Hey! So you’re probably wondering why I’m still talking at this point. I’m dead, riiiight~? Completely donezo. Beaten to the dirt, sent flying off a bridge, lost all of my honor and glory, yadda yadda. Sure, it was an epic finale to a battle that decided the fate of my kingdom, but when you’re dead, you’re dead! D-E-A-D, dead. Suuuuper dead.
But wait—here’s the twist. This isn’t my first rodeo. Nope, I’ve been reincarnated before, and I became a hero with my own theme music and everything. I made myself into the perfect little Mary Sue, all suited up and decked to the nines with every little blessing and skill I could find. It took almost three decades, but despite all the pain and suffering, I was practically the poster child for a shounen anime!
Or, well, I tried to be. Clearly, that didn’t pan out, though. So, this is me me now. Some chump that died two worlds ago. Gotta love that irony, huh? I tried living up to the whole ‘hero’ shtick, threw myself into the role, and then bam! I died because of some stupid loophole. Same thing happened the first time, but let’s not dig into that mess.
So what’s next? I had some idea, if it was anything like last time. But it feels like I’m stuck in this big ol' waiting room. Is it for the next life? Or maybe the afterlife? Who knows.
I remember the first time this happened, when I was stuck “in between”. I was really hoping to meet some cute goddess or at least get a nice tour of pearly gates, but nope! Instead, I got stuck in the coldest, darkest void you can imagine. And then—POOF!—I was a baby again. Talk about a rude awakening.
Really confusing until I had enough brain juice in that noggin of mine to understand that I was reborn. Yeah, like I was waking up from some weird coma, drifting in and out of a fever dream. You know, that kind of vibe.
As I pondered this torrent of thoughts, floating through the void, I remembered there was someone I met after the first time I died. Some… thing. They were a bit of a weirdo, though. I still can’t decide if it was a guy or a girl. Hell, at this point, I’m not sure they knew either.
As the endless blackness slowly faded into a soft, comforting gray, I groaned like a guy who just realized he missed a meeting. I closed my eyes, felt the forming ground, and then—wait for it—I sat up.
Okay, that’s progress. I have a body now. Not the first time this happened, so no big surprise there. But the colors shifting around me? Well, that was the same before too, actually.
“Heya, there.” A voice rang out, all soft and calming, like someone greeting you after you’ve been in a coma for a few weeks. Honestly, it sounded like talking to an old friend—if that friend had an oddly soothing voice. It almost felt nostalgic, and I swear it was the exact same thing they said to me the last time.
I cracked my eyes open to a scene that felt straight out of a 1950s TV show—gray scale, old-timey vibes, the whole shebang. The ground beneath me was this weird, feathery, checkered floor that stretched on forever, like the world’s most comfortable carpeted hill. Seriously, it wasn’t the kind of floor you’d find in a school hallway—it felt more like the inside of a pillow or the underside of a bird’s feathers. It was soft, cozy, and honestly? I was about two seconds away from curling up and taking a nap.
The world here was tiny, too. Last time, I figured I could’ve walked around the whole place in less than an hour—tops. The sky was this weird blend of off-whites, like a constant, never-ending moonlight. It was the kind of light that made you feel like you could wait forever, and it’d still feel like you were just waiting. Not exactly the most promising of places.
Interestingly enough, there was a home, or at least a conventional building that looked like a home, settling off in the distance, with a couple of palm trees. I assume this is still the home of the voice I just heard, as I smirked at the possible misfortune of somehow getting an eviction notice here and being kicked out to the heavenly astroturf.
“Can you hear me? I’m glad you seem to be taking this so well, but it’s important to remember why you’re here.” The voice droned on. At this point, I finally turned my gaze to where the voice was coming from—the person who seemed to have all the answers. Spoiler alert: they didn’t.
There they were, sitting on the floor like it was no big deal—no desk, no chair, just spandex-covered limbs sprawled out. They were… well, pretty much featureless. Light gray body, arms, legs—just your average humanoid spandex mannequin with fingers and toes thrown in for good measure. No face, no ears (barely), but if I squinted hard enough, I could almost see what was probably concern. Or maybe it was a massive headache from putting up with my nonsense.
To sum it up: they looked like a lanky adult in a full-body spandex suit. Custom-fitted, of course, because why not make the afterlife’s fashion game on point? It was spotless too, which was almost suspicious. I watched them for a sec as they scratched an itch on their ribs, and the material of their suit stretched and pulled like it was alive—like a fancy yoga outfit that doubled as a straightjacket.
“Hey, God. Good to see you again.” I finally spoke up, sitting myself up straight. I scratched at my own spandex suit, realizing I was rocking one too—darker gray, but still way too tight. Itched like hell, too. I remembered the last time I figured this out. I’d yanked at the thing, trying to rip it off like some dumb pro-wrestler flexing for the cameras, only to find more spandex underneath. And more. Eventually, I ended up with something that looked like a makeshift skirt. Yeah, I gave up after that. The spandex is my school uniform now. A part of my life I couldn’t escape, apparently.
“You do know I’m not God, right? I’m just a guy. A Guidance Guy, to be precise.” the figure replied, sounding like they were totally in on the joke.
“Ah, right! I used to call you G.G. Remember that?” I grinned, thinking back to my old death jokes, like how I’d casually say “Guess it’s GG for me!” when things went south.
““You did, and I hated it, but now? Now I’m fine with it. Kind of grew on me, actually.” He shrugged, “Call me Guidance Guy, Guy, or ‘G.G.’—whatever floats your boat,” Then he said an old name that I haven’t heard in almost thirty years.
“Ah, yeah, I’d prefer Adrian now.” I corrected, raising an eyebrow. “I’m sure you saw how I lived my life before, right? You’d better have!”
“I see. Adrian, huh?” He paused for a second, like he was racking his brain to remember something important, or maybe just trying to recall what he had for dinner last night. “I thought you’d go for your old name, but... no matter. Adrian, I’m sorry to say this, but—”
“Yeah, I died. Pretty badly, too. Did you see the way I flew off that bridge? From such a stupid thing, too.” I interrupted.
G.G. hesitated for a second, like they were trying to figure out how to break it to me gently. But hey, considering my utter lack of concern for my untimely demise, I’m guessing casual was probably the way to go here.
“Yeah, it was. Those demons really seemed to be gunning for you, huh? The harpies in particular were quite the treat.”
“Look, I know you’re probably watching everything go down, but don’t you dare start ogling the girls that were trying to kill us!” I scolded, and we both chuckled. Underneath their spandex, I could swear I saw a little exasperated grin stretching across their face.
I couldn’t blame them, honestly. When I was in “Adrian Mode”, or whatever you wanna call my in-life personality, I was a chaste man whose eyes looked to the holy light. Here though, as just… well, old me, I’d totally understand why he would leer at some harpy titties. I would have let my perversion get the better of me too if they weren’t trying to murder me. Kind of hard to get a chub on when you’re already busy with a battle boner.
“Really though, I knew you were trying to make a name for yourself,” they remarked with a shrug, both hands in the air. “But I wasn’t expecting a demon invasion to occur in the world I picked for you. I wanted to make sure you knew that I was trying to give you a fighting chance, so I’m sorry it ended like that.”
“Fair enough. But let’s be real here. With my line of work—being a hero and all—it’s not like my life expectancy was ever gonna be that high to begin with.” I shrugged, shaking the lewd thoughts away.
“Still, like you had promised, you worked hard from the day you could walk. You led a good life. Helped people.” G.G. paused. “Though I have to admit, you were a bit unorthodox in your methods. And let’s not even talk about how much of a troublemaker you were for your peers.”
“Look, there’s always going to be people trying to box me in with their rules and regulations just so they can feel all high and mighty!” I waved a hand dismissively. “I wasn’t about that, even in my old-old life! I played their game, memorized every scripture, and trained my ass off with a sword until I was basically a hero out of some video game. I saved people I cared about!”
“You almost really died there early on. Remember when you were all cocky with your swordplay, only to get mauled by a ridiculously fiendish owlbear?” G.G. smirked, clearly enjoying this bit too much.
I remembered. Back then, I was just a Novice-Class Holy Knight, still green and eager, tagging along with some peers and a Saint-Class Paladin. We were sent into the woods after reports of a creature attacking caravans. An owlbear—big, mean, and really tough. I thought it was a cakewalk. One good slash with a longsword, and it’d bleed out. But nope. What I didn’t count on was it being a massive, territorial alpha male. The owlbear wasn’t just some rabid beast; it was a monster stacked like a brick house with something to prove. And dying from blood loss? Not so quick.
The damn thing had a death wish, too, and in the time it took to bleed out, it got me good. Next thing I knew, I was on the brink of death, staring up at the trees wondering why I was so stupid. So, I came back here, cursing like a sailor, and got a nice little lecture from G.G. about things like “knowing my limits” and “taking care of myself” while he handed me a report card on how I’d done in my previous life. Great. A freaking report card. But hey, lucky for me, a Paladin found me and managed to pull me back from the brink, and I learned my lesson... eventually. That lesson? Don’t go charging at things that could rip you apart just because you think you’re the hero in the story.
“I’ll admit it, I learned from that reckless mistake. You really helped me on that day, G.G., so... uh, thanks. Never thought I’d say it, but I’m actually kinda glad we met.”
“Glad, huh...?” G.G. grinned. “Let me remind you that the first time we met, you spent hours trying to argue and debate me into resurrecting you. And then you called me a—what was it...?” Another pause. “Oh yeah. A ‘stupid, useless, no-good-excuse sack-of-shit that judged others and should just die already.’ Quite the mouthful, don’t you think?” G.G. chuckled, clearly finding that moment pretty funny.
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I winced, cringing at the reminder of just how bad I’d been before I was reincarnated. I was a middle-aged man, still stuck in his teenage years, obsessed with anime, porn, and all that lazy, self-indulgent crap. It’s almost depressing to think that I shed that life, like peeling off a layer of this spandex, when I became a Paladin... only to have someone—G.G.—see me for exactly what I was. A spoiled, self-centered mess. Yeah, I was ashamed of that.
“Sorry...” I muttered, embarrassed.
“Don’t be,” G.G. said thoughtfully. “Your apology came with a bit of growth, and that’s all I ever asked for. Even if it’s only a little growth.”
“Only slightly, huh? So, does that mean you’ve got a report card on my life now? All my karma points and such?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“A report card? You think I’m some kind of teacher? Nah, I’d rather think of myself as more of a guidance counselor, thanks.” G.G. gave a warm, self-deprecating laugh. “But sure, in the grand scheme of things, you could call it a report card. And yeah, as far as I’m concerned? You passed with full marks.”
I couldn’t help but nod enthusiastically, throwing in a couple of arm pumps for good measure. “Hell yeah! Knew I turned it around! Thanks, G.G.!”
“Don’t start celebrating just yet, Adrian,” G.G. said, their tone suddenly shifting to something more serious.
“What do you mean? Did I do something irrevocably wrong?” I asked, mentally sweating at all the possible actions I could have taken that ran afoul of the karma police law, like the flash of anxiety you get when an officer asks “Do you know why I pulled you over?”.
“Well… no…” G.G. said, looking slightly nervous as they leaned forward, their chin resting in their hands. “It’s just that, uh… it’s complicated.” Yeah, no kidding. As if that vague explanation cleared anything up. Like hell it did!
“Alright, so what’s going on?” I asked, a little nervous now.
G.G. clapped their hands together as they began to explain. “So, the first time we met, we made a deal. You live a redeeming life, and I helped you live your next life in a world of your choosing.”
“The world you asked for, and I quote,” they went on with a chuckle, “‘A bunch of cute elves and hot blue-haired demon girls with big—excuse me, ‘humongous’—titties, that I could retire and have fun with!’” They grinned. “I actually found a place pretty close to what you wanted. Same kind of vibe as the last one you were just in, but... more up your alley.”
I felt the blood drain from my face for several reasons at this, but I gulped and nodded anyway. They went on.
“Despite you passing your test on living a better life and therefore fulfilling your end of the bargain, some wrenches have been thrown into the works, and in the delay of paperwork being sent through, the world has since been assigned to another, so I can’t send you to your ‘holy paradise’, as you would put it. I’m sorry.”
The last words hit me like two hammering blows to the heart. I crumpled in dismay as I prostrated on the floor, tears wanting to form but unable to leave my smoothed face. It may have not been necessarily the world I wanted now, but it certainly wasn’t off the menu of my old carnal desires. I remained chaste thanks to the harsh training regimen of becoming a Paladin, under the assumption that the next life I got for my penance would be lavished with smiling faces of cute girls just ready to fall head over heels for me.
And it was for nothing. All these years of strained impulses, the smiles through the pain, it was all squandered in mere moments. I cursed the lucky fucker that reincarnated in that world. I hoped his arms fell off, unable to grasp any lump of soft flesh, and his dick went limp at the mere sight of those beautiful women.
“Wuh... but why...?” I managed to croak, my teeth clenched in frustration.
“I know. It’s not optimal. Things like this do happen, though. It’s a shame, really. There was one red-head beauty that I was rooting for you to meet, too.” their voice, still soft, couldn’t contain a shit-eating grin, like they saw their best friend get rejected from a girl they knew was out of their league. I twisted at the words, like they were knives being driven into my sides.
“Please… stop…” I murmured as I began to fully collapse on the floor, the soft checkered fur inviting me into a lull. I wanted to lie there forever, perhaps to fall asleep and wake up in this nondescript fantasy world that had eluded my grasp.
“Like I said though, it’s complicated.” Guidance Guy went on. “You see, you’re only technically dead, but in a way, you’re not.”
Like I was shocked back into reality, my body jolted back up into a sitting pose, unable to process what they just said.
“What the hell, man? What do you mean, ‘technically dead’? I got my ass beaten, battered, and beheaded by some giant demon! My head literally flew off! How the hell is there coming back from that?!”
G.G. stared at me blankly, like I was the one speaking gibberish, not them.
“You’re not quite all there, okay? In so many senses of the phrase. I’m afraid you’re a bit jumbled up.” they finally confessed. I cocked my head forward, as if I just heard them call me a lunatic.
“Quit fucking around and just tell me what the hell is going on!” I shouted, my frustration boiling over. The words echoed, but G.G. stayed calm, not raising their voice. Typical school counselor move—just let the kid vent.
“I was getting to that,” G.G. they said solemnly, staring back at me with an empty look. “I can’t give you all the details, but I’ll explain what I can.”
“Right... yeah. Sorry. This is a bit much, you know?” I stammered, feeling a little embarrassed. It wasn’t like G.G. was messing with me. They were just trying to make sure I got through all of this, even if I’d been a complete jerk to them from the very beginning.
“Of course... Adrian,” G.G. said, almost like they were trying to get their thoughts together. “Let me break it down in a way that makes sense. Do you remember when the souls of those dead soldiers rose up to protect you and your friends?” They raised a finger like they were going to begin a lesson.
“Yeah, the spirit guardians summoned by Chandrabolg,” I said with a nod.
“Right. So that only works if the bodies are really fresh. The soul hangs around for a while, but eventually it moves on to the afterlife... or, in your case, the world we picked out for you,” G.G. explained. So far, this was starting to make sense.
“This place is like your own personal holding tank, keeping your soul from floating off until I can help guide it to where it needs to go next,” G.G. continued, pointing at themself.
“So far, so good. So what’s the catch this time?” I asked, scratching my head, not sure if I was going to like the answer.
“Take a look at this.” they noted as they leaned forward and pressed the palm of their hand toward me, and it suddenly stopped. A meter between us, their hand was leaning against a pristine layer of what appeared to be glass. I did the same, and when my hand tried to touch theirs, unable to do so, they squirmed and blushed as they retreated to their original sitting spot.
“Oh stop, you can’t, what will they think of us? I’d never be able to look directly into their eyes again!” they joked, giggling at some sort of lewd thought. I gawked at this comment as I shriveled back to my own spot.
“Ahem. As you can see, I can’t directly interact with you. This wasn’t here before, as you can recall that you chased me with the intent of strangling me when I said you were getting too mouthy the first time we met. For hours. Such stamina…” they said with a bit of distracted thought, as though the memory of me hunting them down to wrangle their neck was rather a delightful chase through the flowery meadows.
“Well, that’s not good, is it?” I said, still a little slow on the uptake.
“It’s not good at all,” G.G. said, shifting back to serious mode. “It means you haven’t, and can’t, pass on. You’re still dead, yes, but your soul remains trapped in some sort of limbo. Usually things like these suggest that you are like, how to say, a ghost or a shade.”
I blinked at G.G., unable to wrap my head around what they were saying.
“An undead?!” I shouted in disbelief.
“Y-yeah, something like that.” G.G. shrugged, looking a bit defeated. And suddenly, everything clicked.
I wasn’t about to reincarnate at all, no wonder why I wasn't about to hit the jackpot with cute elves and the like. I was here, sure, but that didn’t mean it was guaranteed to be time to ‘move on’. It was being sent to the boss’s office at work, waiting to be promoted, only to be scolded for some trivial thing and sent to work in my new office cube near the bathroom. I was being screwed over, hard!
“How the hell do I recover from this? Will I wake up as a ghost and need to find some peace to finally get my next chance?” I blurted, trying to calculate my odds of scraping a bittersweet victory out of this.
“I’m not really sure, to be honest. I don’t usually handle the undead. They’re mostly just growly, gurgly things that shuffle their souls off to the afterlife after they actually die. I mean, usually the soul doesn’t stick around, it kind of fragments and drifts off with all their regrets. But you?” G.G. gave a slightly dramatic pause. “You’re special. You’ve got me to thank for that.”
G.G. gave a little bow, as if expecting a round of applause for their heroic act of saving my sorry ass. I crossed my arms, giving them a skeptical look.
“I mean, I appreciate you keeping all my puzzle pieces together, but I’m still a damn mess,” I pointed out, clearly frustrated.
“Yeah you are. I’m afraid I’m not perfect in that regard, but I’m trying my best here. I do hope that your next adventure will help you put the pieces together.” they replied rather cryptically, as though they did know what was going to happen. Paranoia crept on my mind as I tried to suss out whatever meaning was behind the words before I continued, unable to do so.
“So, uh… what now?” I asked, a little less sure of myself.
“You’ll be going back, but just like you were born, you may not be as mentally intact as you hoped. You’ll need to pull yourself together out of what will feel normal for you, and find a way to either return to life, or be reborn in the next life.”
“So kind of like when I was a baby. Instead of focusing on shitting diapers, I need to realize that I’m an undead with willpower and break free of their natural instinct.” I concluded, catching the gist of what G.G. was laying down.
They gave a nod, looking pleased that I was finally catching on. “Precisely. Find the loose threads in your limited state, pull them free, unravel the truth, and gain yourself. From there, you’ll need to rebuild your, as you called it, report card for karma.”
“WHAT?! But you said I had full marks!” I exclaimed defiantly.
“Yeah, but things have... changed. A lot. It might not be the world you wanted, but it’s the one you’re stuck with for now.” G.G. gave a little shrug. “Do your best, and maybe I can toss you a mulligan next time. Who knows, maybe I can kick out the guy that took your paradise if they act up, and I’ll slot you in instead. That’s only more than fair for what you have to deal with, right?”
G.G. hung the carrot before me with a dozen sticks at the ready to be swung, but I gave up, unable to do much else.
“Guess it can’t be helped,” I said, standing up with as much resolve as I could muster. “Let’s see what kind of hero I can be this time.”
“Right… just do your best. That’s all I ever asked for,” G.G. said with a smile, standing up themselves and giving me a short wave. “Buh-bye for now, and here’s a little advice: try to resist that promotion your boss will offer. It’ll only make things harder.”
“Wait, you can read minds? What promotion? WHAT BOSS?!” I yelled, but G.G. just kept waving, clearly enjoying my confusion as the world around me started to get brighter. Then, just before I could make sense of it all, I slapped my head against the invisible barrier, and my vision blurred to nothing more than a pure mass of white.