Matteo

The kiss had stopped almost immediately as Alena pulled herself away from me, creating a distance between us. Since when did it feel so wrong to kiss my own wife?

I had truly missed the feeling of her lips on mine but at the same time, I knew we weren't exactly in a good phase with one another. As much as I needed her affection, I needed to respect her more than prioritising my needs.

It eased me a little bit knowing she was still very much in love with me; she longed for my touch, for my kiss, yet she desperately tried to push us away.

I cleared my throat, "I'm sorry."

Deep down, I didn't need to apologise to my wife for kissing her but I was apologising incase I was putting her in an uncomfortable situation-despite the fact that, she was the one who kissed me first.

I'm glad she did, it gave me a few seconds of happiness.

"Please,

Matteo. It's better for us to have our own space for now," she replied.

"I can give

how

the space you want, Alena but you can't keep pushing me away forever. You want space? I can give you space. You just can't expect that I'll be further and further away from you. I'll just long for you more." My answer was a direct hit, she needed to know I felt about us. Alena Orlov, the same woman I had fallen in love with ever since she walked into my office. The day she had proposed for fake marriage, the day I saw her confidence and it was an attractive trait.

Women were used to

If I were to fall in love cling onto me, begging me for attention but she was clinging onto her freedom. The freedom she wanted for so long and she didn't mind risking it all.

If 1

If I were to

again and again, I'd choose to fall in love with her.

to meet someone again and again, I'd choose to meet with her.

Even if we were given different paths in our lives, even if we were bound to suffer along the road, I wouldn't want it any other way. My heart and my soul was no longer mine when she became my wife but it was all for her, for Alena.

I I couldn't explain to anyone else or even to myself about how much I love her.

All I could do was admire her and show her the love she deserved.

Ever since we became one, I had felt at peace with my life. As a sinner like me, as a killer like me, I had never thought of a happy ending with someone as perfect as her. I had suffered in different ways throughout the mafia but if all the suffering and all the grieving was to lead to her, it was worth it.

"Just... a little bit of time. Can you give me that?" She asked, her eyes pleading. "Of course. All the time

you

need."

I

If I weren't right in my thoughts, I would've pulled her in and embraced her.

Then again, even though she was mine and I was hers, she had every right to make her own decisions. As her husband, it was necessary for me to accept and respect it.

08:

Marco was supposed to be our bundle of joy, the light of our lives and the beginning of our journey as a married couple. We never expected to lose him. We never expected to bury our son he wasn't even given the chance to live his life yet. Thu, Oct 24 χουν x86%

!

If only Alena knew how many times I had imagined holding my son in my arms, singing him a lullaby, letting him feel the warmth of my body and always sending him prayers. The countless times of imagining being a family of three. There was no way in hell I could show my weakness in front of her. She needed the stronger version of me, the one who could support and provide for her.

I stood up, pulling the blanket close to her before slowly making my way towards the door.

I belonged there beside her, to let her sleep the night away in my arms and for me to smell her scent but tonight, just like any other nights before, I had to give her space. After sparing a second glance at her, I once in my life, the house

For

e had feltepped

out of

even though before her, it was only just me.

the room and close the door behind me.

Like I said, Alena was the colour. She brought every joy and every laughter into my life that when it had stopped, I felt as if I could lose my mind.

It didn't take me long to realise where my feet were taking me, to Marco's nursery. We had prepared everything for the arrival of our son; clothes, crib, essentials and even soft toys. We were thrilled to become parents and we thrived to be the perfect ones. I didn't bother to turn on the lights as I stood in the dark. when I reached out to the soft in the crib, it chest.

Nobody knew the times I had spent in here crying and deep in thoughts. Nobody especially Alena, she didn't have to know. her She didn't have to see me like this. She could cry her heart out and she could show her frustration but I could never see me this way. I reached out for the sonogram, just a couple of weeks before we found out his heart had stopped beating.

I remembered seeing the tears of joy on Alena's cheeks as we both felt the excitement. I had kissed her hand endlessly, smiling as wide as I could because I was happy. How could we had lost our happiness when just a couple of weeks ago, we were too happy? "Marco..." The name left my lips in a whisper, almost inaudible.

A small part of me was trying to stay positive into thinking that Marco was in a better place. That he was too good to be true, that he was angel and he didn't deserve to live in a cruel world.

However, another big part of me was blaming God for taking him away too soon.

I was never a devoted Catholic but I had respected his rules.

Was I not allowed to enjoy? Was I not allowed to be content?

I remembered when Sofia and I were happy, when we thought we were lovers. We were never blessed with a child-we weren't planning or anything, we just thought we were better off being just the two of us.

!

I wasn't ready to be a father and she wasn't ready to be a mother.

Yet, I was more than ready with Alena.

It was easier with her.

It was simpler.

I sat down at the corner of the room, staring out the window and onto the dark night sky. This room was going to haunt

08:27 Thu,

Oct 24

Alena every time she enters but every single thing in here was proof of our baby boy's existence.

I knew as days pass, we were going to get better. We were going to move forward with our lives and probably, we were going to be blessed with another baby. Even if all of those happen in the nearest future, we were never going to forget Marco. Moving on didn't mean forgetting at all. We just needed to move forward. We needed to live our lives.

I wanted nothing more than to be there for Alena. She could push me away, scream at me or even curse every I was never leaving her side. I was never going to let her cry alone, I was supposed to cry with her.

time I

try,

but

I placed a hand on my chest, feeling my heartbeat.

and well.

Awished I had died many times. I wished I had died every time I went to battle. I wished I had been shot to death whenever I was down but I guess they were right, the good ones were always going to leave first and the bad ones were left scattered.

That was me before Alena; I had wanted nothing more than to die.

I was a coward and I couldn't take my own life without thinking of the risks, of Mama. Until Alena came along and she became my main purpose to breathe, to be alive and to actually enjoy living again.

For me, it made me stronger.

T

Love could make anyone weak.

а

If I had died, I wouldn't

t know what

!Belonging to .

I wanted to find out on how we were going to grow old together.

t was like to fall in love again. I wouldn't know what it was like to hold Alena in my arms to kiss her lips, to make her my wife. I wouldn't know what it was like to live a good and full life with her. I stared down at my fingers, eyeing longer at the wedding band.

me.

It used to be a different wedding band but I had almost forgotten how the band looked like before. All I could remember was this one, with Alena's initials in it. It was a reminder that she belonged in my heart for as long as I live. Alena was the death of Alena was the last love for me.

If I

I were to outlive here, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I could only pray for my life to be taken away as quickly because I couldn't live another day without my wife beside me.

I had always hoped and prayed for Alena's safety. I couldn't imagine the pain she went through when Sofia attacked; I was terrified if I had lost her. I had only just gotten her in my life, I never wanted her to leave. Tears had slipped down my cheek as I kissed my wedding band and my other hand holding tightly onto the sonogram to my chest.