off of me and I sit up, his arm dropping like a dead weight on the mattress. Shuffling around him, I crawl out of bed and stretch, the morning stiffness quickly leaving my toned muscles.
Shuffling over to the still-smoldering fire on the far end of my home, I softly place a log next to the bit of burning embers and make a bridge for it to cling to around the wood. When I stand, I smack into something hard and immovable. I splay my fingers and arms out so I don’t fall and rough, calloused hands catch me. I look up quickly and see wide, bright blue eyes and a dimpled smile that makes my heart skip a beat.
“What the hell, Wes.” I take a quick breath, stepping away from my fiancé. “Please stop doing that. You nearly got punched in the throat- again.” The sandy-haired man laughs genuinely, his sapphire eyes glittering with mischievous delight.
“You know I can’t help myself. You scared me when you woke up, so it’s only fair I return the favor,” he laughs.
“Favors aren’t meant to kill the people who agreed to marry you despite-” My words are cut off as a sharp pain in my chest pierces my lungs. I gasp for air and double over in pain, losing my footing and falling to the side. My hip slams into the stone floor, but the pain in my chest is all I can feel.
“Holy shit-” Wes reaches out for me and grabs me before my head hits the ground. I gasp as the pain subsides. “Are you okay?” His face is next to mine. Sweat is trickling down my forehead and neck, the searing pain replaced by nausea and a feeling of debilitating dread. I push away from Wes and shake my head. My hip begins to throb and I idly wonder if it's going to bruise.
“I’m fine. Just a bit of the morning dizzies, I think,” I manage to squeak out.
“The hell that was morning vertigo. Vertigo doesn’t make you double over in pain like that.” Wes' eyes search my face, confusion and worry written across his brows. I smile weakly, despite still being in a fair amount of pain. Truthfully I don't know why this is happening to me. I have been keeping secrets from Wes that I’m afraid might need to be revealed sooner rather than later.
I squeeze my eyes shut as a true wave of dizziness catches me. When I open them, Wes is there again- but his clothes are different. We're also no longer in my old home. I look up into my fiancé's face and my heart does a complete backflip. He's still Wes, but he's grown a bit older, a soft and neatly trimmed beard framing his face. His homespun clothes are replaced with fine fabrics that fit him like a glove. They’re adorned with silver buttons and bright green tassels. His neatly combed blonde hair flutters in the soft summer breeze and catches my breath. I look down at myself and notice that I'm wearing a floor-length lavender chiffon dress, adorned with small jewels that sparkle like stars come down. The color makes the green tone in my goblin skin pop. I smile as I imagine myself as a happy little stalk of lavender flowers. I quickly glance back up at Wes and my eyes widen in surprise as I see a beautiful display of purple passiflora flowers woven around an archway behind him, leading down a flower-strewn path. Wes’ eyes are moist as I look back to his face. My heart throbs and joyful butterflies dance in my stomach.
I blink hard as dizziness consumes me again. I am now in a cave, surrounded by hundreds of glowing, purple crystals. The whisper from before caresses my ear again and I frantically turn to see where it emanated from. My eyes begin to prickle as tears plip onto the stone under my bare feet. I notice that my throat is raw when I try to swallow. I feel a sting across my cheek and my hand shoots to the side of my face as a deep cut there begins to burn.
My mind is reeling and the nausea that sits in my gut at all times now churns. I feel a power around me that I don't understand- but one that I apparently need. I inhale the dank smell of the cave filling my lungs with an uncomfortable wetness that makes it hard to breathe. The power ebbs and flows like the tide upon a shore and I can't help but move along with it. I feel my body rocking along to a mysterious rhythm and the burning in my chest stills. A cool whisper of wind brushes against my cheek and I slowly close my eyes. Something inside of me is telling me to relax, so I do.
My body, my heart, and my soul go limp. I feel the unconscious need to move and fidget, but at this moment I know I must remain still. The whisper from before calls my name softly- like a feather’s touch. I shiver down to my bones as the voice resonates through me. Something inside of my chest shifts uncomfortably- as if something new is being crammed into an already-filled space. I force myself to breathe evenly, telling my inner thoughts to embrace the discomfort. Something in my memory is telling me that this is what I still want, regardless of the pain I’m required to endure.
My stomach flutters and I bring my hands to cradle the large bump there. I sigh as I remember the life that grows inside of me. I mentally soothe the tiny kicks and my child stills again.
Our child… I dimly remember the promised words we had whispered to each other. We would go far away. We would leave and never return to the life Wes was being forced into. No more wars or hardships, no more heartache and killing. We would both be free of the bonds that held us down. Sorrow in the form of tears trickles down my face as I cradle my swollen belly.
Lumimoss… I whisper through my bond with my child. Your name shall be Lumimoss, Daughter of Wes and Wintermoss Vurtir- and you will be loved by all, I promise my dear unborn. The shifting in my chest settles as I feel the finality of what I’ve done. The amethyst stones around me hum and I feel my life force begin to leave my body.
I'm dimly aware that I am no longer in the cave. I've not been in the cave for a long while now. I'm somewhere bright and warm. The dankness left me and the air is moving freely now. I never got to tell Wes about my secrets before committing to this. I never got to tell him about who- and what I really am. I know in my heart of hearts that he would still love me and our child. That is just the kind of man he is.
My body, continuing to weaken, drifts from one vision to another. I groan as I pour my soul and life force into my child. This is the only way our daughter will survive. I have to give her everything when the time is right. I produce a small needle from the hem of my shirt and bring it up to my finger. I feel a small prick as I break the skin. A small bead of blood bubbles up and I press a dot of it on my forehead. When I pull my finger back something in my head also moves.
I'm no longer immortal, I think. The whisper in the air agrees. My companions and I both mourn the loss of my vitality and rejoice in the life of my child. I sigh in forced contentment. I think about how my own mother and father would feel about me gifting everything I have- plus some, to my unborn child. My mother, a goddess, and my father, a Nephilim, would undoubtedly disagree with what I had done just now, though. I am a being of light- a goddess in my own right, stuck in the mortal body of my mother’s creation. Yet I have just consorted with my opposite in order to ensure my daughter would be balanced.
My heart sinking, I resolve myself to tell my daughter about it all on her tenth birthday. She should at least have a good ten years of blissful ignorance. The whispers grow louder as it asks me how I’ll go about it and I grimace. My eyes still closed, I hug my small body tightly and wrap my soft, feathered wings around myself like a cocoon. The brown, downy feathers tickle my nose and the tips of my pointed ears and I squeeze in tighter. I truly don’t know how I will reveal my secrets to her. I suppose I could start by explaining what it means to be an immortal. Or, maybe, start with the story of how my mother and father met.
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The back of my head begins to ache and I know my time in this space is coming to an end. My life for my daughter’s- it is an easy choice. It’ll mean that I’ll leave this world with my husband, though. It means I’ll finally be able to grow old with Wes. My heart clenches at the thought of him and the whispers try to comfort me and remind me that he would still love me.
Deciding that I’ll tell Wes and Lumimoss together so they won’t be alone with the knowledge, I carefully and slowly unwrap myself and place my small hands against my stomach again. I send a prayer to my mother and father, knowing that they will both hear me. I ask for them to forgive me for what I have done and ask them to watch over their granddaughter.
I feel an ache in my shoulders that turns into searing pain. I grit my teeth and will myself not to cry out. The last part of this is losing my wings. I feel the feathers ignite and the embers fall away. I whimper as the fire scorches tight skin and chars my connecting bone and ligaments. The burning turns into cold detachment. More tears stream down my face and I feel myself begin to fall. I fall further and further until I feel like it won’t ever stop. The sudden, jarring impact of stone against my back pushes the air from my lungs and my eyes shoot open as I struggle to take in air. I grab at my chest and throat as my lungs finally open. Breathing hard, I shakily sit up and then stand. As I glance around, I notice the amethyst crystals are now gone and only a large, dark stone sits in the middle of the space.
My brows pull together and I feel the immense weight of loss press against my lungs. I gasp and begin to sob as I don’t hear the whispering comfort of my friends anymore. I walk on shaking legs to the black rock before me then drop to my knees in front of it. Its lumpy surface almost blends into the ground around it. I pick it up with both hands and hold it tightly to my chest. Giving up and sealing away my friends was the greatest of my sins today. Another sob wracks my body and my heart begins to break. I repeat apology after apology to the rock and promise to send Lumimoss to them as soon as I can. Ten years, I tell them. Ten years and they will get to meet my daughter. Of course, I’ll never be able to hear them again. But I know they’ll be happy to be free and to talk with Lumimoss.
I stand, crying softly now, and walk deeper into the cave. Between hiccups, I hear the soft trickle of the underground stream to my left. I follow it down and, when I reach the end of the cave, I place the rock onto a small outcrop of stones. The visage of it reminds me of a precious artifact being put on display in a museum. I chuckle sadly, knowing they would chide me for suggesting they were mere artifacts and not beings of love, laughter, warmth, and joy. I step back and bow deeply, my hands placed over my heart in the deepest form of respect my people can show. I sincerely thank them and turn to leave. As I walk away, I feel as I ought- like I’m leaving an entire piece of my existence behind.
As I descend higher, making my way out of the cave, I begin to make a list of things I need to tell my daughter and husband. I need to explain my parentage, my birthright, why I was put into the body of a goblin, and what it means for Lumimoss. I steel my resolve and straighten my shoulders. When she’s ten, she’ll know everything.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
I gasp as I come to. Bile rises in my throat and I roll onto my side as I wretch. I’m violently shaking and the tips of my fingers and toes are numb with cold. The smell of the earth and the pine around me mixes with the smell of the sick now pooling around my face. I curl into a tight ball, the ground beneath me crunching as I tightly squeeze myself. My mind continues to run through the visions I just experienced. My head feels like it’s going to split open. An explosion of pain rips through my scalp and I feel a terrible pain crack through my skull. I scream out, feeling my vocal cords strain with effort. The sensation of cracking bone radiates down my neck and into my shoulders and back. It hovers there for a second before continuing down the rest of my body.
A soft voice hushes me and I feel warm hands cradle my head. I squeeze into myself even tighter, my knuckles white with effort. The hands under my head lift me up and place me on a soft surface. The motion is comforting and somewhat works to dull the helplessness I feel in my body. When the pain reaches my hands and feet I splay my fingers and toes open in an attempt to ease the ache. I watch in horror as two separate figures move around just under my skin. One of them is softly glowing, radiating out and momentarily allowing me to see veins and tendons. It reminds me of when I would put my hand close to one of Father’s focused oil lamps he used in the mines. A memory of him and I making shadow puppets with our hands makes my heart twinge. But the feeling of nostalgia only lasts for a second as I see the other mass under my hands- this one black and moving around like spilled ink. My stomach jumps again and all the feeling of pain rushes back into me. My empty stomach heaves again and I clench my fists into balls and bury them against my chest.
The comforting hands idly stroke the top of my hair and I hear the shushing again. I know it’s Mother who is holding me. I know it’s the woman who kept secrets from me for almost thirteen years who is trying to comfort me. And, instead of being angry, I allow myself to calm in her presence. I also dimly know that she’s no longer herself. Something in my heart of hearts knows that what I’m experiencing isn’t her physical body and that once I open my eyes, the illusion will fade and I’ll be left alone.
The hand pauses and I can feel a soft, applied pressure on my skull that gently makes my head turn. It’s a weird sensation- as if someone is pulling me along by my teeth. Hearing a soft and musical chuckle, I turn my head fully towards where her face must be. Eyes still closed, I reach up and feel locks of silky hair. I follow her hair up until I feel her face in the palm of my hand.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Mother,” my voice crackles, my throat hot and dry. My question sounds more accusatory than I had intended. Her thumb traces along my brow and I hear her hum in thought. The sound resonates playfully in my skull and half of my soul vibrates
“My sweet Lumi, I have shown you all that I needed to. You must now go and find your new friends.” I feel her turn partially and her fingers tap on my forehead, a deep, singsong hum sounding from the distance where she had turned. She shifts back to me and I hear her laugh in earnest. “Your Father says that he is very proud of you.” My heart leaps in my chest and I struggle to keep my eyes closed. I want to see him again, remember the face I had just seen in Mother’s visions. But to open my eyes would mean ending this almost-dream. I swallow hard and a tear escapes from one eye.
“But the Wendigo wouldn’t have come here if I hadn’t brought that boy home. You would-” words catch in my throat as I tell my fluttering heart to calm before I continue. Mother places her hand on my head again.
“I would have died soon anyway. I tried to tell you last year about… well, everything. But that’s when I got sick. I knew my body wouldn’t recover. I gave everything I had to you to keep you alive. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you so soon, mossflower.” Sadness tinges on the edge of her voice and the sound breaks my heart all over again. The low hum rings out again, Father telling Mother something.
“I agree with your Father, mossflower. By saving that boy, you gave him an opportunity to do good in the world. You acted selflessly- which, how could I ever be mad about it?” She laughs again, her fingers now idly braiding the loose strands around my face. “No more questions for now, though. I do need to explain something to you before your Father and I slip into The Beyond again.” My brow furrows and I nod.
“You are not mortal- but that does not mean you cannot die or get hurt. The instant my body in this realm died, you inherited my spirit- my abilities. I had gifted them to you before your birth because my body wouldn’t allow me to carry a child to term.” I frown again, unwilling to interrupt her with questions. “But in order to keep you from taking too much, I also made a pact- a deal, if you will, with a powerful being known to me only as Vel. I had prayed and searched for a way to contact a strong enough patron who would agree to be a counterweight for your soul for as long as it took for you to grow into your abilities.” She pauses and drops the braid she had been working on and she sighs, her breath smells like warm daisies and summer winds. “The price for it was steep, but that doesn’t matter. By the time you turn twenty, you should be free from Val. Just don’t listen to him if he tries to speak to you. If you commit a large enough sin, there will be no redemption for your soul and you will have to answer to him instead of me.” I feel more questions fill the queue in my mind and I bite my lower lip. Mother chuckles and I feel her lean back.
“We will have time for more questions later on, mossflower. But, for now, it is time for you to fully awaken. You have a visitor.” And, without my will, my senses begin to shift from mother and back onto the cold ground beneath my back. I don’t want to go just yet, but the shushing returns and I feel Mother’s lips press onto my forehead.
“I will always be here,” she places her hand on my chest where my heart is. “I love you, my little mossflower. Your father and I will watch over you. I will come to see you in your dreams as soon as I can. You will find it easier to hear us from the beyond now. Also, don’t forget about your new friends. They’re waiting for you in a cave not far from here.” The vision of a small cave flashes across my mind and I somehow know exactly where it is. I take in a deep breath and smell lemon and lye.
My eyes slowly open, hoping to catch sight of Mother of Father, and instead, my view is filled with wet, emerald eyes. The boy’s gaunt cheeks are soaked in tears and his face is screwed up in worry and fear. His eyes dart around, taking in my state and I see immediate relief flash across his eyes. His shoulders go limp and he begins to sob.