10. Short Negotiations

Jackie’s throne room was predictably lavish. In place of windows, there were floor-to-ceiling paintings of a countryside that looked nothing like the swamp. They showed rolling green fields and massive stone outcroppings characteristic of Old Europe. A long, red carpet ran from the foot of Jackie’s chair all the way to the entrance, where Nick, James, and Lopsang were ushered in by their murderous companion. Jackie sat atop a throne, legs crossed, looking down at them with an air of casual malice.

“And here I thought the beignets were a peace offering.” Nick still couldn’t believe they weren’t. Sharing donuts with someone was about as personal as things got.

“Well, they were, and they weren’t,” offered Jackie, twirling his fingers through the air. His voice echoed down the stone expanse of the throne room. “Maybe they still can be.”

Nick sped up his gait, trying to get closer to the throne and a little further away from the potentially psychotic vampire behind him. If Jackie had referred to her as a crazy ex, there were likely plenty of reasons to keep his distance. “I’m not sure what your stance on monologuing is, but can you fill me in on the end game here?” Nick looked around the large throne room. “It’s an extravagant and fancy endgame, I’ll give you that.”

“It is extravagant, isn’t it? It’s not my endgame, but it’s nice. Maybe a little less macabre than the LaLaurie estate, but one makes exceptions for their home.”

Not the endgame? Nick tried to think of something more sinister than a literal vampire castle and faltered. The holy powder in his pocket provided a modicum of confidence as it would at least delay his death by fifteen seconds. With each passing step, Nick realized how thin their plan really was. They made it to the throne room, there weren’t any signs of weapons, but there were potentially hundreds of horny vampires between them and the exit. As far as ways to die, it was going to be a particularly spectacular shit show.

Jackie looked around the room with clear nostalgia. “I spent my formative years in this castle, first as a washer, then a servant, and finally how you see me today. These walls were never meant to be mine, but cruel masters always come to bitter ends, don’t they?” Jackie licked his lips and tensed. “He’s behind that wall somewhere.” He pointed toward the side of the throne room. “Always wanted him nearby to remember my past. Maybe my new necromancer can raise him and we’ll have ourselves a little chat.”

Ray. Ray is here. Vampires and god-imbued necromancers were a potent mix. “Where is your little necromancer now?” Nick stepped toward the throne.

A cold hand on his shoulder yanked him back. “Want to try and take that step again?” Sharp fingernails reached out and grazed the soft skin of Nick’s neck. “I’m ready to party if you are.”

Nick shuddered. “Why is death always so sexual for you people?”

The vampire hissed in a mix of delight, pleasure, and murderous intent.

“Oh, calm yourself, Sam, there’s nothing he can do now. Besides, we might end up friends. There’s less chance of that if you turn him into red mist.” Jackie looked down at the stones. “And it will stain the floors. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean these floors? I’m pretty sure my old scrub bucket is still lying around—”

“I understand,” replied Sam, barely hiding the contempt in her voice. She stepped back, removing her hand from Nick’s neck.

“I’m not sure you do, but you do listen, and that’s what counts.” The unease was clear in Jackie’s face.

Maybe the crazy ex thing wasn’t a play after all. “Well, Jackie, you’ve brought us in. What’s next?”

“I don’t suppose you’re looking to join my ranks?” Jackie smiled.

“No, I don’t suppose we are.” Nick turned to Lopsang and James for confirmation.

“I died once, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.” James stood firm with little fear in his eyes.

Lopsang didn’t respond and appeared to think the proposition over.

“Lopsang?” asked Nick with a little more desperation than intended.

“Alright, fine, no thanks,” grumbled Lopsang. “I just lost my immortality, give me a break.”

Nick shrugged. “Fair enough. Alright, Jackie, I think we’re going to pass on Option A, so what else is on the table.”

“Sad but expected.” Jackie twiddled his fingers. “I’m afraid Option B is a little more devious and Machiavellian.” Jackie turned his attention to Lopsang. “You must be Nick’s mysterious Sherpa.”

Lopsang raised an eyebrow. “Bit racist, don’t you think?”

“It’s just the name they’ve given you. Are you sure you’re not interested in getting your powers back? I know a man who makes a hell of a deal when you keep up your end of the bargain.”

Well, there it is; Jackie’s got a deal with The Baron.

“I’ve made deals with devils before and it didn’t end well, so I think we’ll pass to Option B,” said Lopsang.

Jackie looked annoyed, but once more not surprised. “And James, you’ve been dead once, but being a vampire is not so bad.”

James held up a hand and made a shooing motion. “Sorry, just not into it.”

Nick felt a swell of pride. They might be about to die, but they were going to die together.

Jackie leaned forward. “I just want a family, Nick, is that so hard to believe?”

“It’s not hard to believe, but I have a feeling the way you’re going about it isn’t going to sit well. Why not do it like a normal person? Have you tried Tinder?”

Jackie raised his eyebrows. “Yuck. After all the dirty deals you’ve done with Heaven, Hell, and in between, you’re going to judge me for going to The Baron?”

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

“You and I both know, no one gets a good deal out of The Baron.”

“The same could be said for the King of the Dead.”

Lopsang kept his face slack and unreadable, but Nick could see the pain beneath it. As someone adept at hiding emotional impact, it was easy to recognize.

“I’d do that deal again any day,” said Lopsang. “The Baron is a trickster god, I’ve run into them before, and it never ends well.”

Jackie leaned back in his chair. “Coming from a former demi-god, that does carry some weight.” He let the insult hang for a moment before continuing. “But I’ve already tied up my loose ends for my deal.”

“So, you own this castle free and clear?” Nick found it hard to believe. Most people never got free and clear of The Baron; It wasn’t good for business.

“Free and clear, Nick. The Baron wanted some objects of power, and I was happy to procure them. After that, he freed my beloved from that awful religious imprisonment, and saw fit to bring my castle over.”

“While that’s all very interesting and I want to know how he managed it, I think we’re dancing around the bigger issue here.”

“And what is that?”

“You’re in clear violation of the regulatory code set down by the descendants of Van Helsing himself.”

Jackie spat on the ground. “You dare mention his name here? Do you have any idea how many—”

“Save it. Jackie, I’ve given you so many chances and gone out on a limb for you more than once. Keep the castle, keep your bride, but don’t start a coven here.” The words came out more confident than Nick felt. He fingered the bag of holy powder in his pocket nervously.

“You’re not exactly in a position to bargain here.”

“It’s never stopped me before.”

Jackie clucked his tongue. “And here I thought sharing beignets was going to make this a better conversation.”

“What is it with you people and donuts?” asked James in sudden exasperation.

“It’s a bond you wouldn’t understand,” hissed Jackie.

“For once, I agree with him,” said Nick.

“Everyone likes donuts,” agreed Lopsang.

“I’m going to eat you like a donut,” offered the hasty vampire behind them.

“Maybe so, Sam.” Jackie looked Nick in the eyes. “Last chance, Nick. We can still leave here as friends.”

“You have my offer.” Nick felt sweat beading on his palms. Things were going to get ugly.

“Well, if I’m going to lose a friend, we might as well get some entertainment out of it. I think the fighting pits will—"

“Christ.” Nick sighed. “Does everyone have a fucking fighting pit? Sorry, but I think we’re going to have to pass.” In an instant, he shot a look at Lopsang and James that he hoped said: ‘Close your eyes, because it’s about to get very bright’. Then, he ducked, narrowly dodging a swipe from Sam. In the same instant, he released the first bag of holy powder, filling the room with blinding, slightly biblical white light. All at once, the room descended into chaos.

The first thing Nick heard over the ringing in his ears was the angry hiss of Jackie and Sam as they tried to scuttle away from the scent of what had once been holy relics. He smelled burning flesh as the white-hot embers shot out in all directions. Some of it he was sure was his own. Then, he felt the weight of the explosion pressing into his already battered body and sending him flying backward. Nick was airborne, passing through the throne room at an alarming rate. By the time he registered that it would hurt, his back already collided with a stone pillar.

The wind went out of him and he was falling. In a daze, he looked up at the fine mist of white particles drifting through the air, setting tiny fires on the aggravated vampires wherever they landed.

James rushed forward and tried to rip the wooden legs off Jackie’s throne.

Nick tried to smile but found the action hurt too much. The kid was doing exactly as he had taught him, fighting to the last. Nick wished he had a drink.

Sam recovered first, blurring through the room at inhuman speed. Her figure moved like a shadow, passing through the space too quick to truly get a glimpse. Somehow, Lopsang stuck an arm out at just the right time, catching her in the midsection and stopping her momentum. There was a loud pop as his arm bent at a strange angle. He let out a strangled cry and fell to the floor clutching it.

James was still trying to get at the woodwork of the throne when Jackie attacked. He reached down, picked James up by the back of the shirt, and threw him haphazardly across the room.

Nick watched in stunned silence as James collided with a wooden bench, snapping it in half. Better that it broke. He looked, hoping for some sense of movement from the kid. Eventually, he coughed and sputtered on the floor. Good enough for me. Nick pushed himself to a stand, every single bone and nerve ending screaming at him to do otherwise. He wasn’t sure what he had hurt, but it was clear that he wouldn’t be walking for long. Something was out of place in his back, making it hard to manage more than a crooked stoop.

“You’re getting old, Nick. I could have prevented that,” called Jackie serenely from above. The vampire hovered a few feet above the floor, fangs fully extended and dark circles ringing his eyes.

“Well, you’re in a bad way yourself,” wheezed Nick. He coughed, a wet sound that brought up something he hoped wasn’t blood.

“Holy powder? Really? You’ve tried this trick how many times?”

“Enough that I know it usually works.” It worked around half the time, and the other half, it bought him enough time to think of something more clever.

Sam floated over beside him, holding a limp Lopsang, still cradling his battered arm. “I thought this one would put up more of a fight.”

“I did say I used to be a demi-god.” Lopsang groaned at the effort but shot Nick a bloody grin. “Still look better than him though.”

“I see you have inspired your followers with the same suicidal gallows humor that should have led to your death years ago.”

Nick shrugged, causing a loud pop in his spine that actually made it feel a little better. “Can you blame me? It’s a living.” Mostly, he hoped James was all right and smart enough to save himself. The kid had been through too much to die for so little.

“It was a living, don’t you think?”

“Whatever, Jackie. Let’s get on with it. Nine trials await beyond this mortal coil and I’m sure more than a few rivals will be excited to see me.” Nick almost heard Manchester’s distant high laugh in some far-off darkness.

“If you’re waiting for your friends, they aren’t coming,” said Sam in mock sadness, bringing her free hand to wipe imaginary tears from her eyes.

Jackie grimaced. “Come on, that’s just poor taste. I mean, we had a good line to let him go out on and you had to ruin it with that.”

“Hell,” muttered Nick. “At this rate, I should probably just do it myself.”

Jackie raised a clawed hand. “I guess that will have to do.”

Nick braced himself, trying to keep his eyes open. If they were going to be his last moments on earth, he wanted to remember them. He was going to need something to keep him going in the next life.

A thundering crash shook the castle to its foundation.

Jackie hesitated, looking to his right for a moment. “Sam?” he asked.

She shrugged. “A Rougarou isn’t exactly a subtle creature.”

“Right—” started Jackie, but a second crash cut him off. The stone wall to his right exploded in a shower of ancient brick and timber. A scaly ball of undead reptilian stitchwork flew into the room with immense force, colliding with the vampire and sending him flying. Nick watched as Jackie catapulted across the room and collided with the collapsed timber frame on the opposite side. A single wooden support pierced his stomach with a sickening squelch.

Sam dropped Lopsang immediately. She flew across the room. “Jackie!”

Jackie let out a half gurgle but slumped over laying still.

“Think it got his heart?” asked Lopsang.

“Might be a little too far right now. But yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s not getting up from that.”

Sam let out a violent wail and blurred across the room until she stood nose-to-nose with Nick. “You will pay for this. You will die by inches for hours, and never see the light of day ag—”

A red bloom of blood appeared at her heart as James drove the wooden leg of Jackie’s throne through her back. “Like Nick says, you assholes all talk too much.”

Sam fell, clutching at her chest, stretching out in rigid grasping motions before lying still.

“What the fuck was that?” asked James pointing to the ball of flesh and blood that now lay strewn around Jackie.

“I’m not sure.” Nick cracked his neck. “But I’ll bet there was a hell of a story.”