“Didn’t realize I had schizophrenia now.” I said with a flat tone.

“I can confirm that while you probably suffer from other psychological conditions, schizophrenia is not one of them.” The cat-thing projected in the most disturbing way. At the start of every word, its mouth would open and stay that way until it finished with it- not bothering to make tongue or lip motions that should be required to shape the words. Between each word, it would briefly close its mouth, creating a staccato rhythm to its speech. Overall it gave the impression of a macabre two-frame animation. “You are aware of what I am, yes?”

“I’m sorry, let me amend my statement: I didn’t realize I had schizophrenia manifesting illusions of grandeur now.” I replied slowly before adding, “There’s no way someone like me would be chosen as an MG” while grimacing.

After a brief pause where I thought it might have died or something, the thing started talking in its special, oh so disturbing way again- “Why would that be the case?”

“I don’t know… I’m weak, unathletic, fairly average looking, have a body that’s trying to kill itself- but like me is a slacker- am cynical as all hell, and commit petty crimes as a favorite pastime?” I asked with a little more than a hint of incredulity. “Hardly a fit for the type of people you recruit if what I’ve seen is to be believed.”

Another brief pause. “With some time many of those things could be fixed if determined to be an issue by you, and humanity’s concept of ‘crime’ has been historically less applicable to our contractors should the supposed ‘crimes’ be justifiable under the pretense of fulfilling your duties as a contractor. Very few of our contractors start off or develop into models of the human concepts of ‘justice,’ ‘kindness,’ ‘selflessness,’ or ‘beauty.’ We find such things hard to understand in the first place, making them unreliable criteria for selection.”

This time I was quiet for a moment before answering, “That’s nice and all, but I still think I should head down to get a psych eval and some new ‘exciting’ drugs to be overcharged for.”

“Would I be able to persuade you that I am real in some way? It would be detrimental if my potential contractor ignored my existence.”

Not really giving it much thought, I quickly answered, “Ahh, you’re a cat- I guess knock something off my desk?”

Without another word, the thing jumped off the bed and walked over to my desk. It was hard to watch- simply gliding over the ground, having more of a walk cycle than a gait, instantly alternating between having its left legs forwards and right legs forwards at a pace that didn’t match how fast it moved. To top it all off, regardless of what angle I viewed it from, my eyes told me it was a flat image simply shaded to give the illusion of being three dimensional. When it reached the legs of the desk, it made a leap- looking like it was animated at what I’d determined was close to 15fps. It made no noise when landing, taking a look around at what was on the desk before selecting an item.

“I shall be using some of the ULE your body has stored to manifest a partial physical form- do not be worried by a pulling sensation in your chest.” As it said that, one of it’s front paws appeared to pop into three dimensions, and smoothly moved to knock a pen onto the floor.

Like it had warned, while the paw remained proper-looking, it felt like blood was flowing out of a wound in my chest- making me unconsciously move a hand there to check if I actually was wounded. I forgot to worry about the feeling as the soft clattering of a pen hitting the ground reached my ears. In disbelief, I pushed myself out of bed and walked over to where the writing implement was laying, hesitantly picking it up and verifying it was real.

“Do it again.” I demanded, setting the pen back on the desk near it. With another feeling in my chest, the thing popped a paw into reality and pushed the pen off before going back to the wrong-looking state.

“Again” I said to myself, and it complied.

“Again” I whispered, and it complied.

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“Again” I mouthed- begging for reality to make sense for one second- and it complied.

“You are hysterical, I recommend taking a seat before you lose balance.” The soothing voice of the thing reached out- and I complied.

“While this may be hard to understand, you have qualities- apparently unknown or ignored by yourself- that would make you a good contractor, or as you humans like to say: Magical Girl or MG. This reaction is fairly normal, and is a good sign that you were chosen properly. Understand that it is not mandatory for you to make a contract now or ever, but from what we understand of you- you are likely to want to. Please take a few deep breaths to steady yourself and acknowledge this when you are ready.”

It was all a lot to take in. From what I had seen, Magical Girl and Magical Guys- or just MGs- were these entities embodying hope and selflessness like the superheroes from before the subduction event, but actually real. They used the ever enigmatic Unquantized Latent Energy in ways the rest of us couldn’t. Sure, we had quickly figured out how to generate essentially free power from ULE after everyone stopped dying from earthquakes, tsunamis, and the related fallout- but that was nothing compared to the blatantly reality-breaking activities of MGs.

And now this poorly animated cat was telling me I was one of them.

After a few deep breaths, I shakily got out, “Assuming I make a contract with you, what does that entail? What are the terms, what are the benefits, and can they be changed?”

“Perhaps ‘contract’ is too loaded a term for someone with your upbringing. I do not know of the precise legal terminology under which our… relationship would fit. However, I can tell you what the immediate effects of it would be: access to the Tree, a deeper understanding of ULE in order to make use of The Tree’s perks, three of said perks, and my continued existence in this universe.

One of your starting perks would be a natural understanding of a class of weapons you are familiar with. For many this is what they stick with going forwards, but it is just an initial recommendation. The most common ones are bladed weapons, blunt weapons, piercing weapons, and projectile weapons. Again, while those are the most common, there are innumerable niche facets to each that may be selected depending on prior skills as well as more uncommon and completely different varieties of weaponry.

The second type of perk is some form of utility. This might be biased towards combat, social interactions, economic prosperity, artistic pursuits, or one of the many other aspects of your life as a human. It is unknowable which one you will be given beforehand except for the fact no two people have received the same perk in this way. Some MGs decided to build their identity off of this perk, and others disregard it in favor of another.

The last perk is one that every contractor receives and has been referred to as ‘The Basic Mg Suite.’ It can be thought of as the center of The Tree- although The Tree consists of higher dimensional geometry that has been abstracted into the three you can understand, necessitating a center. It has many important benefits consisting of three parts:

The flashiest is access to your Costume- a conjured outfit that provides better protection and ULE efficiency when worn.

Secondly, there are minor psychological enhancements consisting of: faster thought process, faster reaction times, more accurate kinesthesia, and improved memory.

Finally, minor physiological enhancements: increased oxygen efficiency, increased muscle and bone density, improved immune and repair systems, reduced amount of sleep needed, and improved senses.”

“Thank you…” I said hesitantly, still trying to process the situation. After thinking through what the Suite offered, I asked worriedly, “Can parts of the Suite be turned off?”

“That is impossible without refactoring it in its entirety- which itself requires high level magic.” the creature stated firmly.

“Then can I ask how my immune system would be strengthened?” I asked, my growing concern evident in my voice.

“It makes it more efficient at identifying targets, communicating their existence, and producing the necessary… things to deal with it. Our contractors typically have shorter, more intense sicknesses- which pose little threat when combined with the other benefits.”

After trying to figure out what that would mean for me I sighed. “Then I have to decline. My immune system thinks part of my body is wrong or whatever- only really being kept in check with immunosuppressants. If those stop working- and it sounds like they probably will- it’ll be a problem. I am pretty sure I won’t die, but without a solution for that I don’t want to risk a flare up.”

The creature stared at me for a few long moments, staying perfectly still. “That is concerning, given a Breach is starting to form and will manifest in just over ten minutes. I was depending on you forming a contract to improve the survival rates of yourself and others until other contractors could arrive in a few hours.”