“You might find this odd, Lorelai, but… I have always felt somewhat passive. I suppose it is more accurate to say that I do not really have any interest in leisure. I do not care for gold or wealth; I have neither hobby nor passion that I enjoy. Every day, I hone my swordsmanship, and I busy myself with administration—all to become a better King. To grasp ever so dearly to the principles of a hero.

“And it is not as if I dislike the work. On the contrary: It gives me joy knowing I am of use, but sometimes I wonder how different my life would have been if I was never chosen. Right now, my identity is that of a ruler. Back in the forest, my identity was of a caring brother. But if I had never been blessed with the Monarch’s Wings, and if I succeeded in raising Surasha from poverty and sent her off to the capital, what would my identity be then?

“Perhaps, in another life, I would have enjoyed being a traveling merchant. My skills in finance are not too shabby if I do say so myself, and the thought of exploring the world fills my heart with longing. Yet, I know I would never be happy. This desire is merely an escape, a guilty wish to run away from the hometown I left to be razed. It is only because I am now King that I have made peace with my actions, for this title has granted me the ability to help more than I could have ever imagined.

“Still, I find myself wondering at times… if I could go back and gather the courage to prevent that tragedy, would I be happier than now?”

- King Ascalon, Ruler of the Polus Monarchy

———

Ascalon

Ascalon…

I hear a voice. It calls out to me, but what for? I feel as if I am lost, spiraling through a cold and empty void. There, a hand reaches out to me, desperately attempting to pull me out, but I do not know those faces. I do know this touch. It is a warm and comforting sensation, but at the same time I cannot help but cower under their gaze. What do they want from me? Why do they look so solemn?

Ascalon!

What was I doing before this? Strange, I—I think I left something behind, something important. My soul screams to go back, yet I do not know where it wants me to go. And even if I could, would they care to welcome me again? Me, who is…

ASCALON!

I startle awake with a gasp, sweat dripping down my ash-covered face, and a little girl enters my view as the world gradually becomes more clear.

The girl is Surasha. She pouts before me, her bony body covered in rags, and she slams her tiny fist against my stomach.

“Hungry,” she says.

Ah, that’s right. I am taking care of Surasha. Odd, I usually get up before the dawn’s light can peek over the horizon, but to think I would sleep in for so long… was it something I ate? Well, I would have needed to eat something first for that to be true.

Maybe it has something to do with the dream I just had. It was a very strange, yet beautiful, dream. In it, I was King of all of Polus. The people looked up to me for guidance; I was a man none could call filthy. But whenever I try to look deeper, to remember the blurry faces of those by my side, an overwhelming wave of sadness washes over me.

I must have lived a lifetime in that ethereal world—a me of the future I shall likely never see again. Just how did the Ascalon of that dream grow up? Although I can feel a trace of sorrow within him, there is also something different. Something warmer.

I wonder if the me of that world was able to become a hero. Although I know it’s impossible, I cannot help but look towards the sky and imagine for myself a grander purpose. I know it’s foolish, that reality is never so kind to those who dare hope, but these hands of mine want so desperately to reach out to those far away fantasies.

But… why do I still feel so out of place? Has the dream not ended yet? If only that were true, but the pungent smell of dirt and filth suggests otherwise. No, as much as I loathe to admit it, this is the real world.

I shake my head and pick Surasha up. I cannot dwell on this right now; she needs to eat or else the sickness will come for her again. “I’m sorry, your brother was just feeling a bit tired. I’ll go find some food right away.”

“Okay…” she mumbles, struggling to keep her eyes open.

I look around our makeshift home of sticks and mud for anything edible, but it appears we’ve already picked clean our supply. All that’s left is some bark we use to shield against the wind and rain, and a couple of dried animal skins currently in use as a blanket.

The forest has been yielding less as of late, and I… I try to avoid scavenging around the village. Maybe some leaves will help stave off the hunger? But what Surasha needs is real food. Something clean and not dirty. I could go and try my luck at a nearby cave, but who knows what sort of animals lurk within. It is too dangerous; I cannot risk getting eaten, or else Surasha will be left alone.

… Maybe I do have to lurk around the village after all. It is bright out, but I should be able to slip in unseen as long as I’m careful. Stay to the shadows, stay away from the square, and everything will be fine.

The main problem will be getting out unharmed. Food has been hard to come by, even for the adults, ever since the legion began to raid our borders. They scorch our crops, slaughter our cattle… there are a lot of other kids like us just trying to survive. While Surasha and I chose the forest, the others decided to stay nearby even if it meant being harassed by the villagers.

If I get into a fight, I know all that awaits me is a helpless beating. That is how it’s always been; my body is frail, and Surasha is prone to illness, so it is no wonder why we out of all our siblings were fated to be kicked out.

But even after all these years, I cannot bring myself to hate our parents. I understood, then; there were too many mouths to feed. Someone had to go, and I… I know it tore them apart to do so. I can still see their guilty faces begging me to forgive them, and I have. I have a long, long time ago.

That is why I wish to avoid running into them. How would they react if they were to see me now, alive but struggling to make it to the morrow? Would they take Surasha and I in again? No, what’s done is done. Even though I have forgiven them, we cannot ever go back. This, right here, is now our life.

“Surasha, I have to go outside for a little bit,” I say while setting her down. “Are you alright with waiting just a little bit longer?”

“Mm…” she says, her arm latching around my leg. “Come back?”

“Always, I promise.”

After hesitating for a moment, Surasha lets go and snuggles herself under the blanket. She lets out a big yawn, closes her eyes, and soon drifts off to sleep.

Meanwhile, I get ready and wrap myself in some muddy clothes. The dark color will help me blend in with the forest, and I also take along a splintered metal pole I snatched from the smithy. The edge is dull and worn, but it will do. The weapon is meant more for intimidation rather than actual harm.

With my preparations complete, I finally set out for the village—my steps heavy and tense. It will take an hour or two on foot, though maybe I’ll be fortunate enough to find some fauna along the way. I have not seen any for months now, probably due to the empire’s tampering of the forest, but legion sightings are also sparse as of late. Maybe some of the wildlife have returned.

On second thought, maybe it is for the best. If they do come back, the hunters will likely snare them before I can. I should be satisfied with stripping for any scraps left behind.

I must be wary of the more dangerous beasts first before I can even dream of feasting on some meat. I wouldn’t need to visit the village in the first place if I was strong enough to hunt on my own, but… I’m scared. When faced with a life or death encounter, the reality is much, much more terrifying than the stories told in my book. Your skin pricks as if being stabbed by tiny little blades; your breath goes haggard from concentration; and time itself seems to slow as you nervously analyze your opponent’s every move.

I have only experienced that feeling once before, and it was when I happened to come across an injured Caelum deserter. I still remember the raw hatred and desperation in their eyes: filled with a fury willing to swallow everything within their gaze.

Stolen novel; please report.

I could have finished them off. They were already dying, collapsed and without a strength left in their limbs. I could have taken their head and returned to my village as a warrior, but something inside of me then refused to step forward. There, right there, was the cause of all my suffering, a symbol of torment serving under the empire’s banner. I just had to raise my weapon, and stab. That was all I had to do.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t kill them; instead, I ran. I ran away with all my might until my soles were shredded and bloodied, all in an effort to escape a corpse long vanished from sight.

I can never be a hero, just a coward. But even someone like me wants to live, to survive and prosper no matter how harsh the world is. I want to believe that things will be better; there has to be a light at the end of this long struggle. There has to be.

Hah, the day is already so tiring. I thought I had already banished these feelings, but ever since this morning, I cannot help but be plagued by a sense of melancholy. Strange, when did I start thinking like an adult? Even my words are rather stuffy and mature-like, as if I were a noble-born. Maybe a part of my dream self stuck with me when I woke up—

Crunch.

A sudden sound snaps me back to the present. A beast? Maybe prey? No, the sound is much clunkier. It sounds like metal.

I drop onto the ground and quickly hide under a bush, scanning the area for the source of the noise. Curses, I should have been more cautious. What is wrong with me today?

I see someone in the distance. They are not far, maybe… a couple paces away. Their figure is obscured, but the bronze gleam shining off armor is unmistakable.

It is a Caelum scout. Not injured, not deserting, and they are heading straight in the village’s direction.

I… what should I do?

The village has managed to stay hidden for years, but if even a single soldier finds it…

I do not know. I really—I really do not know. It would be a lie to say I am attached to the place, much less the people within, but I can’t just stand by and do nothing.

But what can I even do? By the time I get there, the scout will have already reached the entrance. I cannot stop it from being discovered, but maybe I can convince everyone to run away. Surely they will understand; it is better to flee and hope the other settlements will take them in.

… No, I already know that no one will listen to me. Why would they? In their eyes, I am abandoned. Unwarned. A reminder of what they have thrown away. My pleas will probably seem nothing more than a feeble attempt at causing trouble.

I should leave it be. Surasha and I are just fine by ourselves. We’ve survived in this forest for years; we can survive a couple more. And if the legion does occupy the area, we can always move towards the capital. I doubt they will allow us in the city, but even a life on the outskirts would be much safer than out here.

I’ll make an honest living doing labor and helping out the caravans. Once we are older, and I have saved up enough money, Surasha will enroll into the academy. She will leave this dirty life and pursue a dream of her own, and me: I will rest peacefully knowing her future won’t be limited like mine. I will be happy. I will be content. I—

… Ah. I’ve already thrown the pole. It leaves my hands before I even realize, and it jabs right into the legionnaire’s leg. They howl out in pain, but the wound is shallow. And I watch, dumbfounded by my own recklessness, as they pull it out effortlessly and stare straight at my hiding spot. Their red eyes glow with rage.

You have really done it now, Ascalon.

I do not know why, but I have a feeling that if I leave now I shall regret it for the rest of my life. Visions of the village’s future flood into my mind, and I see a vast, crimson sea of blood and corpses: our home, my home, forever tormented by the memories of the dead.

And in that vision, I see the charred remains of my parents, desperately wrapping my other siblings in a final, loving embrace. Their faces are burned beyond recognition, mouths agape in horror, but at least they are together in the end, snugged in the arms of the ones they love most.

I feel… anger. Grief. But most of all, regret. The Ascalon of that dream—I can feel his sorrow in this future yet to happen.

I am sorry, Surasha. Please pardon this foolish brother of yours, but I wish to be selfish just this once. Maybe now I can reach out to that far-off sky. Maybe I can finally be a true hero.

Without any hesitation, the scout charges at me, and I run towards the opposite direction as quickly as I can. Not a word leaves their mouth; they furiously sprint forward with an almost crazed determination.

They are faster than me, but I know this forest better than anyone. I leap through the thickets, trudge through the mud, and curve around every twisting pathway and trail I can think of. There is no need to fight; all I have to do is lure them far away from the village and escape once I’ve widened the gap. At night, the beasts shall handle the rest.

But right before turning another corner, a sharp whizzing sound flies right past my head.

What—what was that?

I look back for a moment only to find the scout pointing a strange metal object at me. Something clicks, a flash blinds me, and suddenly a small chunk of steel smashes into a tree by my side. It completely penetrates the bark, filling the forest with a horrid, deafening screech, and it is only now that I truly realize the danger I’m in.

I am going to die. A single hit from that horrible thing will mean instant death. Hah, I… how could I be so stupid to think I would be able to flee a Caelum legionary of all people? My nerves feel as if they’re on fire, and doubt begins to bubble up from the inside. Is this how my life is going to end: pathetically slumped over on the ground?

No, I chose to do this; I cannot regret it now. This place will not be my grave.

I slide down a hill and sprint into the darkness of a nearby cave. This is really dangerous, but I’d rather take the chance of encountering a beast than be plagued with a barrage of steel.

The cave stretches on for what seems like an eternity as I stumble through the caverns, and all the while I hear the rhythmic echo of a boot stomping closer and closer from behind. The shadows will not blind the scout for long; I have to find another way to lose them and fast.

Along the way, I notice a small crack overhead. It is too small to fit in, but if it’s only a limb… there’s no other choice.

I jump up and bury my hand in the opening. A sharp pain immediately surges through me, and I can feel my flesh tear apart as blood leaks out from the gashes on my arm. But nonetheless I hug the stone firm. Even when my knuckles go white and the dirt stings at my eyes, I desperately hold on until the legionary finally passes by.

I hang there in silence for a moment. Then another. And another. Until their noisy steps fade into the distance. I think… I think they are gone now.

I hold in a sigh of relief and quietly drop down onto the floor. The moment my feet land, I dash straight back to the entrance. They will notice my trick eventually; I have to make it back before that happens.

My soles are bruised, swelling up in little patches of blue and purple, but I do not care. I would crawl out with my bare hands if it means I can escape.

I run, and I run. And then, I see a light. At last I reach the entrance, and a beautiful blue sky greets me as I emerge out into the outside.

I did it. I made it out. I-I saved everyone. Surasha will have to wait a bit longer for the food, but right now all I can think about is taking a nice, a long rest—

Huh? That is odd. Why do I… feel so weak…

A familiar bang rings behind me, and I feel something sharp.

When I look down, I see blood dripping from a small hole in my stomach. Why? I thought I…

My legs give in, and I collapse into a twitching, writhing mess. The Caelum scout steps out of the cave, armor abandoned and feet bare, and they glare at me with a face twisted in disgust.

It hurts. I—everything happens so suddenly, the pain so instant, and what comes after is a searing burn that spreads to every corner of my chest. I cannot breathe. I cannot even speak. Every muscle in my body refuses to move, and I am left helpless as the legionary walks up and lifts me off the ground by the scruff of my neck.

“To think I’d have to go through so much effort to catch a dirty runt like you,” they growl, tightening the hold on my neck. “Damn it all, stuck in the middle of this tedious forest… well, I must have been close to the settlement if they sent this wretch to pester me.”

They raise their weapon and point it at my face.

“No matter, a little detour won’t stop me for long. As for you, kid… blame your luck for being born in this backwater place.”

Ah, so this is how it all ends. Should I be happy at least that I was able to lure them away? Instead of a hero, I guess I shall become a martyr: an unknown one, but I am glad I managed to be useful before my final breath.

I squeeze my hand, and I brace myself for the inevitable. But—something pricks at my skin. What? It’s… a stone. I must have torn it off whilst in the cave.

I know what I have to do.

With a final, desperate cry, I summon every last fountain of strength still within my body and plunge the stone right into the legionnaire’s neck. They gurgle and gasp, choking on their own blood, and we both drop onto the floor. But I am not done. I will not waste this chance.

I crawl towards them and raise my fist high before smashing it against their skull.

And again.

And again.

I bash their face until my fist is soaked in blood, and then I bash them some more until my bones rip out of my skin.

But I do not stop. Not until their voice finally becomes silent, and their body falls still.

When my strength finally disappears, and I am certain the soldier is dead, I topple face first into the dirt.

I can feel it in my heart; I am going to die soon.

Oh, Surasha… you do not have to forgive me. I am a failure of a brother, but I know you are much stronger than me. You can survive in this world even alone, so please grow up to be happy. Grow up and find a dream worth living for.

Strange, I always thought death would be painful, but right now I am surprisingly at peace. The pain in my stomach has long passed. I cannot feel my hands anymore.

It is nice, but I do feel a bit tired. I think I will close my eyes for a little bit.

Just… a little…

Ascalon…

I hear that voice again, reaching out towards me. But unlike before I am no longer scared. Those faces are starting to become a little familiar.

Ascalon.

I am no longer lost. The Ascalon of that dream and the Ascalon of the past… we are one and the same. We have our regrets, our moments wishing for a chance to right our wrongs, but to be obsessed with what could have been means ignoring the good you can do now—in the present. We cannot stay here forever, not when there is a world filled with possibility awaiting us.

Ascalon!

I have kept my fellows waiting long enough. It is time to wake up.