……..sighs….”

I am second…even today….hah…I came second, again!?!”, I thought to myself.

…………………………….

Three years ago.

According to my parents, who are self-proclaimed ‘geniuses’, I am the ‘black sheep’ of our family, well, I admit ‘that’ I am, okay, maybe!!

Let me tell you guys some facts about my family.

My elder sister is a Cardiologist, my younger brother is a national level chess champion who, yet in his career, hasn’t lost to anyone and he is only 14 and that is already a year younger than me!! My parents are reputed and respected bankers in a nationalised bank of our country…so yeah, after hearing all that, it’s obvious why I have this inferiority complex, no?!

Even in my middle school because of my reign over the second place, never coming first, I was always being ‘compared’ to my siblings and their glorious endeavours by our teachers and fellow classmates and sometimes it just didn’t stop at ‘that’.

Yes, I reckon that it’s true and I am proud of them but when you are at my place, though only sometimes, it did suck. Even I feel sorry for myself….….dry laugh. But then again, no matter what anyone says or think, the love and respect and pride I have for my kin is second to none which, by the way, is being reciprocated……. but still, still it hurt.

You know, when you are giving it your all and just because you came second your hard work is ignored and you are deemed hopeless, it will hurt, I am, after all, a human and not a doll, who, as a matter of fact, can and will get hurt, who can feel lonely, who is sad. Some of you might think that it’s really conceited of me to say ‘’it myself that, I work hard but I do come second, it’s not like I fail! Though I am not proud of it or anything, still sometimes, when I think to myself, it’s not that bad of a position, is it?

It’s always in the last question when my hand freeze-out, it may sound like an excuse but I do have nervous breakdowns and the result, I get placed second, always!! It might be my bad luck or whatever but always, always it’s the same! But God I swear, I do work hard. It might be due to the fact that, the light of my siblings’ fame is a bit too bright, which has and can blind people, it simply doesn’t mean, I am dark or a black-sheep or goat or whatever.

…hah…. Returning to the subject, because of this constant motion of demotivating me, which had become the favourite past time of my teachers in my previous schools, I got depression attacks. Well many-many incidents in the past led to this me.

It’s like until yesterday for me but, actually, it’s been a month already!

So now, are you guys like, ‘Okay! We got it. So, what exactly happened to you?!’

……hahaha….

Actually, it’s a bit embarrassing but…how to put it?

.....hah….

Well until then, practically since the 3rd year in my elementary school, which continued to my last middle school, I was being bullied!

Yes, even at this day and age I was being bullied and I also chose and preferred to remain silent. I never said anything, ever! I don’t know if that was the cause, but something ignited those people and as the days passed the level of their pranks kept improving.

I have been tolerating all of that and with the constant bickering of my parents and relatives, adding the pressure from school which has been continuing for the past 5 to 6 years or so, I thought I got accustomed to it but being a human being, with blood running through my veins, I was unable to become a doll, devoid of emotions so yes, I got hurt and before I knew it, I was suffering from a huge trauma…..hahaha……and hence I had become this person.

I am someone who has been doing nothing for days, I even stopped going out of my room!!

All of this happened, the day after I had my middle school graduations (it was February the 11th and now it’s already 10th of March), when I was trying to go out of my room for some errands, I had allergic reactions, I had hives, I was unable to step out of our house!!

I was definitely TRAUMATISED, I mean I am a ‘second born’ and it’s something I didn’t even have my hands on but still, yes, still those classmates of mine teased and taunted at me using my birth.

“Come on guys, grow up!! Even jokes had their limits and you are definitely crossing it!!”, sometimes I wanted to say these lines on their face at the top of my voice but I didn’t, it might have changed something but who knows how?

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

You can say that I am being way too negative, but that is how I grew up! I have been absorbing negative things for many years, so, it’s no wonder, no??

I used to get scared, thinking that they might make another joke on me, that is, if I shouted.

Do you know why?

Well, it’s because I start stammering whenever I try to speak for myself, yes, I can’t even ask someone, to give me a glass of water without stammering because it’s something I need for myself. I know it sounds ridiculous but think about it from where I stand!!

My sister told me that it might be because I get too nervous or else, I think that I don’t deserve and shouldn’t get anyone’s help because of how I grew up, you know, always standing at the corner, whenever my parents threw a party or eating after my family had their meal, it might be because I think too little of myself or something along those lines.

According to her, it’s definitely a defect in the way of my thinking, it’s nothing of a disorder or, practically, it might become one, again that is, if I don’t improve my interaction skills and after saying all this, she started crying like a baby. She was being a professional until then but after that she became the loving sister, who loved her cute Mi way beyond reason.

She hugged me and crying she said,” Mi, I am truly sorry for what you have gone through!! All these years I was not here, I never knew…….hic…… that the Mi, who loved to be pompous and always had the smile of an angel had turned into someone who can’t even smile genuinely. I am sorry, I am so sorry!!”. Do you get the reason I can’t stop loving my siblings, hm?

I also started crying, after so many years I cried, it was not because I felt sad or because I will be unable to speak normally again, I was used to talk very less and since I knew that there is probably no one who can make my communication skills grow, I had already decided that I will be unable to speak normally, sad, no?(….I thought it was trivial and didn’t make a fuss over it but little did I know that, very soon, real soon, this was going to push me further into the corner……).

So, the reason I cried, well it was because after long last someone, at last, someone had held me this close.

My brother loves to come into my bed. He loves to sleep beside me and because he is smaller than me, I think it’s because he hasn’t had his growth spurt yet, but still, since, he is smaller in size, whenever we sleep, the feeling of hugging someone comes rather than being hugged, of course I can’t expect that from my parents so, even though my elder sister is a little bit smaller than me, when she embraces me I feel protected.

Since the times, when I was a small and frail kid, I always felt that her hands were big and the way she uses to pat my head, it’s the best thing ever!!

I think of her as my sister my mother and she is half of my world, the other half being my brother.

By the way all of this happened before my graduations, it was when my sister had come home after her overseas trip, when she saw me like this she, at first, thought that maybe, it was due to exams pressure and left it at that but then she after consulting our maids and our brother she found out the truth, she made her observations and told me the results and that probably was the starting point.

Even though I didn’t think much of it, it came as a bigger shock than expected.

I couldn’t talk normally, not now, not ever, not even in my new school!!

When I started thinking of my new school life, some sudden thoughts came drifting into my head. Some of them were like, what if I stammered during my introduction, maybe it will be excused but I was not sure and what if that happened and what if this happened and these ‘what ifs’ made the already little-coward-heart of mine tremble with fear.

Now that I think of it, it might have started way before that but because of what I had been tolerating, you know “School-life Traumas” AKA SlTs, for all these years plus this new addition, somewhere in a corner of my heart, I think I had already decided to go down the NEET way, for all those non-otakus out their it stands for Not engaged in education (nor) trained!!

After my graduations, my rebellious phase, at long-last, had started and came with full force!!

It was lit with 100 percent burst power, it might be because of all these years of compressing it forcefully or something along those lines but the rebel inside me was let loose!!

Because, just think, the me who didn’t even breathe without the assurance and permission of my parents, actually didn’t appear any sort of exams, for my High school prospect, practically, I was making a joke of everything they, my parents, had taught me. Every single thing they had and hadn’t done for me, for all these years, were in vain or so, I was going to make of it, as, in the next few days the few exams which were left were going to be conducted and the way I am now, it’s probably, all over for me or so I thought!

Leaving those useless things aside, hahaha…I said that exams are useless!! ‘Rebellious’, indeed!! I can say this because I am a person, who in hopes of getting the first place ‘this’ time has given exams even with a 103-degree Fahrenheit fever!!

I never knew I was the kind of person who could get distracted this easily, I mean where was I again, oh! yes, I was going to tell you, what I have been doing for these last two months, sorry for all that, I got side- tracked.

So, you are still interested, aren’t you??

Well I had become a hard-core otaku!!

I remained sleepless for nights, something I have never done even before my exams, in order to watch the streaming animes and such.

I just knew that, Otaku people were like this, I had some classmates who belonged to the fandom but back then I couldn’t follow their way of thinking and now when I am the same, I am starting to get what and how they felt.

I cry when it’s shoujo and scream when it’s shounen, I discovered a new door for me, ironically enough, my doors were closed!!

For days I closed myself up and when animes were not streaming, I used to get immersed in a mobile game called “MOBILE LEGEND: BANG BANG”, on a side note, it rocks!!

My favourite characters are ‘Layla’ and ‘Zilong’.

Well in this game, since it’s a 5 on 5 and of course I don’t have real or online friends, I was matched up with different players from different countries, of different backgrounds who usually didn’t think of anything other than winning so, with a common goal in mind, we worked together and it felt good, I was a refugee and this platform had become my saviour. Many of the times I won and sometimes I lost but I felt that I was alive so, in the least, I was happy!! Even though I knew I was running away from reality, even though my parents thought that it was not substantial, I was living the life of my dreams!!

………………………………………………………….