Another life , a new beginning

Ch.1

The End and A New Beginning part 1.

“I’m I dead?” I thought, as I saw nothing but darkness around me. Not only was I surrounded by darkness, I felt nothing as well. The pain that had been so vividly running through out my  body in that moment , now gone. It was as if I was drifting in a stateless and void less space.

     Yet I was conscious, which was weird, because I was sure I had died, I mean, any person would have died after that attack, but yet here I was, still conscious for some reason.  I wasn’t a religious guy, so I didn’t really believe in heaven or hell. So, I was sure this wasn’t any form of heaven or hell because there was nothing.  I guess I was right in thinking that when you die you stopped existing, like the light of a candle going out. Nothing left after. Yet here I was, still conscious, floating aimlessly in darkness, so I must be dead. Perhaps this is my soul and this is nothing more than a last burn before the end. A mere thought left that will go out just like the last burning of a flame, but before I go out, you must be wondering who is this person talking to you.

Well, my name is Mathew Asegura, I was born in the year 1992, I was 30 years old, a college dropout, unemployed and single. And, I regret to inform you, well more like there’s no point in hiding it anymore, considering I’m death so there’s no reason to feel embarrassed by it. A virgin, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is  how I died, well don’t worry because I’ll tell you the events that lead to my demise. My last will, if you will, before I spoof out of existence. One last testament to my existence.

***********************************************

“BRRRRR! BRRRRR!”

“Stupid alarm,” I said, slamming my hand at it, stopping it’s incessant noise.

“Why do I have an alarm again, is not like I need to be at work or at school or anywhere really. ”

“Ouch,” I said, feeling the hit on my hand. I must had hit it a bit too hard this morning.

But I was to exhausted from last night’s events to care about the pain.

And the reason I was too exhausted is not because I was out on a weekend night. Not because I didn’t want too, but because I didn’t have any friends to go out with, and I was unemployed as well, so I didn’t really have any money to spend.  So I spend, like most weekends and everyday really, playing the latest Magic and Warriors MMORPG, which I bought a full year subscription with the money that was supposed to hold me off until next month. Just thinking about it was making me anxious.  I’m thirty, unemployed and a virgin. A big fat failure. And broke as well.  What was I going to tell mom and dad?

“They probably wouldn’t care to be honest.”

But at least I reached the Grand Sage title, as well as that cool elite gear I was striving for. So, it wasn’t such a loss.

 “Oh god! I’m such a loser, aren’t I?”

Being happy about some virtual achievement was so pathetic, but it was the only think I had to show for as anything related to some sort of accomplishment in all my thirty year alive on this earth.

“I’m really a big, fat, failure, aren’t I….”

 I  let out a slight laugh, I was beginning to turn into- I was one already but I guess lying to oneself isn’t so bad, --one of those so called NEET’s from my favorite Anime shows. 

“Ring, Ring!”

 I could hear the faint sound of the phone underneath all the dirty laundry and pizza boxes that had piled up around my bedroom, if it could be called that. It was more like a trash can that a place where any sane human could  come home and rest. Not that it mattered, for I spend most of my days playing Magic and Warriors, but still. Maybe I should tidy up a bit. But knowing myself, I probably wouldn’t anyway. Besides, today was the start of the Elite Event, I couldn’t afford to spend my time cleaning my small little apartment. I had raids to do, and a guild to manage. Hey, at least they needed me, for god knows they were clueless without me.

“Ring! Ring!”

The sound still annoying me, not going away. I let out a sigh, for I knew who it was. I stood up from my bed, slowly as I could. Enjoying every second of it, and wishing those seconds could stretch for eternity. No worries to plague my sorry existence, just a nice sobering feeling to wash away everything.

I looked around my room and spotted the only furniture that matter in this room. My state of the art computer, its screen flashing vividly like the glow of an angel, and there it was, my prize possession.  A Level 100 Grand Sage, with both healing, offensive and defensive abilities. I was number one in the whole server. And my guild, The Left behinds—stupid name, I know-- my second prize possession, was number one as well. And Elite guild among guilds. Just thinking about it brought both a sense of accomplishment as well as a deep sadness. Ten years wasted on that game. But, if I was honest with myself, it wasn’t all so bad. I did met some interesting people.

“Is okay, Mathew,” I told myself, for just thinking about it was beginning to make me suicidal. I let out a laugh.

‘Suicide,”

That word had been peeking its ugly rear head for quite some time now. Not that I contemplated it. But…………

“RING ! RING! “

I could still hear that damned ringing sound, not letting off. Perhaps I was putting off searching for it, for only one single person call me.

‘Can’t hide from it.”

 I searched around my room. It truly was a mess, and not fit to have any girls over. Not that I had to worry about that. If my appearance didn’t scare them away, my situation in life would surely do.

“Snap out of it,” I told myself, I could feel a deep tightness in my chest. No doubt my lifestyle catching up to me, or was it that ugly word spreading inside of me like a disease.

‘There it is,” I said, breathing a sigh of relief, for it had snapped me out of a dangerous mind set.

I walked to the phone, it was at the corner behind some pizza boxes, I picked it up and wiped a left over chees stain from it. But it didn’t matter for I could still smell it cheesy leftovers.

“H-Hello,” I said, my voice was a bit raspier that usual, no doubt from the all-nighters I had been doing since the release of the next update for Wizard and Warriors.

“Yikes, you sound how you look,” a woman said, her voice cold.  

“T-Thanks mom,” I said, recognizing the voice. It was my lovely mom. No doubt checking up on her favorite son. 

“I’m coming over, please clean that shit hole of yours,” she said, Yet I wasn’t angry she spoke that way to me, there was no point, and besides why be angry at the truth.

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“I’ll try,” I said, letting out a faint chuckle.

“Knowing you, you’ll probably won’t, anyway, I’ll be there by noon,” she said, hanging up. I didn’t blame her for her coldness and nastiness. Perhaps I had sucked away all the love from her.  I dropped the phone back to the cheesy hell I had found it in.

“I hope I still got hot water,” I said, walking toward the bathroom. Not that I was getting cleanup for her, it was just that I reeked a bit too much than usual.

“Ah! that’s nice,” I said, As I sat down on the bathtub, the nice, clean water relaxing me. It was a bit cold but it was okay. I closed my eyes, I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Perhaps that was for the best. Not that anyone would miss me, perhaps a few of my guild buddies, but they wouldn’t really miss me. They didn’t know me, and if they did, they would probably be ashamed to know me. Heck, I’m ashamed to know myself.

“Suicide…” that word made its way back to my mind.  And this time I welcomed it. No longer shutting the door at it. I could submerge myself right now, and it will be all over. I began to slid down a bit further and further into the bathtub. The water coming closer and closer to my nostrils. I could almost feel it going up my nose. Relieving me of this pain in my chest.

“When did it all go wrong? But does it matter now…”

“Just do it,” 

“End it.”

 “Just a few more minutes,” I said, feeling every bit of air slipping away from me, and taking any life with it.

“Just a bit,” I said, clenching my eyes shut,

“Just a ….”

And that’s how it happened, I killed myself. Is probably what you were expecting considering my sorry state in life. Which I don’t blame you for thinking, If I was brave I would have probably ended it right there. But of course I wasn’t. Anyway, where were we.

“Ahh!” I gasped, sucking in as much air as I could, feeling life returning back to me.

“Idiot,” I said. Laying my head back, I looked at the ceiling. All white without blemish.

“Idiot.”

“I’m really I’m a failure.”

**********************************************

“There,” I said, cleaning up as much as I could, it still looked dirty but not like before. Not that I clean for her, or perhaps I just wanted to make her eat her words. Either way, I felt a slight pride in seeing the apartment somewhat presentable.

“Thud! Thud!”

 I heard knocking on the door,

“Coming,” I said, no idea why. But I was in a much better mood than before. Perhaps it was my failed attempt, but whatever it was. My mood wasn’t as bad as it was this morning.

“Hi, mother,” I said, opening the door, trying to give her an award smile. Being a reclose had for sure taken a toll on my social skills.

She had her black hair tied into a ponytail and that navy, blue suit of hers that she wore for her job as a real estate agent.  

“Gross,” she said,  as she let herself in.

“I see you tried to clean, but you failed, not surprising,” she said, her face full of disappointment and contempt not being able to hide it. I just nodded, there was no point and besides, I was bit cheerful. Which was scary.

“Anyway, I’m going to need you to move out by the end of the week,” she said, walking around the apartment, inspecting it.

“I’m going to live back at the house?” I asked, as I followed her,

“No, “she said, coldly, not letting a second go by.

“I don’t care where you live, but I want you out of this apartment by next week.”

I looked at her, her expression cold and aloof.

“I see,” I said, expecting this day to come. Yet, for some reason I wasn’t sad, or angry. I felt nothing, which was scary.

“Anyway, I need you to go away for a few hours while I show this place,” she said, digging into her purse.

“Here,” she said, extending her hand. Her eyes pitying me  like some sort of damaged goods. I grabbed the stack of dollars.  And left the apartment. I looked back, there was a hint of sadness, not for my situation. But for the fond memories, even though they were so few and far between, of my days in Magic and Warriors in that apartment. The fondest memories I had ever had.  Which was pathetic, but I didn’t care. They were mine.

I walked around the neighborhood, I had no real place I was heading to, but walking always cleared my mind.

‘Spare some change,” the neighborhood homeless said, extending his dirty, stain hand at me. I looked at him, almost picturing myself in him.

‘Sure buddy,’ I said, giving him everything she had given me.

“Wow, thanks!” he said, his eyes brightening, as if he had finally found what he perhaps had been searching for all his life.

“Don’t mention it,” I said, walking away from him.

I lit a cigarette, and watch the night come, people were leaving the park, going back to their warm, loving homes no doubt.  I leaned my head back.

“It’s beautiful,” I said, watching the smoke evaporate into the sky.

“One minute is there the next is gone.”

“I guess I’m homeless now,” I said, laughing,

“Well, I knew this day would come eventually, can’t mooch of your parents forever.”

I could feel the cool breeze taking away all my troubles with it, and for the first time, I felt a certain peace with it. I looked up at the sky,  it was already getting late. The stars had begun to take root, they almost reminded me of my childhood when I used to look up at them and wonder how my life was going to be.

“I wonder if young me would hate me, probably. And to be honest, I didn’t blame him. I let him down.”  

“Guess I could sleep here,” I thought as I slide back into the cold metal park bench,  trying to find a comfortable position when I heard the screams of a woman.

“SOMEONE HELP ME!”

I looked around and saw nobody.

“Hello…” I tried to say,

“PLEASE SOMEONE!”

Her screams were getting louder and desperate. I got up from the bench, and froze. Part of me wanted to run, to hide away, but yet I couldn’t. Someone needed help and I was the only one left in the park. If I left, I would be condemning them. I couldn’t.  

“Where are you?” I said,

“P-Please someone…” her words were getting weak. I had to act fast, I followed the voice. And stumble upon it.

Three guys had a women pinned down. God knows what kind of things their corrupted minds would unleash on her.

 My hand began to shake, and my head grew faint.

“RUN”

A voice in my head was screaming at me.

“Sto--.” I tried to say, yet the words eluded me.

“You’re the best guild leader ever.”

Their voices  sending a faint shock of strength throughout my body.

“Stop!’” I yelled. They looked at me, they looked like your stereotypical tough, henchmen looking guys that meant business. Just like the bad guys I was used to defeating in Magic and Warriors, only this time I didn’t have my awesome sage powers with me. I wasn’t Sephardi, the invisible sage. I was just the loser 30 year old  Mathew.

“Beat it, kid,” they said, as they continued their evil intentions with her. Grabbing her blouse and ripping it off her.  And for a minute I wanted to obey them, yet, somewhere deep in me, there was a hint of my manhood saying no. To stand up to them and save her, and prove to them that I  wasn’t a useless sack of shit, that has lived for thirty-year-old as a failure.

‘I-I said S-Stop it!” I yelled, well tried too. Trying to sound as serious as I could muster. Hoping the darkness of the night was covering just how I afraid I really was. The tears running down my face.

“Kid don’t make me repeat myself,” the leader of the group said as he got up from her. He was scary looking alright, yet all I could see was the fear in her eyes, a fear I understood all too well. That was the same look I had all through life. And in that moment, I understood I couldn’t leave her.

“ STOP IT!” I rushed at them, imagining myself as a great tank—a class in Magic and Warriors that holds the enemies attention-- rushing toward the enemies, knowing that I had to protect my companions. For only I could handle the aggro of the enemies.

I landed on the floor, my ears ringing.

“HAHAHA!”

“What a loser.”

I could hear their laughter, their mocking crackles, yet I couldn’t leave. My teammate needed me. They needed Sephardi the Grand Sage .

I got up, my head was throbbing, my knees were weak. Yet I couldn’t leave her. I tried to punch him, but it was futile, for his buddies tripped me. Making me land on my face. They began to kick me, stopping on me like a piece of garbage before them, and I didn’t know if it was because of the adrenaline, or fear, but yet it didn’t hurt. I bit one of them on the leg.

“But I had won in that moment, their attention on me now.”

“Ouch, you bastard,” he said, steeping away from me,

“Now you done it,” one of them said, grabbing me and picking me up from the ground.  

“Take this,’ he said, punching the little air I had out of me.  But it was fine, I was the tank just like in Magic and Warriors--My body was a shield for my companions. I looked at her,

“R…un, “those words caressing my lips. The boss was too much, we didn’t have a high enough level to take on such a boss, let out alone two of his minions. I hadn’t brought enough potions nor my buffs. This was a wipe.

“ARG!” I yelled throwing my head at him, and landing it on his face,

‘Direct hit, “I mumbled, staring up at him through my good eye. Blood mixing with tears. I was a mess, but I didn’t care, I could always repair my gear later.

“Now you really done it,” the leader said, as the three of them began to pound my face, body and every soft spot on myself.  Their rage timer going off, we hadn’t done enough damage.

“Fuck she’s gone,’ he said, looking around for her. With everything that was happening I didn’t see her flee and neither did them.  But thank goodness her language skill was high enough to read my lips. She must have been a great scholar. Just like in Magic and Warriors. As I stood all alone facing the enemies, I didn’t mind  it, as long as my companions had escaped to safety. After all, a good guild leader doesn’t leave his companions alone.

‘She probably called the police,” the leader said

‘This bastard saw our faces, I can go back to prison,” one of them added,

‘Fuck it, one more to the count doesn’t hurt,” the leader  said, taking a knife out and giving in to one of his minions.

“Do it quick.”

 Was all I heard before the surging pain came before me. Over and over. I dropped to the floor, and heard them leave.

“So peaceful,” I said, as I looked at the black sky before me, the stars were shinning particularly bright this night. My eyes grew heavy, and a certain cold wetness embraced me.

“Where did it all go wrong?”

My memories rushing through me, and as I swiped through them, I didn’t find the answer to my question, instead I found pieces of a puzzle rearranging themselves in a picture. All the failures had added up to one big failure.

“ I guess I was born to be a failure…”

“A star burning up before their time to shine.”

‘I can finally rest,’ I said, before taking my long needed good night sleep.

And that was all I remember. Hey, don’t be sad for me, I think I died a dead worthy of Magic and Warriors. Protecting a companion. Wait I think this is it, there’s a light coming toward me. Well it was nice telling my story to someone, anyway…

See you later....