Xiang pin wished De gui fei wasn’t such a perfect concubine. Now that Shen huang gui fei had 10th and 11th Prince to raise, she washed her hands off all her duties as an Imperial Noble Concubine, claiming that looking after the two babies left little time for anything else. With De gui fei being the highest rank after Shen huang gui fei, she was left to pick up the slack.
On one hand, De gui fei filling the shoes of the Imperial Noble Concubine, even for a little while, would get His Majesty to notice how much De gui fei deserved the title and how much Shen huang gui fei didn’t. On the other hand, De gui fei being by The Empress’ side stopped her from being by Xiang pin’s side and scaring away His Majesty’s more ambitious first and second-class attendants. Not that there was anything wrong with them, they were just…so young. It made Xiang pin feel like a walking pile of dust. Earlier, Xiang pin had sent Ping’er out to get some good fabric so she could sew some nice spring jackets for Yiqiang. Someone, somewhere, heard about this, and the girls nearly tore the hinges off the door with their baskets of embroidery and other little projects. De gui fei’s stern attitude tended to keep the girls away, but with her gone these days, it was a free-for-all.
It wasn’t so terrible. After all her time here, most of His Majesty’s women either ignored her or hated the sight of her. It was nice to have an easy conversation with other concubines, even if she was old enough to be some of their mothers.
“Eh, jiejie,” a squat first-class attendant whispered, “Did you hear? A maid finally confessed to poisoning The Empress Dowager!”
“How could a maid be so bold?” Her overly-rouged companion asked.
“Apparently, the maid’s sister was expelled after 5th Princess’ death, and the maid had been vengeful ever since,”
The mention of a sister had one girl pipe up about her family, and the incident was quickly forgotten.
Just according to The Empress Dowager’s plan.
No one would ever know that she damn near put 1 foot in the coffin to try and fail to get rid of a concubine she wasn’t too fond of. It had been a touch disappointing that The Empress Dowager didn’t succumb to her own idiocy, but Xiang pin supposed that’s why she was The Empress Dowager. She was just that blessed.
Xiang pin had just resigned herself to being swallowed up by the girlish laughter before her when a eunuch announced himself.
“Your Highness, Dowager Noble Consort Ling would personally like to thank you for your pastries,”
Xiang pin felt her heart stop for a moment, just a moment. In all the mess and machinations, she had forgotten that she had turned Dowager Noble Consort Ling into a very convenient shield without her knowledge.
“Her Highness honors me,” Xiang pin said, putting her sewing to the side. She turned to her young guests, “Eat all the snacks, you like meimei and feel free to leave if you become too bored,”
The walk over to Shoukanggong did horrible things to Xiang pin’s head. She went from twisting herself in knots, thinking Dowager Noble Consort Ling was going to flay her alive for involving her, to convincing herself that Dowager Noble Consort Ling really just wanted to simply thank her. By the time she was led through Shoukanggong’s gates, her heart was near rabbiting out of her chest. Dowager Noble Consort Ling’s placid face made it all the worse.
“This concubine wishes Her Highness Dowager Noble Consort Ling peace,” said Xiang pin her voice clear, steady and hopefully, a little dopey.
“Rise,” said Dowager Noble Consort Ling, “Sit, sit,”
Xiang pin stood and gratefully let Molan untie the heavy cape on her shoulders. It felt like Dowager Noble Consort Ling had turned this warming room into one big brazier. Probably thanks to all the silver, gold, and porcelain braziers scattered around the room. Even with all that, Dowager Noble Consort Ling’s legs were covered by fur pelt, and she was wearing a white fur jacket buttoned up so not even a sliver of her neck was exposed.
Dowager Noble Consort Ling propped her head on her hand and smiled, “You’ve got some talent,”
Xiang pin bowed her head, covering up a too-big grin with her hand, “Her Highness is too kind! The recipe isn’t hard to make at all! It’s a very fun one, too! I wish I could’ve used some molds with more fun shapes, but the Imperial Kitchen looked at me like I was a madwoman when I asked for some! All they had were flowers–”
“Be quiet,”
A simpler woman might’ve missed the threat in Dowager Noble Consort Ling’s comment. But Xiang pin wasn’t a simple woman. She recognized the sharp blade buried in the cotton of Dowager Noble Consort Ling's words. So, she did as she was told and shut up.
“Betting is such a nasty thing but I would wager a good sum of money that you’re the reason His Majesty dragged me back to the Forbidden City,”
“Your Highness,” Xiang pin replied, desperate to regain her footing in the conversation, “How could that be? I didn’t have the privilege of knowing of you until you were set to arrive. You must know that that sort of thing would never be left to someone like me!”
Dowager Noble Consort Ling leaned back as a long-haired black cat jumped into her lap.
“Hmm. You’re just a pretty little thing with nothing rattling about in that big head of yours, aren’t you?” she said, “Your running into me was just plum good luck and nothing more,”
Xiang pin was flustered. Was it even worth keeping up the act?
“I was having a perfectly fine time at the summer palace,” Dowager Noble Consort Ling continued, “But if my presence is such a thorn in The Empress Dowager’s side, then I suppose I’ll suffer here. But please my dear, remember this. Your luck with me has run out. At my old age, I feel no need to be your backer or accomplice. Your battles will be yours alone,”
“But, you–Your Highness, don’t you hate The Empress Dowager?” Xiang pin asked, letting the burning question free.
“Hate her? Hah! Nothing would make me happier if that old broad dropped dead tonight. But you don't get to my age by sticking your neck out for every person who walks the same road as you,”
The little cat in her lap let out a warbly yowl as Dowager Noble Consort Ling scratched underneath its chin, “Who are you to me, huh? Based on your fun with me, I know you’re not remedial, but what else? I’m no sage. I can’t tell what lurks in your heart with just a look. For all I know, this all ends with you slitting His Majesty’s throat,”
Xiang pin surged out of her chair to deny the accusation, “I would never!” She spat.
At Dowager Noble Consort Ling’s wide eyes, Xiang pin reined herself in and sat down, “Your Highness. His Majesty and I love each other very much. He would never do anything to hurt me, and I would never hurt him,”
The look in Dowager Noble Consort Ling's eyes transformed into something familiar but confusing.
Pity.
The old woman took a deep breath, the expensive fur and precious beads around her neck seeming to weigh on her like an anchor.
“Lucky you,” said Dowager Noble Consort Ling, "I’ve tuckered myself out talking like this. See yourself out,”
Unauthorized use: this story is on Amazon without permission from the author. Report any sightings.
✺
For a man who had been to battles and back, it took Prince Han an embarrassingly long time to realize something was wrong. The thrill of being alone with Jiayi this way, the idea that whatever was between them could grow into something more, had pressed a palm over his eyes. However, as more days passed, the hand loosened and fell away, allowing him to finally see the truth.
Jiayi was terrified of him.
With his eyes wide open, he could see the fragile blossoms of affection that had once danced between him and Jiayi wither away to nothingness. Their hands no longer brushed and their gazes rarely met. Her smiles were small and brittle. A great maw of guilt churned in his stomach. As a prince, he had unwittingly ensnared Jiayi in a web of obligation and expectation. Though he had vowed to protect her, he had, in truth, confined her to a situation from which she could not easily escape. In Jiayi’s eyes, was he any different than the men who took women as spoils of war? Did she lie awake at night in fear of him? Did she make sure their hands no longer touched so he couldn’t claim she gave consent?
Each thought was like a knife to the chest. Foolishly still, Prince Han held on to the thought he could fix whatever it was between them. It wasn’t until he startled Jiayi so severely that she scalded herself and flinched away from his help that Prince Han realized it was all for naught. It was then Prince Han made up his mind.
He would leave.
Jiayi was smart and resourceful. Staying at the inn alone would be no trouble for her. Prince Han wanted to be a coward. He wanted to pack his things in the dead of night and find a way to his villa to lick his wounds in peace. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Even if he tried, he knew he would return to Jiayi as the tide returned to the sea, begging her to soothe his selfish heart.
On the day of his departure, Prince Han spent his morning in the streets, watching the city wake up with the sun. He could feel Chang Lingxiu and Sang’er’s worried stares as he tried his best to delay his goodbyes with Jiayi. When it became too cold for him to stomach, he slunk back to the inn. When his ever-present shadows tried to follow him back upstairs, he shook his head. He walked up the stairs and stood outside their–
No.
–Jiayi’s door for what felt like an eternity before he built the courage to step inside.
✺
The painting had been dry for some time but Jiayi hadn’t set it aside. She stared down at Prince Han’s inky visage both amazed and ashamed at how well she could draw him. She knew that if she stopped, eventually, her hands would forget the curve of his cheek or the shadow of his nose, but Jiayi was selfish enough to refuse to let it happen. When the door creaked open, she assumed Sang’er was dropping off a treat that he’d bought while out with Prince Han. Instead, it was Prince Han himself. Flustered, Jiayi rushed to cover the painting before greeting him.
“Rise,” he said.
It was the first time they had seen each other today. Despite it only being early afternoon, Prince Han looked exhausted and worn.
“You look tired, my lord. I’ll brew some tea,”
Jiayi stood and held out her hands for Prince Han’s cape.
He shook his head, “I won’t be staying long,”
Prince Han dropped a hefty bag of silver on the table, “Here. It should be enough for the rest of your stay,”
“You’re very kind my lord,” said Jiayi as she picked it up, “But I have enough money. Xiang pin sent some with me,”
Jiayi made to give the money back but Prince Han stepped away, “Keep it. You never know what might happen,”
What did that mean?
Jiayi clutched the coins to her chest—the silence stretched on, tense and uncomfortable.
“They’ve repaired the bridge,” Prince Han said, “I’ve left some money with the owner and told him it’s his responsibility to find a horse and carriage for you when the time comes. If anything seems amiss, send word to the villa. Chang Lingxiu will return as fast as possible,”
The more Prince Han talked, the more Jiayi wished she couldn’t hear. He was leaving.
Prince Han was leaving her.
Their time together flashed in front of her eyes. What had she done to offend Prince Han? Things had been okay just yesterday but now he was speaking to her like a stranger.
Like she was nothing.
Did he know?
But how?
She smiled smaller, stepped back farther, and refused to catch his eye.
“You’re leaving,” Jiayi said in a voice so open and wanting that she wished she could sink beneath the floorboards.
Prince Han nodded.
“When?”
“As soon as Sang’er can finish packing,”
At the news, Jiayi’s stupid fingers grew limp, and the bag hit the ground with a clang, spilling silver pieces and copper coins about the floor.
“Sorry, sorry,” she mumbles, dropping to sweep up the expensive debris.
She snatched up the money as quickly as possible, hoping they could finish the conversation before she burst into tears. Jiayi was holding it together as best as she could but she only had so long before the dam burst. Prince Han, for some miserable, noble, beautiful reason, kneeled and tried to help. When their fingers brushed, Jiayi jerked her fingers back the lump in her throat swelling. She got ahold of herself and picked up the money, keeping her eyes glued to the floor.
“I’ll help pack you things,” she said as she stood back up, “Do–”
Jiayi paused. Prince Han was still on the ground with his head bowed. The sight of it made her dizzy and unmoored. What was a person like her doing above him?
“Are you alright, my lord?”
Prince Han lifted his head, a strange look in his eyes. He dragged the cap off his head and tossed his cape to the side. Then, he bowed.
“Don’t,” said Jiayi, panic welling in her chest, “Me? Why are you doing this to yourself?”
Jiayi gripped his shoulders and tried to wrench Prince Han upright, but he pushed her away.
“This is where I belong,” he said softly, “For what I've done to you,”
Did Jiayi look so pitiful after Prince Han told her she was leaving that she drove him to do something like this?
Jiayi pasted a smile on her face, “My lord, I was stupid–”
“Be quiet,” Prince Han ordered so fiercely that her lips snapped shut, “You don’t need to debase yourself to make me feel better for what I’ve done to you,”
Jiayi froze as Prince Han continued.
“My arrogance has ruined you. I thought…I was muddled. In my delusion, I’ve caged you here like some beast. You’re suffering here because of me so it’s only right that I leave and free you from this,”
“I’ve not–you haven’t made me suffer,” Jiayi replied.
“You hate me,” Prince Han hissed, “Anyone in your shoes would. I took advantage of our…of us and saw things that weren’t there. Why would should I inflict myself on you any longer?”
“I know you can't stand to be around me for any longer than you have to, but please accept my bow and my apologies. When we both return to the Forbidden City, you have my word you will be free of me,”
“I don’t want that!” Jiayi protested, “I don’t hate you!”
“You don’t have to hide it anymore,” Prince Han said, staring at the ground, “You pull away from me, and you won’t even look at me. When we get back, I won’t say a word to anyone. We can pretend it never happened,”
At that moment, Jiayi did hate Prince Han. She had planned to go through life content with their friendship as master and slave. She would live her life with the comfort that even if she wanted him, Prince Han was never hers to have. But now?
Prince Han had set that plan aflame. Now Jiayi knew. She knew there was a chance. For something.
For them.
Wasn’t this too unfair? Why would fate poison the touch of man in her eyes forever and then drop the perfect one in her lap? Why couldn’t Prince Han be as horrible as The Emperor? Why did Prince Han have to make her feel like this?
A wretched sniffle dragged her away from her thoughts. Jiayi slapped a hand to her face. She was crying like some sort of idiot. Jiayi tried to rein it in, but once she started, she devolved into horrible, chest-heaving, impossible sobs. Embarrassed, she buried her face in her hands.
“I don’t hate you,” she whimpered out, “I don’t. I like you. I like you so much and it’s not fair because I can’t like you! Why couldn’t you treat me like everyone else? Why did you have to look at me the way you do? Now everything’s ruined!”
“Why can’t you like me?” Prince Han asked.
Jiayi shook her head. Hadn’t she shamed herself enough?
Gentle but firm hands gripped her wrists and pulled them away from her face. Prince Han stared up at her.
“Jiayi,” he said, “Why can’t you like me?”
Goodness. There were so many reasons.
“I’m broken. I’m–it’s…I can’t be with you the way a woman can be with a man. There was someone before, and–he–I’m afraid now. Of everything,” Jiayi could barely finish the confession before dissolving into tears again.
She tried to hide her face again, but Prince Han held tight.
“Of me?”
Jiayi nodded, “I don’t want to be. You’ve been so good to me, but it’s all mixed up in my head. I'm sorry,”
Prince Han would let go now. He would realize that Jiayi wasn’t worth the trouble. He would speak to her softly and politely and perhaps thank her for telling the truth. Then he would call Sang’er, pack his things, and leave. Life would go on and Jiayi would have to go with it whether she liked it or not.
Prince Han didn’t let go.
“I can wait,” he said.
“What?”
Jiayi blinked through her tears, trying to process Prince Han's words. Did she hear him correctly?
"I can wait," Prince Han repeated, his voice steady and sure. "I understand if you need time. If you need space. If you need to figure things out. But Jiayi, I won't leave you alone in this. I won't force you to feel anything you're not ready for. But I'll be here. Waiting. For as long as it takes."
Jiayi stared at him, her heart pounding in her chest. She wanted to nod and start anew with him but couldn’t help but voice her fears.
“What if I’m never ready? What if you wait and wait and it’s all for nothing?”
“You will never be nothing to me Jiayi. However long I choose to be by your side will never be a waste,"
The sincerity leaching through words made her head spin. Jiayi felt like she was going to burst into flames.
“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.
"You don't have to say anything right now. Just know that I'll be here, whenever you're ready. And until then, I'll do everything in my power to make things right, to earn your trust, and to show you that you're not alone."
With those words, Prince Han pressed the softest of kisses to her shaking hand.
“Will you hold me?” Jiayi shamelessly begged.
Prince Han surged to his feet and wrapped his arms around her.
“Always,"