How would you describe the state of the world if authority didn't exist? Would it plunge into chaos, or would it become more stable than it is now? What kind of society would emerge if all were equal? And what will happen once we are freed from such shackles as money? These questions are not just idle musings on my part; I've thought about them quite seriously at times.
Power ruins, and it can also save us. It's like that with everything in this world: there exists both good power and bad power. Good power is often something people don't have any choice but to accept, while bad power is often something they want to reject.
That's the divergence between those two types of power: whether it's accepted or rejected, either way, their influence remains. This has always been true since humankind was born. There might be some exceptions here and there, but by and large, humans tend to choose one side over the other.
A loop of trauma; is what I call it.
A loop of trauma; is what I call it [https://img.wattpad.com/0fa8388e6426c83d3bb3b46133cd021643b90bec/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f4f515a66396c5a64716162426d673d3d2d313333343638353530392e313735363830616431613533366338303236353038313834353839372e706e67?s=fit&w=1280&h=1280]
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POV: Natsuha Inose
"GO! GO! GOO!"
I hear guards running in the hallways, readying themselves up to fight whoever has been infiltrating this tower. It's been like this for 10 minutes now. All I hear are the screaming and the yelling of guards telling everyone in the floor that the tower was under attack. I, myself, didn't care about it at all. I've been doing nothing but killing clones that move like me, talk like me and think like me. It's been torturous, and everyday my personality seems to be fogged up even more.
If only there were someone beside me to stop me from feeling so lonely, then things would have gotten better... Or maybe I wouldn't feel so alone if they'd just put a few chairs or something here? I'm so pathetic. I don't even deserve company because I'm a murderer. Who would even want to look me in the face, knowing that I've done atrocious things that I could never forgive myself for... let alone be forgiven by other people?
Role model? Fuck off. I'm only a role model for murderers and sadists like me. I've killed about 2,473 clones already... Maybe even more. I've lost count after the 2000th one. Every kill led me to questioning reality even more. Am I really killing them or not? Am I just in some inescapable nightmare? A reality marble?
I didn't even want to think that me, killing living beings, was real. My sole purpose in life was to fight evil, not become evil! I refused to believe that this happened! But... It was real, and it took me so long to accept it... Oh god. If you're out there somewhere watching this, please make it go away! Make this all disappear! Please save me! My friends! All the people who are still alive--don't take them away from me, too!!
It's funny. Even if I pray, even if I cry out for help, no God comes to save me. No man equal to God will come to save me. I can't be saved. This was written in fate, itself. The power of evil won over good. I've become what I fought against. I've become the very thing that I swore to destroy. There isn't a single shred of hope left inside of me... Everything that once made me happy has vanished forever...
"..."
I open my eyes, and look under. I am carrying someone... someone who used to be my friend. I killed them. I killed them because Ultia forced me to. I had no other choice. I never had a choice. It was her or my little sister... I couldn't lose the only family member I currently have. I told myself after killing her that I could play it off like it never happened, because my intrusive thoughts told me that I already hurt my friends more than I could possibly imagine, that this was not on the same level.
Soon after, my foolishness would start becoming more real because I've been walking in this seemingly endless hallway for 5 minutes now... and all I've been doing is crying, holding my dead friend who I've killed in my arms. She was one of my best friends. And now I'm one friend less. What should I do with her corpse? Should I bury her? Or leave her here? Do I need to burn the body?
"...Someone... please... help..." I cry out, desperately looking for a helping hand, but no one heard me. No one is coming to save me. I've told myself this many times. No one CAN come to save me. I can't be saved...
"..."
A few minutes later, I find myself standing in the lobby of the tower, still carrying the person whose name is Nazuki Mihara. I look at her. She had blood all over her clothes, with a gaping hole in the right side of her chest. Her eyes were devoid of colour and she was as pale as a ghost. Her last words were full of terror... and she was stricken by fear before dying.
"Help."
"Help... Please... anyone..."
I hold my hands together, begging for help, tears streaming down my cheeks. My voice echoes through the empty lobby of the tower, but nobody answered back. Nobody came to save me. They knew it was useless anyway. I'm not worth saving.
I hear footsteps in the empty lobby. I jerked upwards and held my dead friend's body tightly. At first, I thought it was a scientist, someone from the tower trying to find me and take me back to my room... but.
I recognized those footsteps, they are the footsteps of the other man, that broke in the tower with Nazuki. The footsteps became louder and louder as he came closer and closer to us. Soon after, the footsteps ceased. I was too guilty to even look him in the eye. That's how bad all this is. That's how low I've fallen.
"..." I was quiet and so was he. After a few seconds, I finally lift my head up and look him in the eye. It was him. Andrei Feng. He was not staring at me, but staring at Nazuki- no... what WAS of Nazuki Mihara. Her lifeless body, wrapped around my arms. It was so cold. "..."
"... Natsuha..." Andrei's voice was breaking. He looked down at the corpse, his shoulders shaking slightly as he did so. He was injured. He had gunshot wounds all over his body. He was bleeding from the forehead and his clothes were disheveled. There was a rip in his mask, revealing just a third of his lips.
"What..."
"What did you do?"
The weight of that question pulled me down harder than the heavy guilt in my heart. I know why I killed her. There were infinite possibilities that I could've thought of to keep her alive... but how can I fare against someone who even Divo Aoyami can't beat? I had no choice! I didn't want to lose Tsuki! I want to see her again! I want to take care of her like the big sis I am! I want her to live a better life than I'm living!
But... there is no 'better' life waiting for her, right? Because as long as I'm alive, and kept on the leash... Tsuki is never going to get any better! If anything, she'll be worse off than me! They'll experiment on her, like they did to me. They'll make her life a living hell, like they made mine! They'll turn her into a puppet of their own creation! And if she doesn't die of torture or despair, she'd surely end up killing herself!
"Natsuha!" Andrei's yell made me snap out of it. His eyes were burning with anger as he stared at me. "Did... Did you kill Nazuki?" He asked, desperately waiting for a 'no' that he really wants to hear... but I can't give him a 'no'... because I did kill her.
"..." I chuckle, seemingly giving into the stress. "...Hehe... hehe..." I couldn't control it. It felt like I was being controlled by my own emotions. If I tried to deviate from chuckling for just a little bit, I could hysterically laugh any second. But I don't even want to laugh. Is this my coping mechanism? Have I gone insane?
"NATSUHA!"
Andrei yelled even harder now. "Answer me!" The more he spoke, the more his words gained weight. And the more weight his words had, the more it forced me to the ground. I... just want to grab his hand, run away from the tower, run away from the city, and live somewhere else where no one could reach us. Is that too much to ask? I want to leave.
"I'm sorry..." As soon as I said that, an unbearable pain ran through my chest. "I'm sorry..." I fell onto my knees and dropped Nazuki on the ground. I couldn't control my emotions anymore, and I cried. Cried until my throat was sore. Why am I apologizing?! I shouldn't apologize! She died because of me! She's dead because of me! She's dead because of me! She's dead because of me! She's dead because of me! She's dead because of me! She's dead because of me! She's dead because of me!
"... I... I had no choice..." The words came in a whisper, barely audible to myself, but loud enough for him to hear it. Andrei just looked at me. He's in shock. He's speechless and barely moving. He doesn't say anything for the longest time... But eventually, he opens his mouth.
"No... You had a choice." He said. "You didn't have to kill her."
"What...?"
"There is always a choice." He continued. "There is always another way."
"That's..."
"You didn't have to kill her!" He yelled loudly, making me jump in surprise. "If you wanted to survive, you didn't have to kill her!"
"...I..."
"Why did you do it!?" He lowered himself to my level and grabbed onto my shoulders, staring directly at me. "What did she ever do to deserve this?!"
"...She..."
"What did she do to you!?"
"..."
"WHAT DID SHE DO TO YOU!?" He yelled hard. I jerk my head upwards and look him in the eye now, yelling:
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"THEY WOULD'VE KILLED TSUKI IF I DIDN'T KILL HER!" I yell harder than he did, completely shutting him up. "Do you understand!? I would've lost the only family I have if I didn't kill her!" Everything came flooding back into my mind. Everything that happened in my room. "Is it really that bad!? Is it really that bad of me that I want to keep the only family I have alive!? Huh!? Answer me!!" I continue yelling at him.
"... Natsuha." He whispered softly. "... I came here to save your sister."
"..." I stop yelling at him and fell quieter than before. I noticed that he shed a tear. Why... why did he shed a tear? He wasn't looking at me anymore. In fact, he didn't dare to look me in the eye anymore. It felt like guilt switched places, and now it was written all over him.
I look at Nazuki's body, then back at him. He looks back at me and opened his mouth, talking: "I failed to save your sister..."
"..." I was silent as a stone, unsure of what to say next. He sighed and looked down at the floor. "I couldn't find her."
"..."
Andrei didn't stop kneeling down. He would hold Nazuki's dead body and then stand up, carrying it. "I'll bury her." Andrei then turned his back on me as he said that. I noticed that he was looking at the exit. He would turn his head to the left a bit. He didn't look at me, but he looked at the ground. He clenched a fist and gritted his teeth.
"... I haven't forgotten the promise I made to you. I will come back. I will save your sister. And I will save you." He would say, before walking to the exit and leaving the tower from the backside.
I stayed alone for quite some time after he went outside. The area was littered with bodies of scientists, security guards, and Hi-Quad alike. The entire lobby was a bloodbath. It was obvious that Andrei fought hard to try and save both me and my little sister. He was willing to sacrifice his life for me. He was willing to give everything up to save me. I...
I...
10 minutes later, I storm out of the tower myself [https://img.wattpad.com/39949a46b032e1e9b56e2b3e24d8e6f2baf79188/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f7152424f5534616d6a694a7474673d3d2d313333343638353530392e313735363834333238663163653464613934303330313535333033332e706e67?s=fit&w=1280&h=1280]
10 minutes later, I storm out of the tower myself. I could see myself running through people staring weirdly at me. I didn't care about that. All I cared about was getting to the place where I died... the place where Esthic saved me. I can't save anyone, not while I'm weak and vulnerable. Maybe being a Magician will help me out... maybe it will work.
I moved in between large groups of people, all of them looking at me and my gown. I'm drenched in the blood of people I killed... Their blood is on my hands. It's so unbelievable. It feels so unreal. I've never took myself as someone that killed people. I was meant to be a hero to people that looked up to me, not a role model for murderers and evil alike. What kind of world am I living in? Where do these thoughts come from?
I'll tell you where those come from; my own. I know damn well that society can never forgive me... and I don't care about that. All I care about is saving my sister. I need to save her. This isn't a game anymore. I've played this far too long. I'm going to turn the tides. I'll make you play this game now, Ultia. The day I become a Magician, is the day that I will bury you 6 feet under. You think your system is bulletproof? We'll see about that.
"Kghhhh..." I would grit my teeth as I hopped from one building rooftop to another, engaging in risky parkour. It was better to do this than having thousands of people stare weirdly at me. I'm the Second-Ranked, after all. People will know who I am. I can't afford to explain what happened, nor can I let myself get captured by Ultia's dogs.
After several minutes, I'm finally here—the place where my death happened. My stomach churns with anxiety and nerves. I'm sweating like crazy. I feel like vomiting, but there's no way I can throw up. I know what I have to do but do I really have the strength for it? If I become a Magician, I can not turn back. That change will cement the second I return. People will look at me with disgust. People will look at me with unamused and angry faces, knowing that their Second-Ranked betrayed the city.
People will probably even rebel against me. They'll take out guns, aiming for my head. Or maybe they'll just shoot into the air. I don't really care. I will save my sister. I would even kill people if that was the cost.
Without thinking on it further, I would stand on the very pavement that I died on. I would look up and yell out:
"ESTHIC! I'M HERE!"
In a split second, the area surrounding me started radiating many colors. There are so many lights flashing around me, blinding my eyes. Everything was moving so fast, I could barely see anything. Before I could even react on it, the world around me changed as well. It wasn't the real world anymore, but a place... unique to Esthic. It's the same place where I went to after I died. I keep thinking that this is the afterlife, but it isn't.
The turbulent colors faded and the world reformed itself once more. I stood on wooden floor of finely made furniture, surrounded by dark wood. The walls were also painted in dark brown and yellow hues.
The more I took it in, the more I thought—is this really the place where Esthic lived? Is this really godly? Everything felt so off and... dull. I would've atleast expected something more divine like stuff engraved in gold or silver, along with a grand staircase leading down to heaven; but instead all I got was simple, everyday objects. It's hard for me to believe that any god would live here.
The place would shake and I would stumble all over the place. "A- Ah! What the!?" I was unable to balance myself, the shaking was too extreme. I would fall and plant my hands on the floor in a final act of bracing. A few seconds later, the shaking stopped, revealing someone familiar.
That was it.
Esthic came back, more sophisticated and weird than ever. It was wearing a red, black robe, which looked so out of place against its skin tone. It had 12 eyes all over its face like always. Its hair, obscured by its hood, while most of his robe was covered with red and black veil. His long ears stuck out above the collar of his robes.
It held a book in one hand. This time, there are no symbols of protection around him, which is weird because why would a God need protection from a mere mortal like me?
It looked at me and spoke, its words playing inside my head. It didn't even have a mouth.
"I hear that you have called for me. To what do I owe you this visit?" It spoke in a sophisticated and... rather creepy manner. There was nothing holy about it, but something so much worse.
"... Esthic." The name slipped out of my lips without any warning, like an involuntary reflex. I couldn't stop myself. My mind just kept repeating the word over and over again. "Esthic!" I yelled louder and faster. "You know exactly why I'm here! You know exactly why!" I would lash out the pent up anger at it. It knew me well enough to understand what happened. If it did not want to help me, then let me go. Let me die. Let me die and save my sister.
Esthic remained silent, looking at me with its blank, 12 eyes. Why is it not speaking? It knows exactly what I'm here for. I'm to be made a Magician... I've accepted it.
"Make me a Magician... Please..." I would blurt out. That's the only way. Anything else will fail now. A perfect ending for me. But no, it wasn't going to give me that option. Not until it decided on how best to deal with my existence. What it said next left me utterly shocked:
"I cannot make you a Magician." My jaw dropped open. It sounded too unbelievable. Did I hear correctly? No, this has got to be wrong. I must have misheard. There's no way it could say something like that. This isn't happening... Is it?!
"What?!" I would yell out. "What... what do you mean? If you can't, then save my sister!" I said, raising my voice at him. "I cannot do that either." Esthic said without a moment of hesitation.
"WHY NOT!?"
I stomped the ground, creating a little crater beneath my feet. My aura was showing, indicating just how angry I was at this so-called deity's incompetence. The place shook violently once more as if it were reacting to me. I couldn't take it anymore. Every single part of my body was screaming in pain.
Esthic would look at me again, telling me things that I hated to hear. "You are too unstable to become a Magician." It said, with no regard of offense. "There is a possibility that you might harm yourself or others around you. And even if your abilities work properly, there is no guarantee that they will be useful against the enemy."
"The enemy?" I would look at it, dumbfounded. The enemy... does it mean the SPECs? Ultia? Who could it be? "... What enemy? I'm not asking you to make me a Magician because I want to fight your enemy! I'm asking you to make me a Magician because I want to save my sister!"
It continued, ignoring my plea. "As I said before, you lack discipline and self-control. A Magician excels in those categories. An unstable tool like you will not only hinder my plans, but the plans of my Lord—The Sixth."
"The Sixth..." I would murmur. I finally understood what he meant. The Sixth God of Magic... Sahadume. The God of Life and Death. But how is Sahadume relevant to this? "... Please. I can't lose the only family I have left... Please." I would drop to one knee, begging to receive Esthic's power—the power of Magic.
Esthic just looked down on me like I was a human praying to a God. It was just like that as well. I was praying that I would receive his power, just like how people pray to their Gods for good fortune and good luck. But the only things I have are bad luck and bad fortune... Am I the unlucky one out of the bunch? Is that what it is? Is that all it is?
Esthic would look down on me for another minute, until it spoke back to me. "Very well... if you insist. I can grant you the power of Magic." It said, all of it's 12 eyes blinking. "However, there will be something that you shall do before attaining this power."
I would look up at it like I acknowledged it as a true God, as a peasant who longed for divination. "... What... what do I need to do?" I would ask in a low voice, still on one knee. Esthic would smile, its hands on his back, maintaining his sophisticated, divine posture. "Fret not, child of God... As your savior, it is my duty to ensure your survival, and write your future that will benefit not only the plans of my Lord—but the plans of yours also."
It would form its hand into a fist, emulating a potential future around us. It showed Ultima City, my city.
In fire,
in turmoil.
Hell on Earth, that was the best way to describe it.
Remains of scorched lifeforms, disintegrating into the red sky above.
The red-stained ground, bathed in the bloods of the unfortunate.
The survivors' blood-curdling screams echoing throughout the entire place.
Their pleads returning only silence while their bodies were in flames.
It was truly sickening to see something like this, so much that it brought me to my knees and made me throw up. It was... traumatizing. What... what is that, even? Why did Esthic show me that? I'm at a loss for words... What is it trying to prove... What is it showing me? I have so many questions. Then it spoke with a more serious tone.
"Should you remain a SPEC, this may be your future. I can drive you to that future if I pleased, but I can also change your future. SPECs are the main root of the problem that this world will face. Their creation caused Mysticism... as we know it, to grow unstable—to be used as a form of extinction. Their fake existence has only brought upon destruction to our world, and they will continue on with their heinous, hellish acts until the end of time."
I listened to it in horror and fear, realizing it's true colors. It spoke about SPECs like it hated them... Which also struck me pretty hard. I am a SPEC, but I am also someone who is desperate to become a Magician to dig myself out of my own hole, and to save the only family that I have... Is that why it has been acting kind and helpful toward me, because I am to become part of them now?
"Alice Ultia is the one that will bring upon Last Impact on the world, and we cannot allow that to happen." It said, lowering it's arms. "I will not force my own ideologies and thoughts on you. But if you truly wish to become a Magician, then there will be a serious of trials that you must pass in order to be worthy for my power."
"... Trials? What kind of trials...?" I asked, standing up. My heart is racing. I'm scared of this deity. It then spoke again. "Three trials, to determine your worthiness to become a Magician. Three trials that will show that you are able to handle the power that I will bestow upon you. The first trial is about Strength, the second trial is about Mentality, and the third and final trial will test those all in one." Esthic smiled.
"..." I was just silent.
Esthic looked at me with a sinister smile, something that I would never expect a deity to have. It's like it's planning something terrible for me. "So, do you accept the terms?" It asked, its hands behind its back. "Do remember that if you accept to undertake those trials, there will be no going back. This... future that you will follow may not come true, and this may all be for naught. If you accept, you will no longer be one of Alice Ultia's dogs... you will become one of The Sixth's—My Lord's children." It's sinister smile became even wider. "Your life will belong to My Lord, and My Lord's alone. Are you okay with that?" It asked me.
I gulped, nervousness washing over me. I'm not sure if I should trust this entity... but I have to. I have to. I have no other choice. If I want everything to go right, this is the way. I have to become a Magician. I have to save my sister. I have to protect her. I have to protect my family. I have to protect the people that I care about. I have to protect my home.
I have to. All of them.
"... Yes." I would respond.
"I accept."