Year 2016 Day 0:

Today was as everyday has been quite normal and boring. There is me sitting in the Helpdesk hoping no one comes for help. What helpdesk you might be wondering, well IT helldesk woops I meant helpdesk. I might be overselling the doom and gloom a bit. It’s not too bad except for the shear amount of tickets that gets logged when a simple google search would have solved 90% of the issue.

Any ways there I am working away (pretending to) when suddenly its dark. Well as any self-respecting institution would place there IT department we were you guessed it in the basement. So all the lights are dead the PC and monitors are dead and of course the backup generator that the school just bought for shit loads of money is not kicking in typical.

Well I think this would be a good place to fill you in on a bit of background. So I am in London (woop woop for the cold miserable weather since it is November) working in the IT department of an higher education (where you go to study master).

So no need to panic as it is pitch dark and the emergency lights are not coming on. I try to switch on my mobile phone and yup its dead too. So all this tells my finely honed sense is that we just been nuked. I of course know this as I studied nuclear warfare……no okay I know this because I have watched too much youtube videos and read too many scifi novels. So since it looks like we been nuked but since I am alive I think it might have been an air burst up high in the sky or a new tech which unleashes the mighty EMP. Either way I am currently sitting in dark thinking about zombie survival.

Why you might ask because if all those survival “books” (in the loosest sense) have taught me is that SHIT IS ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN. So I need my game face on pronto. Hence my first response is to shout to my manager asking him WTF is going on of course. You would not expect me to start screaming we are going to die are you. So any way good thing -I mean bad- people smoke so they have some lighters. So fast forward 5 min and I am still sitting on my arse on the helpdesk (of course they need tech support, really they do) with a candle that somehow magically appeared. The candle was from some one’s birthday or leaving do I think.

So well since the lights are not coming on every one has decided to go outside in the glorious sunshine... not as its freaking London and its November. So there we are outside at 1.00pm freezing my tits off (man boobs FTW or FTL you decide) wondering wtf is going on. Since we are not at the main road it’s not too bad as there are a few crashed cars but nothing that bad.

Well things are pretty shit now. Just had someone shout for help down the road so most of us (me included like a sheep follow the heard) head over there and see if we can help out. Fook me I take back what I said about it being not too bad. The whole road is piled up with crashed cars and people are fucking screaming for ambulance. WTF.

Thinking or my brain trying to rationalise this into something that I can understand it seems all that plan I made of zombie survival has gone right out of the window. Watching people bleed out on the street, seeing someone with their brains smashed out. Well the next 30 min (I think) were a blur of me and my stomach getting to know each other intimately. If you did not notice, I meant I puked the shit out of my stomach together with the crowd so not sure how much time has passed before we (the heard I was part of) got our shit together and tried to help.

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Well that was the longest afternoon ever and I am so glad it has gotten dark as it provided us with a perfect excuse to head indoors away from all that screaming and blood and smell arghh forget it. I just went down to the basement and drank some water and slept underneath the Helldesk. So not bad for my ultimate zombie survival plan where I was supposed to loot (borrow) some food and camping gear. Fuck man just fuck. Night night.

Year 2016 Day 1:

So slept in darkness at god knows what time and now I am awake again in darkness at god knows what time. Kind of missing the good old smartphone with its cheering alarm or atleast it would be cheerful if the alarm went off as then I would know wtf is happening and that things will improve.

So I wake up and the rest of the gang are still sleeping as I think they stayed up late while me being smart (terrified?panicked?lonely?afraid?) decided to sleep early. So there is me ready to face the world again except my stomach feels like it has a kitten purring away and at the same time I need to do a massive dump. So onwards and upwards. I take a shit and while I am taking a shit I am praying to god that the tap works other wise…. No it will work it will work please.

So tap is running water thank god (or am I lying it did not work and I am walking around with poo hands Poo hands lol in a nasty way). Not sure how long that is going to last as I have no clue regarding the plumbing of this place. This building has 5 floors with a nice roof that you can access if you had the correct pass as it is all secured with an ID card touch panel thingy magigy (door access control system). Which I would be worried about except for as IT I have pretty much access to everywhere, which is not relevant at all as since the power is off all the doors with electronic locks are open. Which means now I am standing on the roof looking at London and since it is still dark but getting brighter so maybe 6-7am I think. So what a lovely view. Shit is burning is the polite form I think. All those lovely planes flying around seem to have crashed and burnt and same for some of the cars which meant currently all I can think is fook me am I lucky that we are not under a flight path.

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Well since it is burning and the weather is looking clear as in no clouds when you need them, well looks like I need to make my exit plan then. I do the right honourable thing and go downstairs and sneak out with my cycle. I head of to the local co-op shop and wonders of wonders it has not been broken into. A quick look around and a slight smash with my D-lock and viola the shop is open. Okay I did cover the dam glass with my jumper than hit it so it would not create a loud sound and I did sneak in and ran like my ass was on fire from there but who is keeping tracks eh.

So plan a is to get out of London as I don’t want to be stuck here getting burnt to death or getting eaten alive after 5 days. 5days you ask because as any one who has read a survivable guide knows that city people turn into cannibals once the food runs out after 5 days because that’s how much food if storied in the city. Well at least I think so.

So there is me trying to work out how the hell do I get out as my smartphone is dead and with it goes any knowledge regarding maps and direction. Bollocks should have joined the scouts shit.

So when in doubt and all that I head to the nearest whssmith or any book store. After finding one, lo and behold I did not need my trusty D-lock as someone had already smashed the window. So a quick look around (spent like an hour I think or maybe less not sure) got a map and got some survival book that shows how to build tent, fire and local food etc. I am off on my great adventure.

Down the street and I acquire some new camping bag and tools. A little bit further and I have managed to secure some food also. If you are wondering yes I am stealing them form the shops and no there aren’t a lot of people around as its still fairly dark and cold.

Now I am a very fit person who does loads of exercise like loads I tell you. Okay I cycle to work and back home that is my exercise, I am slightly mind you just slightly overweight and I have weak eyesight (blind as a bat without my glasses) so what I meant to say was that I am not exactly fast.

Okay it has been a long time cycling with some food break and rest break and toilet break and just a lot of breaks. So if I am reading this map right (please please please I hope I am) I am nearly there hahahaa go me. I think another 5 km following this road and I will be outside London.

So ermm I might have been a bit optimistic with my travel time there but that is not a problem as I have made it outside and currently am squatting in the bush thinking I should have bought some toilet paper. So yeah the leaves are a bit rough like it seems. Let’s just leave it at that. On a good note I remembered to bring some hand gel at least. I haven’t bothered putting up the tent as I cant see shit. I am currently all snuggly wrapped up in my sleeping bed thinking its going to take me a long while to sleep when…

Year 2016 Day 2:

Wow I am the man, waking up early 2 days in a row finally I am hitting my new years resolution woop woop go me. Ouch is the word, my legs are sore and my back is all cramped up. On top of that got runny nose. Well the plan now is to find shelter among one of the country side homes, so let’s go and at em.

My eyes seem to be a bit more blurry hope I do not have any infection or anything. After I get going in a nice pace (lowest gear possible) the leg is feeling better. Well now I need to find some water and some more food as I am running low on both. I seem to have forgotten to mention that I have pretty much left the roads as there are too many people/ cars around on them. In other words I am lost…..

After cycling for ages came across a road and having no choice I have followed it. This is one of those country side roads I think as there is hardly any abandoned cars around.

I am exhausted and a lot thirsty as haven’t managed to find any shop so going to have to kip in this nice car. I can finally afford a BMW go me. Another resolution ticked, what you say this wasn’t my resolution pfft whatever it is now. So of to bed it is.

Year 2016 Day 3:

I am kind of worried as I feel my eyes are better…its because usually when I wake up and look everything is a blur till I put my glasses on but today it seems like I can see a bit more clearly. Any ways I put my glasses on and this is getting shit as now when I put on the glasses it makes things focused but not as good as yesterday. Which is giving me a headache.

So I am out of food and I have a thirst like a, like a ermm really really thirsty. I have managed to find a village looks like it. The only thing I am worried about is I hope they haven’t gone all tribal about race already. Just an FYI I am Asian so in UK countryside is mostly white, in other words I am hoping this is a pleasant scenario.

Thank gods they were all nice people. A bit older but nice. I got some drinks and food and a place to stay. When I was speaking to them I talked about my pet theory of EMP and one of the guys who used to work for RAF agreed that it looked like that. Talking for a while we agreed that we should start to see the good old GOV start to respond soon so it made sense to be CALM AND CARRY ON.

Hence I have decided to stay here for a bit and see what happens. In case you are wondering if I am allowed to stay for free then you got another thing coming. Nope I am proud to say that I am working my way out by drinking their delicious beer and sampling their delicious food.

Year 2016 Day 4:

Nothing much happened more of a wait and see again. Have to say though the BBQ are nice since everyone needs to use up the meat in the freezer. I have been doing my civic duty by taking care of all these delicious foods and making sure it goes to the needy ie my stomach.

Year 2016 Day 5:

Rinse and repeat of the other days.