I woke up.

The irritating rays of the sun shined across my face, forcing my sunken dark eyes to open. I now regret opening my curtains to let the moonlight in, as it would be replaced with a brighter, more annoying light in the morning, a light so bright that it would make me want to hide in the shadows.

I continued to lay on my bed, motionless as I observed the world around me.

The birds were chirping. The neighbors were gossiping. The students were chatting as they walked by. The leaves rustling in the wind.

Nothing is different. Nothing will change.

But today was special. Today was the day that I would be freed from my loneliness. I will be able to escape the darkness that enveloped me. I will see the light and embrace it with all my being. I will leave this depressing room and move on to a much brighter place. I will go off on a journey where pain and suffering don't exist. I will finally become happy.

Today, I will kill myself.

I sluggishly got out of my bed, trying my hardest to move my sorry excuse of a body. The bed was tempting me to go back, to rest for just a few more minutes. My mind desperately wanted to go back, to cling on to the bed and be enveloped by its soothing warmth. It was my only friend, the only one I could really trust, it was always there when I needed it the most, when I needed to rest, relax, forget, hide, or cry, it's always there. It will never leave me behind.

But alas, I needed to go. I have to endure another day of loneliness. But at least, this will be the last.

I approached the window from the side and peeked outside. A girl and a boy were happily chatting outside as they walked across the street. From their dark blue blazers, I assumed they were headed to school. The girl suddenly glanced towards my direction but my reflexes were fast enough to hide just in time before she realized that someone was looking at her.

I didn't want to be seen. Whenever people look at me I feel cold, I feel like I could freeze up at any moment, turn into ice, and shatter into a million pieces.

After a minute or two, I gained enough courage to peek out again. Luckily, they were gone. There was no one else outside, just the birds and the trees.

I quite envy the birds. I want to become one if I ever get the chance to be reincarnated. I want to be free. I want to soar the skies without any worries. To not have any shackles weighing me down. To no longer need to fit in and become someone that others could deem as acceptable. To no longer play this charade of pain, lies, and disappointment known as living life as a functioning human of society.

I closed the curtains, shutting out the light from outside.

I walked across my room and opened the lights, illuminating the surroundings and displaying its chaotic state. This light was fine, it's not irritating, unlike the sun. This is because it is my own light, a light I chose to open by myself, a light that didn't force its bright rays into my eyes, a light I chose to be a part of.

I walked across my small room, avoiding the messy pile of books on the floor, and sat on a wooden chair that faced a desk. There was a book waiting for me on it, waiting to accomplish its one and only purpose, to be read.

I flipped over the pages until I found the bookmark that I had placed from my past reading session. Then I started to read.

I love reading, it is the only form of entertainment that actually amuses me. Whenever I read, I quickly lose track of time and shut off everything from my life: people, noise, hunger, everything. This was the only time I could smile, to distract my mind from the pains of the world. I can easily imagine myself being part of the story that I read. I can go to other worlds that are far better than the one I am currently living in. I could be someone important, someone poor, someone rich, someone handsome, anyone, as long as I have the creativity to imagine. I could travel the world, marry a beautiful lady, save the planet, become a hero, and do everything else that my life restricts me from doing.

The doorbell rang.

I shook in surprise at the sudden noise. I looked at my watch and saw that it was already afternoon. I placed the bookmark on the page that I was on and closed the book.

I waited for a few minutes. I waited for the person outside to go away and drive off or whatever. I stood up from my chair and cautiously walked to the door, making sure that my footsteps were light and wouldn't make any creaks on the floor, signaling that there was someone home. As I got near the door, I peeked outside from the peephole, and luckily, there was no one in sight.

I already knew who it was that rang my doorbell. I got down and slowly opened the door. The sun, yet again, intruded inside my home, but not for long. From my crouched position, I reached out and grabbed the box that was sitting on the floor outside and pulled it inside. Then I hurriedly closed the door.

I sat down, fully stretched my legs, and leaned back on the closed door. My heart was racing, so I gave myself a moment to breathe. Even though I open my door at least once a day, I still can't control my nerves and get used to it. Whenever I open it, it's only for situations like these when I need to grab something that is within reach of my door, anything beyond that is too much for me. Now that I think about it, I can't remember when was the last time I stepped foot outside.

I looked over at the box. Finally, it's here. I've been waiting for over an eternity for this package to arrive, but the wait was worth it.

I stood up and dragged the box deeper into my dark cave of a room. I rummaged inside a cabinet and grabbed a pair of scissors. Then I opened the box. Inside it were worthless items that I would never be able to use like a tent, campfire equipment, and other outdoor stuff. The only reason I bought them was so I wouldn't look suspicious from the main item that I bought. I dug deep into the box until I finally found it. It was a rope, the thing that I will kill myself with.

I grabbed the rope and pushed over the box filled with unneeded expenses to the side. I looked at the rope in my hand. Will I really do this? I could turn back now and just move on with my life, but I don't think I even have a life to live outside this room. I don't have anything to live for, I don't have any friends, no family, no events to look forward to, and no hope of gaining any of the aforementioned in the future. I took a deep breath and cemented in my mind that I will definitely kill myself today, but I still wanted to do a few more things before I bid farewell.

The first thing I needed to do was to tie the noose. I didn't know how to make one, so I resorted to the best tool for learning, a tutorial video. I wasn't sure whether there would even be a tutorial in the first place since creating this piece of craft is simply too dangerous and irresponsible to be published on the internet, a place where even children could browse the most horrendous topics imaginable.

Unfortunately, the internet is far more unrestrictive than I thought. I simply searched "How to tie a noose." and to my surprise, there were thousands of tutorials online. But even though the internet is terrible for allowing these sorts of things to be posted, I still applaud it, because when I searched for my query, at the top of the page it stated, "Help is available, speak with someone today," and attached the phone number of the nearest mental hospital in my area. This feature could definitely save lives, but not mine. My sadness is far greater than what you could imagine, and a simple message like that would never be enough to break my resolve. Even if I did try to seek help, I wouldn't be able to do it, since conversing with other humans is a task too difficult for me to do, and I simply hate the thought of speaking my heart out to a stranger.

I clicked on the video with the most views and followed along with the tutorial.

I smiled.

I actually smiled. I haven't smiled in a while, especially when it's not book-related. But this video was so humorous to me and I couldn't hold it in. It was a tutorial and a song at the same time, but the tone and pitch of the song were that of a children's nursery rhyme and I found it so funny how this person could lively explain how to tie a deadly weapon of self-harm, a noose, in this happy tune. I finished watching the video and also finished tying the noose.

I grabbed my chair and placed it in front of the closed window. My room was small and didn't have any place where I could hang up the noose, except for one place, the curtain rod. I stood up in the chair. My footing was unstable and I suddenly started to wobble, but thankfully I was able to gain balance when I grasped the curtain.

It would have been so embarrassing to die from falling out of a chair while setting up a suicide plan. It would have been a hilarious news article in the making, but quite frankly, I wouldn't want to die like that. I want my death to be self-inflicted. I want it so that my death was caused by me and me alone. To die by my own hands is the only thing that I could wish for. If fate dictated everything, then at the very least, I want my death to be dictated by me, and me alone.

I tied the noose tightly on the curtain rod and got down from the chair. I left the chair there since I will need it to be able to hang myself when the time came. I took a few steps back to look at the noose, to look at the tool that will take my life in a few hours. I didn't know why, but I almost seemed to admire it. It was almost like an art piece of some sort. Life and death are so close, yet unable to meet. Life is the light from the outside, forcefully trying to make its way into the room, into my life, but on the other side of the closed curtains was a noose, a tool of death for those who had lost all hope.

Suddenly, my stomach began to growl. I haven't eaten breakfast, yet it was already time for lunch. I headed over to my fridge and opened it to see a familiar sight, emptiness. It wasn't quite empty though, there was a chocolate bar inside the freezer, and it would sustain me enough for a few hours.

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But this wouldn't be my final meal. I want my last moments to be filled with a sense of fulfillment. So while I ate the chocolate bar, I browsed my phone and ordered a feast just for me through an app, to be delivered later in the evening. I mainly survived my day-to-day life by ordering food and necessities online, since I didn't need to speak to anyone to order, nor did I need to personally hand out the payment to someone since the currency is digital. This will probably be my final purchase.

I sat back down on my chair and began the next preparation to be done before I kill myself, writing a suicide letter. I grabbed a pen and paper from the drawer that was built into the desk and began to write with all my heart and soul. Or so I thought. First of all, I didn't have anyone to address the letter to. Second, I don't want to write anything personal in it that would make others judge me for my flawed thinking. Third, I don't want to write the reason as to why I will kill myself. I sat there in defeat as I failed to write even a single word on the paper. Committing suicide is terrible, but not leaving behind a letter to the living, to state your intentions and farewells, would be far worse.

Just to say that I left behind a letter, I wrote "Goodbye," and placed it inside the drawer, where it will sit there, in the darkness, until it is discovered by someone after my death. I don't even know who would find it, but it would certainly be someone I don't know since I don't know many people, but probably the police or the detectives will be the ones to find it.

I leaned back and sighed. Am I really this pathetic? I couldn't even write a proper letter for goodness sake. But it's not like it will matter. Even if I write a proper one and someone does find and read it, they probably wouldn't care. No one would care for someone like me. Honestly, I don't even care for myself, what makes me think others could even have the slightest thought of caring for me. People do all these kind gestures towards one another to gain favors. It's simply an act of give and take, and they're doing it to strengthen their facade of a righteous, proper, social citizen.

This entire world is full of lies. And that is why I will stay true to myself, up to the very end. I won't conform to people's standards, I won't follow the lousy etiquette that others try their hardest to follow just so they can be seen as proper, and I won't follow the norms or the useless traditions of my culture. And that is why I will commit suicide and leave this world without even saying a proper goodbye because that's the limit of my heart and mind.

I closed my eyes and rested for a bit. I still had a lot of time left before I did the deed. I thought about what I should do in the meantime, and only one activity came to mind, and that was to read.

I opened my eyes, immediately grabbed the book on the desk, and continued reading where I left off.

I am currently reading a Japanese manga titled Start with a happy ending. It's a compilation of short stories that revolve around someone dying, then the cat god gives them the body of a cat for seven days to resolve any loose ends in their life. I thought about it and asked myself what I would do if I got into the same scenario? But first of all, I questioned the existence of God.

I'm not really that religious of a person, obviously, since committing suicide is a sin to the one who gave us life. But honestly, I do believe somewhat that there is a God. I don't really care about the science stuff about the world's creation and the debate as to how humans were created, but I think that there is definitely a God up there. I believe in his existence but I don't worship him whatsoever. That's probably another reason why I'm resorting to suicide. It isn't particularly bad to worship something or someone, it might actually be a good idea to do just that, but maybe I'll indulge in religion some other time, more accurately, in another life.

Now what would I do if I had extra time as a cat? Nothing of importance I suppose. I would probably just spend the extra seven days reading books and lazing around, the usual. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any loose ends in my life, actually, my life is the manifestation of loose ends.

The doorbell rang.

Yet again, I shook in surprise as I was caught off guard by it. I was too focused on reading to keep track of the time, and as I opened my phone I realized that it was already six, and I also realized what the ringing of my doorbell meant.

Again, I waited for a few minutes until I was sure that the person outside was gone from the area. I walked towards the door, got down, slowly opened it, and quickly snatched the plastic bag on the floor, then closed the door.

After recovering from another round of nervousness from opening the door, I sat back in my chair and prepared to consume my final meal. I opened the plastic container that was inside the bag. It was my favorite food, sushi. Unfortunately, I spent too much money on useless equipment, and I was running low on allowance for the month. My aunt is the one who gives me my allowance. If only I had more money, then I would definitely buy sushi that is more luxurious than this, fit for a king even, but this will have to suffice. It would be rude for me to ask more from her.

I ate the sushi one by one, savoring every bite since it will be my last. At first, I thought in my head that at this point in time, I would be more emotional as I ate my final meal, but I felt nothing. I mean, I am happy since I'm eating my favorite food, but I'm not sad that it will be my last. I'm more or less satisfied in my mind, but not strong enough for it to show on my face. I'm just... blank.

I lowered my chopsticks to mark the end of my meal. I'm satisfied with it, but I still craved a more luxurious meal than that, I guess that's another loose end to add to the list, and hopefully, it will be the last.

I glanced at my watch, it was only seven. I still had five hours left before I kill myself, but I have nothing else to do. I've read most of the books I wanted to read, eaten my final dinner, set up the suicide spot, and written the suicide letter, now what? Guess I only have one thing to do, sleep.

I opened the clock on my phone and set an alarm for 11:55 p.m., then I hopped on my bed for one final time. Sleeping on it will serve as my goodbye to my one and only friend. It enveloped me with a soothing warmth in response. Actually, it is much more soothing than before. I feel like I could melt at any moment. Even though a bed isn't a sentient being, I feel like it understood my situation and gave me this pleasant sensation as a parting gift. I closed my eyes and went to sleep, only to wake up later to sleep again—permanently.

I opened my eyes, only to see darkness. I don't really know what's going on but I'm pretty sure I'm dreaming. I think it's one of those lucid dreams or something, a dream where I could do anything I wanted. I stretched out my hand in front of me and imagined that my parents would appear with smiles on their faces, but unfortunately, it didn't happen. Even in dreams, I can't get what I want in life.

Disappointed with not having control of my own dream, I wandered through the pitch-black darkness. Every step I took was a bit frightening, as I couldn't see if there was still a floor or if I was about to fall off a ledge. Actually, I can't even see myself. This vast plane was filled with a pitch-black darkness, until, I saw a light in the distance.

It was a bright white light that looked small, like a white hole punctured in the sheet of darkness. Seeing that I didn't have anything else to do in this dark wasteland, I walked towards the light with caution, as I didn't exactly know what it could be. With every step I took, the light became brighter and brighter, it even illuminated the darkness around it.

As I got close, I realized that it wasn't something, but rather someone. It was a little girl, or so I think it's a girl. I don't want to assume their gender because it would only lead to trouble. I can't really see it clearly but from its silhouette, I can see that it has long hair and wore a white dress.

I got a bit closer, which was something that I would never do in reality, but it was a dream, so there was no consequence in doing anything. I was still a bit nervous though, even if it's a dream, I don't want to be seen by anyone. The kid was sitting down and her back was turned towards me. I walked a little bit closer, removing any weight from my steps to not attract her attention. I don't think my footsteps actually made any noise in this void of darkness, but walking as silently as possible became a habit of mine due to the creaky floorboards in my room.

I'm now about twenty feet away from the kid, but it was at this moment that I heard something. She was crying. I can now definitely tell that it was a she from her voice. She was sobbing and muttering something but I couldn't exactly hear what she was saying.

My curiosity got the better of me and I walked closer. I now walked on my tiptoes and held my breath to be as silent as possible.

".. don't...."

Her voice was soft. I could now hear what she was muttering.

".. don't....... die."

I gasped at what she said.

Is she.. talking to me? Is she some sort of fragment of my unconsciousness who doesn't want to go through with my suicide plan? I couldn't really catch the entirety of her mumbling, but I definitely heard two words, don't, and die.

From the surprise, I lost balance in my tiptoeing and crashed my feet on the ground. I thought that my footsteps didn't make any noise in this space but I was gravely mistaken.

I grew nervous about how the girl would react. She definitely heard the noise I made because her muttering stopped.

She turned towards me, and our eyes met.

".. don't....... die!"

I woke up.

I lay still on the bed, not moving a single inch as I remembered my dream.

What was that? Was it some sort of message from my unconsciousness?

I turned my head to the right and glanced over at the noose. I still want to die. Even if the girl was some sort of messenger or a ghost, I won't follow any orders from anyone. I am not someone who can easily be persuaded by emotional utterances, even a little girl's tears mean nothing to me. I will walk my own path even if it will lead to destruction because it is something I chose for myself, and not by others.

The alarm rang.

I immediately grabbed my phone and stopped it. It was now 11:55 p.m. I find it quite odd that I usually wake up before the alarm rings, and that's why I barely use it, well, it's not like I need to be on time for anything, but not this time.

I walked over to the noose and stood on the chair that I previously left there, then I wore the noose on my neck.

Finally, I'll be able to escape this harsh reality of life. Whatever that dream was, it's not going to stop me now.

I still have a few minutes left before I kill myself. I want to die exactly at midnight.

I assessed myself first before I went through with it.

My hands aren't shaking at all. My body isn't cold from nervousness. I don't have a single bead of sweat on me. My thoughts are clear. I am fully prepared to die.

I lowered my hands and breathed in deeply.

Three.. two.. one, I kicked the chair below me, toppling it on the ground, while I hung there, violently thrashing my arms and legs as I'm being strangled to death.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

I can't breathe. The noose is digging in my neck, growing tighter by the second. My eyes feel like they could pop out any second. I continue to violently trash around. But wait, why am I struggling? If I really want to die then I shouldn't be struggling like this. I'm unconsciously trying to grab onto life, but I don't want to. My mind is dead set on dying, but my body is doing everything it can to stay alive.

No, this isn't right. I want to die. I will die. Please, just let me die already.

It hurts so much. I grabbed the noose from under my neck and tried to pull it, but why am I doing this? Why am I getting scared at the very last moment? If I'm regretting my decision then why now of all times?

I really am a coward. But that will change today.

I lowered my hands, relaxed my body, and allowed myself to be strangled.

It hurts. But the pain is slowly fading out. I think my body is growing numb. I can feel it getting colder as well. My vision is blurry but that didn't stop it from flashing images of my past.

A car, a park, the scenery of the school from my desk, a ball, a red light, a collar, blood splatter on the ground, a flower, the local shrine, the birds in the sky, a picture of my family, the girl from my dream.

My vision began to darken. I slowly closed my eyes.

Mom, Dad, Sis, Lily, Aunt Hannah, I'm sorry.

I lost consciousness. Darkness was all I could see.

".. don't....... die."

"don't... die."

"Don't die!"