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A Dragon Idol's Reincarnation Tale
Chapter 233: A Meeting with the Cardinal.

Chapter 233: A Meeting with the Cardinal.

“I didn’t think you would arrive here with Lady Eshe, High Bishop Theodore.” Confused at the people who exited the carriage, I couldn’t help but wonder why Theodore brought her along. “Lady Eshe, you didn’t have to come. This invitation was on such short notice that I can understand if you were preoccupied.”

It was the day after I received the letter from the church. It actually arrived three days ago, while I was outside Griffonpeak testing out the fast travel function. Technically, I could have received it whenever I returned to Helvas mansion each night, but I didn’t want to deal with all those letters really, so I put off looking at any of my mail.

Speaking of testing, I tried teleporting from Cedraille to Griffonpeak. It worked, thankfully, although there was a slight catch — if you weren’t me, you had to pay a large amount of mana. In any case, while I was there, I tried to meet up with Cernust, as I’d heard from Severa that he was working in Cedaraille, but, sadly, I couldn’t find which inn he was staying with. I probably could have asked Duke Greenveil when I had returned to Griffonpeak through the portal, now that I thought about it.

Back to the topic, the invitation was set for the 21st of SpringBloom, which was today. Makes sense, since it’s a cardinal meeting up with one of the blessed of Aurena, so the meeting had to be on a LightDay. The religious symbolism was obvious.

Since the cardinal only invited me, not mentioning anybody else, I had to leave everybody else behind for today. As such, I asked Theodore at the very least to help me out. Give me some tips. As a high bishop, he should have the authority to chaperone me.

I just didn’t expect him to bring Eshe with us.

Eshe gave a small curtsy with her dress, flanked by her two knights. “Lady Hestia, as one of two who were responsible for your theology lessons, it is only right for me to come with you. Besides, since the introduction of saints and champions, they have always been partners. You did me a favor, so how could I not reciprocate that gesture?”

“Heh, I don’t think you owe me for that. I did it for myself, hiehie.” Accepting the situation, I boarded the carriage with Theodore and Eshe. Once again, carriages weren’t good for my butt or tail, regardless of their quality.

Eshe was referring to the rescue of the orphan kids, of course. She did thank me profusely for it, but, even if she hadn’t asked me to help, I still would have delved into Shaturein to find them anyway.

Once we were inside, I learned from Eshe that the kids were doing well, but the two younger ones were now extremely paranoid around strangers. They even refused to go grocery shopping as a result. It made me regret deciding to give them some time to cool down after what happened instead of visiting them immediately.

Leaving Hamil alive poses a future problem. He might be hunted by both Shaturein and the Lycerepth right now, but who knows when he’ll strike? There is also that demonkin and Eithalr. Making sure the fast travel worked well in an emergency was my priority so I can keep everybody safe within the subspace, but still…

I shook those thoughts out for now. I had to get myself in the mindset of one of Aurena’s blessed right now.

“Remember, Lady Hestia, Cardinal Bennard Bonovier Gillsna is what you would expect from an influential noble in a priest’s clothes. He isn’t the most reasonable person, and he will always set his mind on supporting his house’s ambitions. Don’t let his words trick you,” Theodore warned me.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I nodded. “When I had my concert, I met the cardinal by accident. Back then, I refused to speak with him at first, asking him to wait until I finished cleaning myself up first. but he left before I returned. Can he be petty?”

“Very much.” Theodore’s reply was blunt. “Not only does he wield power as the cardinal appointed by Aureolis, but his family has also recently been favored by Lord Grand Duke Olivus. As you should know, House Olivus is responsible for religious matters in Artorias. With all these perks, men weak of will and mind quickly become pompous, unaware they have become puppets.”

“Wait, Duke Olivus is controlling the cardinal’s actions?”

Theodore shook his head. “His family. Count Gillsna, the cardinal’s older brother. Cardinal Bennard is a content man. His ambition died out when he became the cardinal. He is quite talented as a mage and rose quickly from his hard work, even though, ironically, it was driven by his laziness.”

What Theodore wanted to explain was that the cardinal is the sorta person who would work hard until he made it big and secured his retirement funds. He wasn’t necessarily greedy, so he wasn’t squeezing the church of everything they had, but he wasn’t willing to improve it either. As long as he was happy, he wouldn’t lift a finger.

So, why did he send spies to follow me? The answer was his family. They wanted the cardinal to get close to me to benefit his family, to improve their image in front of Duke Olivus. Even approaching me after the concert made sense now.

Strangely, the situation of House Helvas and House Gillsna mirrored each other. Both patriarchs had held the rank of Count, and both sent their relatives to me to help them improve their reputations in the hopes to garner favor with their respective dukes to rank up. In Arcanuess Helvas’s case, he sent Ellaine, while Count Gilsna sent an impatient man—

— who wasn’t even my fan in the first place, but I thought he was, so I felt bad, only to learn later on that I didn’t just lose two fans, those two poor men died ‘cause of some vile slave traffickers.

In any case, it meant that the cardinal couldn’t be trusted easily. Eshe instantly disliked him when they met, reminding her too much of the priests who denounced her. “A noble in priest’s clothing,” Theodore had stated. I wondered if the cardinal’s appointment was due to the corruption in Aureolis from the Prince of Envy, or if it was just something already established.

Eventually, we left the noble district and reached the cathedral. Going through the noble exclusive entry, we were greeted by a row of white robes on arrival, led by an overweight priest.

“““Blessings to our iridescent guests on this auspicious LightDay. May you be blessed with its brilliant light, illuminating your path forward. On these sanctified grounds of the Goddess, you bless us with your presence, Saintess Hestia. Saintess Eshe.””” The priests collectively welcomed us.

Saintess? I’m not a saintess. Either call me a champion or an idol, or nothing at all.

I was sure people should have already gotten the memo that I called myself an idol of Aurena from the ball. The fact they called me saintess was most likely ‘cause they had no understanding of what the addition of an idol amongst the blessed meant. I was the first to call myself as such, after all.

Smile and accept for now. Uprooting over 2500 years of tradition with a change like this won’t happen overnight.

Eshe and I stepped forward, curtsying in response. ““We blessed greet the clergy of the cathedral of Griffonpeak, led by Cardinal Bennard Bonovier Gillsna. May the light granted to us by the Goddess bless you, illuminating the path forward. On these sanctified grounds of the Goddess, allow us all to pray together to her honor.””

As the two of us held our hands in a prayer pose, Eshe conjured up a white magic circle in the sky, prompting the other clergymen to begin their prayers.

“““The Goddess watches over us ♫

In her name, we pray, we sing, we love ♫

For her merciful light, protects us all ♫

Purify the ground, wherever her feathers touches ♫”””

The priests sang in a chorus, pouring their mana into the [Prayer] spell floating above us.

This was how a God’s blessed was officially welcomed to a religious building, at least, for the churches of Aurena. As the blessed, our role was to cast a [Prayer] since it was considered a direct blessing from the Goddess and we were her mortal representatives.

The eldest blessed was to lead the prayer — Eshe in this case — while the rest aided in creating a powerful blessing. The priests helped in the endeavor, of course, but the majority of the accumulated mana had to come from us blessed, since we were the ones blessing the clergy. The stronger the blessing, the more respect we would earn.

That was easy enough for me to do.

““Oh Goddess of Light, Aurena. I bid you, hear our prayers of gratitude and ardent worship so it may empower you evermore in your duties of overseeing us. I beg of you to hear us and grant upon us your blessing of light, Prayer!””

[Blessing of the Goddess of Light (Major)] inflicted on [Young Sunfang Dragon, Hestia Atsuko Kargryxmor]

“Oooh, a grand blessing from the Goddess’s blessed! What an honor!”

“Magnificent, it is even stronger than when Saintess Eshe did it alone! Truly, Artorias is privileged to have the honor of welcoming two saintesses!”

I felt a bit bad that my official welcome was overshadowing Eshe’s, especially since I had done what Theodore and Eshe wanted and made sure the buff was “Major.” When Eshe noticed it, she told me it didn’t matter to her what her reputation was amongst the clergy, and that it would be better if my standing was as high as it could be before I talked to the cardinal.

Eshe really is a saintess!

After that was an obligatory “priests of noble birth” moment where I greeted everybody as if it were a banquet or ball. They each greeted Eshe and me with their house names and also mentioned how we supposedly met them at the royal ball three weeks ago. Most of them, I would probably forget.

They also asked me why Theodore was following us around like a dog, to which we answered that he was our advisor. We told them that Eshe only joined us mid-way through, when I had already agreed to make Theodore my advisor for Griffonpeak. I was a foreigner, after all. Of course, the noble white-robes disliked this, since in their eyes, Theodore was gaining my favor instead of theirs, but I couldn’t care less.

After a few more introductions, we finally made it to the cardinal himself.

“A beautiful LightDay to you two, Saintess Eshe and Saintess Hestia. This humble cardinal, Bennard Bonovier Gillsna welcomes you to our cathedral with open arms,” the chubby man introduced himself.

Having taken a closer look, he really was the drunk man I met at the concert. I was now 100% sure he was the guy who couldn’t wait for a minute or two.

“Saintess Eshe, I didn’t expect you to accompany the Goddess’s most recent blessed. I see you have already taken a liking to your junior. Ha, this is most glorious for our Goddess that her representatives are working well together!”

“Thank you for your praises, Cardinal Bennard,” Eshe replied. “I apologize for not mentioning this earlier, but it would be most gracious if you could allow me to accompany Lady Hestia to the meeting. She is still inexperienced, after all.”

“Of course, of course! The more the merrier, hahaha!” After merrily laughing at having Eshe, he began glaring at Theodore. “High Bishop Theodore, I have heard you were acquainted with our beautiful saintesses, but today’s discussion is not for your ears. Still, I thank you for chauffeuring them, hahahaha!”

The cardinal was blunt with his entry denial, but Theodore didn’t back down that easily. “While I agree with your statement, Cardinal, it is without a doubt that both Saintess Eshe and Saintess Hestia are still inexperienced with Artorias, correct? They have been with us for only a few months. As such, they require someone to advise them on matters.”

“I am enough, High Bishop. You are not needed.”

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“For the sake of the discussion, I implore you to allow me. This will expedite the talks when I can give both saintesses an accurate explanation of our church’s actions in our kingdom.”

“You speak the truth, but for today, you are not needed, High Bishop. You may be respectable and a valuable member of the church, but I am still the cardinal! Any more arguments and I will take this as insubordination against Aureolis and an insult to the position ordained to me by the Goddess!”

“… My apologies for my presumptuousness, Cardinal Bennard. I shall take my leave.”

Verdammt! There goes one ally. Could I argue back?

As I was about to speak up about it, Theodore bowed and announced his leave after wishing us good luck. I was disappointed that he gave up so fast, but I guess I should put myself in his situation. If he angers the cardinal, he’ll just have a harder time later on.

Guided by the cardinal, Eshe, her knights, and I walked through the hallways of the cathedral. While he was flattering and buttering up to us, I remembered I could have argued that Theodore was like a guard for me, since people were thinking of me as a saintess. Too late now, though.

“Saintess Hestia, you have been in Griffonpeak for a while now, so when I heard you haven’t visited me, I thought I should meet you at your musical performance. A brilliant show, I must say, worthy to honor the Goddess through your artistic talent, huah huah ha,” the cardinal said, interrupting my thoughts. “Mhmm, it was quite a shame that I couldn’t talk with you back then. I apologize for coming at short notice.”

“No, the fault lies with me, Cardinal Bennard.” I had the right to clean myself up before meeting my fans, but it was better to play nice for now. “However, since my concert was tiring, I did not want to present myself dirty to people, especially to other nobles, you see. My attendants cleanedy me up as soon as possible, but I must admit I shouldn’t have left you standing like that. I apologize, Cardinal Bennard.”

“Hahaha, no, no, my lady, it is alright. A lady must allow herself to look impeccable, so only my impatience was to blame. Now, come, come. We should hurry up, otherwise, I will upset my other guests.”

Guests?

Eventually, we ended up at the cardinal’s office. As he opened it, the fact the room was garishly decorated with little to no style or reason really stood out to me. However, this wasn’t the only thing that caught my attention; in fact, it was the three men sitting on the couches right at this moment.

“Lady Hestia?! Cardinal Bennard, you invited His Majesty’s honored guest?!” One of the guests was a lanky man in a white and gold suit — one which was suspiciously similar to a white-robed’s priest garment.

“… Not just our reputable dragonewt lady, but also Saintess Eshe of Sarkafiina.” The other was a grey-haired man with glasses, adjusting his tie as he glared at the cardinal. He then turned his head towards the last man in the room, a familiar face. “You seem quite unperturbed at our sudden guests, Charleslyt. Has my son hidden something from me before we came here?”

“No, of course not, father. I was simply so captivated looking at these enchanting ladies that I simply forgot to react much. As a man, you must agree they are breathtaking, no?”

Charleslyt? Father? So does that mean this person must be— and the other person must be—!

“Haha,” the cardinal laughed, clapping his hands to stop the fighting between Charleslyt and his father. “Arguing the moment our last guest arrives is unbefitting of a Grand Duke. Is that not correct, Lord Grand Duke Equevanna? Please, let us make introductions first, hahaha.”

“Mhmm, I agree with the cardinal, Grand Duke Equevanna. As pious followers of the Goddess, it is within our duty to properly greet her blessed.” The man in the white-gold suit walked up to us, bowing courteously. “I have heard much about you from His Majesty, Lady Hestia, however we sadly did not get a chance to speak at the ball. I am the Grand Duke of Religious Affairs, Joseph Liam Olivus. Our meeting today must be Her Holiness’s will, no? It is an honor.”

“I must agree with Grand Duke Olivus, this is a most wonderful coincidence,” the grey-haired man replied before making his introduction. “Grand Duke of Economic Affairs, Mazarin Colbert Equevanna. It is a pleasure, Lady Hestia. This is my second son, Charleslyt. I have not told him much about you, but I had also not planned to introduce you to him. You see, he has the reputation of a womanizer, so I did not wish to sully your impression of our kingdom with such a skirt chaser.”

‘I had not told him much about you.’ A hidden meaning? Then he’s probably telling me that he had not told Charleslyt that I’m a dragon.

All the dukes learned about my identity from King Drangleic, and while they were allowed to share this information with their heirs, they were supposed to keep this information hidden from everyone else for now.

“Haha, father, speaking ill about me when we’re here? Sometimes that is too much, no?” The paladin-like Charleslyt then walked up to me, gesturing to me to offer my hand for a kiss, similar to our first meeting at the hunter’s guild. However, unlike last time, this was a formal meeting. “Mchu~ The scales on your hand are tough and strong, Lady Hestia, but I could feel a soothing warmth when you gave me the honor. Beautiful and fair, you are, my lady.”

Uargh! Keep it together, Hestia! Don’t cringe! Don’t cringe!

“I-It is a great honor to meet the three of you great lords. As you already know, my name is Hestia Atsuko. It is a pleasure to meet the three of you and may the Goddess bless our meeting today.”

After they also introduced themselves to Eshe, we finally sat down and it seemed the cardinal was ready to skip the small talk entirely, a good choice since Dukes Equevanna and Olivus both seemed uninterested in anything else but why I was here.

I also wanted to know why the cardinal had not mentioned inviting two dukes and Charleslyt. Meeting them here reminded me of how King Drangleic had mentioned how the Equevanna and Olivus duchy were the least affected by demonkin interference, for some reason. Was this all a coincidence?

What was the cardinal planning?

“I can see that everybody is anticipating what I have to say. Be at ease, my lords. I have brought Saintesses Eshe and Hestia here for a good reason.” The cardinal tried to calm the suspicious dukes, only to confuse them even more when he called me a saintess. They knew I was actually a champion.

“Lord Grand Duke Mazarin, as we had discussed prior to the saintesses’ arrival, I had mentioned how your son, Charleslyt, was slowly gaining fame for himself as an adventurer while also increasing his reputation among the clergy and nobility,” the cardinal started. “It’s to the point that people have begun calling him a champion candidate. A great honor, as you must know.”

“But he isn’t, Cardinal. I might have asked you to bless my son’s armor with holy enchantments and water, but that doesn’t exactly make him a candidate. Nobles throughout history have sought their Gods’ blessings before wars and travels for their safety,” Duke Equevanna replied. “I am simply a father who is worried about his son’s constant adventures.”

“And it is quite honorable, yes, but wouldn’t it be even better if your son formally took the Rite of the Blessed?”

Rite of the Blessed?

Duke Olivus spoke, “Cardinal, are you suggesting to formally induct Lord Charleslyt as a champion candidate? You must be aware that this is something we cannot decide on our own. Even if you are a cardinal, you do not have the authority to sanction this, Cardinal.”

“I agree, I would require the permission of the pope. Even if I were to tell him of all the feats Lord Charleslyt has done for Artorias, he has only recently been promoted to B rank. He also does not have as many qualifications since he hadn’t done work outside of Artorias and Estralia. He is still young, after all.”

“If you knew this, then why did you invite us here with the Saintess Es—” Suddenly, Duke Equevanna paused midway in his sentence, and turned his head towards Eshe, looking at her as if he was just enlightened about something. “… I see, so that is why you summoned Saintess Eshe today.”

The cardinal laughed, all while I was still confused about everything. “Hahaha, I see Lord Grand Duke Equevanna has already figured it out. Yes, we shall have a saintess perform the Rite of the Blessed. However, while we are fortunate to have Saintess Eshe here, I had actually summoned Saintess Hestia today.”

“Me?” I had absolutely no clue what everybody was talking about.

When she realized this, Eshe began explaining everything to me. “A saint and a champion have always been companions. While the saint preaches and spreads the ideals of their god to the people, the champion has the duty to protect the saint while performing their divine Quests. As such, in their time of need, a saint is allowed to grant someone their share of their god’s blessing, turning them into a champion candidate.”

Now I understood why I was invited today. I knew I should have listened to that bad feeling I had and declined the cardinal’s invitation.

“Usually, the blessing is done by the pope, the strongest and wisest priest of our church. A rite performed as such is pure, as the pope calls upon the Goddess to grant that person a new blessing, either making them a saint or champion candidate. It is similar to what the two saint candidates who just arrived in our world last year underwent.”

Eshe was speaking about Saori’s students, as two of them became saint candidates for some reason, despite Aurena having nothing to do with it.

“That is correct. Speaking about candidates, Cardinal, did you get this idea when Lady Asaka visited Griffonpeak?” Duke Olivus stated, mentioning one of Saori’s students.

“Why, yes, of course. Saint candidate Asaka did give me that idea, but when I heard that another blessed besides Saintess Eshe had arrived in Griffonpeak, and that she was a saintess who was new to the human world, I knew I had to do my part as the Goddess’s servant!” the cardinal voiced it in a way to sound like he had no ulterior motives. “Saintess Hestia, I ask of you to allow Lord Charleslyt to join your entourage and to make him a champion candidate. Allow him to foster his strength by protecting you to gain the Goddess’s favor for his advancement, my lady!”

… Is this guy for real?

Silence. That was my answer.

I was completely baffled at this point. Not only did I learn that saints could turn people into champion candidates, whatever that even meant, but I also learned how a misunderstanding could lead to something like this. I was a champion, so how am I supposed to do this?

I asked Aurena for some tips on how to handle this, but I received no answer from her. She had mentioned that she was busy the last time I spoke with her, but what exactly was she busy with? I guess planet management or something like that. I shouldn’t expect an Origin Goddess to have too much free time.

Correctly interpreting my silence as being unable to answer, it seemed that both dukes had guessed what was going on in my mind.

“I decline this suggestion, Cardinal,” Duke Equevanna plainly stated.

“Father?” Charleslyt eyebrows curled, frowning in disbelief at what he just heard. “Why would you say that? Isn’t this a perfect chance for us to improve our house’s reputation even more? I mean, with how much House Greenveil has been overshadowing us recently, you will lose your position as the Grand Duke of Economic Affairs at the next selection event. As your son, allow me to help.”

“Help? Charleslyt, I have not raised you to be an imbecile. Whether you become a champion or champion candidate, it would make no difference to our house’s rank. The title is for ‘Economic Affairs’ not ‘Religious Affairs.’ If you had been Lord Olivus’s son, yes, then you becoming a blessed would be beneficial for our house’s standing, but you’re not. You are an Equevanna.”

“As you said, Lord Equevanna. Cardinal, while it would benefit our faith to make more champion candidates, it would be better if we were to allow the pope to bless Lord Charleslyt,” Duke Olivus reprimanded the cardinal. “If Lady Hestia were to bless him and he accepted it, it would mean under the law of our church that he must remain at Lady Hestia’s side until he becomes a champion. If she were to return to Loatryx, he would be forced to follow her or face excommunication.”

Whether it was ordered by King Drangleic or not, it seemed the dukes were taking my side on this. I appreciated that. I would have declined, anyways, but doing it like this, I didn’t have to be the one to talk.

“But Lord Dukes!” Charleslyt began to argue back against their decision. “Isn’t this a grand chance for our Artorias to gain a champion candidate? Besides, while Saint Candidate Asaka has the heroes and Saintess Eshe has two mighty Knights of Aurena, Saintess Hestia has neither heroes nor knights with her. Father, allow me this honor to defend her. It would only benefit our house.”

“Pah! You overestimate yourself if you think you are worthy to defend a maiden like her, boy. Honor? Benefit our house? All you will do is embarrass yourself,” Duke Equevanna rebuked his son harshly. Even I felt he might need a burn heal after that scolding.

“What?! No, Father, you are underestimating what I have been able to accomplish from my training! I was able to build up a capable party on my own, I was able to reach the strength of a B rank hunter on my own, and I gained all this armor with my own sweat and blood!”

Is that why I haven’t met him once without his armor? Was he wearing one at the ball, too? I can’t remember.

“Acknowledge my efforts, Father. It would be for the better. Winning the race until the next Grand Duke selection only with your pride will not work, especially when House Greenveil not only has access to the yeast recipe but also has one of their vassals serving Saintess Hestia!” Charleslyt exclaimed. “That pitiful girl, Ellaine Helvas or something, is not worth anything according to the academy’s students. I can have her kicked out once I become a candidate!”

Huh?! Why is he bringing Ellaine into the discussion like this?! Bastard!

“Are you too old to understand how to adapt to this new situation? Have you grown lazy from winning all this time? Huh, Father?! Or senile? Or is this another one of your tricks to block me, just like when you unfairly gave that useless brother of mine the heir position!”

“You brat… Pah! Not only did you set up an ambush like this but you also dare to insult me to my face? Know your place, boy!”

The temperature of this room instantly plumbetted a few numbers, a chill spreading from this awful atmosphere. It felt as if this deal the cardinal had planned was just an excuse for a father and a son to quarrel.

“Don’t believe I do not know what you are planning with Greenveil’s youngest daughter. What are you intending to do after you ask for her hand, huh? After you become a champion candidate? I may dislike Greenveil, but our kingdom cannot afford an internal dispute. Have you any idea what he will do when he learns you plan to leave his daughter after marrying her?! You imbecile, this is why you are not worthy of becoming a duke!”

Greenveil’s daughter? Amelia?

Something inside me was growing and growing. Something unpleasant the longer I listened to this fight.

“That half-breed should be elated that I am willing to marry her. With her commoner blood, her chances of marrying into another greifnoble house are abysmal. Once she belongs to our house, that pest, the Sarlenzia company, will finally be ours too. Even the yeast recipe through that girl. I heard from Agram that Saintess Hestia’s party is not worth mentioning compared to them. Once I become a champion candidate, my party and I will make sure that— Oof! W-What?”

Charleslyt’s eyes widened as a white glove slapped his face and fell onto the ground. His fingers touched his reddened cheeks, baffled at what just happened. The same thing could be said about the remaining members in this room. All of them looked at me as if I had gone crazy.

“Yes, I might not have said anything up until now, but what right does everybody have to ignore me when you’re constantly speaking either about me or my friends? Isn’t that just rude?”

“““““L-Lady Hestia?”””” Everybody outside of Eshe uttered. Has she gotten used to my temper yet, I wonder?

“What is there to be surprised about, huh? You and your party of assholes are speaking badly of not only Ellaine, not only Amelia, but also everybody else in my party? Tch, what a joke.” I clicked my tongue, denouncing everything he just said. “Sure, Ellaine could use some more training, but I’m telling you this just to clear up your head. Grimnir could wipe out any of those goons. Saori and Tasianna could wipe your whole party, including you at the same time.”

“H-Haha, my lady, I understand your trust for your companions but stating such things will only—”

“Shut your mouth.” My [Draconic Aura] exuded, shutting Charleslyt up. “But, honestly, the audacity. You really think I need you? You really think some stuck-up young master can protect me? I’m sorry, but if you really think you are worthy of this champion candidacy, then prove it to her yourself.”

I pointed up.

“Charleslyt, I challenge you to a duel at the arena. Prove not only to the Goddess but also to me that you are more bite than bark!”

If he wants to prove himself to his daddy, then I’ll be a good girl and help him out… after I shove a real stick up his ass.