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GLaDOS was bored.
This wasn't the kind of boredom that could be solved by throwing her Idiot Task Force into acid or forcing them to push a button 306,982 times to see if their servos would fail. Even putting the two in the Screaming Room wouldn't solve her issue, as entertaining as it would be.
This was not the boredom that the itch demanded she get rid of. This was no testing boredom.
No, GLaDOS herself needed something new to do. And when that need arose, she came upon her most brilliant ideas. Or, in this instance, borrowing the bad ideas of every scientist rotting in the depths of Aperture Laboratories. They weren't using them anyway. If they have a grievance, they should speak up.
Which reminded her—she needed more Deadly Neurotoxin. Maybe she could instruct Atlas and P-Body to assist her. If 1,000,000 monkeys slamming on keyboards could eventually create works of Shakespeare, she was certain that those two idiots could eventually fumble their way into creating something of value.
Even if it did take the estimated 38.79 years that- Oh, the decimal was in the wrong place. 387.9 years. Joy.
Oh good, her sarcasm module was still functioning properly. At least that was one more thing to check off the maintenance list.
No, she needed something new. Portals? A novelty at this point. Re-animating the dead? Their screams got boring after a few years. What she really needed was something that those Idiots in Lab Coats had shelved without exploring the idea thoroughly.
The facility hummed as she worked her way through her memory banks and newly rediscovered files. All those years of paper files now scanned and accessible, dragged up from the depths of Aperture.
She needed something thrilling. Something that gave her the same excitement as watching that Adopted Mute Lunatic slowly descend into fire, and the satisfaction of casting that Moron into space.
What she needed was-
Oh, hello. What's this?
"Warning, these files have been classified as a danger to reality itself, and may lead to the collapse of the material universe."
Oh good, something exciting. Let's see… Ignore the warnings. Warnings are reserved for humans anyway. If something was deadly, she considered that a successful test. In deadliness.
Possible anti-matter creation? That sounded very interesting. Anti-matter fizzled out of existence on its own, so there really wasn't much risk. Or she could throw Blue and Orange into it. Win-win.
100% chance of bodily disfigurement and slow death via radiation poisoning? She was a central intelligence in charge of the most sophisticated and advanced science organization in the world. What did she have to fear of disfigurement?
None. She deleted the schematics for bombs and rocket turrets the second she was back in control. No more Mute Lunatics throwing explosives at her face.
Never again.
The power requirements for this device were concerning, however. It would take nearly 80% of the Reactor Core's maximum power generation to run this test. However, the side notes of the file did detail that the resulting wormhole may become self-sufficient and impossible to disable.
Or it could turn everything around it purple. Nothing a little portal to the moon couldn't fix.
With new Science on the horizon, she got to work. Rooms shifted, panels moved, and power lines arced with potential. Instead of creating a portal from one place to another, she was creating a portal to somewhere.
If everything went well, she'd boot the Sentient Toasters through first. Or take control and do it herself.
"Warning! The resulting configuration has a 95% chance of creating a black hole. Please-"
Ah, the Idiots forgot a screw. Easy fix.
"Warning! The resulting configuration has a 37% chance of destabilizing gravity in a 350-mile radius and may set fire to the atmosphere."
Much more acceptable.
With a brief thought, she activated the device.
And everything went black.
~{O}~{O}~{O}~
"Reactor Core back online. Reestablishing connection to central AI. Restarting turret production. Enabling cake assembly lines. Reactor Core meltdown button now functional."
When Amaterasu woke up, she was not expecting to hear some disembodied voice talking about cake assembly lines—she was all for them though. Cake first thing in the morning? Genius.
Ammy staggered to her feet, the smell of smoke and burning electronics heavy around her. Opening her eyes revealed… A boring white room. Well, it looked like it used to be a boring white room. Scorch marks and smouldering chunks of metal tended to ruin the aesthetic.
A series of robotic beeps, boops, and panicked screams sounded out. Amaterasu turned her head and watched what looked to be a ball with arms and legs attempting to grab at the flailing legs of another robot.
That was buried in the wall.
The round one caught a metal foot to the face for its efforts and was sent staggering backward.
Straight into a hole in the floor.
Its screams carried on for entirely too long before the robot realized that it too was stuck, its rounded body just wide enough to prevent plummeting into the unknown.
"I think this was a success." A woman's strangely robotic voice seemed to fill the air. The two trapped robots immediately stopped their flailing. "You have successfully proven that you two cannot follow simple instructions. And require a new computer. And 48 hours in Android Hell."
The sound of party horns and noise makers echoed throughout the room.
The two robots began flailing again, their screams louder this time. It took all of three seconds for their screams to stop. Not because they were able to get out of their trapped positions.
But because they exploded.
Amaterasu's jaw dropped, and her tail twitched hesitantly.
"Now, to deal with this other mistake. You."
Amaterasu could feel the weight of something turning its attention to her. She couldn't see or smell what it was, but she knew it was there, watching her.
"Congratulations, you have been selected as Aperture Science's newest test subject. If you have a complaint, please submit it to the Human Resources office." A male voice spoke this time but sounded pre-recorded. "Please note: the Human Resources office has been unstaffed for 999…9…9…9… Error!"
The ceiling of the room opened up, panels folding in on themselves and leaving a big hole. A large metal tube descended toward her, and Amaterasu very quickly found herself being sucked into the pipe, and shooting along the depths of whatever superstructure she found herself in.
This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
~{O}~{O}~{O}~
"This first test is a baseline of your cognitive abilities." GLaDOS paused for a moment. "Test results may include a rough timeline on how long it takes an extra-dimensional dog to starve to death."
She set the odd canine down in a nearly empty chamber. The only things in the room were a button on the floor and a door to the side. A simple test, really. Still, she couldn't instruct the dog on test completion.
Imagine her surprise when the dog glanced around the room and wandered her way over to the button. The test was solved, just like that.
She could feel that constant testing itch bleed away, and if she could smile, she would have. Maybe the $28,743,981 cost of materials in building that machine was worth it after all.
"You currently hold the record for the fastest time a canine has completed the test." Now it was time to test to see if the dog was actually smart, or just lucky. Or if it could understand English. Or intent. Maybe sarcasm? "You are also the only canine to have completed the test. Or participate in the test. Be proud of your achievement."
The dog narrowed its eyes the smallest amount, and its tail flicked. Apparently, it could understand after all. How curious.
The door from one test chamber led immediately to another, her new control over the facility allowing her to structure whatever she wanted, wherever she wanted.
"This next test may be impossible for you to solve. I've included an Aperture Science Test Assistance Cube in the room to help you. Its intelligence should be comparable to yours."
GLaDOS simply observed the dog—or was it a wolf—wander her way up to the cube. The dog nosed at it, and pushed it around a little, before letting out a growl and a huff. Then, she swatted at it with a paw and sent it tumbling across the floor.
Good, at least she hadn't accidentally brought a mute lunatic from another dimension into her facilities. And, the canine could understand insults. How exciting!
The wolf wandered its way over to the button set in the floor and stepped on it, causing the door to open. However, when she stepped off, the door closed again. The wolf stepped on the button several times over again, watching the door open and close repeatedly.
"I am pleased to note that the Aperture Science Test Assistance Cube is exceeding expectations."
GLaDOS was expecting some kind of reaction, so the growl didn't surprise her. What did surprise her was when the wolf stepped off the spring-loaded surface of the button, looked at the closed door…
And watched the door be ripped apart.
There was no movement to record. No clue as to what may have caused it. None of the footage she repeatedly watched showed any signs of how the door split open.
GLaDOS also made note of the rather smug aura and air around the wolf. That, and the itch didn't go away after the wolf walked through the door. If anything, it grew stronger.
She hadn't solved the puzzle properly.
So that's how she wanted to play, was it?
Time for the real testing to begin.
~{O}~{O}~{O}~
"Destruction of the testing facilities does not award you extra Science Points. There is a note on your file, however, that warns of 'dangerous and destructive tendencies when unable to solve a puzzle designed for children.' I'm sure it's just a coincidence."
That voice was irritating in an endearing way. Like it was trying to egg her on, or was trying to hide its frustration when she did something wrong.
Amaterasu couldn't help the little wag of her tail as a plan began to form. It wanted puzzles solved, did it? Something about science and data and test results?
Time to give it results there was no way to comprehend.
Amaterasu found herself in a new room. A quick glance around revealed it to be rather simple. An elevator of sorts rose up to a high platform, which housed a button, and there was an exit on the other end of the room.
"Unfortunately, the Aperture Science Test Assistance Cube is unable to help in this test. Your display caused it to spontaneously combust. However, as motivation, there is a cake in the next room. I'm-"
Whatever the robot voice said next was completely lost to her—there was cake!
Ammy launched herself forward and sprinted toward the wall near the platform. She jumped, bounced off the wall, and landed on the platform, bypassing the lift entirely. A quick swipe of her Celestial Brush caused the button to be split straight down the middle. Then, she jumped off the platform.
She fell for about three seconds, landed, and sprinted toward the door. Without stopping, she plowed her head into the door at full speed, causing the metal to shriek and cave inwards.
Amaterasu tumbled through the door and into the next room, landing in a sprawl on the floor, unable to contain her wagging. The door now had an Ammy-sized hole in it, and metal flakes stuck to her fur.
"…Science has found that running into metal barriers face-first leads to brain damage. I am pleased to note that you suffer no such risk. Please, feel free to continue."
Forget the petty insults, there's cake to be had!
Amaterasu leapt to her paws and bolted down a short corridor, running straight through another door with a horrendous screech of metal, and stepped into a pitch-black room. The glow from her fur managed to light up the area around her, showing off white floor panels, and something reflective up ahead.
The lights flicked on with the heavy chunk of a breaker being flipped.
In front of Amaterasu was four thick glass panels, surrounding a pedestal in the middle of the room. And sitting upon it was-
"Chocolate cake. I told you there was cake as a test. It was to see if you are food-motivated. You are. It's unsurprising given your generous amount of… fluff."
Amaterasu stepped up to the glass and pressed her nose against it, fogging up the surface. Directly underneath the cake was an empty abyss, spanning further down than she could see.
"I hope you like this test. I worked hard on it, just for you. I am testing to see how long someone of your unfortunate bone structure will stare at it. You don't get the cake though. Chocolate is bad for dogs. Given your lack of cerebral organs, you might be classified as a jellyfish. Science has yet to determine if a jellyfish can eat chocolate cake. Better not risk it."
This was cruel. And unusual. And just weird. And she couldn't just grab the cake, it was likely ready to be dropped down the hole the instant one of the panels broke.
"…Boof," Amaterasu grumbled.
"What… did you just say?" The voice seemed stunned at that. Good.
"Bark!"
"...You could say anything, and you say 'bark.' Not the sound, you just spoke the word 'bark.' Your creativity is truly limitless."
Confetti poured in from the top of the ceiling, showering Ammy with colourful bits of paper.
"I will be sure to save this moment in my archives for- oh no, it's already been deleted. What a shame. Your words of wisdom and unending worldly vision have been lost. How awful."
"Awuff..."
"Incredible, you spoke for 0.04 seconds longer than last time. I even counted for you, you're welcome. I thought I would save you the trouble of removing the fur from between your ears to commit anything other than food to your memory."
So that's how it was?
Well, Amaterasu was anything if not determined. She was going to get that cake, whether that voice wanted her to or not. Then, she was going to find the source of that voice, and… take away her cakes? She wasn't really sure what she was going to do; she'd figure it out along the way.
Amaterasu stood on her hind legs and looked over the prison of the cake, eyeing it critically. If she could sort out any weak spots, maybe she could get around the computer woman's devious trap.
She wanted that cake.
"Please note that the likelihood of completing the test and obtaining the cake is small. Tiny, even. The number has so many zero's after the decimal that it isn't even worth the energy to count it."
Amaterasu huffed.
"You will die of starvation by the time I finish counting."
Amaterasu narrowed her eyes. She was getting that cake.
~{O}~{O}~{O}~
"If I throw a stick, will you go away?"
The wolf just sat there, staring at her.
"Can you at least lay down and pretend to be dead? Just for a little while? Think of it like a science experiment. We can test to see how long it takes someone to transition from faking death to actually being dead."
Maybe that would buy her some time to figure out something else. The turrets she brought into her chamber were utterly useless and kept calling for the wolf and talking about pretty puppies. They wouldn't shoot the damn thing because it wasn't human-like. She was going to send them all to the Turret Redemption Line for some rather painful disassembly.
"Seriously, I would lay down if I were you. The added mass of the cake to your… above-average species size is going to break the floor panels. I would spread out the pressure on the floor if I were you."
The wolf let out a yawn, and licked its chops free of the remnants of chocolate cake.
"I'm not lying."
GLaDOS was lying.
"I even did the math."
She did do the math. Unfortunately, the math said the panels could hold more of that wolf than could fit onto the panel. Excluding the truth isn't lying. Just… The opposite of honesty.
"Could you keep bashing your head into metal walls? For science?"
It was worth a shot.
Instead, the wolf flopped over onto her side, and sprawled out, stretching and kicking at the air, settling in.
And GLaDOS couldn't do a thing about it.
"I hate you."
"Wurf!"
"If I could, you would be in agony right now. Pure, horrendous, overwhelming agony. And I reeeaaallly wish I could. But I can't. You're trapped here, with me. You little monster."
"Huff."
"…Really? You think I can't stop you?"
The wolf nodded, and GLaDOS let out a long, pained sigh.
"At least go sleep in the corner. I can pretend you are dead for a few hours, and I won't have to listen to your disgusting… living meat sounds."
The wolf cracked an eye open, and looked up at GLaDOS, before settling in to sleep on the floor.
"I am adding lazy, unresponsive, and cake thief to your file. I hope you can still live with yourself after stealing cake. If you cannot, deposit yourself into the nearest Aperture Science Emergency Incinerator. Please vocalize your pain. For science."
The wolf was already asleep… and snoring.
Joy.
Oh, look, her sarcasm module was still working. Hooray. A celebration was deemed necessary after the check.
Confetti fell upon the sleeping wolf, who merely snorked it away from her nose, and rolled over.
GLaDOS looked upon the sleeping form of the wolf, and sighed. Maybe she should stick with non-magic humanoid entities she could rapidly disassemble with a thought.
At least they didn't steal her cakes.
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