TOP SECRET
Department of Tearing Mishap Management
Incident Report Collection: Volume XXIII
Incident Level Memory Wipes Required Department Response Code Green 1-5 Slugs "Just another Tuesday" Code Yellow 6-20 Slugs "Someone's getting overtime" Code Red 20+ Slugs "Chief's drinking again"
URGENT REMINDER:
Smartphones are NOT powered by magic. Please stop trying to charge them with "pure energy." The Apple Store is getting suspicious.
INCIDENT REPORT #247: THE STARBUCKS CATASTROPHE
Location: Downtown Manhattan Incident: Earthworker gets frustrated with waiting in line, accidentally makes entire cafe counter sink two feet into ground. Cover Story: "Unexpected foundation settling due to nearby construction." Casualties: 23 customers, 4 baristas, 1 very confused health inspector
Note from Response Team: "Can we PLEASE stop giving Earthworkers espresso? This is the third 'sinking building' incident this month."
TECHNOLOGICAL ADAPTATION GUIDELINES
Problem Incorrect Solution Correct Solution Dead Phone Channeling "pure sphaeram" Using a charger Slow WiFi Enchanting router Calling provider Password Reset Memory extraction Reset link
INCIDENT REPORT #382: THE DMV DEBACLE
Location: [REDACTED] DMV Incident: Shifter changes appearance 12 times during license photo. Claims "couldn't find their good side." Cover Story: "Faulty camera equipment causing multiple exposures." Damage: 1 camera, 2 computers, and one DMV employee's belief in reality
⚠️ SOCIAL MEDIA PROTOCOL VIOLATION ALERT ⚠️
The following platforms require IMMEDIATE attention:
TikTok Stop posting "impossible" magic tricks Instagram Filters do NOT hide shapeshifting accidents YouTube "Top 10 Unexplained Events" should not feature your mishaps
INCIDENT REPORT #567: THE ZOOM CATASTROPHE
Platform: Corporate Zoom Meeting Incident: Shifter cycles through 17 appearances while trying to look "professional" IT Excuse: "Graphics driver malfunction affecting video rendering"
IT Department Note: "Please stop blaming Mercury retrograde for sphaeram accidents in tech support tickets."
ELEVATOR INCIDENT #419: PHILOSOPHICAL CRISIS
Excerpts from Sentient Elevator's Journal:
"Day 1: What is up? What is down? Are these merely constructs of human perception?"
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"Day 3: If I move between floors, am I still the same elevator?"
"Day 7: Do humans use me, or do I use humans to fulfill my purpose?"
Maintenance Cost Report:
Elevator Therapy Sessions $500 Staff Therapy Sessions Ongoing Philosophy Books $247
DATING APP ADVISORY
❌ DON'T ✅ DO List "shadow walking" as a hobby Say you "enjoy evening walks" Put "mind reading" in skills Say you're "good at reading people" Multiple profile pics in different forms Pick ONE appearance and stick to it
FINAL NOTICE FROM DEPARTMENT CHIEF
Remember fellow Tearings:
1. Slugs will explain away most sphaeram incidents with "Must be CGI"
2. TikTok is simultaneously our greatest cover and biggest threat
3. "The internet was glitching" is becoming an overused excuse
4. Stop using sunderglyphs at Disney World - Mickey is getting suspicious
Emergency Contact:
"Magical" Mishap Hotline: Just think really hard about needing help - we'll know.
Document Ends
Classification: Humorous But Actually Quite Serious
Approved by: Department of Keeping Magic Under Wraps Tearing Secrecy
Date: [REDACTED]