Being a taxman of the empire wasn't an easy job.
People yelled at you, people screamed at you, people demanded you, people threw stuff at you. Even dirty socks. Even night pots, sometimes. But it was the most necessary job of all, since without taxes, how could the empire prosper? How could the road be kept functional, how could they rebuke the assault of the foreign countries, always eager to sack and pillage, how could they finance the temple of the sacred Numens and how could the emperor Primus Magnus Supremus afford his fourth palace? His new swimming pool with live mermaids? His golden carriage covered in rubies? It would be a travesty if money did not go where it should, meaning, the pockets of the best of the empire.
To think that some taxmen lined theirs with the obols of the common folks! How dare they put themselves over the emperor! There was only a species worse than them: tax evaders.
And someone had tipped him with a strongly worded letter, that a certain Mayor, a fallen noble called Klavus Merripenny, may his name be struck from the annals, had decided to keep all his ill gotten earnings for himself without sharing a thing. A single lyre. With his majesty. How could he even fathom to do something like this. Every earning, fair or unfair, had to be justly taxed. The emperor did not mind where the money came from, he minded that it came at all. And it seems that this little man decided not to share his slice of the pie. Especially since he was, the letter said, selling the subject of the great Emperor to the empire's enemies, since they paid well. Well, well, well, it seems like a job made for Denny and his merry band of armed protectors trained in the mortal arts and the use of the musket, to put an end to this nefarious scheme.
He and his man, along with two carriages and a cart, which had a big iron cage on top of it, had finally reached Cranesworth after a long journey. The first stop would involve a quick talk with the guard of the city. Unfortunately, they arrived at a completely empty garrison: it seemed like they could use the help of no guard in their endeavors. Not that he was expecting any, since the letter clearly stated that they were all at the back and call of the Mayor. Still, it would have been nice to check any book they could have, too.
The city streets were all ruined, the magic lamps were cracked, broken or malfunctioning, with some being litten even though it was daytime, and a lot of the houses they passed by were in a horrible condition. Only the Numens’ temple was well maintained, its paned glass window shining in the daylight, its exterior seemingly made of pink marble, the statues in the nooks all showing their brilliant hue. A couple of happy clerics, brooming in front of the main door, waved in his direction when he looked towards them. Oh how he wished they were taxable, with all the precious and the monetary donations they received.. Unfortunately, the mandate of the Emperor was given by the Numens, so he could not really tax his benefactors.
In the distance, he could hear a big ruckus, and something similar to an explosion, but he had his priorities: he ordered his men to march toward the mansion, visible from here. It must have been a real jewel in his prime, when the late Mayor was still in power. Iw was made of gray stone, probably from the old quarry (that now had become a mine, that again, had not yet been taxed since no one had mentioned it to the city office) and it probably had an austere look, but now it showed many cracks. Sure, the main door was protected and enchanted from intrusions, but, Denny thought moving his monocle, it was a shoddy job paid less than it deserved and never refreshed. He probably would not even need a ram to break it. He decided that he could just shout it open and be received by the scoundrel. He did not have time to lose. Time is money, and all the money belongs to the Emperor.
So he went to the door, and gave it three angry knocks. Something seemed to give. Then, he opened his mouth, and took a deep breath.
The trumpet bearer saw him prepare to shout, and began to blow sound into the world with their instrument, to support his voice.
His monocle shined a bit, and he bellowed as loud as he could ““By decree of his majesty the illustrious Emperor Primus Magnus Supremus, I hereby request to look at the books of the man called Klavus Merripenny, Mayor of this town and alleged tax evader, so that a fair tax can be levied!”
The door opened with a thunderous sound, the wall of the manor trembled, the windows showed some cracks and dust fell from the roof.
“I am Denny the Devoted, and you’d do well to show yourself before I start tearing down the walls!”
He got inside, followed by his escort, and started looking around. He heard a small commotion, and someone ran down the stairs. He stopped right at the entrance.
“Good day sir!”
Two elders appeared before him, and he got a very good look at them. The two had a weird tinge of debt with the crown, as shown by the red hue he could see emanating from them, though nothing that serious. The old woman had a… Leather? Bound book in her hand, that in his vision appeared completely covered in blood.
—
It had been almost half an hour since the miners had started hacking at the stony roots of the magical stone embedded in the foundations of Partoce’s house. The guards were still trying to make it collapse by pulling at its base first with a rope, then with a metal chain, but the results were even worse. The chain broke with a loud clinch.
“The stone won’t give, sir! It just keeps breaking our tools!”
“We must blow it up, then”, said Mayor Merripenny, pinching his nose ridge. “It’s the only way. I want this stone as soon as possible, are we clear?”
“Yes, sir!” answered a guard.
“Mayor, please!” Partoce got to his knees, praying to the man amongst his whimpers, “my home! Don't destroy my home!”
“You won’t need a home when I’m finished with you.” the fallen noble spit on the poor man ”This is all your fault. You could have just died and have your betters take the stone but no, you have to actually do a good job. And such a good job you did. Mutt,” he bellowed, turning toward his armored guard that was speaking to his valet “tell them to bring the explosives.”
“Sure thing, sir. I’ll notify the artificers.”
The armored guard walked away. Partoce rested his face on his hands, without leaving the floor where he was still kneeling. “My home…” He looked around, and started wailing.
Some minutes later, Mutt came back with three people carrying big explosive candles. They put them on the base of the stone, and prepared a long wick that went out the house.
“Everyone, out! We are going to blow up this stupid rock!”
All the guards and the miners inside went out of the building in a line. Mutt brought Partoce out carrying him like a sack of pomato roots, who did not seem to stop his screaming.
The artificers lit the wick. The flame ran up, fast, until it got inside. A loud explosion bloomed into existence, the roof of the house collapsed, bringing part of the walls together and raising a wall of dust. When the dust settled, the magic stone was still there, stuck in the now clear foundation.
“What is this sorcery! This must be the work of a warlock! Or better yet, of my ex wife and her henchmen!” He grabbed Partoce by the collar, and put his face as close as humanly possible to the young man's. “Are you in league with them, boy? How much did they pay you to torment me? Speak!”
“I did not do anything! They said it would be all right! They said-”
“Who’s they?”
He looked really scared. A tear left his left eye.
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“An elder, who said he was a friend of my late father, and his wife. They said they would help. It was them who brought the stone here, but I did not think they would-”
“Would what?
He felt a chill down his back. Someone entered his house. Someone was in his house. A thief! It must be a thief!
“Rally the men! A rat has come to steal from my pantry! Be quick! And you, you will come with us, so that you’ll spill all the information you have about these facinorous elders when we’re done with this disturbance!!”
—
“Oh, what a fortuitous encounter! See, we are actually two very, very concerned citizens, and we saw that the Mayor’s manor was empty. We thought something foul could have befallen on the poor man, so we decided to enter, and looking around, we found his safe, completely empty! It just had this book, here, take it, it just had this book inside.” Liliane handed the book to the taxman. “We’re not sure but we believe someone must have kidnapped the man and stolen all his riches. The manor was practically barren!”
Denny looked at the book, closely, now. A golden badger manifested from his monocle, and started growling towards it. He opened it, and a long string of names, dates and amount of money was written in red letters inside it. They glowed in an eerie light. There were also some pages full of words and signatures, probably contracts.
“You truly are a brilliant son and daughter of the empire! This is exactly what I came here for. The action of this miscreant must be stopped, and I think me and my friends will be the wall where he’ll bash his head in, this time. He won't run away.” the taxman cracked his knuckles, loudly. “I'll make sure of it.” The golden badger moved to rest on his shoulder.
“Oh, did the Mayor do something wrong?” asked Liliane, feigning ignorance, “We heard some weird voices about him being a loan shark and a human trafficker, but we just thought it to be hearsay from his ex wife!”
“It seems like the rot is deeper than I thought, looking at this. Various officials of the empire are involved. I think a purge must be done. Thank you again for your meritorious service. For your actions, I will pardon what little debts you had accrued with the crown.”
The man waved towards them, and suddenly, the wind picked up, and Liliane and Lazar felt… lighter, somehow.
“Now, we just need to catch the petty criminal. Where do you think he could have run to? Did he know about this audit and left the city?”
“No, great taxman, I think we will see him very soon” said Lazar, gesturing towards a dust storm coming from the street and going in their direction, in the middle of which an armored carriage could be seen, followed by troops of guardsmen running behind it, led by a big, armor-plated figure.
The carriage stopped right in front of the entrance. Liliane, Lazar and Denny, followed by the taxman’s escort, got out of the mansion.
Mayor Merripenny practically jumped out from the carriage, and was soon flanked by the city guards. He had a monstrous look on his face, he looked almost like a demon, so much his features were distorted by his fury.
“Thieves! Thieves and scoundrels! I’ll flay you alive! I’ll tan your hide and sell it to the best buyer! I’ll find every member of your family and sew them together! I will-” as soon as he saw the Taxman, in his signature outfit, a long, dark red overcoat, leather pants, and something that resembled a butcher’s apron underneath, his face lost all its color and he remained there, frozen. A guard tried to approach him, to get him out of his shock, “Mayor, what should we do with those -”
“Nothing!” he bellowed, visibly shaken, “pardon me, revered Taxman, I did not see you were here. You see, I felt that someone had broken the ward on the main door of my mansion, and I thought I had a thief problem, that is why I was so incensed. But it seems obvious that there must have been a misunderstanding, wasn’t it?”
“I think it wasn’t sir, no, we are here for the same reason. There is a thief in the city. And that would be you.”
“Me? Who slandered me so?”
“No mere slanders, I’m afraid.” He lifted the leather bound ledger, so that everyone could see it. “Is this book yours?”
“How did you get it?” he bellowed, “it’s private! It’s- it’s just a diary! How dare-”
“I dare, you filthy maggot, scum of the earth, I dare because this is an oath binding ledger, not a diary, and it contains all the riches you misappropriated from the same subject you should guide and protect, as the Emperor ordered!” The taxman seemed to grow three feet taller, such was the baleful aura he was emitting while looking at the Mayor. “But this will end here.”
“The Emperor, you say? The Emperor?” Merripenny started laughing, holding his belly. “ Where was the emperor when my wife conspired with my worst rival to make me lose all my fiefs and my noble title? When I was shunned to this cesspool of a city? Where was he?”
“I did my research, my beloathed Mayor. Your wife left you because you tried to sell your daughter for a better position in court. And it’s your action that brought this city to its knees.”
“She was my daughter! Mine! I can do whatever I want with what’s mine!”
“You really are beyond redemption. Your subjects are not yours. Your money isn’t yours. All that you see belongs to the Emperor and you are hereby accused of tax fraud, tax avoidance, embezzlement, human trafficking, and corruption of public officials. You’ll be taken in custody and brought to the capital, where you’ll face a jury of your peers. Expect nothing less than a capital punishment, if they’ll be lenient with you.”
The taxman’s escort started getting closer to the Mayor.
“No! You can’t do this! Guards! Do something!”
The city guards had left a hollow space around him. Everyone, except the Deinish guard, had stepped back.
“This is the end, Mayor”, said Danny, looking at the fallen noble, “and before this filthy thing does even more damage…” the golden badger opened his mouth, and breathed a golden fog over the magical ledger. The red letters lost their hue, becoming black, and all the signatures in the contracts crumbled away. A sound of breaking glass reverberated everywhere, and a series of coin pouches appeared in front of some of the people present.
“Now, your ill gotten gains are back to the one they belonged to. Surrender now and don’t try to do anything rash.”
Klavus Merripenny was white as a sheet. He started screaming and tearing out what little hair he still had on his head.
“No! I won’t let this end like this! Mutt, you owe me your life! I lifted you from a beast to something resembling a human! Keep these thieves at bay while I make my escape!”
He started to run in the direction of the Deinish guard. He did not make it far.
The armored guard lifted his right arm, steadied his stance, and gave a charged punch in the face of the mayor, who instantly crumbled to the ground, unconscious.
“You bought me from my starving family and then sold them too when they became indebted to you. Rot in the night, scum.”
Two of Denny's men got a hold of him, put manacles on his wrists, and brought him to the cage that rested on the cart. They opened the bars, put him inside, and closed it with a key. He laid there, unmoving.
“Will he be ok?” asked Liliane, showing a bit of concern for the man.
“That was a hell of a haymaker. He’ll be out for at least half a day.” replied Lazar, unshaken. “ I just hope he’ll be coherent enough to enjoy his punishment.”
“I don’t want to have debts with the crown, ever. Let’s find a good accountant when we're able to come home.”
Mutt got closer to the two elders, and extended his hand.
“It's a pleasure to meet you two. I never thought I'd see such an infamous duo in the wild. I thought you retired man moons ago. My name is Filibert, and I must thank you. This plan wouldn’t have gone so smoothly if it wasn’t for you meddling ki- ehm, elders.”
Liliane shook his hand with both of hers.
“It’s what we do best.”
“It’s not,” quipped Lazar, chuckling, “What the night are you saying.”
“Shush now”
“Anyway, I’m in your debt. If you ever need a hand, you can contact me. Here, this is my magpie signature. Just go to any aviary office and they will deliver your message to me.”
“So, this is the end of this little quest, right? We have to look up where to go next.”
“Yes, we should. Oh, right, do you have some of the maps Partoce sold you to pay his father's debts? Could you give them to us?”
“Sure, all yours. Never even used them. Pass later by the garrison.”
He gave them a slip of paper, then rounded up his mens, and walked away towards the taxman, to tell him all the information that wouldn’t be shown in the book.
“Squeak, squeak!” said Thyme and Spyce, peeking out of the purse, and looking towards the back of the crowd.
“Oh, there you are, young men!” Lazar said, gesturing towards the son of the cartographer. “You'll be our guest for tonight, so you'll have more time to find accommodation.”
“I don't know what to say. Sure, your action made me lose my home, but I finally got my hard earned money back, and I can finally leave this place behind. The money I’ll get from selling the stone…” he looked toward the taxman, “after I pay my taxes on it, will help me move. I'll probably go to another city and look for a job there. Still, thank you for bringing the Mayor to justice.”
“You are welcome, young man. Your father… Well, let's not talk about him. I hope all your plans come to completion.”
“May the wind bless your steps.” said Liliane, making a short bow towards the young man.
“Thank you, ma'am. I hope we'll see each other again in better circumstances. Goodbye.”
“Goodbye Partoce!”
Liliane looked at Lazar, and hugged his right arm.
“Shall we go too, my love?”
“Yes, we have to go back to Brama and Dulci, and I think it's time for lunch, after all. Isn't it?”