A faint murmur of unfamiliar voices and the familiar scent of antiseptics assaulted Alex's nostril. He found himself shrouded in darkness. Slowly tiptoeing back from the brink. His eyelids fluttered, but no light came through as his head was bandaged heavily after the lifesaving surgical intervention he was undergoing. He was bleeding from his skull and into his brain is what he was told by his doctors.
His right eye, once a window to the world and his most valuable asset in his job, was now robbed of him. As the light never returned even after they removed the bandages.
A chorus of beeps and whirs filled the sterile hospital room pointing out to him that the accident was not a dream, it had not just stolen his vision; it had taken his hearing on the right side as well, another sense robbed of him… degraded, his hearing was vastly reduced as if muffled whispers and distant sounds all around him, talking about him, laughing at him … now a cripple.
Alex lost his vibrant world from that day he woke up as if he was standing still and the world moved around him, zooming past him, first thing was the pain, a relentless stream coursing through his body, throbbing with intensity that flared whenever he thought of moving or of the accident. He was drowned in meds initially, but the phantom pain was in his head still. His dose reduced after a while.
Before the Meds, every breath felt like an uphill battle, straining his diaphragm, each movement causing electricity to coarse through his body testifying to the fact that his spine was partially crushed as well. Confirmed later with a CT, his vertebra was crushed in two places though thankfully his spinal cord which is connecting the brain to the body was thankfully not severed.
Tubes snaked their way around him, his life tethered to the machines that surrounded him beeping and humming with readings of his body current state. A fuzzy and distant melody whenever he woke up from the meds. It was morning and he would doze off to wake up in the middle of the night. He lost count as the sun and the moon continued to rise and fall, dancing in tune as if seconds separated them.
A bunch of doctors came to assess his condition when he was awake, his muscles responded but skills that required fine control was beyond him as dull aching and occasional tremor was constantly running through his limbs, only relieved by muscle relaxants and pain relief medications.
His mind was cloudy and hazy as he struggled to piece together the fragments of memory that danced at the edge of his consciousness. His mother telling him to not to worry and that she loves him.
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He still remembers the moments before the accident, the sun warmly kissing his naturally light-tanned skin as the cool breeze fully announcing that winter was here. He was visiting the bait shop selling fish to buy a couple live shrimp. He parked at the end of the parking lot. he didn’t mind some walking, but then the screech of brakes, the fleeting sight of flippers in the sky, the sun growing closer, and then a creeping embrace of darkness.
A soft distant shuffle of footsteps announced the arrival of the doctors, his professor and friends and some doctors who he knew overtime and some unfamiliar faces, wearing a white coat with eyes of empathy.
…
He was a colleague. He worked as a radiologist. He was ‘a doctor’s doctor’. Whenever a case was hard or the doctors didn’t know what to do, they would consult him. He was the hidden engine that kept the hospital running, but now a patient in dire need of help.
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They gave it to me straight, and I could tell that it pained them greatly, or maybe I imagined it. I was not ready though to face them or to face his reality. I just nodded through it all. Waiting for any good news… heh ‘a cripple seeking comfort’ what a sad self-loathing thought.
My mother was by my left side as my brother and 3 sisters sat on the right side, I couldn’t see them well and I honestly didn’t want to see them. As the eldest brother… the backbone of the family and the bread winner… reduced to this state. Their pity and sorrow would destroy me. I wasn’t ready for any of this.
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I am HOLLOW. I truly feel Hollow and small. Every limitation or assistance hollowing my existence just a tad further.
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Months pass.
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Physiotherapy to regain control of my crippled body was showing mild success, but I was not hopeful. My self-loathing and lack of significant progress robbing me of hope.
I tried. I really did, and don’t get me wrong I will continue to, but I am losing faith. My mom was growing older and my siblings are trying to shoulder what I was carrying …… as well as carrying me…. A burden that is crushing the core of my existence.
I cried again.
Tears came to me easier now I don’t know why.
Tears just roll down my cheeks these days. I cried more this week than in the past 26 years.
I am a 26 years old cripple and a burden now.
My siblings are still in college but two of them graduated a year and two years ago respectively.
They are working now, toiling through corporate slavery.
My brother is 20 this year, my sisters 18, 22, and 23.
…..
I am proud of all of them.
Really proud and grateful.
To my core.
And sorry.
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I am ashamed... of myself.
I am ashamed... to ask for help.
I am ashamed for existing.