Once upon a time, so the story goes, a young person (girl or boy) leaves home, mother (or father, or both) to find their (destiny, career, job opportunities, fortune) in the world at large. They encounter a side kick of some sort (human or animal) and gain an older mentor (wizard? wise person? god/goddess?) who teaches them everything they need to know, except what will save their life at the crucial moment. They get to their unplanned, but final destination only to confront Evil in whatever form it may take (human, animal, magic or ferocious.. or all of the above) and defeat said evil at extreme cost, but never ultimate price of life and limb. Finally said hero (or heroine) rises triumphant to take their place in history (or fiction).
So then what? Does the hero marry the heroine (or vice versa)? Does the mentor get validated? Does the side kick ever become the hero of their own story?
After the happily ever after... I guess that’s my story. I was once the hero of one of those mythical, against-all-odds-he-wins, good-verses-evil, tails. My story is typical – young boy with a modicum of wit and talent, left home to seek fame and fortune, met one talking squirrel (yeah I know, but this is one of the less famous fairy tales) and one older, not-so-talented, Murphy’s-law-jinxed wizard, ended up in the mountains at the other end of the countryside that I was aiming for, fighting for my life against one ugly ice giant, to save the world from being entombed in ice. We managed. Did anyone notice? Not really. Did anyone care? Not much. No rewards for this hero beyond knowing the world was safe (yet again) from Evil. No parade, no chest full of gold, not even a pretty girl to give me a kiss of gratitude. Honestly, after the shock wore off, I felt kind of cheated.
The name is Ned. Ordinary name for an ordinary boy. Yup, still a boy – these hero-making tales really don’t take long.. year or two at most. The squirrel I got stuck with as a side kick (why can’t I have a cat or a dog or a horse or something less.. weird??) is an ordinary gray squirrel, except that he chatters in understandable human language. No extraordinary magical powers there, except that he’s pretty useful at getting into locked places. I named him Chip, because well. I just liked the name. My mentor/guide, if you can call him that, is the world’s worst wizard Norton, who’s really nice and all, just can’t cast a spell worth beans and actually have it do what he meant it to do. Oh, and apparently I DON’T have magical talent, so I’m not sure why I got a wizard as a so-called mentor --- I seem to pull him out of more scrapes than he does me.
So this is the after-the-story story. Where to begin.. how to explain... Well, Norton always says begin at the beginning, that’s the place to start, so I guess that’s where we’ll go.
After defeating the ice giant (I won’t go into how we did that – just say it was rather disgusting and leave it at that) we were stuck in his cave for the rest of the winter on the mountaintop. Three whole months of boredom. I scrounged around and found the ice giant’s stores, so at least we ate ok. Unfortunately ice giants tend to like cold foods, so it was rather chilly. Like most Evil creatures, he collected items of interest to him. This one was silly though, as he collected icicles and snowflakes. He had a way of making them stay perfectly preserved, but who wants to look at snow all day?? He didn’t collect anything valuable like diamonds or silver or other cold-looking things that would be worth selling. We kept warm by burning the giant’s furniture, which was at least made of wood. Huge stuff, thank diety. Norton studied his one magic book, Chip hibernated, and I.. I hung around. I asked Norton once to make me some playing cards, and he conjured me paper and ink. I made my own cards. I played endless games of solitaire and perfected my snowball throw. And kept house.. er cave.
Once spring arrived on our mountaintop, we packed up our things and headed down the mountainside, picking our way through mudslides and rockfalls that were the result of the glacier coming loose when we got rid of the ice giant. That took us about a month to do, and when we finally reached the Long North Road, it was just coming into summer in the valley. There were no people anywhere in this valley – most people have better sense than to go where there’s a giant of any kind, so we had to make do in camps along the way.
Finally we reached civilization – a few huts huddled beside the road, and a few surly peasants digging in the dirt to keep body and soul together. We didn’t bother them and they didn’t bother us. The next village was a bit more substantial, and had even a tavern for the locals to gather in, but since we had no coins to rub together, we didn’t even try it. I washed up in the public fountain a bit, and stared at my reflection. Under the dirt was a not-bad-looking boy. I was fifteen, with dirty blond hair (the color of sandy mud) and brown eyes, but nothing else to distinguish me from hundreds of other not-bad-looking boys. I was a good deal dirtier than most though. I had filled out some in arm and chest since we started this trip, and I had definitely gotten taller, given the four inches of wrist and ankle sticking out of my clothes, but other than that, I was ordinary in appearance. I wore serviceable brown tunic and trousers, with plain sandals tied on my feet. I had a dagger at my belt, along with flint and tinder, but that was it.
I saw a burly man looking askance at me, and knew it was time to move on. Whenever village policemen start giving you the evil eye, you’d better move or face being put to hard labour just for loitering. I collected Norton and Chip from the village square and we left, spending yet another night in the fields, camping out.
We passed another few weeks like this, wondering from village to hamlet to another different-but-same village, always camping out and eating what stores we had taken from the ice giant’s cave supplemented by what game I could catch and what we could glean from fields around us. Most villagers ignored us as beggars, and there were few other travelers on the road, usually on horseback, and they didn’t even notice us as being any different from the peasants in the villages.
I remember the night They came. We had camped in a ditch beside the road, and Norton was snoring away. Chip had curled up behind Norton’s legs and was snuffling like he was dreaming about acorns. I was awake, staring into the fire, watching it dwindle down, and not really thinking about anything at all.
He placed a hand on my shoulder. I nearly jumped right out of my skin. I hadn’t heard him come up, and frankly, I think he just appeared out of thin air. He smiled at me, and sat down beside me. On the other side of me was a young woman, and when I noticed her I jumped again, and then blushed, because she was wearing snug fitting clothes that left nothing to the imagination, and a young boy like me was definitely not used to that. A third, an older man, stepped into the firelight in front of me, and looked at me. By now, I was so in shock that Diety himself (herself?) could have appeared and I don’t think I would have been surprised.
They were silent at first, while the eldest, and apparently the leader, studied me, as if weighing me in the balance of life. Whatever he saw must have pleased him, because he nodded once. The young woman and the man each placed a hand on my shoulder and then the campsite, Norton and Chip disappeared.
In their place was an ordinary-looking house, with an ordinary-looking courtyard, filled with people hustling back and forth, surrounded by ordinary looking houses and shops. What was odd was that no one seemed to look askance at the fact we just appeared out of no-where. The man who still had his hand on my shoulder, pushed me forward a little bit, while the young woman sashayed her way to the door. I was too busy watching her sway to notice that the door was patterned with symbols (I definitely noticed later... ) and was definitely not an ordinary door. The door swung open of its own accord, and we entered the small house.
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
Which was immediately obvious as not being what it seemed. I stopped watching the girl and started paying attention to what was going on around me. After all, I didn’t get to be a hero without paying attention to details. Surrounding me was a huge open great room, that seemed larger than the entire house appeared on the outside. Seating arrangements, potted plants and trees, low tables and lamps, long bookshelves and desks were littered throughout the room, along with lots of people and creatures studying, chatting, reading, writing, and doing all sorts of strange things. Dominating the very centre was a large circular desk, and seated behind it were three authoritative figures.
It didn’t surprise me to learn they weren’t human. I was starting to get over all the shocks, and just relaxing into the flow of the strangeness. I glanced around and noticed the door behind me disappeared into the wall, and gave a mental shrug. Anyone who can teleport obviously would be able to find me, so I wasn’t getting away, and anyway, I didn’t seem to be in any danger.
We walked straight to the desk, led by the young woman, who gave a small token to the nearest of the figures, who appeared to be stone gargoyles on first examination. Except they moved. And talked.
“Room 1034A. They are expecting him,” it said in an musical voice, at odds with its garish features.
The young woman nodded, and turned to the left. She walked directly to a bank of doors on the opposite wall, which had no handles or windows. The young man propelled me forward again, though I was now curious enough to come of my own voilition. She pushed on something near the doors, and all of a sudden, they split in front of me. I blinked. We walked into what seemed a tiny room, and the doors shut behind us. There was a row of colored lights on the wall beside the doors, and the young woman touched one. Nothing seemed to happen for a few minutes, but then the doors opened again, and to my surprise, the great room we had been in had disappeared. Now we appeared to be in a hallway, stretching as far as I could see, with doors opening off it in periodic intervals.
I was pushed gently forward, again, out of the small room, and the doors closed behind me. I wondered what kind of magic these people had, but didn’t dare say anything. I just kept my eyes and ears open, and my thoughts to myself. But, I’ll admit, a slight fission of fear traveled down my spine, at the knowledge of their power.
We walked down the hall quite a ways, past doors marked with strange figures. I knew to read and write, and could do my sums, but I guessed these were figures of a different language. Finally, we stopped in front of another door, marked with more of those strange figures:
1034A
I stood there with the young man and woman, and waited. And waited. Finally, I got bored, and turned to my companions, who stared straight ahead. Ok.. no help there. I studied the door, then hesitantly, I knocked.
Immediately, the door opened. I stepped in, and the door shut behind me, leaving my companions outside. I was alone, in a strange room, in a strange place.
Ok, very weird.
I looked around me, at the room. It was a medium size, with a large table in the middle of it, surrounded by cushioned chairs. In one corner stood an upside down jug filled with what looked like water, and small cups made of paper, beside it. Immediately, I noticed I was thirsty, and walked over to it. I picked up a cup, and stood there studying the jug. Beneath the jug was a small spout, with a colored circle above it. Carefully, I touched the circle, which sunk beneath my finger, and a spurt of water came out of the spout. Ah.. it clicked in my head. I put the cup under the spout and touched the circle again, and water poured into my cup. I drank it greedily, and repeated my actions. Fasinating, I thought. The water tasted pure and fresh and cold, like out of a spring in the ice giant’s mountains.
“Very good.” Someone clapped behind me. Startled, I jumped around, still holding the empty cup. In front of me, was a tree.
Yes, a tree. It had a trunk covered in bark, long thin branches, light green leaves. I peered at it, expecting it to talk again.
“Yoo hoo, over here, m’boy.” I turned my head, and there seated at the table, was an older gentleman, dressed in a black coat, a white shirt, blank pants, and a small black bow at his throat, with his hands clasped over his large paunch, his hair white and combed neatly, and a white trimmed beard and mustache decorating his jolly face. His eyes twinkled blue at me, and he smiled. He lifted one large hand and motioned to the seat across from him. “Join me?”
I blushed, and I obediently sat down in the chair indicated, and looked at him carefully. He winked at me. I smiled, in spite of myself, feeling a bit more comfortable.
“I’m sure you’re very curious, m’boy, as to all you’ve seen today, but I must say, you’re handling it quite well, quite well.” He chuckled, his belly jiggling a little under his hands. “Let me introduce myself. I’m Professor Nicholas, headmaster of the Academy here.”
“This is a school?” I blurted out. That explained all the people and books in the great room, I thought.
“That’s right, m’boy. You are a quick one, I must say. I’m impressed. Not that I wasn’t before, but that would be why you’re here. You’ve impressed us, m’boy, and we want to offer you a scholarship.”
“What’s a ‘skoll-er-ship’?” I asked, sounding out the unfamiliar word.
“Er.. a spot in our school without having to pay for it, m’boy. I do forget where you’ve come from, one of those backwards worlds where the peasantry are kept ignorant.” He dismissed the question, with one impatient wave. “But let me explain. We want you to be a student in our school. You have potential, m’boy. Great potential. We’ve been watching you on your quest, and given the inadequate resources, you did very well. Impressive, indeed.”
I thought fast. A school.. for what? I wondered. And where was I? Obviously not on my ‘backward’ world, I thought, bristling at my home being called backward. Then I laughed at myself. Compared to here, wherever I was, backward was generous. Ok, a school. People were taught things in schools.. so what would I be taught? And why?
I opened my mouth to ask just that, and he held up one hand. “Nevermind the questions, answered soon enough, soon enough, in your orientation. All you need to do is say yes or no. Say yes, and for the next 4 years, you don’t have to worry about where you’ll sleep, what you’ll wear, or scrounging enough to eat. Say no, and we’ll put you back at your campfire with no one the wiser that you’ve been missing.”
Ok.. strange again. I’m supposed to accept a promise of food and shelter without knowing what the catch is? Or go back to what I had.. nothing. Risk some impossible service or be reduced to begging.. Hmm.. well, I’m sure I can handle whatever the catch was, or find a way out of it. I defeated an ice giant practically single-handedly. I straightened my shoulders. Surely whatever it is, it won’t be harder than that.
Famous last words.
“Ok, sure. I’ll stay. I mean, go back to what? Begging for the rest of my life, or until I get put in chains for just being a vagabond? I’ve got nothing there,” I winced at the thought of Chip and Norton, but shrugged. They’d get on without me. I hoped, crossing my fingers. “Yes,” I said to the man.
“Excellent, excellent, m’boy. Oh, and don’t worry about your friends. They’ll be taken care of, m’boy. Not the type to survive on their own, what? Not to worry, not to worry, we’ll take care of them.”
How did he do that? I wondered. I felt some relief, though I wasn’t sure what ‘taken care of’ meant, but I hoped it was good.
“So, m’boy, lets get down to business.” He began stacking papers in front of me. So this is what happens to the random heros. Not the ones claiming birthright or heroines, the ones left to molder in history when the story ends.
They go to school, at the Universal Academy of Heroic Unknowns. Run by the MIDS.
“Welcome to the Academy.”
Indeed.