I thought the worst part about having slimes would be the trails. ‘I can feel them inside me!’ ’eww. Just tune them out. Focus on something else.' ‘How? They're everywhere.’ ‘If they're that big of an issue, reabsorb a few.’ ‘That's so gross.’ ‘Stop complaining. Look here. It's hogsworth. Let his cuteness soothe you.’ ‘He looks like a wrinkly old man that just got out of the bath. Like a neighbor's obese pug. That they shaved ’ ‘Hey! What's a pug?’

‘You were right.’ ‘Ha. See hogsworth is a cure all’ ‘No I mean the slimes. I got rid of a few.’ ‘That's good. Happy now?’ ‘hmmp. Maybe I'll make kobolds or something next time.’ ‘Then you'd feel their claws raking your insides. also they're quite messy.’ ‘I didn't need the imagery.’ ‘I was just giving you a heads up.’

‘Now that i'm going down the dungeon side. I realize how tactless the dungeons I delved were.’ ‘For the most part they’re no more than beasts with a bit more intellect. Ha my dads dungeon core was… was.. Never mind.’ ‘Was what?’ ‘Iiits a story for another time.’ ‘Sore spot?..’ ‘Yeah’

‘We need toilets.’ ‘Uh what now?’ ‘Toilets. I don’t want adventures popping squats in my dungeon.’ ‘Oooh you know what would be funny. A mimic toilet.’ ‘Not happening. I don’t want adventurers to be too scared to use the toilets.’ ‘Fine. But how are you going to get rid of the waste? It would build up and knowing you, you’d be too squirmy to deal with it.’

‘Slimes. I’ll trap them in the bottom.’ ‘Ok and how then will you stop them from getting too big and climbing up the pipes.’ ‘Fire?’ ‘Ah yes, melt them till they're small and lock the door. So the adventurers succumb to the toxic smoke billowing out the toilet.’ ‘Not happening. How would you do it.’

‘I wouldn't use slime but if I did. I would set a trap in the toilet that would squeeze the slimes if they got too big. The excess would dissipate into the dungeon and vualá, free toilet mana.’ ‘Just call it mana’ ‘Come on, quit being a killjoy.’ ‘Potty humor has a time and place. And right now is not it.’

‘Ooo ooo. Acid traps! You could totally use the toilet slime. You wouldn’t need to generate it every time.’ It was oddly a good suggestion. So I got to work on it. Honestly the dungeon was coming together nicely.

The dungeon aesthetic was a bit bland. Gray mossy stone bricks laid the interior. Being a dungeon, architecture wasn’t necessary but the devils in the details. The roof was made of large slabs and arches. I asked Ferris why we didn’t need it. ‘Dungeon magic.’ It was a short answer for the talkative fairy. It made sense. Dungeons are dumb. Sometimes.

I carved my history in the walls of my core room. From a stable boy to adventure. My time with the hero party and my time as a sword. I hoped they were clear. The demon eyes on the sword and my caricature should make it obvious. Maybe I should remove the part with the fish.

I didn't want to advertise my dungeon with a grand entrance so I opted for a good ol 'crack in a cliff kind of vibe. But that never really swayed any adventure from just climbing into a random old hole. Adventurers are weird.

A dwarf, an elf and a human walk into a dungeon. If you were expecting a joke of some kind you’ll be sorely disappointed. ‘Ay Gimal think I found somthin.’ ‘Better not be another goblin den. I swear.’ ‘Nah. I think it be a ruin of a sort.’ ‘Let me through you oafs… Uh it absolutely reeks like a dungeon in here.’ uh oh that's not good.

‘How can ya tell.’ ‘Slime.’ ’Oh yeah it does smell like the things. Didn't know that's what they smelled like.’ ‘Aye the critters run throughout. Though this place’s only gots a few from the smell of it.’ ‘You can tell that much? Just from the smell?’ ‘Indeed there are few. If it had been a bit more damp in here I would have thought they spawned naturally.’ ‘So it is a dungeon then?’ ‘Aye lad.’

Well that's annoying. Being found out because of a lack of detail. ‘Pfft haha. Look at that. You see that glow in the distance. That small shimmer. That be the core.’ F@#$. ‘The thing awt to be a young'un if its exposed like that. Its probably been trying to lure in some critters.’

‘Oh. Now that is interesting. It reacted to your words and sealed itself in.’ ‘Aye the it be smart for a young'un.’ ‘if it's so young it should be easy to take, right?’ ‘Are you daft boy.’ ‘The dwarf is right. Taking a dungeon core is the last thing you should do.’ ‘You’d be signing your own death certificate there. A dungeon will go to no end to defend itself . You go in, take a few things and leave. If you were to take the core the whole country would be on your arse.’

‘Ferris. Are cores protected or something?’ ‘For some countries cores are an integral part of their economy, wealth and power. There are countries that actively destroy cores in their territory but they often fall behind and eventually get taken over. Sometimes by powerful adventurers from other countries who fancies themselves kings and queens.’ ‘Why would they? They're just ruining their own country.’ ‘Head line. Prince dies in a dungeon. King orders all dungeons to be destroyed. Need i say more?’

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‘How far do you think they’ll go?’ ‘Oh heh. Right up to the core room.’ ‘What!’ ‘They don’t seem malicious. But that human, he'll definitely be back. Best make a few more traps and make em deadly. Also make a plan b. Like collapsing the dungeon and venting the air out. Also we need to talk about your hallway design. You could have put a few bends, branching paths and chambers.’

‘You told me to focus on expanding my influence. That I should make an entrance as soon as possible.’ ‘Ya. But I didn't tell you to build in a straight line either.’ ‘How can you be so nonchalant.’ ‘We’re safe. The dungeon is sturdy. There's one way in and it's full of traps.’ ‘what's stopping them from teleporting right to my core.’ ‘Dungeon magic… Also a little bit of divine influence. Makes teleporting in a dungeon impossible. Teleporting out can be done however.’

‘Hey it's a restroom!’ ‘fascinating. Do you think people have come before us.’ ‘Ad to of. Dungeon wouldn’t know what one was unless somebody explained it to em.’ ‘I don’t believe this dungeon has been recorded.’ ‘Aye. We're a ways out. Would of been written on the map’ ‘Tell then. Who do you think came before us?’ ‘Some no goods. Either they ran off and didn't tell the guild or the dungeon got em.’ ‘Ahhhhh! There's slimes in the toilets!’ ‘Ha! That's one way to deal with it.’

‘Ay Gimal lets get a move on. We need to report this place to the guild.’ ‘we’re not finishing the dungeon?’ ‘Aye the place is an unknown. It ain’t got a rating and some bloke likely died here already. Actually wait, I gotta take a piss.’ ‘It would be wise to go when we have the chance.’ ‘What? You say that and then you're going to leave me alone.’ ‘Quit yer yammering! Oh toilet paper, how kind of ya.’

‘I say we have a few days before someone shows up again. So what's yer plan capn. Are we going with plan a or plan b?’ ‘Plan b is if plan a fails. I'd rather go with plan c or d.’ ‘And what pray tell might those be.’ I won’t acknowledge her attempts to mimic the adventures. ‘Plan c Hide under ground and bunker down. Plan d. I don’t have a plan d yet.’

‘First off you can’t cut yourself off from the world. Your mana would dwindle and you’d go dormant till someone dug you up which could be never.’ ‘Why not? you found me after I was dormant.’ ‘You had a bunch of mana. Going dormant from a lack of mana is completely different than doing so to conserve mana. One you’d be defenseless and two I’d die.’ ‘Oh.’ ‘Oh is right.’

‘I'm up for running away and setting up somewhere else.’ ‘And how will you accomplish that? You have a whole stretch of dungeon and the surrounding rock your influence is attached to.’ ‘I could cut off the dungeon and retract my influence.’ ‘Then your mana would spill everywhere. You have nothing to store it in.’ ‘What if I compressed the walls of my core room, trapping it all inside.’ ‘Ya but but… I don’t see that working out well. You’d get an errant tag for sure. Hiding is one thing. Moving your core is fine. Moving your core and a structure to a completely different place is way different.

‘I remember there were floating dungeons when I was human.’ ‘Those dungeons constantly move and when they fly over a country that doesn't particularly like them they get destroyed. The particularly strong ones still float around and have their own standing armies. They’re essentially kingdoms in the sky. If floating dungeons weren’t so interesting their errant tags would have gotten them destroyed a lot sooner.’

‘You told me before the world wouldn’t notice a few trouble makers.’ ‘You are not a big player. You can’t just cause trouble and hope you're pretty enough to get out of it. You have to be strong. You have to be unique.’ ‘But I am unique.’ ‘Ahhhh!’ ‘Besides I already broke dungeon rule one.’ ‘What!?’ ‘I'm an active dungeon with a sealed core room. I didn't get a tag for it…’

‘What.. what… what..’ I broke her. ‘I’m a core, not a dungeon core, remember I don’t have a designated path. Being a dungeon was just a way to get mana and protect myself.’ ‘Can you make booze?’ ‘What?’ ‘I need a drink. I'm your fairy. Your guide. I keep you on the straight and narrow. I was fixated on you being a dungeon. You're not or you're more or less. It's so confusing.’ ‘Sorry I know I am.’

‘We could leave if we wanted.’ ‘If you do that. If you get a sense of wrongness. Stop immediately. I don’t want a group of humans coming to kill you over some meaningless tag.’ ‘Alright.’ I began to compress the ground around my core room and draw in my influence.

‘What happened to plan a and b?’ ‘A bit of plan a, b and d.’ ‘why?’ ‘That guy Gimal’s back and he brought a lot of friends.’ ‘The scrawny kid?’ ‘I think he was a nobles brat. They're all dressed in the same fancy armor. I don’t think they’ll be having a good time. How do you think the country will react when a newly discovered dungeon disappears and the only clues are a few suits of armor.’ ‘I think there'd be on less noble family.’

‘Its a shame we didn’t get to see the traps work.’ ‘We’re not leaving yet. I have to do plan a and b first.’ ‘Are you going to drop the mountain on their heads?’ ‘Most certainly’ ‘Aye capn. Ready for chaos.’ I’ll miss the place a little. I was almost convinced to stay.

‘You said it was a straight passage to the core room?’ ‘Yes father.’’ Ah ha he is the son. ‘Your sure no one knows? You haven’t told anyone?’ ‘No father. Not a soul.’ Ooo drama. That's gonna bite you in the butt. ‘Alright carry on.’

‘Scouts first. Then the heavy infantry. Next healers and spell casters.’ They’re making a big deal of this. They didn't even bring that many men. To be fair they’re probably trying to be covert. But seriously not a single archer. Could they not find a single one with tight lips. Or do they just not like archers? Maybe they just-.

‘Release the slimes!’ ‘That wasn’t a part of the plan.’ ‘If we're leaving, might as well throw everything right?’ She makes a good point.

‘What is that smell?’ ‘I think I'm going to be sick’ “Vomiting noises” 'Slimes, they're coming from the latrines!’ ‘Fire, burn them out!’ Here comes the toxic smoke. Krakakoom. The restrooms explode sending stone shrapnel everywhere. I, Ferris and the soldiers. Well the survivors, collectively react with what could only be the proper response ‘Holly Sh*t!’ ‘Retreat!’

Apparently Slime plus poop plus fire does not in fact make toxic smoke. It goes boom. Nice to know. ‘I got an idea for the next type of trap..If we water it down a little it might burn instead of explode.’ ‘What if we made it extra sticky’ ‘I think that's a war crime.’ ‘War crime war shmime bring out more slime.’