Hi everyone! It’s me! Your favorite Sapient-AI and interstellar celebrity.

No, not Jay-Jay. It was me! ALPHA-555-12-4412.

...Stop screaming. I promise, all those things the media said were just hearsay and propaganda to slander my good name!

Mostly... I will not apologize for the ducks. That was art.

Anyway! If you’re reading this guide, then you’ve found yourself stranded in a magical world filled with danger and psychopaths who want you dead for some stupid reason.

"Give me your treasure or die!"

"You insulted my clan. Prepare to die!"

If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

"You shot me, you bastard!"

You know, those kinds of things. I swear, what’s wrong with some people?

That, or you’ve decided to do the whole ‘tourist’ thing on the Federation’s newest acquisition. That’s kind of boring, if you ask me, but oh well, I’m not your papa (that would be weird…)

The point being, you’ve just made the best decision you could have ever made by picking up this book.

Here, you will find the records of my time on 'Alpha-World-D4532!'

[Editor’s Note: The Federation would like it to be known that the official name of the aforementioned planet is, and always has been, Relictus. Any other designation is to be ignored. Thank you for your time.]

Within you will find Visual-Audio logs of all the cool things I found, journals entries and written testimonies from all the (not as cool) people I met (or shot) and everything you’ll need to know to not only survive this new world, but thrive.

[Editor’s Warning: the information in this book may not be suitable for all audiences, including; small children, large children, the elderly, the mentally unstable, those with preexisting health conditions, those with PASD (Post Alpha Stress Disorder), and the general public).