Mom gifted me a magical notebook for my 7th birthday. It has unlimited pages, very expensive. The literacy rate of the general population in our nation is pretty low unfortunately. Most people would rather train to fight everyday, forgetting to train their mind.
Anyways, I’ve been going on a tangent. The journal keeps me sharp. It calms me down, gets my thoughts in order. I think I've been getting a little too desensitized to the sight of blood. I’m scared. When I escaped, we killed many people. Perhaps not all of them deserved to die. Sometimes I see them in my dreams. But I can’t remember their faces. Would I one day become a faceless corpse like them one day?
I’m scared. I miss her so much…
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I’m getting a little worried for her. Sometimes, I see bits of… Other people? We all carry ghosts. Once you kill someone, you can’t go back. But I think she has it harder than most. The ghosts carry ghosts. Yesterday when I woke up… She was just… There. Staring blankly. A haunted look in her eyes.
Concerned, I told her to speak freely. To share her burdens, as she did mine. She just kept staring blankly ahead. Slowly, she blinked. The light is back in her eyes. She said she is okay. I don’t believe her, but I respect her decision.
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Today, I went to the market. I found a little shop selling stationeries. I bought a yellow pocket notebook for her. I hope that she can express her catharsis through writing, like I do.
We met back together later that evening, compiling supplies. As a gift, I gave her the pocket notebook. She just sort of stared at it.
“I don’t know how to write.”
I can’t believe I didn’t know such a basic thing about her. She always seemed… So mature. I thought she would know how to write. I guess not everyone had the same luxury of books like I did. I asked her if she wanted to learn, but she kind of just shrugged.
“What use is that?” she snapped. This was the first time she snapped at me.
I was a bit taken aback, but then she quickly apologized. She has not been herself lately. I told her that I will always be here, a shoulder for her to lean on. Although she is surrounded by people, she seemed…. So lonely.
Lately, I’ve been craving sweets. We are a bit tight on money though…
PS teach her how to write someday!
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Lately, she has been quiet. Too quiet. She kept spacing out. She only seemed to be alive when killing something, anything. I'd be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid.
Nothing of note happened today.
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I’m selfish.
I ran away.
I’m asking too much of her. I’ve been taking a backseat lately. It feels wrong to sit back firing magic while she does most of the killing. Especially when we occasionally run into the bounty hunters.
Today was one of those days. She cried. After she killed them, she just kept crying and crying. I embraced her, patting her on the back.
“It’s okay, It’s okay,” I said, not even believing my own words. “It was either them or us.”
She stopped crying for a moment and just stared at me.
Then I realized. It’s my fault. I dragged her into this. And she broke down again. She said she is not sure who she is anymore. She told me that it isn’t my fault, it’s her decision.
…
I miss my mom.
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The weather is particularly dreadful today. Heavy rain. We didn’t really do much today. I braided her hair. She’s quite pretty.
I tried to teach her how to write. Calm days like this are a rare treat. For the first time in a long time, she slept soundly.
My father said that it’s important that soldiers show their emotions. When they kill, the ghosts of their victims latch on to them, haunting them.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.
He’s right.
The food is quite terrible today, as usual. I want to eat a steak.
Incoherent scribbling
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The moon is quite pretty today, a clear night. I think I became a little crazy after all that time spent in the forest. I heard that madness is at its peak during the full moon. I swore I heard movement in the bushes, but I’m probably just agitated.
It’s quite spooky. The air is denser here, and it feels like we’ve been walking for hours although not much time has passed. I can’t detect any animals nearby. Then we walked into a clearing. I might actually be going crazy. The other day, I was cleaning myself up in a river. However, no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t get the blood off my hands. I scrubbed and scrubbed until my hands were raw, then I reluctantly gave up.
It’s a tradition in our family to look at the moon when you are missing home. Unfortunately, this time it’s not calming me down at all. I felt anger, bitterness, sadness, and guilt. I want to kill him so badly. Is this what she would have wanted?
Then I felt ashamed. A hot, burning sense of shame. What would she think of me now? What have I become??
Tonight, I had trouble sleeping. We talked for a bit, our lives before meeting each other. Thinking about it, what have I been doing? Reading, yes, but lately the memories have been blurry. I hope we can get this over with and find somewhere to settle down and relax.
When did it all go wrong?
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The mission was a bit tedious, but mostly uneventful. Just a few months of nothing. Of course we killed monsters and trained our magic on the way, but that's an everyday occurrence at this point.
The worst part is the silence. With a third person, we can’t really talk like we normally do. We’re more reserved. Madness is worse when you are alone, left with your own thoughts. All the shadows, every sound, every movement seems like someone out to get you. I’m definitely going a little crazy.
I think she doesn’t mind it though. The silence helps her sort out her thoughts. We mostly just talked about mundane stuff, like the weather huh? I think someone might actually be tailing us but that’s probably just me. After this, I’m never going near a forest again…
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So we reached the tree. Apparently, someone had actually been tailing us. 2 people. He just came out of nowhere, babbled about his necklace, then she pulled out a necklace of her own! Apparently, the original owner is dead, and he is angry. He leaped at her with a kick, which she tried to parry, but it sent her flying. And he was carrying strange weapons. A gun, it was called. Luckily, she called him for help, which helped us make it to the forest. Later, she buried the necklace, and muttered something I couldn’t make out.
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Apparently, it had been poisoned. After a few days, it was cured and we had a huge celebration. Finally some decent food! Apparently, it was a cocktail of all sorts of poisons, made by the “poison master.” I’ve heard of him. He took all sorts of poisons, even bathed in poisons! He became so poisonous that just breathing the air near him will paralyze you. Long story, but the cocktail contained all sorts of poisons. The most concerning part is that the cocktail contained wyvern poison and a type of rare poison made by the beastkins. Things are getting really heated. The humans have been after the medicine too, but now this? Everyone is involved. We were gifted with a special talisman, and of course, the medicine. I hope to meet her soon, I’m getting a little giddy from the thought of seeing her face again.
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The body is missing.
The tomb is missing.
EVERYTHING is missing, even the flowers.
I can’t describe the anger or the thoughts that were going through my mind. We entered the city to prepare to return to the federation. and you know what we saw? She got exhumed and cremated. By him, “out of respect.” I am so killing him. He is so screwed.
Then I cried. I don’t know why. I must be the most unfortunate person in the world.
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Today, I felt a bit better. We are going to reach him soon, but I honestly didn’t really feel like killing anyone. Honestly, they were weaker than I thought. Some guards tried to stop us, but she just severed their limbs, and I encased them in ice. I suspect that he is after the medicine to reattach his arm. Honestly, I kind of got caught up in the moment.
“I’ve come to reclaim my throne.”
Now that I thought about it, that was pretty cringe. But you know what I didn’t expect? He committed patricide. He took everything from me. I killed him. Slowly tore him limb from limb, then I felt an indescribable sense of calmness. I felt at peace. I used the medicine on my father, he is fine now. Like the old me, my other brother gave up. She did say I looked pretty scary with the blood splattered all over the place.
I still miss her so much.
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My father said he is so sorry, and how much he loved me. I didn’t really say anything. The next few days were a drag. To be honest, I felt a bit empty inside. We were acquitted, and she went on her way. To be honest, I miss her company more than I thought I would. Now that I killed him, what am I living for? Reading this, I remembered her words. “Live,” she said. “Live not just for yourself, but for her.” At Least that's how I remembered it.
I was craving a nice steak, but now that feels wrong. The smell of burning flesh lingered in my nostrils. I think I might go vegan… I have no appetite for it.
Sigh, lately they have been sucking up to me a bit too much. Of course some people are still angry, but I don’t feel like dealing with them right now. I just wanted to be left alone. I wish she will visit soon.
I wonder if she is doing well up there…
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The other day, the elves cut us off. Said we are barred from entering the forest. Out of respect for me apparently, they didn’t declare war. A lot of people are very anxious. Without their support, we are practically cut off from the rest of the world.
Lately, there was a sting operation. A lot of people got busted for corruption. One of them in his faction confessed the crime of supplying the poison. Almost everyone in his faction was arrested and offered to the elves. He hoped that they would reopen their borders again. I think they were pleased. They promised to offer restricted access to essential occupations like trade soon. However, anyone that enters should expect to be searched.
I’ve been feeling a deeper connection with the goddess lately. Praying offered me a sense of solace. I asked about how the people upstairs are doing, specifically her. Sometimes I even scare myself, scared of the person I’ve become. I’m craving adventure. I don’t think this life is for me to be honest, not sure how to approach my father about it though. I’m surrounded by people but I can’t openly speak to any of them. When you unmask them, they are greedy, selfish, jealous, and envious. I can’t stand these people. Your friend yesterday will be your downfall tomorrow. There are no friends here, only rivals…
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While it doesn’t show on my face, I feel… Like a monster. Lately I’ve been getting these intrusive thoughts. Like how nice it would feel to gut that person on the spot. Of course I can’t act on these urges, but it scares me. I’m a completely different person than a couple years back. It’s not easy to just go out and hunt monsters like I used to… I hope she writes me a letter soon, I am so bored…
I hope she is doing well…
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Not sure what to write today. I’ve been catching up on reading lately, finding ways to distract myself. He is a bit too overprotective, forcing me to have guards follow me everywhere. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. It’s a bit hard to feel relaxed when you have someone sneaking a peek at you every few seconds.
“I’m not a glass vase, don’t you guys have anything better to do?” I asked.
“Are you guys mute?? Say something, anything??”
I am so frustrated right now. If I break, I would kill them first.
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The next couple of pages are torn