I haven’t ever expected much out of life. But is it so much to hope that this works out for this one time? Is it so much to hope that there is one person who would be willing to pick up my call?

“C’mon, Nat, pick up the phone…”

I keep tapping my foot on the ground.

“Pleasepleaseplease-”

“The person you are calling is not available. Please leave a message after the-”

“FUCK!”

I hang up the phone.

‘Goddamn it.’

I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. Well then. There goes my remaining lifeline out of this predicament. I let the cool balcony breeze leave goosebumps on my skin before I re-enter my apartment. The stench of day-old Chinese and laundry I haven’t been bothered to do. I stumble on something I left on the floor before I realise, I have to actually organise my living room.

‘Or I could do it tomorrow.’

…

I’ll do it tomorrow.

I mean, I’m not that sad that she didn’t pick up. It would pretty awkward since we haven’t talked in forever. I don’t even think she remembers I exist. Plus, I’d have to explain why I was calling her in the first place so…

Yeah. Not happening.

I kick away some trash I left at the foot of my bad and just collapse onto the covers, face first. And then roll onto my back…

And onto the floor.

OW.

Groaning into the air, I don’t even bother trying to get on the bed. Not like I have the energy to. Seriously, I’m already living paycheck to paycheck and then my asshole manager decides to fire me. Why? Because I don’t like talking to people. Yeah. That’s stupid, by the way. I have met two people who genuinely enjoy talking to strangers, and they are both weirdos. I’m talking level 100 extroverts. Not me. I’d rather rot in my apartment than get wasted at parties, thank you very much.

Okay, it might be related to my total inability to actually hold conversations. Y’know. Like a normal person. Which is stupid because I worked cashier at a deli, I shouldn’t be having conversations in the first place. I used to be able to do the whole socialising thing… in high school. Which was 6 years ago now. Man, I’m old.

Man, high school really sucked, huh? You think you know how your entire life is gonna’ pan out and then BAM! Life altering event. Really blindsides you, huh? I wonder how Benny is doing. Or Nat. Or anyone, really.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

When was the last time I talked to one of my friends? Do I even have anyone I can call a friend anymore?

Well, shit.

Now I’m sad.

Whatever, it’s the consequences of my actions anyhow. No point in trying to find someone to blame for it.

BZZT

My phone rings. Is it utilities? I already said that I can’t pay -

One Caller: Natalie Finn.

Hang Up?                                           Accept?

‘What the fuck?’

What the fuck??????

I manage to answer the call in my panic.

“…”

“…”

What did I expect, honestly?

“Hi Nat, it’s been a while -”

“Why are you calling me at 11pm, Finn?”

Wow she is not happy with me, huh?

“Glad that you asked! So uh, I’ve been having some money troubles lately and-”

“Finn.” She says with… anger? I think?

Oh boy. I said something wrong.

“Did you call me for money?”

“Nat, I promise I have a good reason-”

“Finn, it’s the first phone call we’ve had in what, seven years? And-”

“Eight. Eight years-”

“- You call me for money?”

I don’t really have a response to that.

‘I really am a scumbag, huh?’

“…Look Nat. I’ve lost my job, rents due in a week and I’m already living paycheck to paycheck as it is. I promise I’ll pay you back.”

“With what job, Finn? You are already a dropout as is. Who would hire you?”

“Nat, please.”

“No, we are going to talk about this now, Finn. Where have you been these past, what, two years? Three? Last any of us heard from you was when you dropped out of university. And then radio silence. Nothing. You didn’t even tell us you were going to drop out. Let alone the fact the last time I saw you in person was at the senior ball. Not to mention-”

“Well sorry for not having a stable life, Nat. I have my own fucking problems that don’t concern you. Not everyone can graduate university and get a stable job like you can. Who the fuck do I confide in, Nat? I haven’t been able to hold eye contact with a stranger for I don’t know how many years. You think I wanted this? You think I wanted any of this!? I have been ruined by my inability to get over my past and that means my issues don’t concern you.”

The silence is palpable.

I really should shut up sometimes.

“…Finn, I … Do you really think that just because I took Bennet’s side in that argument that I wasn’t your friend anymore?”

More silence.

“I thought you forgot I existed.”

“Finn what the fuck?”

In my defence, it was a reasonable assumption.

“You hadn’t tried engaging a conversation with me, so I thought you didn’t want to be friends anymore. Which was fair enough? I was a real dipshit when I was 16 so-”

“Finn, you were grieving.”

“Doesn’t excuse shit.”

“I just wanted to give you space to mourn, I didn’t-”

“Well, you did. You gave me my space. And I thought you had abandoned me.”

My throat is dry. Why is my throat dry?

“What is it with you and abandon- No. No, I’m not doing this tonight. Call me tomorrow. We are both too tired to be reasonable.”

“…Fine.”

“Sorry. For not talking to you when you needed me, Finn.”

Fuck. How do I end the call now? How do I respond to that?

“I- Yeah. Thanks.”

I hang up the call. And promptly scream into my fucking pillow because I just had to respond like that huh?

‘Really aced that conversation, didn’t we Finn? Really handled that well huh?’

Fuck.

I want to cry.

…

I’m not calling her tomorrow. I think she’d be fine with that.

I check the time.

11:35pm

I should go to bed.

🏠︎