Homesteading 101
Magsnik raised his heavy maul up high in the air even as his muscles ached from the effort, sweat dripping down his brow as he roared; bringing it down as hard as he could upon his target. Stone was pulverized, Ferrocrete broken, and the metal within bent as the former warboss toiled away; crushing the debris around the edge of his growing farm. The mycelium might be able to break everything down, eventually, to usable soil but smashing things to smithereens made it faster.
He toiled away at the hard ground while the soft green and blue glow of the tree-like mushrooms growing near the edge of his farm illuminated the area. Looking above, he'd see the large and claw-like pieces of rock and ships reaching up into the void at the edge of the crater his farm resided within. Up there in the sky above hung a huge tear in reality, staring down at his humble farm like the eyes of a great reptilian beast. It formed above his home not too long after he arrived. At first it was small, barely comparable to that of the Eye but it grew larger until it grew as wide as the crater. He had an inkling of how it was formed, as it had stopped growing after a while, staying as a large black tear above the starry sky.
This was where he now lived, right inside one of the craters dotting this gigantic hulk which drifted in space on its lonesome. Nestled right in the middle of it all was his home and he made it his mission to expand the farm until the entire crater was filled with life. It was just him, his farm and the tools he bought with him. Turning back to the rubble, he grunted as he went back to work, "There's no one to talk to…"
After breaking one last boulder, he finally decided to call it a day. He sat his hammer down before pulling the gourd he had strapped to his hips. Pulling off the cork, he allowed himself a good long sip of precious water. The cold melt-water was quite the refreshing drink, especially after a day's work. Speaking of work, he looked at the sizable patch of rubble he made and nodded in appreciation. It was slow progress but each day brought him closer to finally expanding the mushroom forest to the point that he'd have some snotling around to bully, though he was a touch bit apprehensive at that.
He was quickly reminded why as the soil nearby burst open revealing a newly born squig. The fat, squat thing which was more a mouth with two legs than anything else shook itself off the amniotic fluid that dripped from its dark red skin before it caught a whiff of the ork. It turned around and caught sight of him. The fungoid creature had just woken up and it chose violence as it roared out and charged at him with unsteady legs.
Magsnik let out a groan but he wasn't one to complain about a boon, despite the fact that said boon thought he was an affront to nature. He jabbed his hammer at its face, making it stumble over on its back disoriented; which made his job of catching it a whole lot easier. He picked up the feisty little bugger before tossing it on the large woven basket strapped to his back, closing it tightly to avoid any unwanted accidents.
"One more Squig to fatten up," He whispered to himself with a satisfied smile as he started scouring the rubble for any usable metal. He tossed the ceremite shards back to the pile as he searched for the precious metals such as adamantine shards with which he could make plows and pans with. After looting everything of worth and with a basket full of metal alongside a lone squig and his maul strapped to his side, he made his way back to his house.
He passed by the groves of tree-shrooms with his eyes on the edge of the path for any signs of anything worth foraging and he was rewarded for his vigilance. He saw the telltale sign of a lone red capped mushroom amongst the greens and blues. He quickly made his way through the underbrush, making sure to avoid the landmine like puffballs that were all too common, before his eyes lay upon the bloody treat.
He knelt down to peer at the small precious things, barely the size of his thumb but the green and yellow flecks told him what it was. "Speckled Bloodshade Fungus, I've been meaning to start a garden of these. I can finally hunt some demons and not worry about bleeding out." He whispered to himself as he reached down and started uprooting the medicinal mushrooms, making sure to get only the ripe ones so he could sprinkle the spores into the pots he made at home.
Placing them inside his special leather pouch, he finally sat up and continued on his merry way. He finally cleared the forest and came upon the field of his farms. He passed by lines of rutted gob-busters with their white, round and pitted fruiting body grew along with various other fungi. Giant, waist high Enoki like mushrooms swayed with the wind like stalks of a wheat. His hands passed by the sea of gold as he plucked the head of one and popped it in his mouth. The crunchy, nutty and bread-like taste made them all tempting to just eat raw but they were better harvested and processed for their flour. There were also giant morels, bundles of green colored mushroom that looked like if you made cabbages with hen of the wood, bunches of purplish mushroom that looked like lettuce if there were made with oyster mushrooms, and clumps of the meaty and fleshy beef steak looking mushroom along with a smorgasbord of others fungi.
"Just a few more days." He muttered as he could finally have some surplus again. He didn't know how long exactly it took but it was 30 or so sleep cycles before his harvest was ready; scary fast but hey, Orks breed fast so an equally fast crop was needed to feed them all. "At least the old ones were neurotic enough to make a crop to support the Orks."
He made sure to grab some of the beefstakes and fed some of it to the ravenous sguig in his basket, who quickly became distracted from trying to chew its way out, as he walked up the cottage he'd made. It might have looked like a giant brown mushroom with its sloped and curved brown roof and white rounded walls but it was home. "At least it doesn't look like a fly agaric." He muttered as he walked up the steps up to his house.
He veered off and went around to the back so he could drop off his loot. His backyard contained both his squig pens as well as his workshop. The fat green squigs immediately charged at him only to be stopped by the thick cage he made out of twisted metals. He wasn't taking any chances with these fuckers as he reached for the squig in his back and tossed it inside with the rest before he started feeding with them the beefsteaks.
He frowned as one of the squigs, the oldest one which had turned green just yesterday, wasn't giving him hate filled glares but looks of recognition and joy? It jumped up to him eagerly while its tongue was lolled out. He made sure to give it an extra piece as he dared hope it was friendly, he missed his lap squig.
Dumping the scrap metal in the pile of scraps in his workshop, he finally made his way inside his house. Entering the back door, he came upon his barebones kitchen with its spartan cupboard and utilitarian furniture. There was no flare and it felt empty with how large it was but he'd work on it. It was just a large rectangular room with one side dedicated to cooking with a brick oven to make his bread and a pit for cooking his stews and another side dedicated to eating with a long table fit for a whole extended family.
"Maybe I shouldn't have made a two story house already…" he muttered to himself as he grabbed some juicy 'fruit' in the basket sitting atop the table and took a bite out of it.
The green flesh tasted sweet and tangy, almost like oranges, as its juices dripped down his chins. He wiped the juices from his and chomped the rest down before he got to planting his medicinal mushroom. Picking one of the empty pots by the window, he then pulled the mushroom out and dusted the rich dark soil with the spores of the cap.
He almost dropped the pot and the mushroom when he suddenly heard some earthen ware breaking along with wood splintering. He turned around and listened for some sound. His fine tuned sense soon picked up the sound of crunching and slurping from his underground cellar. "Fuck, did a squig just spawned inside my house? I swore I had the cellars lined with plasteel," He cursed out as he sat the pot down and went to investigate.
He set his maul aside and picked up his rolling pin. His house might be big but he didn't have enough space to swing his hammer around and he did not want to replace another wall panel. Light on his step, he crept up to the stairs leading down to the cellar below. He grabbed on to one of the glowing mushrooms he had growing on the post before heading down the stairs.
The sound of munching and chewing got louder but accompanied it was moaning? That didn't sound familiar or even remotely orky at all. He might be cut off from the WAAAGH, but he still had his wits with him! He sniffed at the air and noticed the distinct smell of the Eldari along with the sickly sweet scent permeating the air, almost like the scent of fermenting fruit, but mixed with the scent of wild flowers of all things. He couldn't quite make out which creature this scent came from as it was everywhere. It even had the tainted smell of chaos, of burning brimstone but far more muted like that of the possessed; but it wasn't at the same time there was also the earthy and nutty scent of truffles of all things. Suffice to say, he was fucking confused. Still, he wouldn't know what it was until he opened the door.
Steeling his nerves, he opened the door and charged in. With his rolling pin in hand, he roared out a war cry as he barreled towards the dark red shape in the corner, "WAAAGH-at the fuck woman. Why the hell are you eating my squig dogs raw!?" He shouted in outraged bewilderment as he beheld the small hunched form of a beautiful white haired humanoid with equally white horns. The woman's sharp looking suit contrasted heavily with the mess covering her mouth and the table napkin she had tied around her neck. The floor beneath his sizzled as the purpley goo of a saliva she had ate through the wooden flooring.
She stood there frozen as she was half way through an entire link of Squig Sausages, the exact same sausages he had stuffed with truffles he found growing, his celebratory sausages he made from his first slaughter, and there she was eating it without even cooking it! What's worse was she held the flask of truffle oil and based on the yellow stains on her bib, she had been drinking it. "You know, I wouldn't be as angry as I am right now if you actually cooked that." He complained as the woman swallowed the piece she was eating before pointing at him in surprise.
"By the four, a cognizant ork!" She shouted in surprise before she grabbed a nearby barrel of fungus beer and lifted it up and placed the rim against her lips which had his eyes twitching in annoyance. The gall of this woman.
"Holy shit! A bitch of a daemon eating my stuff!" He shouted as she pointed at the woman who gagged and coughed as she set the barrel down.
"I was hungry, ok?!" She complained with a light dusting of a pink on her cheeks as she wiped at them with his napkin.
"But that doesn't excuse you for not cooking it!" He complained as he walked up to the woman and grabbed whatever food he could salvage from this weird deamon's eating binge. Half eaten links of sausages, half spilled bottles of pickled mushrooms, ham hocks with bites on them, melted cheese wheels from whatever corrosive saliva she had, and other such travesties. He took a sniff of all of it and found it wasn't as offending as he expected. He could work with this.
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"But the smell was just heavenly!~ Your batch of fermented meats are quite delectable while your cheese, oh my it almost reminds me of father's brew with all the complex flavors it contained! The creamy saltiness was just superb. I just couldn't help myself, I had to have a taste now." She complimented and praised him as she tried finding more food to munch on but he picked her up by the collar before she could do more damage.
"What are you? Some Nurgling or something?" He asked as he carried her up the stairs.
"Oho? You know who I am, Is it really that obvious?" She asked smugly before he dropped her on the ground. She pouted as she started up at him. "You don't believe me do you?" She asked as she slowly got up and dusted herself before removing the napkin she had tied around his neck.
"I would be feverish by now if you were one of the fat fuck's kid. You also aren't rotting or even remotely green. You're as red as a Khornite with the great fashion sense of the saner Slaaneshi," He replied, making her chuckle out. He raised a brow at her strange reaction to what he called the Grandfather.
Running her hand through her hair, she gestured widely as she introduced herself, "Oh, but I am. Let me introduce myself. My name is Beelzebub, the Lady of Famine and Decay, Ku'gaths' bane, the Great Devourer, and Nurgles prodigal daughter at your service!" She replied with a flourish and a bow.
"As for my color and appearance, I'd have to thank the three for that. Taking a bite out of father's favorite after eating my other siblings was a tad bit much for him. Shame, he was rather tasty, like your food actually!" He did not know if he should be offended or angry at her comment. "If not for my Uncles and dear Aunt, I'd be locked in my room but here I am, free as any other to do as I wish, adventuring out in the mortal realms and sleeping under the stars."
"Magsnik." He replied as he offered his hands for a shake. She gave quite the firm one in return as she smiled up to him.
"That's quite the orky name for a big fellow like yourself." She complimented him. Well, she was certainly laying it thick, he had to give her that.
"So you're effectively banished from the warp and now you're mooching off me because you haven't eaten something in ages?" He then asked her, making her wince at his accusation. He snorted as he laid down the ingredients in the kitchen counter before chopping them up into smaller, bite-sized chunks.
"I was waiting for your food to ripen… but yes. As crude as your words are, there is some truth to them. I am but a humble wanderer looking for something to eat." The woman replied, quickly recovering her composure as he heard her sneak up behind him. He set his knife aside and swatted the woman's hand, scolding her for trying to sneak a bite on his ingredients.
"Stay at the table and you'll have your fill." He replied, not wanting to spoil their food any more than what she already did. He gave her a glare to which she smiled and raised her hands in surrender. She walked back to the table and picked a seat close to where he sat, much to his chagrin, but she wasn't going to budge anytime soon.
"Thank you." She replied, all uncharacteristically non daemon-like as she waited in earnest. Her spade tail swayed behind her as she rested her arm on the table and leaned against them. He grunted as he turned his attention to the meal he was preparing.
"You're lucky you're actually worth talking to." He grumbled out as he grabbed some mushrooms the smells of onions and chopped them up to go with the truffles.
"I try,~" The woman smugly replied as she preened from the simple praise. He shook his head as he grabbed his trusty cauldron and carried it over to the fire pit. Getting the fire started, he waited till the pan was hot enough to get water rolling on its surface before tossing in the chopped up meat to render out the fat and brown it.
"So, what's with the look? I know you're more of a Chaos Undivided gal but I expected you to take more from your old man." He asked, As she wasn't exactly Nurgling material. She had some curves on her but not to the excessiveness of a Nurgling nor the sensuality of a Slaaneshi. She bordered on the form of motherly but not quite yet. She didn't look soft either, with a certain firmness in her form. He would have chalked off her being a Tzeentchian but she had a razor sharp wit. She did have that rotting scent but it was a pleasant one, just overwhelming.
"Oh I do. I'm just taking a more appealing form." She answered as she heard bones breaking and flesh warping making him groan out. He refused to look up as he took the cooked meat before he tossed in the truffle along with a healthy sprinkling of other aromatic and spicy 'herbs and chilies'. Gob Busters were always the best things to add. They tasted so spicy and filling, the onion-like shroom came next after the truffles became fragrant.
"Forget what I asked then," He replied, waving it off as he heard her return to her usual form. He knew there was something more hidden behind that charming smile she had. He tossed the ingredients around, letting them get to know each other before leaving them for a bit to get the stock he had prepared yesterday. He came back to see her stirring the ingredients with deft hands.
"Funny coming from an Ork," She then said as he squinted at her but chose not to kick her away as he added in the stock while she stirred everything up.
"I could say the say to you as well Daemon," He replied as he gave her a look; he wasn't the only one hiding something and two could play at the detective game.
"Touche." She replied, giving up so easily that it came as a surprise. He nodded along as he waited for the thing to bubble for a bit before he added the cheese. She hummed before she went on, "I won't pry on what you are so long as you don't pry on what I am,~ sound good?"
"I make no promises but that sounds good," He shrugged as he held his hand out so he could do the stirring.
"Come now, I'm not a Tzeenthician daemon. So long as you feed me, I'm satisfied." She teased him as she gave him back his ladle.
"So you say," He huffed in wry amusement as he watched the bubbling cauldron cook. With everything added in, he tossed in some fleshy puffballs and starchy mushrooms to make it hearty and filling, then grabbed one of the nearby stools and sat down, stirring from time to time to avoid having anything stick to the bottom of the pot.
He stared at the flames as they licked against the blackened steel. He reached out for them, letting his hands get cleansed by the open fire before he pushed against it. Sweat dripped down his brows as he tried squeezing out whatever power he could still make into the fire. He reached deep within, trying to dreg out the proverbial bottom of the barrel. For a brief second he saw the flames flicker green and that brought a smile to his face.
It was a slow process, rendering everything down to stick too in a low flame. He couldn't achieve a very high temperature and pressure so he did the next best thing, cook it till everything was unrecognizable. Logs of white chitin based wood were thrown into the fire as he kept watch while keeping an irate and bored daemon at bay with liberal use of his ladle to the forehead but he suspected she was only trying now so she could have a taste of the sauce stuck to her forehead. She was a crazy little lady and he was stuck here having to feed her.
"Mmmm,~ what is that? It smells so heavenly." She whispered into his ears as he felt her clamber up his back. He felt a bit tense with her so close, but he felt himself relax after a while. He felt himself sag at the realization that he might have been away from civilization for so long that he was ok with this; he had it bad.
"What? Didn't your father teach you how to cook?" He asked without any heat in his tone as she hung on to him with her arms around his neck.
"Oh he did but he won't share what he cooks. He kept sharing it with everyone. By the time he gave me some, it was but a mere speck." She complained with an annoyed grimace and he found himself frowning as well. Who the hell would give their own child a small morsel of food? "He keeps saying that it's a gift that grows but how can food grow if it's already in my stomach!" She then added making him finally understand, no wonder she felt so clean; unlike the other times he'd had to face cults that sprang up among his servants.
"Hah, he sounds like an ass." He chuckled as he scooped up a generous serving and took a sip. He felt his brows rise at the surprising taste it had. It had a bit of tang to it and the warmth it filled his stomach with was hard to describe. It almost reminded him of home, his real home away from this hell hole.
"He is! I don't get why people like him so much and how they run away when I come to their aide. I only wanted their rations but no, they have to run to the nearest Farseer and the humans are no better with their Sisters of Silence." She added with a pout earning her a chuckle from him.
"Well, that's enough complaining. Here, have a taste of what you've been missing out on when you decided to raid my pantry without thinking." He replied as he offered the ladle to the ravenous woman. She eagerly slurped it up, chewing on his ladle as she made it her mission to devour every last morsel she could get.
The moaning she made was extremely distracting to the point that he questioned if she was just a Slaaneshi masquerading as a Nurgling but the acidic goo dripping on his shoulder told him otherwise and it actually tickled. His only regret, and saving grace, was his lack of a tool to respond with but there was a phantom feeling and wasn't it a bitch to deal with.
He sighed as he pulled on the ladle after she heard some crunching when there shouldn't be and he found himself looking at a half eaten utensil. He stared at the purple goo as it ate away at his wooden ladle. He shrugged as he tossed it in the flame before reaching out for a replacement.
He rose away from the flame before letting the fire die out as he stirred the logs around. It had cooked for long enough and now it was time to eat. Grabbing one of the racks he had for his pot, he set the pot on the table before he warned Beel, "Do not eat it straight from the pot."
With that warning, he went to grab some bowls and spoons to eat from. He came back to a perfectly immaculate pot with a patient Nurgling with her bib on once more as she waited for her meat, "Huh, half expect you to slurp some up while I look away."
"And eat without you? You wound me." She replied with a bright smile.
Without any fanfare, he started serving her some soup. He made sure to give her a generous serving as well in one of the uglier, but bigger, bowls he had. "Well, time to eat," He replied as he sat down and dug in. He tried his best to ignore the lewd sounds she made but he just couldn't. Not even chewing with his mouth open could stop him from hearing her orgasmic moans of pleasure.
"So, what brought you to my corner of this universe?" He asked as he tried a different approach to stop her and worked, it did. She stopped moaning as she chewed on her food before swallowing it down.
"Oh that? Well I just so happen to be in the right corner of the Warp when you tumbled through. The gaping hole you made in reality was quite the curious sight so I thought I'd observe it and lo and behold the one that caused it was far more interesting than it." She admitted as she took another bite without a moan.
"You know about the nature of the tear?" He pressed on, actually curious this time around.
"Well not exactly but the Tzeenthcian I threw at it became quite familiar with it until he dissolved into raw Warp Energies. Earnie will be missed," She replied solemnly. He nodded along as he kept up the small talk and he found her more than willing to converse. After nearly three months of being stuck here without anyone to talk to, it was a nice pace of change. It didn't take long before both of them finished the small pot and boy could she eat.
He let out a mighty burp, making her giggle as she wiped her mouth clean. "Compliments to chef, that might have been the best meal I had in ages. Maybe even more so than Ku'gaths' arm but jussst maybe," She replied with a sigh of contentment.
"Well, off I go to bed! A nap after such a hearty meal is exactly what I need," She replied as she stood up but she'll find herself walking in air as she grabbed her by the back of her collar. "H-hey! Where do you think you're taking me?" She asked in panic as she tried prying his fingers off her suit but she'd find it harder than it looked.
"The talk was nice but it's time for you to go. Here's some mapple's now off you go," He answered courteously as he thrusted a basket of fresh fruits on the bewildered woman's arms before dropping her off his front porch and locking the door behind him. He let out a sigh as he finally got her out. A fed visitor was way easier to toss out than a hungry one.
"Magsnik? Magsnik! Let me in! It's cold out here and I'm lonely…" She called out pitifully as she banged her fist on the door but he chose to ignore her as he sat down on his rocking chair and grabbed one of the empty plates of wood and stared at it.
"Hmm… I should probably write a poem about that soup." He muttered to himself as he tried to drown out her voice but she was persistent about it, "I'll clean the house! I'll even tend to the plants! I'm good with plants! Just let me stay in your house!" She reasoned along with other promises so she could have room and board but he wasn't sure he could stay sane for long.
She went on for almost an hour but, finally, she stopped. He sighed in relief as he looked at the empty black board he had and wondered if he should draw instead only to see the pressed form of Beelzebubs face and chest on one of the glass windows he managed to salvage.
"Come on! You feed me and then toss me out? You're giving mixed signals here!" She whined, making him groan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Damn it, I'm never going to get rid of her ain't I?" He talked to himself as the woman tried her best to pry the window open. Turns out, it was he who gave in first; and it only took her appearing in the mirror of his bathroom to make him give up.