"Rufio still isn't speaking to me. I fucked everything up, and I don't know why I did it," I told Dani.
Most youths in CYH had to see their caseworker every week, but I had a job and maintained a 4.0 GPA, so I convinced Dani to see me only once a month because I thought I didn't need help. But in retrospect, I should have asked for extra time because I needed all the help I could get.
"Sometimes we ruin things for ourselves because we don't think we deserve them," she pondered.
"I dunno. To be honest, sometimes I'll catch myself and think, 'wow, that's arrogant.'"
Dani shrugged. "Arrogance and insecurity are like two sides of the same coin. Sometimes, people pretend to be confident to hide how scared and unsure they are."
"That doesn't make sense. How can someone be arrogant and insecure at the same time?"
Dani laughed and said, "It takes a lot of work, let me tell you, but if you can convince yourself, you can convince anyone."
I thought about it for a moment. "You're saying I've convinced myself I'm arrogant?"
"I don't mean to say anything. But. If you had convinced yourself of something, that wouldn't be unusual. Most people lie to themselves. Myself included. Once you've lied to yourself, lying to someone else is easy. Being honest with yourself, that's rare, because it's hard. Being honest with yourself demands work and pain. It's not easy coming to terms with yourself. Your failings. It hurts. Most people don't have the constitution for it."
I didn't know how to respond. Dani was like that. She'd say something abstract, and I'd just sit there thinking about it for a few seconds.
"Okay. To be clear, you're saying I fucked up my relationship with Rufio because I think I don't deserve him, and I've convinced myself that I'm arrogant to hide my insecurities... from myself?"
Dani put her hands up in the air in surrender. "I have no idea. I'm not in your head, and I never met Rufio. I'm just listening to your story. Anything I say is a knee-jerk response to what you say, but I won't pretend I'm impartial. I'm still human. If I'm projecting my own nonsense, or maybe someone else's, disregard me. Honestly, I'm just some guy. Who cares what I think? I don't have God's Truth. If something I say doesn't feel true to you, ignore it, please."
Again, Dani had me stumped. Most people didn't act like her, and it took me a second to process that kind of casual humility, but I was preoccupied by something else entirely.
"You said you're 'some guy.' Have I been gendering you wrong?'" I asked wrongly.
Dani just smiled. "No, you haven't been misgendering me. I don't care whether people call me a man or a woman."
As she mentioned it, I realized we never discussed gender or how she preferred to be referred. I felt ashamed and confused and kind of confused about being ashamed and confused. "I never asked you about your pronoun preferences. Is that right? I don't even know how to ask about it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude, but it also seemed like none of my business."
She shrugged. "To tell you the truth, I often don't know what the rules are, either. It seems like new norms and codes of conduct are introduced and enforced so rapidly, it's hard to keep up, even for me. I don't always align with, I guess you could call it, 'liberal orthodoxy.' But it is polite in liberal circles to ask for pronouns when meeting a person. You never asked, but you never made me feel weird or freakish, either. You treat me like anyone else. I shouldn't say this, but many of my clients were awkward about it. If anything, I'd say thank you."
Yet again, she stumped me. I thought for a second about it. "I'm sorry people suck. But I'm a person. And since I already broke the seal on this conversation, can I ask you about gender?"
"Of course," she put down her notes and pen and folded her hands in her lap. "And don't worry about offending me. I won't be offended. If you say or ask something offensive, I'll explain why it might be offensive, but like I said before, this is a safe space for you to figure things out, and I'm here to help."
It was wonderful how safe Dani made me feel. Over the years, during moments with others, I noticed myself emulating her, copying her gestures and vocal intonations.
"Okay," I said, having organized my thoughts a little. "A couple months back in Lark Inn, I met a trans couple. A boy and a girl, going this way," I pointed like the Scarecrow in both directions, "And I guess... I guess I don't understand."
Dani laughed and sighed and said, "Yeah, that makes sense. You didn't actually ask a question, so I'll say what comes to mind, and maybe a dialogue will come from that, yeah? Alright. Uh. I guess... the first thing to understand is... gender and sex are not the same thing. Sex is about chromosomes and hormones; it's biological stuff. Gender is about how cultures interpret that biological stuff and where one falls within that interpretation. And it's important to remember our culture is not universal. Other cultures differ widely on how they interpret and organize that biological stuff."
I knit my brows and nod, following along so far. Dani continued, "But the simple thing about sex and gender is they aren't binary. You know what a binary is?"
I shake my head.
"It's like, either-or. Black or white, with no shades of grey, but almost everything exists in some shade of grey.
"Myself, for example. My body produces more testosterone than is 'normal' (she said while making air quote fingers) for a woman. Doctors told me they could perform a dangerous, invasive surgery to 'fix' (again) me, but this is who I am," she said while spreading her arms and posturing. "I like me, and I don't need fixing. Now some people see me, and they think I'm a man. That's fine. I can't go around correcting everyone on the street, can I? Does it matter? Not to me, anyway. Sometimes, people think I'm a man, and when I drop my voice low and act commanding (she said this while acting it out), I even enjoy some male privilege. I kind of exist within a strange intersection of privilege and oppression.
"But I'm kind of trans-adjacent, so probably not the best person to help you understand trans people. I don't experience body dysmorphia. Other people have hang-ups with my body, not me."
Dani gave me a few moments of silence because I needed the extra time to think about it.
"So you're a woman?" I asked.
"I mean, I guess? Most of the time, anyway. I think of myself as a woman, but sometimes I (air quotes) 'act like a man.' Sometimes people think I'm a man. And if it swims like a duck and quacks like a duck..."
"So your gender changes?"
"I guess? I'm always gonna be me, whether other people know it or not. Whether I know it or not! But how society views me can change at any moment depending on the context. Likewise, how I see myself can change, and I can alter the context."
This was too much, and I was lost. I shook my head. "But what about Faerie? She's with this transguy, Alex. Does that makes them straight or gay or what?"
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Dani laughed, "Oh, okay. Uhh, I guess the important question is, does it matter?"
"Not really, no. But I want to understand, and I don't know how."
Again, Dani laughed and sighed. "Well, I suggest you ask them... but since you're asking me... attraction and identity aren't the same thing. Who you are and what you want are different things, right? As for whether that makes them 'gay' or 'straight,' those are just words. Words that imply a dichotomy. A binary. Either-Or. Either gay or straight, as opposed to a complex human person, with unique tastes and preferences, right?"
After a moment of silence, Dani jumped back in, "And also, I think you don't necessarily need to understand. I don't mean to be dismissive. Full disclosure, I don't totally get it, either, and that's okay. See, I like my body. I don't understand what it's like to live in the wrong body, but I don't need to understand. All I need to do is treat Faerie like I would anyone else."
"I wanna be respectful. I don't mean to pry. That's the opposite of what I want. It's just I wanna understand so I can be better. I'm afraid I'll say something stupid or insensitive and fuck everything up."
Dani nodded. "Yeah, that's real." She sighed. "I can't answer why Faerie is transitioning. Only she can do that. And I don't think she can answer why anyone else is transitioning. In my experience, it's a unique, personal journey.
"But I can say your fears are out of proportion. I don't mean to dismiss them outright. Some people are bastard-filled bastards, and trans people are people, too. So I won't lie and say, 'no trans person will be upset if you accidentally use the wrong words,' but for the most part, people can recognize intention. Like our conversation now. You've been very respectful. You even asked permission before talking about it. Who does that? Just be with Faerie the way you are around me. You'll be fine. And if you say something she doesn't like, let her correct you. Listen to her. She might even be grateful to share her truth with you."
We sat in silence for a while again until Dani finally broke it.
"What about you? What happened last month? I know you went on the Humdrum adventure. That's when you met Rufio. Did you go back and finish it?"
"No. The next chapter is on the first Sunday of every month. Five days ago. Rufio still won't talk to me, and I was depressed, so I bailed. Nathan was super disappointed. This is the second time his party bailed before chapter two."
Dani had a sly look in her eyes. "Why don't you invite Faerie and Alex to the next chapter? You can run the first chapter with them again before the next first Sunday."
"Yeah. That's a good idea. I'll ask them at the next Community Convention."
The Community Conventions were mandatory monthly gatherings of all the youths and their caseworkers. Being in Castro Youth Housing meant jumping through hoops and regular check-ins. I don't mean to seem ungrateful. Particularly with the benefit of hindsight, I am grateful for those hoops and rules. They gave my life structure. I didn't realize at the time how much I appreciated that sense of regularity.
Also, Castro Youth Housing provided pizza with vegan alternatives, so the meetings were always well attended, and the attendants were well satisfied.
"Yoshimi Battles the Pink RobotsPt. 1" by the Flaming Lips was playing on a nearby portable stereo. I saw Faerie and Alex sitting together alone, and I asked to sit next to them.
"Oh yeah, you're that geek who thinks Ironman would win against Batman in a cage match," Faerie taunted.
"In a sudden death match, no doubt. But Bruce Wayne would beat Tony Stark if he had time to prepare a strategy and study Ironman's weaknesses," I shot back and took a seat.
Faerie just rolled her eyes, and I was already off to a bad start.
Alex was friendlier this time. "Hey, Bastian. Don't mind her. She's in a mood."
Faerie immediately stood up and walked away from Alex and me without another word. Alex watched her leave but didn't react.
"What's a matter with her?" I asked.
"None of your business," Alex said calmly. That shut down conversation for several minutes. I ate in silence until Deon, a large young Black man, sat down next to me. We lived on the same floor and met sitting in the hallway, each of us jumping on the wifi of the cafe downstairs. We would sit for hours together, surfing the internet, playing games, and talking about stuff.
"Mmm!" Deon boisterously exclaimed. "You know I love pizza, but I LOVE free pizza. Can you taste the freedom? Here, smell it. Delicious, delicious freedom. I look forward to this every month. Y'all have no idea. I get to hang out with all my people. There's food, games, and people. Oh my God, I love people."
Alex scowled. I laughed with Deon and said, "Not me. I'd rather be home. People are the worst. Pizza is great, though."
"I know! People suck, and I need them! I'm cursed!" Deon laughed at himself. "Y'all have no idea. I sit in my apartment alone, and it's like I'm a plant without sunlight. But people are awful!"
"At least they're entertaining," I said. "And every once in a great while, people are the best." I smiled and ate my pizza, and bumped my shoulder into Deon's shoulder. A grim and comforting silence followed. Alex looked at our warm and easy candor with piqued interest. The chatter of twenty other street urchins distributing Apples to Apples cards rang like ambient music in the background. Faerie returned to sit beside Alex.
"Apples to Apples. For the fifth month in a row," she said dryly.
"We gotta get these folks some new party games," Alex said to her.
"Chile, don't you dare speak ill of Apples to Apples! I love this game," Deon was animated and delighted to see Faerie. She lit up with his infectious enthusiasm and leaned in to rejoin.
"Apples can be fun, but we've gone through the deck several times. There are lots of fun games out there. I can prove it. Come with Alex and me to Totally Awesome. It's a board game store in West Portal. On Thursdays, they let you open any board game and play it. It's totally awesome! Alex and I go every week. You can come, too, Ironman," she said mockingly. I jumped in my seat.
"Thanks! Actually, I wanted to invite you all on an adventure. Have any of you heard of the Humdrum Institute?" I said in a low voice, so only the four of us could hear.
"Uh, I have not," Alex said with extreme skepticism.
"Nope," said Faerie.
"Me neither," said Deon.
"It sounds boring," Alex concluded.
"Yes, it does," I said. "But I promise it's fun. It's like a scavenger hunt through the city. There are clues all over. You'd be amazed! And it's free!"
"Okay, can we just pause for a second," Deon interrupted. "Because I want to acknowledge this is the greatest conversation I've ever been in, and I want to thank you all for including me in it."
"Thanks, Deon," Alex responded. Faerie and I agreed. Deon jumped back into the conversation.
"But what about this scavenger hunt? You have my undivided attention." Deon turned his chair to face me better. Alex and Faerie looked at me too, and I laughed and blushed.
"Okay. I've only gone through the first chapter, but I'll go again, and I'll only help if you all ask for help. The adventure begins in a generic-looking skyscraper in the Financial District. You get a map there and follow its directions."
"That sounds like a lot of fun," Faerie observed.
"It is! I'm not kidding."
"When is it?" Alex asked.
"During normal business hours, usually. We can go after the conference, even."
"And it's free?" Deon repeated.
"Yes. At least the first chapter was free. I can't say if the entire game will be."
"I bet the last chapter costs money," Alex said. Faerie agreed. "Probably, but we can walk away then. It sounds fun. C'mon, let's go," she said to him, and Alex relented.
Deon cheered loudly. I cheered silently. We all finished eating and then ghosted to the Humdrum Institute.
It was only a mile from the LGBT Center to the Financial District, but San Francisco was riddled with steep hills. Deon demanded frequent stops to collect his breath and wail and threaten to collapse and die, but we made it to the skyscraper that could have been any skyscraper by midday.
The woman at the desk on the 18th floor was different, but her name tag read Aubrey. Like Nathan did for me and my group, I stayed back and let Alex, Faerie, and Deon decipher the key. Alex took the lead, and we found the 1960s business-style room without incident. The TV clicked on, and the disembodied voice repeated its surreal call to arms.
I ignored the voice, having heard it before, and examined the room's contents more closely. Bookshelves were lined with encyclopedias of drugs and metaphysics, books on alien abductions, sightings, crop circles, and UFOs. Other topics included mysticism, spell books, catalogs of fantasy creatures, and studies on parallel dimensions. The books were secured on each shelf to prevent theft. All the furniture was bolted down. The glass cabinets encased an ornate opium pipe, a picture of Timothy Leary, and objects with symbols holy to Eastern religions.
By the end of the recording, all three of them were wide-eyed with excitement. Deon couldn't contain himself and practically squealed as we returned the key to "Aubrey."
Faerie was also jubilant playing the game. She looked beautiful and happy in the sun, her turquoise hair blowing in the wind as we climbed down the fire escape.
Alex led the team expertly. He read the clues aloud and gave everyone time to respond. The three of them together were whip-sharp and deciphered every clue without my help.
For my part, I tried to take Dani's advice and treated Alex and Faerie like anyone else. I didn't mention their genders or ask my questions. I wouldn't force the issue. If it comes up naturally in conversation, I thought.
It didn't. Instead, we talked about almost everything else. Our crappy housing, superheroes, Chinatown architecture, pork buns, anime, the zodiac, the zodiac killer, and of course, our present adventure: a mystery revolving around a missing girl named Eve, and vague mentions of a fantastic place called Elsewhere.
By the end of the day, the four of us were fast friends.
I didn't get answers to my questions, but I did get a new idea for my book.