Just a few days ago, I couldn't see the reason why it is necessary to forgive someone. I could go on most probably without having to go through that pain again, never needing to think about it, suppressing it like it never happened. However, here I am doubting myself if I did the right thing because obviously, I couldn't let go of what happened. Some things are not okay and those things never let go of you. I want you to imagine, just for a moment, simply not breathing, just because it hurts. Filling air in your lungs is the most hurtful thing happening to you right now. Nevertheless, you can't stop yourself from doing so, you need that sharp cold air in your lungs to go on, to live. Definitely, you can't forget breathing, so how can you forget something that hurt you so bad that you cry almost every night thinking about it? You tell yourself constantly that it doesn't matter, which it obviously does, but you still force your brain to let it go, danger signs blasting in your head, and deep down you know, you are just lying to yourself. Days get gloomier and gloomier, and you start eating less or sometimes more, you just want to fill that void. The crumbs of chocolates, chips, and the smell of ramen noodles, are so heavy that now they are nauseating but long before they were your sweet little guilty pleasures. Your health, your time, and even you, yourself become less prioritized because you are hurting yet there is no one to blame. No one is there to say, "Yes, it was my fault, I'm sorry.".
Everyone is living their best lives, laughing, and having fun, but of course not you. You are crying and screaming at the wrong condiment packet that came along with your fries(though it was for free and something that's not much worth your energy). Throwing objects left and right, tearing things apart, and sometimes even relationships apart. And once you have calmed down, I must say that it varies from person to person, but one thing is certain, you forgot, why you were so sad, what made you so angry, so pathetic, so desperate in the first place. And now you feel better, much better actually, so you clean your place. Take a nice, long shower, cook for yourself, do your work and you feel accomplished.
You start to feel better, you turn on your TV to check what's new (on Netflix), listen to music, and dance around your current beautiful house. And your life restarts again, but the shadows or the voices in your head linger, they warn you not to do this, They remind you, how this is your tiny customized loop, how you have already done this before, and the result as always doesn't end well. But of course, who would listen to them, you are doing better, achieving things at work. Right now, you are unstoppable!
Your depressing days turned out to be beautiful. Now you are easily stepping out of the house, go to the little cafés, enjoying the coffee; the cute, expensive yet very much aesthetically pleasing cakes. Viola, you are socializing with your friends, your family, and even online. You look at yourself in the mirror thinking, thinking, not bad! Yet, one day the voice in your head that you have kicked far away into the Inferno, is now back, much bigger, much more equipped, and is now back with the receipt.
"There is nothing to worry about it", you may say, "I have let it go.". You try to convince that voice. Yet your voice cracks and quivers, at the thought of it. You greet yourself in the morning, definitely trying to ignore the elephant in the room. "I am done. I no longer think about them. I know they didn't mean it.". I swear, I have tried to convince myself more than my fingers could count. On one hand, this voice wouldn't let you leave, and on the other, in reality, in the so-called 3D world, your work is getting heavier than you could handle. You want to quit. But of course, you have mouths to feed. Feeling helpless, you do what you always do. Cry! Snot out of your nostril, you look at yourself in the mirror and try to recall how long it has been since you last took a bath. Your head is splitting apart, you have no energy to cook, you order food and you vomit all over your toilet seat. The sound of water flushing away that disgusting, chewed food gave you self-realization. More like 300 million Volts of lightning struck directed at you, enough to burn you to a crisp. For how long can I ignore this? Your voice cord is sore and so you sit and think, hard and long. Do I need to live like this? Do I need to pretend everything is fine?
WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
That's what I have learned about karma, so why was I still living the hard life while they were having fun partying.?I used to pity myself. No matter what I did, nothing ever changed. And soon I began a cycle, a loop of self-pity and misery. It wasn't a happy ending even after that self-realization, I stayed like that for a very long time. I was hurt by the same thing, got betrayed by the same people, and wept for the same misery. My life was miserable. And I was deeply sunk in my misery, I thought this quote is a stupid one. While I was going downhill, others were going uphill. And I didn't want that. I want to make it clear, it is not that, I didn't want to see them going upward, I no longer cared about it.
I was done going downwards, at this pace, I was sure to meet the devil, which I currently didn't want to. I am simply scared of horror. But what could I do? I felt so helpless. So, I forced my mind to shut up. I picked up a book, it was all dusty, I wanted to fling it across the room or throw it in the river. But I didn't, I cleared a little space on my bed. Sat down and forced myself to read. I completed that book. And that book made me realize something. One simple thing that had always been in front of my face. Some people never change.
As humans we always lean toward exoneration, in simple words, you are in a perfect scenario where the offender asks for forgiveness while repenting for their sins. However, that's least likely to be unless you don't know how the world works. Most of the time people don't even realize when and how they have hurt someone. To know what if you did offend someone, this needs strict which the majority of people lack. And people can't keep on walking around eggshells. In exoneration, the offender is fully aware of what he did and is ready for the consequences of his actions. Ready for the punishment that will follow, to forgive because they were guaranteed such action would not be repeated.
As humans, we commonly want such an ending. A happy one where we won't feel guilty about speaking up and finally we would be able to let things go on a happy note. Since the offender has taken full accountability, there is nothing more you seek. So, you forgive them. For me, this exoneration is nothing but a futile dream. It is an unachievable goal, ready to be met with failure. So, I gave up on it or you could say my dream took a different turn. And so my mind wanders, into another scenario, where I get a half-hearted thing that I am left with, nothing but disgust. Every cell in my body is screaming in anger. I would rather die than get that half-hearted apology. I do not want to end up in a situation that leads to forbearance. But the way I am being right naught be left with an apology with no repentance. And if that's the result I am left with, I knew I had a serious problem at hand. I needed peace in my mind. I could no longer let this incident take control over me. So, I searched and searched and it didn't take me long to find a situation similar to mine.
How to forgive when the offender is not depending, more so, they have no idea of what they have done?
So I had to embrace something, much more difficult and foreign to me. I had to be the wiser one. I had to become brave, confident, and tough, to let it go. I couldn't be the cause of my destruction, yet those people did me dirty, but in the end, I was the one ruining my life, I was the one making pathetic choices and making a joke of myself. Circling an endless cycle, when I was already that was the way out. I had to be a better person for myself. And most definitely it was me who could release the stress in me. However one thing was clear, though,h I have changed, they have not. Yes, I was stuck in the loop of my created misery but so were they. I wouldn't confront what loop they are on because you need to confront your cycle and break it. To grow, to nourish, to be better. Looking at them, I wasn't sure if they realize what cycle they are on, however, it was no longer my responsibility and I needed to know that. I have learned my lesson and I was thankful that happened to me. While hurting myself all the way, I found myself.
"So, you are saying you forgive them?", you might be furious but let me explain. When you decide you are releasing that feeling it means, you are sure that your offender is most probably never gonna learn, never gonna grow up which will lead to them hurting you once again. You have already seen that and have been a victim of such action. There is no point in teaching them when they never asked to be taught in the first place. So, I did what was best for me. Now, I am at peace, I don't go hysterical and I bathe daily. Yes, it took time to come here but I am happy that I am on a forward journey of what was one time a nightmare. My never-ending loop.
"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward."
-Steve Maraboli.