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A Bit Goofy - A Xianxia Story
...With a Very Fast Ride

...With a Very Fast Ride

Zi-Zi was pretty and pretty confusing. Partially with the bowing and stuff everyone else did but signing an NDA that kept you from teaching someone how to fight? Spoony never heard of such a thing. The NNU wrestling team, known for their fierce repeated championships, wouldn't even consider trying that. Silly as it was, he respected her decision, the last thing he wanted was her getting slapped with a lawsuit or something. At least he could teach Pan-Yang. That boy was enthusiastic.

Heading back to what he considered the ‘front’ of the camp, he glanced at his wrist, the watch there still stubbornly displaying the same time to remind him it was broken. The cracked glass reflected a twisted image of his iridescent eyes as he rolled them in exasperation at forgetting for the umpteenth time it was broken. Maybe he could get it fixed in this Oasis place. Or buy a new one.

Spoony made his way to where he remembered the leader's tent and found it almost as busy as the rest of the camp. A bunch of people were standing a few steps away on its other side in a semicircle around Xu Dingxiang and Xu Zhong who were holding the map between them, their animated discussion punctuated by gestures toward the horizon, the older of the two brushing his thick beard in thought. The guards of the Firebird caravan were vigilant though and one of them in the nicest armor noticed Spoony at the same time their leader did, and almost fell over himself to bow. The others were confused at first, until they saw him and hurried to do the same.

Xu Dingxiang's attention shifted from the map unfurled in his hands to Spoony. “Ah, Sè Piān,” he greeted with a bow that was both respectful and relieved.

Before he could reply, Spoon found himself cut off by the guard.

"Xie Jing greets his honored brother." The first to spot him spoke, his tone respectful yet reserved. Spoony tilted his head, puzzled for a second. While faces had blended together with the other guys in armor, this one seemed vaguely familiar—had they met before? The man raised his head showing the four pencil-thin scars on his face as it caught the light, his stone-like eyes widening slightly as they flicked up to something above the toon's head.

Then Spoony remembered. He set down the punching bag and plucked the portable stove off his head and smiled.

"Oh, that's right! Those new peepers holding up… uh, Xie Jing, your name was? I'm sorry, I'm afraid it slipped my mind." The toon apologized, clapping his hand over the other man's and pumping it in a firm handshake. “I knew a guy named Jingles back in high school, any relation?” He waved the question off with his free hand as the other continued the handshake, the fact Jing wasn’t a puffed-up bull frog with a wide frowny mouth and attitude to match answering it as soon as it left his mouth. “Ah, sorry. Of course not. You two look nothing alike. Not that I really liked the guy, he tried to bully my best friend, and I rang his bell so hard his ears were ringing for a month after. God, even the principal gave me grief about the noise."

Xie Jing seemed totally caught off guard by the casualness but quickly recovered. He stood straighter, his chest out and proud. "They serve me well, brother," he replied, standing a bit straighter, though still looking slightly bewildered by Spoony's informality. "I owe my sight- No, my life to you."

Spoony gave a casual wave of his hand, dismissing the formality as much to not show how much the praise in the man's voice unsettled him. "Aw, don't mention it. Just tryin' to help." He chuckled before quickly turning to Xu Dingxiang. "Just wanted to let you know I'm ready to help once the camp is packed up,” he informed. “Whenever you’re ready.”

The older man didn't even hesitate, Xu Dingxiang turned to his subordinates, his voice carrying authority and urgency with not an ounce open for hesitation. "You heard him! We move within the hour. Spread the word."

Xu Zhong stepped forward, eager to execute his father's commands. His youthful face reflected both determination and the weight of expectations as he beckoned to the guards. The authority in his voice left no room for hesitation.

The guards nodded in unison and dispersed quickly, their movements efficient and purposeful as they relayed the message throughout the camp.

Spoony watched them leave for a moment, marveling at how quickly they jumped to it. "Uhm…" He turned back to the leader, his sharp eyes his eyes revealing a hint of wariness that seemed out of place given the familiarity of their interactions.

“There’s no need to rush. We’ll make good time. Just make sure your carts are tied together.” Spoony commented, having not expected them to hop to it so fast. Sure, they were burning daylight but it wasn’t that big of an emergency. Didn’t hurt to ensure everyone was ready rather than fast. Last time he saw someone in this much hurry was Dean Dudd trying to catch him before he went on vacation. The fat croc hadn’t even noticed the banana peel Spoony dropped on the stairs. Hearing his boss turned bowling ball go flying down the stairs knocking students and staff aside like impromptu pins was one of the few memories that still coaxed an involuntary smirk from him whenever it flashed across his mind.

His smirk flattened. He hoped Dudd was okay. The snake was a Grade-A jerk but…

He flexed his fingers to work out the worry in his head, feeling the odd blend of cartoonish elasticity and human agility that defined his new form.

"We’ve already been here long enough, Sè Piān," Xu Dingxiang said. "Normally we would’ve stopped the entire day for funeral rites but…" He faded in the middle as it occurred to him what he was saying.

The weight of his words seemed to sink into both of them, and for a moment the camp’s usual clamor dwindled into a hushed reverence that neither of them had anticipated. Then Spoony puffed out his chest slightly and slapped the man on the back. "Don't sweat it. Everyone's okay.”

A pang of something between worry and fear hit him square in the chest. His thoughts drifted back to Anytoon and his little brother, Paulus, probably bouncing around with that cheeky grin of his. That tuft of red fur atop his head bobbing with every step, always full of energy and curiosity.

"Paulie must be worried sick," Spoony mused aloud, though so quietly no one would hear it. The kid was a tough cookie but if the building exploded, he wouldn't blame anyone for thinking he was dead, and that news would devastate his little brother. And mom and dad wouldn't take it well either.

He needed to get his hand on a sea shell or conch sooner rather than later.

Spoony sighed deeply, running a hand through his gravity-defying hair. "I gotta find a way back," he muttered under his breath. Not just for himself but for Paulie too. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving his little brother in the lurch, especially after all they’d been through together.

Xu Dingxiang studied him for a moment, the corners of his mouth twitching in a semblance of a smile. The stern man nodded slowly. "Your optimism is needed around here, Master Sè Piān. Let's hope it carries us through." He then turned back to his map, tracing a route with his finger. “This is the shortest route to Oasis Point from our position here…”

Spoony peered over the map, his finger following Xu Dingxiang’s tracing. “Looks straightforward enough,” he commented. The map was detailed and he could easily follow the path which curved around dunes and meandered through narrow pass after narrow pass before opening to a flat stretch with the words Oasis’s Heel which led directly to their destination. “Just gotta keep the dunes to our right and the mountain range ahead, right?”

Xu Dingxiang… Man, even thinking his name was a bit of a mouthful.

Xu Di-Xi nodded in agreement, pointing at a particularly straight path between two passes. “Indeed, I was discussing with my men a scouting plan.” Spoony’s confusion must’ve shown on his face because, the older man went on to explain. “There have been issues of poisoned wells along the most well-traveled routes this year. Stinking water or glistening oily films on the surface not even the horses would dare drink. Last year they were safe but it’s very likely this will be Firebird Caravan’s last trip across the Ever-Reaching Steppe for some time.”

Spoony’s eyebrows almost disappeared into his hairline. “Well, that’s not good. Any idea why?”

“Before last night, I would’ve said bandits or even White Oasis tightening their grip on these lands. Now…” The man combed his fingers through his beard, something the toon was starting to realize was a nervous tic. “Now, I believe we’ve wandered into a trap. Not for us but it has closed all the same. Too far to turn back under the wing of the Empire and too close to Baochun to consider quitting. I don’t like it.”

Spoony could see why. ‘Doesn’t sound fun at all.’

“I…” The man paused, remembering something. “Uhm, Master Cultivator, how do you intend to help?” There wasn’t any sort of accusation in his tone, more a pensive curiosity as if he came up with an answer to his own question but didn’t quite want to believe it. “I mean no disrespect,” He hurried to say, “but do you intend to cast some great art?”

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“Nope.” With an almost ceremonial flourish, he placed his black briefcase on the ground between them. “Never was a good painter, Paulie got the eye for that stuff. My drawing is so bad a chicken once called my chicken scratching illegible.” He flicked the clasps open. “I’ll be towing you.” He informed him, getting ready since everyone else was. There was quite a bit of a drive ahead, after all and he could hear the camp beginning to pack up. The sounds of tents being dismantled and supplies being secured, mixing with voices and the snorts from the animals.

Xu Di-Xi looked puzzled, his eyes squinting the squint of a man trying to figure out a puzzle from a guy he was half-certain was trying to fleece him. “Towing…us? I-” He glanced over his shoulder at the sledges as if to double check how many there were. “With your own hands?”

“By hand? No, no.” Spoony chortled, a pure guffaw that sent his shoulders shaking as he pulled out the red notebook paper-sized rectangle he’d stored away back at the school. “Of course not. I’d have to warm up and have my coffee first.”

Xu Di-Xi chuckled as well. “Then you- Wait, what?”

With a loud, confident voice that echoed through the camp, he announced, “I’ll be using my baby here.” With a quick flick like he was dusting off a curtain, his cherry red Lux-O sports car unfolded to full form, growing to its full, sleek glory in a heartbeat of groaning USA steel and chrome and bouncing slightly as it came to rest on it’s wheels. He gave the roof a firm smack of satisfaction and stepped back for a better look.

She was as sweet to look upon as the dark cherry red paint he bought her in.

Spoony didn’t even notice the strangled noise of surprise next to him as he popped open the trunk and stowed away the punching bag he'd crafted for Pan-yang's training. He then grabbed the backseat door handle and swung it open with a smooth, seductive click, the interior inviting with plush leather and a hint of mint from the tree dangling off the rearview mirror. He put the pot in the backseat cup holder, still humming as it worked on his coffee—a process that seemed to take an eternity. “Strange.” He half expected whatever timer was making it work would’ve gone off by now. He tapped its sides, glancing over the bubbling liquid seemingly unable to spill no matter which way he tipped it. Convenient as that was, the distinct lack of a dark nutty aroma carrying him on delicate fingers to its source told him it still wasn’t ready.

The wait would be worth it. “It’ll be done soon.” Spoony muttered, eyeing the pot with suspicion before turning back to Xu Di-Xi.

Shutting the door, he took her all in. Gleaming with wax polish, her chrome shined with a coquettish glint in the desert sun which would draw the envious eye of a blind mole. Turning to the slack jawed man, the toon jangled his keys. “This. This is my road warrior. She is the killer of casual cruisers. She’s no pavement princess but the Queen of the all-terrain. This is my Lady Doozy. A Brougham Lux-O Custom Sport fresh out of Mo-Town.” He stroked the bulging fenders, admiring her lines and the way she’d embodied speed from her swooping curves to aggressive strength in the smiling grill, his reflection in the paint showing he was smiling too. He knocked twice on the hood. “Can’t beat good ol’ fashioned USA Steel.”

Xu Di-XI’s jaw would’ve fallen off it could get any lower which worried Spoony a little. If the man kept doing that, he was liable to someone threw a pie down his gob. That or he’d catch some flies, and he wasn’t a frog so he doubted those would taste good. It was a bit of an overreaction if he said so.

“I… I have never… Well, never seen the like.” He circled the car twice, still visibly trying to comprehend the unfolding scene before him, his gaze darting from Spoony to the shimmering car and back again. So totally awed by it, he didn’t realize he was reaching out to touch it as if to check it was real. He caught himself and flinched back, looking to Spoony for permission. “Did you… make it yourself?”

Spoony grinned ever wider and nodded his assent. Seems like he found a fellow car enthusiast. “Nope. Modified it a little but otherwise it’s all stock,” he began, leaning against the car's fender. "Under that hood is a V16 engine—chrome accents and all—that can hit 30,000 RPM easy. We're talking more than 10,000 horsepower and over 50,000 lbs-ft of torque. Enough torque to yank a two-mile train and power to keep it at express speeds." Spoony continued with a wink. "I didn't have enough to splurge on any of those fancy upgrades they offered back home." He kicked the tires, pristine, robust, and more than capable of handling any terrain. “Got the good wheels though.”

Spoony glanced at his wrist, habitually checking the time on his broken watch. The cracked glass reflected a twisted image of his iridescent eyes before he remembered it was useless. “All wheel drive, independent suspension, and those shocks?” Spoony tapped the car’s undercarriage with his foot. “They'll absorb anything the Ever-Reaching Steppe can throw at us.” He flashed a fanged toothy grin at Xu Di-Xi. “And she's as reliable as the sun. Might not look it with these sleek lines, but she’s built durable. Doozy Durable.”

"You plan to help us traverse the Steppe... using just this?" His voice was a mixture of awe and incredulity.

Spoony sat into the driver’s seat, patting the dashboard affectionately. "Xu Dingxiang, my friend, sometimes you gotta roll with a little flair." Spoony noticed several curious on lookers, having stopped their work to stare as much as Xu Di-Xi and he turned the engine over - she growled like a happy predator. “Now let’s get her hitched up.”

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It took everything in Zi Nuan not to simply gape like a slack jawed fool as she inspected herself in the privacy of her tent. The cultivator, this Sè Piān, who she was beginning to think was a hidden master, hadn’t just healed her core and her injuries from the battle, he had also managed to revitalize her entire being. Her once vivid scars, thin lines which spoke of her early failures when training were gone without even a whisper of their existence on her skin.

Her fingers traced over the smooth expanse of her stomach where a jagged line from a fight with a Spirit Beast should have been. She could hardly believe it.

"Impossible..." she breathed into the silence of her tent, the hot air being her only witness and the breeze the only reply. One of the single laws of cultivation was during a breakthrough, there was only a single chance to repair the scars on one’s body before rising to the next stage. A Qi Novice that was the first realm and a Spirit Adept realm was the time of greatest risk. Injuries and scars were part and parcel of the trial and tribulations the heavens demanded but would become permanent if they weren’t skilled enough. A cultivator with many scars were either a great threat or a great fool and woe to the opponent who guessed wrong.

This law lay shattered as easily as her expectations of the red cloaked great master. Simply, fixing the unchanging flesh of a cultivator just wasn’t possible and yet… She took a deep breath, the suddenly nonsensical world outside barred by the fabric walls of her tent.

There was no way Sè Piān could have done all of this without her noticing, right?

Quickly her redressed herself and dug a hand mirror from her things. A great luxury to the mortals she was only now remembering she had. Gazing into her touched her face, feeling the soft skin that felt like hers but at the same time not. Her hands moved to her hair, it was longer and fuller now cascading down her back in jet black curtain, tied down in a ponytail. She felt her eyes, they were bigger and rounder than before, her lips slightly fuller.

Zi Nuan turned the mirror this way and that, trying to observe herself from every angle she could manage. She looked… right. Definitely different but very much the same.

There really was no other way to put it.

She was vaguely aware of the dark cultivation methods, hushed whispers and rumors that circulated among their community. How demonic cultivators could manipulate the blood in someone's body until it burst them apart, how they could control others like puppets on a string, and even warp their bodies into grotesque abominations. But as she stood there, instinctively she knew this wasn't it. This wasn't the work of those twisted souls who delved deep into forbidden, making pacts with demons for quick and easy power. No, she would have sensed foul Qi invading her, much like what was burned out of her dantian.

That wasn't the kind of power wielded by those who embraced darkness.

She dismissed the thought, trying not to worry. If this great master had planned to do her harm, there would’ve been no point in putting on such and odd face. Not with his strength and-

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard a distant roar from outside. It was unlike anything she'd ever heard before—a beast’s grumbling call followed by an odd rhythmic thrumming not unlike a deep growl in the throat—and it sent her heart racing with fresh fear.

She snapped her fingers and with a golden flash and chiming gong, Bronze Echo’s Embrace leapt from its sheath and clapped to her palm. The world slowed as she flew from the tent in one step, her eyes quickly scanning the sky for enemies. Nothing. She pushed off the ground with the second step, rising high above the camp, hand tightening to whirl a defensive pattern with her blade could feel the hum of Qi within it, a symphony of energy that resonated with her own.

Underneath the tension, a happy jolt of exhilarated relief passed through her as Qi flowed through her like water through riverbeds, surging with the power of the Golden Blood Realm. That traitor left her with a truly insidious wound. The memory of her chains—the injury to her cultivation had shackled her abilities, stunting her, her very essence locked behind the instinct of self-preservation. The chains that had bound her for so long clinked in the recesses of her mind, hateful links of-

"Focus," she muttered under her breath, centering her thoughts, her sharp gaze tracing camp for any signs of an attack. She listened carefully, straining her ears in the direction of the strange beastly sound. The cultivator needn’t have bothered. A small crowd gathering near the front of the camp guided her eyes to the source, the mortals getting closer to a… They were observing a… What in the ancestors was it?

She certainly didn’t know.

It was the red-cloaked Sè Piān at the helm of a monstrous beast of gleaming red metal and glistening glass, roaring and rumbling like an angered dragon,

Sè Piān caught sight of Zi Nuan gliding mid-air and waved cheerily at her. "Be ready, we’re leaving soon!" he called out. His voice carried over the noise easily, evidently amplified by his spiritual energy.

The beast growled again as the man manipulated something within, causing the back of it to lift off the ground, wheels spinning and then slam back down causing a small dust cloud.

Resolving to investigate, Zi Nuan took the third and final step pushing off the air towards it. It took her barely a moment to reach them, landing on the balls of her feet, agile as a cat and quiet as a leaf right beside the caravan leader was in the middle of raising his hands to give instructions. He jumped but was quickly able to recover, bowing in respect.

"Bronze Cleaver." he greeted, his eyes darting to the shiny, dangerous object clutched in Zi Nuan's hand, then back to her face with an expression of utter amazement. "It is good to see you are up."

"Leader Xu." She nodded back, folding her arms across her chest.

Flicking her gaze towards the monstrous contraption before them, she observed it carefully. Its sleek, red exterior gleamed like blood under the sun, commanding as much attention and respect as a beast of legend. The bonnet was lifted, exposing a series of complex mechanisms that one could only guess their functions. The master cultivator seemed lost in this alien world, a grin splitting his face ear-to-ear as he poked and prodded at the various intricacies with the kind of confidence that Zi Nuan wasn’t certain she could share.

“What is this...” she paused, searching for the appropriate word. "Thing?"

Her answer was the caravan leader ordering everyone to line up the sledges behind the metallic creature. Each sledge was securely fastened to the one ahead of it, creating a long trail of travelers. One by one, Leader Xu and his men attached the sledges to the massive metallic contraption with sturdy ropes and hitches, and as the horses were put in the back of an empty sledge, she had her answer. Somehow this was going to pull them through the Ever-Reaching Steppe.

Zi Nuan didn't believe it would work as she gathered her things and packed them away. Her movements were efficient, honed by years of military discipline, but her mind was elsewhere. She kept glancing at the monstrous metal contraption, its presence an anomaly that defied her understanding of the world.

She didn't believe it would work as she took a seat in one of the sledges the guards rode in. The wooden structure creaked beneath her weight, a familiar sound that stood in stark contrast to the alien rumbling of the beast ahead. Her fingers absently traced the hilt of Bronze Echo's Embrace, seeking comfort in its familiar contours.

She didn't believe it would work when she was leaning out the window to watch Leader Xu make some prearranged signal near the front that the caravan was ready. The air was thick with anticipation, a palpable tension that set her nerves on edge. She observed Sè Piān's confident grin, his hands moving over strange levers and knobs with practiced ease.

"By the SKY AND SEAAA!!!" yelped one of the guards, a young man with eyes the color of light stone.

Zi Nuan didn't even manage that as whatever words she could've said were shoved bodily back down her throat. The world lurched forward with a force she'd never experienced before. Her body slammed back against the seat, the sudden acceleration catching her completely off guard. The landscape began to blur past at an impossible speed, wind whipping through her hair with ferocious intensity.

Okay, she believed it.